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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh always takes it too far and gets mean

57 replies

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:17

All sat cosy on the sofa before, drinking hot chocolate, when Dh finishes, he pushes the cups under the sofa. I hate this as have to regularly reach under to get 3/4 cups and wash them. I say lightheartedly how it makes me cringe and is the height of laziness. First Dh is laughing along, but then starts to say how putting wet plates into the cupboard is the worst thing (he says I do this) and how it’s the laziest thing and rots the cupboard etc (it hasn’t done)
He starts to get really sort of angry and mean about it and the tone changes, so I go upstairs as now feel uncomfortable and crap
Who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 26/12/2023 19:22

You were both being a bit critical but it sounds like he didn't know when to stop. Unless he's generally a bit nasty I wouldn't be hiding away upstairs, that just makes it a bigger deal than it need be.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/12/2023 19:26

My DH always reverts to ‘tit for tat’ if I suggest he does something that annoys me. Neither thing mentioned in your op are worth getting upset for. What do you mean by him getting angry and mean?

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 19:27

It sounds like you were both being a bit petty.

Ktime · 26/12/2023 19:27

He leaves dirty mugs under the sofa for you to pick up and wash?

He’a a lazy, dirty fucker.

Put the dirty mugs on his pillow, the gaslighting twat.

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 19:27

Tit for tat...popular with people who can't take any criticism at all and need to deflect the onus from themselves and onto someone else. It's a game for fragile egos.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/12/2023 19:29

He sounds like an lazy arsehiole who knows what he is doing and doesn't want his flaws pointed out.
Putting a clean but damp plate back in a cupboard is not the same as leaving dirty cups under the sofa, how old is he 13?

MILTOBE · 26/12/2023 19:29

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 19:27

Tit for tat...popular with people who can't take any criticism at all and need to deflect the onus from themselves and onto someone else. It's a game for fragile egos.

Edited

Exactly this. Nobody normal shoves mugs under the sofa, ffs, and he knows he's in the wrong, so he tries to turn the tables on you to make you feel bad about yourself. It's a sign of low esteem, nastiness, laziness and all round twattishness.

Turnthelightoff · 26/12/2023 19:29

Totally agree with PP. Next time say, ok I’ll bear that in mind as I’d not want you to feel the way I do about the cups under the sofa and then let
him know how it makes you feel.

Sholkedabemus · 26/12/2023 19:31

Ktime · 26/12/2023 19:27

He leaves dirty mugs under the sofa for you to pick up and wash?

He’a a lazy, dirty fucker.

Put the dirty mugs on his pillow, the gaslighting twat.

This.

flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 19:31

He sounds like a child, one that is being enabled. He needs to take responsibility for his messes and his treatment of you.

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:32

He lost any sympathy when you said he puts mugs under a sofa. Who the hell does that? I’d just leave them until he moves them himself.

Next time he gets mean, just look at him and tell him not to be childish. Refuse to argue but make it clear you are not playing his stupid games.

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 19:33

Both…stop bickering. You can’t say you’re joking but he isn’t!

coodawoodashooda · 26/12/2023 19:35

Sholkedabemus · 26/12/2023 19:31

This.

Show quote history

I am so pleased I got divorced when I read shit like this.

Kwasi · 26/12/2023 19:39

If I make one small remark about something DH doesn't do but should, or something that is lazy, he also responds in an aggressive tit-for-tat manor.

He thinks loading and unloading the dishwasher 70% of the time makes him a domestic god. It's literally the only thing he does around the house.

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:48

Kwasi · 26/12/2023 19:39

If I make one small remark about something DH doesn't do but should, or something that is lazy, he also responds in an aggressive tit-for-tat manor.

He thinks loading and unloading the dishwasher 70% of the time makes him a domestic god. It's literally the only thing he does around the house.

If mine ever seems to seek praise for a mundane domestic task my automatic response is, “no medals for that today”.

Canisaysomething · 26/12/2023 19:48

Stop clearing up his mugs and the issue should deal with itself.

Canisaysomething · 26/12/2023 19:49

*should resolve by itself

Canisaysomething · 26/12/2023 19:49

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:48

If mine ever seems to seek praise for a mundane domestic task my automatic response is, “no medals for that today”.

Show quote history

😂

KvotheTheBloodless · 26/12/2023 19:50

Attack as a form of defence - classic abuser behaviour.

newtimesagain · 26/12/2023 19:50

I read a lot of these posts on MN.
Im so pleased i never got married and stayed single.

Original poster
Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:51

I need to get the cups as often run out of them or can’t find mine, plus it goes through me to think of them being u see the sofa.
It is tit for tat and as I said to him, even if they are a bit damp in the cupboard, at least I’ve taken them in there, washed them and put them away! Not exactly lazy

OP posts:
Grimpo · 26/12/2023 19:51

Stop putting wet things into the cupboard. Then next time he brings it up, you can point out that you've changed your ways, therefore you expect him to do likewise.

Original poster
Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:52

@Ktime How is it gaslighting please?

OP posts:
Ktime · 26/12/2023 19:54

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:52

@Ktime How is it gaslighting please?

Because he’s telling you that you putting damp dishes in the cupboard is the laziest thing when the laziest thing is his dirty self putting dirty mugs under the sofa.

How can you stand him, OP? Why do you keep picking up his mugs instead of telling the dirty twat to buck up or get out?

Neitheronethingnortheother · 26/12/2023 19:56

Darvo

Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender

He hasn't done the deny bit, probably because he can't

But then he has immediately gone on the attack and reversed things so you are the offender all of a sudden

He doesn't sound like a peach OP