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Original poster

Dh always takes it too far and gets mean

57 replies

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:17

All sat cosy on the sofa before, drinking hot chocolate, when Dh finishes, he pushes the cups under the sofa. I hate this as have to regularly reach under to get 3/4 cups and wash them. I say lightheartedly how it makes me cringe and is the height of laziness. First Dh is laughing along, but then starts to say how putting wet plates into the cupboard is the worst thing (he says I do this) and how it’s the laziest thing and rots the cupboard etc (it hasn’t done)
He starts to get really sort of angry and mean about it and the tone changes, so I go upstairs as now feel uncomfortable and crap
Who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 26/12/2023 19:58

leave the mugs for him to pick up, and dry the plates before you put them away? just a quick flick of the teatowel is enough (or open the dishwasher door and leave everything until it is dry?)

tbh if my DH says something petty to me the temptation is often to reply in a similar vein - neither of us is perfect and i suspect it is the same for most couples?

AnonKat · 26/12/2023 20:00

Ktime · 26/12/2023 19:54

Because he’s telling you that you putting damp dishes in the cupboard is the laziest thing when the laziest thing is his dirty self putting dirty mugs under the sofa.

How can you stand him, OP? Why do you keep picking up his mugs instead of telling the dirty twat to buck up or get out?

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I wish people on MN would stop using words they don't understand.

This isn't gaslighting. It's being a bellend, but not gaslighting.

Hettanett · 26/12/2023 20:00

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:51

I need to get the cups as often run out of them or can’t find mine, plus it goes through me to think of them being u see the sofa.
It is tit for tat and as I said to him, even if they are a bit damp in the cupboard, at least I’ve taken them in there, washed them and put them away! Not exactly lazy

Why are you with this man?

Brefugee · 26/12/2023 20:01

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 19:51

I need to get the cups as often run out of them or can’t find mine, plus it goes through me to think of them being u see the sofa.
It is tit for tat and as I said to him, even if they are a bit damp in the cupboard, at least I’ve taken them in there, washed them and put them away! Not exactly lazy

but surely only his mug is going under the sofa? and your mug is going in the dishwasher or sink? so next time you want a drink, your mug is there?

and if you are going to have to hide mugs because he's a filthy pathetic dick, then you have bigger problems than him being a knob?

Original poster
Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 20:02

@Hettanett Would you not be with someone if they left cups under the sofa?
Its true it does annoy me, but I never thought it would be worth leaving someone over

OP posts:
Ktime · 26/12/2023 20:04

AnonKat · 26/12/2023 20:00

I wish people on MN would stop using words they don't understand.

This isn't gaslighting. It's being a bellend, but not gaslighting.

Show quote history

Of course it’s gaslighting.

Why do you think it isn’t?

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 20:04

It's not...but not being able to communicate a dislike without being torn to shreds is.

Tilllly · 26/12/2023 20:05

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 20:02

@Hettanett Would you not be with someone if they left cups under the sofa?
Its true it does annoy me, but I never thought it would be worth leaving someone over

It's not

But it irritates you and he could easily not do it

Throwing something you do into the mix is playground

Neitheronethingnortheother · 26/12/2023 20:06

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 20:02

@Hettanett Would you not be with someone if they left cups under the sofa?
Its true it does annoy me, but I never thought it would be worth leaving someone over

Every time he puts a mug under there and leaves it there he is effectively saying "Fuck it @Phonewontchargeproperly can bend down and fish it out because I can't be bothered and I don't respect her"

And then every time you say something and he turns nasty he's saying "Shit my domestic appliance (aka you) is faulty and that's pissing me off so I'm not standing for that I will have a go at @Phonewontchargeproperly instead of being a reasonable human being, apologising and changing my actions"

littleblackcat27 · 26/12/2023 20:09

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 19:33

Both…stop bickering. You can’t say you’re joking but he isn’t!

She is not bickering. She is asking him not to be a slob.

Z1hun · 26/12/2023 20:14

I wouldn't be getting the cups out from underneath the sofa. Leave them until there are none left for him to drink from and then he might stop doing it.

If you clean up after him you enable him.

GreyBlackLove · 26/12/2023 20:14

It's definitely not gaslighting, but you should be able to ask him not to do something (especially something grotty) without him getting angry and making you feel uncomfortable.

Z1hun · 26/12/2023 20:17

Ktime · 26/12/2023 20:04

Of course it’s gaslighting.

Why do you think it isn’t?

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It's not gaslighting as gaslighting is when to try to make someone believe that something they know happened hasn't happened.

He isn't doing this he's shifting blame to her to change the focus.

Ktime · 26/12/2023 20:19

Z1hun · 26/12/2023 20:17

It's not gaslighting as gaslighting is when to try to make someone believe that something they know happened hasn't happened.

He isn't doing this he's shifting blame to her to change the focus.

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He is trying to tell her she’s rotting the cupboards, when she’s not, so there is an element of gaslighting.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2023 20:23

At this time of year I'm always sad I'm a single parent, and not in a relationship.

Threads like this remind me it's not so bad.

He's a selfish lazy fucker doing this with the cups. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

GreyBlackLove · 26/12/2023 20:29

He's saying putting damp plates in there rots the cupboard. It's basically DARVO, he is being an arse but it's not gaslighting. It's important to understand the terms we use so the OP and others can accurately identify and address that kind of behaviour.

OP, is this behaviour usual from him?

AnonKat · 26/12/2023 20:33

Ktime · 26/12/2023 20:04

Of course it’s gaslighting.

Why do you think it isn’t?

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It's not! I suggest you have a quick Google!

diddl · 26/12/2023 20:34

Why does he push them under the sofa?

It would (imo) be bad enough just to leave them on the floor but wouldn't that be better?

Do you put wet plates in the cupboard?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/12/2023 20:36

Why do you put wet plates in the cupboard? And why does he hide mugs under the sofa?

Paperbagsaremine · 26/12/2023 20:39

It can be easy to drop into a pattern of mild and unproductive sniping-lite, particularly if your parents and his were like that.
I was quite old before I realised it didn't have to be like that and we could just be nice to each other.
Like, "If you're stashing the cups under the sofa, be a doll and put them in the dishwasher when you get up, sweetie" and he could say, "the plates are wet sometimes when we put them away and they stick together, so I've put out an extra tea towel by the cupboard so we can put them away dry".

It seems weird at first but it's so worth doing. If you can just cut each other slack and pull together there's so much less stress.

If you change and he's still being petty and picky though, well, that's another matter... Kind of shows you something you'd hoped not to know.

Original poster
Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 20:39

He says ‘I’ll wash them later’ and shoves them under, no idea why! Then he must forget and they mount up. If he can’t find a cup or remembers (rare) he gets them from under it
I don’t put dripping wet plates in, but admittedly am rushing about and just want things done and put away. If he washes up, he leaves them there, so I’d have to come and put a load of dry plates and cutlery away later. I just like things done

OP posts:
Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 20:40

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:48

If mine ever seems to seek praise for a mundane domestic task my automatic response is, “no medals for that today”.

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What is it with some men? DH works 6-2.Home by 2:15 every day. I’m usually home by about 6:30. Usually he’ll push the hoover round and wash a few pots then eff off out with the dog for 3 hours. No issue with that but… if it’s raining he might do a bit more which is great. BUT he’ll list everything he’s done. I do feel like saying “your medals in the post” but I don’t, I say Thankyou because I can’t be arsed with an argument!!

AllAroundMyCat · 26/12/2023 20:45

It's not gaslighting... too many people on here just don't understand the meaning of the word.

You're both tit-for-tatting which is never a good sign as it breeds resentment.
You just need to have a civil conversation.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 26/12/2023 20:46

Phonewontchargeproperly · 26/12/2023 20:02

@Hettanett Would you not be with someone if they left cups under the sofa?
Its true it does annoy me, but I never thought it would be worth leaving someone over

I would leave someone for leaving cups under the sofa instead of putting them in the dishwasher. I don't want mould in my living room. And that's before considering how he reacted with DARVO when you called him out on it.

DSis is divorcing her "D"H of nearly ten years because he is messy and leaves everything for her to clear up. It's neither normal nor right to tolerate being someone's skivvy.

RatatouillePie · 26/12/2023 20:48

Who the f**k puts cups under the sofa?!?!?!? That's just seriously weird!

I mean I leave them all over the house on tables but I'd never leave one under the sofa.