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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be upset my mum said this?

70 replies

Christmastimemistletoeandwine1 · 26/12/2023 17:47

Hi

ive had a bit of a crap relationship with my mom throughout my entire childhood for a variety of reasons (I won’t bore you all with them because it’s a very long boring story!)

but one thing she did which I’ve never properly been able to forgive her for is she blamed me for my siblings death. For context, she had a very late abortion and was extremely depressed after it. She blamed me, said she hated me and wished it was me and not my ‘sister’ that was killed and all sorts of other things. She said it was my fault she had it because I hadn’t supported her enough, we were meant to be a team etc. She found pictures online (presumably on anti abortion websites) of graphical pictures of abortions and said that’s what happened to my sister because of me and I was a baby killer etc. her life was also falling apart in other ways she was facing jail, hence why she had the abortion in the first place. I tried my best to help her but I was only 14 and I gave her any money I had so she could get to her hearings and I helped her as much as I could but ultimately I did say to her thag I thought she should have an abortion. But that was only because she wanted my help and it was my honest opinion at the time especially given her situation in the rest of her life. She didn’t end up going to jail thankfully but she never really forgave me for not helping her enough because she could have had the baby after all and for about a year afterwards I had to hear that I was a murderer, a baby killer and how she wished I had been aborted instead and she would text me photos of what happened to my ‘sister’ (antiabortion propaganda photos which were really graphical and awful)

she moved on and stopped blaming me eventually and stopped bringing it up against me in arguments but it never really left me, I know I’m not a ‘baby killer’ and it wasn’t completely my fault because she was an adult and I was only 14, but deep down I still feel a bit guilty about it all, like I should have helped more or shouldn’t have told her I thought an abortion was the best idea, and deep down I know she still wishes it was me who was aborted instead

but I’m an adult now and I feel like I can’t ever properly forgive her, but as I’ve got older I’ve started to wonder if I’m being petty and holding onto a grudge because ultimately nobody is perfect and it’s easy to look back at parents and say they should have done XYZ but they’re only human too and everyone makes mistakes. So I don’t know if I’m being petty by still being hurt by it all these years later and I should just move on completely? I don’t think about it everyday, nor do I cast it up against her or anything like that. It just feels like a big wedge in our relationship that will never fully go. Is that normal or am I being petty? I guess I’m asking, when is it time to fully forgive and forget? Right now I feel like I’ve forgiven but not forgotten IYSWIM.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmastimemistletoeandwine1 · 26/12/2023 17:49

just to clarify- I didn’t make this post so I could tear into my mum because I understand that everyone makes mistakes and I’ll always love my mum. I’m an adult now and we don’t really have much contact sadly for all sorts of reasons. I don’t feel regularly upset about what happened and it’s not like it’s depressing me or anything like that, it’s just sort of something I’ll never fully forget but then I don’t know if I’m being petty and holding onto a grudge if that makes sense!

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/12/2023 17:50

I'm so sorry you had that put on you at 14. No way is this your fault. She was an adult. Flowers

SutWytTi · 26/12/2023 17:54

You are not petty. What your mum said is terrible, absolutely terrible.

You hold zero responsibility for the choice your mum made. You should never have been part of any discussion prior to the abortion.

DinaofCloud9 · 26/12/2023 17:54

She's vile.

MoveOnTheCards · 26/12/2023 17:57

Please don’t carry around any of this guilt. Your mum sounds awful. You are not ‘to blame’ for any of this.

Ktime · 26/12/2023 17:57

I don’t understand how you are still in contact with your mum.

I think you should go permanently no contact with the bitch.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 26/12/2023 17:57

This is in no way your fault. You were a child. Your dm is a horrible woman to put this on you.

RaspberriesUpside · 26/12/2023 17:59

Wtf. She is a dreadful mum to say that to you. Unless she has grovelled profusely as an adult for her cruelty and expressed her regrets for the unforgivable things she said to her young child, I would never be able to move past this.

DelilahsHaven · 26/12/2023 18:00

Your mum's life choices were hers and hers alone. Absolutely none of this is your fault, and it sounds like your mum was incredibly fortunate to have you supporting her.

I am so sorry that you then had to endure her taking her grief out on you in this way.

14 year old you did an amazing job of being a parent to your mum by the sounds of it, and it might help you to look at therapy or self help to help reparent younger you, who really should have been being looked after rather than doing the look aftering.

Your sound amazing and should let this guilt go if you can, it truly isn't yours to carry.

Ponoka7 · 26/12/2023 18:00

That's beyond a mistake, it's verbal and emotional abuse towards you. She's lucky that you are still in contact with her. As said, you shouldn't have been party to what was going on, let alone asked for your opinion.

ChaToilLeam · 26/12/2023 18:01

I’m so sorry, OP. That was a monstrous thing for your mother to say. You were a child and in no way responsible.

Gnomegnomegnome · 26/12/2023 18:02

You were 14. You shouldn’t have known any of this and certainly shouldn’t have been asked for your opinion.

You are not and have never been responsible for your mother’s actions and it’s horrendous that she made you feel like that.

RandomButtons · 26/12/2023 18:02

None of this is in any way your fault. She was an adult and shouldn’t have burdened you with any of this - you were a child in the middle of GCSE school stage.

the responsibility was hers and hers alone. It was not up to you to help her. She sounds incredibly narcissistic to be honest.

Halloweenrainbow · 26/12/2023 18:02

Your mother has serious emotional problems and she needs to speak to a professional. I wouldn't engage with her until she gets some help.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 26/12/2023 18:03

Christmastimemistletoeandwine1 · 26/12/2023 17:49

just to clarify- I didn’t make this post so I could tear into my mum because I understand that everyone makes mistakes and I’ll always love my mum. I’m an adult now and we don’t really have much contact sadly for all sorts of reasons. I don’t feel regularly upset about what happened and it’s not like it’s depressing me or anything like that, it’s just sort of something I’ll never fully forget but then I don’t know if I’m being petty and holding onto a grudge if that makes sense!

Look up trauma bonding. Your response to this whole thing is too low-key. You need therapy and to disentangle yourself from letting her manipulation live on in your head.

You were 14 and no reasonable, sane adult would listen to or act on the life-or-death advice of a 14 year old FFS. The fact she has put this on you shows what an awful person she is and actually she probably did the right thing to not have another baby as she didn't even have the emotional maturity to care for the child she had, let alone another one. But it wasn't your decision, it was hers. All you did was offer an opinion, it was impossible for you to make that decision for her, she was the adult.

You should hold onto that anger for your own preservation. This is not someone to be understanding about. She will continue doing you over for as long as you let her so you are right to keep her at arms' length. Find your anger that she blamed a child for her own adult decision that she regretted. And FFS don't ever let her anywhere near you if you have children of your own.

Original poster
Christmastimemistletoeandwine1 · 26/12/2023 18:03

sorry meant to include that in my OP- I think part of the reason that ‘wedge’ is still there and I’ve never been able to fully forget what happened is that she’s never ever apologised or said it wasn’t true. It was over 10 years ago now but she’s never acknowledged it at all. Last time I brought it up and explained why we are not close (because she was complaining about it) she said she was going to call a local mental health team because she was concerned I needed to be sectioned apparently! She just can’t seem to even acknowledge it let alone apologise for it and I think that’s what makes it hard to fully move on.

honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact there’s other people who remember it happening I would have thought I was going mad or making it up because she’s never acknowledged it at all (not that I want to talk about it either, but an apology would have helped clear the air etc)

OP posts:
Ribenaberry12 · 26/12/2023 18:04

Your mum was bang out of order.

WaywardTraveller · 26/12/2023 18:06

You were 14. 14. What she said was painfully cruel, and speaks volumes about the quality of mothering she was (and no doubt still is) able to provide to you.

From your post it doesn’t seem as if she has ever even apologised. You owe her nothing, and while the level of contact you maintain with her is up to you, it is highly likely that she will hurt you again.

Are you able to accept that? Be selfish, and put yourself first. It sounds like she always has.

MaggieBsBoat · 26/12/2023 18:06

WTAF did I just read?!

You‘ve done nothing wrong.
You were a baby yourself.

How you’ve forgiven her is nothing short of saintliness

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 18:06

What she did to you was horrific emotional abuse and adultification. You should never have been asked, but I think you gave very good advice. Pregnancy and birth whilst incarcerated or being separated from a newborn would've been dreadful.

makeminealargeoneagain · 26/12/2023 18:07

You were abused by your mother. Emotional abuse that has deeply affected you. She said very traumatic and neglectful things and these have caused deep trauma for you. Seek professional counselling and go no or very low contact with her. None of it was your fault. You were abused by the person who should have loved and nurtured you. She doesn't deserve to be called a mother.

SpringingJoy · 26/12/2023 18:07

If she'd shouted it at you once in an argument I'd probably say whilst still awful, you should try to move on. Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes and say things they don't mean when upset etc etc.

But what you've described is truly horrific. Awful, spiteful, sustained and off the scale abusive.

You should not feel any guilt at ALL, it wasn't even slightly your 'fault', what happened. And you're not petty at all for still feeling bothered by it, you should be giving yourself a massive clap on the back for how well you've turned out despite such an awful and abusive parent.

Ktime · 26/12/2023 18:08

Christmastimemistletoeandwine1 · 26/12/2023 18:03

sorry meant to include that in my OP- I think part of the reason that ‘wedge’ is still there and I’ve never been able to fully forget what happened is that she’s never ever apologised or said it wasn’t true. It was over 10 years ago now but she’s never acknowledged it at all. Last time I brought it up and explained why we are not close (because she was complaining about it) she said she was going to call a local mental health team because she was concerned I needed to be sectioned apparently! She just can’t seem to even acknowledge it let alone apologise for it and I think that’s what makes it hard to fully move on.

honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact there’s other people who remember it happening I would have thought I was going mad or making it up because she’s never acknowledged it at all (not that I want to talk about it either, but an apology would have helped clear the air etc)

Still not understanding why you haven’t cut her out of your life.

She’s toxic and gaslights you.

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 26/12/2023 18:09

Your mother is an utter fucking bitch of the first order. Denying what she said and sent to you and how she treated you as a vulnerable child (which you were, because she sounds like no sort of mother worthy of that name, and you were a child being forced by her to make adult decisions on her behalf) is her gaslighting you to cover her own terrible behaviour. I hope you have other people, decent people in your life. You don’t need a revolting piece of work like her.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2023 18:10

Jeezo, is this for real? OMG op, that’s terrible. How you can bear to be anywhere near this woman is beyond me. She abused you, and appears to still do so. You were a child, and not responsible for her actions. Not at all. I suggest you go NC, and seek therapy to help you with all this.