To still be upset my mum said this?

[Christmastimemistletoeandwine1]

Hi

ive had a bit of a crap relationship with my mom throughout my entire childhood for a variety of reasons (I won’t bore you all with them because it’s a very long boring story!)

but one thing she did which I’ve never properly been able to forgive her for is she blamed me for my siblings death. For context, she had a very late abortion and was extremely depressed after it. She blamed me, said she hated me and wished it was me and not my ‘sister’ that was killed and all sorts of other things. She said it was my fault she had it because I hadn’t supported her enough, we were meant to be a team etc. She found pictures online (presumably on anti abortion websites) of graphical pictures of abortions and said that’s what happened to my sister because of me and I was a baby killer etc. her life was also falling apart in other ways she was facing jail, hence why she had the abortion in the first place. I tried my best to help her but I was only 14 and I gave her any money I had so she could get to her hearings and I helped her as much as I could but ultimately I did say to her thag I thought she should have an abortion. But that was only because she wanted my help and it was my honest opinion at the time especially given her situation in the rest of her life. She didn’t end up going to jail thankfully but she never really forgave me for not helping her enough because she could have had the baby after all and for about a year afterwards I had to hear that I was a murderer, a baby killer and how she wished I had been aborted instead and she would text me photos of what happened to my ‘sister’ (antiabortion propaganda photos which were really graphical and awful)

she moved on and stopped blaming me eventually and stopped bringing it up against me in arguments but it never really left me, I know I’m not a ‘baby killer’ and it wasn’t completely my fault because she was an adult and I was only 14, but deep down I still feel a bit guilty about it all, like I should have helped more or shouldn’t have told her I thought an abortion was the best idea, and deep down I know she still wishes it was me who was aborted instead

but I’m an adult now and I feel like I can’t ever properly forgive her, but as I’ve got older I’ve started to wonder if I’m being petty and holding onto a grudge because ultimately nobody is perfect and it’s easy to look back at parents and say they should have done XYZ but they’re only human too and everyone makes mistakes. So I don’t know if I’m being petty by still being hurt by it all these years later and I should just move on completely? I don’t think about it everyday, nor do I cast it up against her or anything like that. It just feels like a big wedge in our relationship that will never fully go. Is that normal or am I being petty? I guess I’m asking, when is it time to fully forgive and forget? Right now I feel like I’ve forgiven but not forgotten IYSWIM.

TIA

Jesus Christ seriously keep this woman far away from you and any family you have now or in the future. She will purposely drive a wedge between you and any DPs and DCs you have at any point.

You cannot have a rational 2-way discussion with someone like this, you cannot ever give them feedback, they deflect and put it all back on you. As well as looking up trauma bonding I recommend you look up DARVO.

Petty?

It's admirable you're even giving this woman any airspace.

Yes, parents make mistakes.

But this woman treated you appallingly and you've still forgiven her.

You're a bigger person than most

I am the mother of two 14 year olds.

What she said is unconscionable, absolutely outrageous.

you were a child, and she was the adult. This is zero, absolutely zero per cent your fault. Trying to blame you is jaw dropping, and you need to try to get to the point where you can appreciate the magnitude of just how wrong this is.

The only thing I could say in her favour, is that it is so dysfunctional, she probably has some sort of personality disorder that causes her to say shite like that.

Gaslighting is a term that’s overused now. But goodness what she is saying to you now is exactly that. I am so angry with her for this OP and want to send love to you and your 14y self. I am sorry this happened to you xx

This is absolutely not petty. And your mum should be grateful that you even consider staying in contact with her.

It wasn't your fault AT ALL! 0% responsibility. You were a child!! I have a 14yo DD and if I was in a bad situation I wouldn't even tell her unless I absolutely had to, and I would take full responsibility. I can't imagine hurting her in that way. You really shouldn't forgive your mother. Only for yourself can you hope to find peace. I would say understanding too but what she did defies any reasoning. She was horrible to you, full stop. You deserve so much better and I hope you can find a way to heal from it.

OP, I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is very serious emotional abuse. No, YANBU at all. I think you you'd benefit from some therapy to explore the long term impact of this on your adult life.

Your mother is a monster. At 14 you were not responsible for her in any way.

i have a parent who was a monster too. He managed to do some work on himself and we have a better relationship now that I am an adult. It is never going to be a great relationship. I am never going to be able to forget everything he has done and he hasn’t had a complete personality transplant so he is still a difficult person. I forgave him because I needed to let the bulk of the weight of my anger go for myself. We will never be close, but we manage and given the history, that feels like success.

Darling girl, your mother's choices, actions, and consequences are all her own. And all of those that you have written about, in relation to you, and her, at that time, are utterly cruel, vicious, and unforgivable.

I thought it was bad my mother telling everyone in town how much she wanted to abort me, and then telling me, at the age of seven.

But your mother takes the biscuit. How you can still bear to try and have a relationship with her is beyond me. How the bloody hell dare she. . .

It isn't your fault, it isn't your fault, it... isn't... your... fault.

Time to put your oxygen mask on OP. Speak to a GP get on a waiting list for counselling as soon as you can, in the meantime get the journal out and start writing it all down especially when the memories get a bit overwhelming.

We can only guess what was happening with your mum at the time. She was wrong to put that on you. But you are your priority now, not her. Take a break for a bit and put all your energy on to you, it will take practice but it is worth it.

You poor thing 😢

Can I fix this bit for you?

“it wasn’t completely my fault because she was an adult and I was only 14”

Should be:

”it wasn’t my fault because she was an adult and I was only 14”

Or even:

”it wasn’t my fault”

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I'm not sure it's as simple as your mum being a monster or some sort of evil witch. It sounds like she was in complete overwhelm with her life, her mental health was severely impacted and she didn't have healthy places to process and get support so she emotionally abused you and funnelled all her anger, misplaced guilt and grief into you because she had nowhere else for it. It wasn't OK, it wasn't acceptable. As you've said you were a child and she was an adult and she was leaning on you far far too heavily. It was abusive and manipulative and I'm sorry she put you through that. My guess is that she doesn't have the resilience at best, or the accountability at worst, to accept what happened so her way to deal with it is to sweep it all under the carpet. My mum did similar with me when I was young, blamed me for her miscarriages and the subsequent effect on her mental health and now she pretends it never happened. For me knowing how utterly shit womens services and mental health services were in those days does help me understand the isolation and pain that made her so the awful things she did and understanding that helped me see that it was never anything to do with me at all,. Just like this was never anything to do with you at all.

Your mum was the perpetrator of significant emotional abuse against you and it’s ok if you cannot forgive or forget that. You deserve an apology but for that to happen she needs to accept responsibility and it doesn’t sound like she’s there or will be any time soon. The lack of apology does make it worse in my opinion as well, so it’s likely harder for you to move on. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? You could try a few sessions to explore this topic.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. What an awful thing for her to do. I wouldn't forgive and I certainly wouldn't have any contact with her either.

I’m not surprised you can’t forget about this OP. This behaviour of your mums was not just a silly mistake or a loss of control, it was repeated and very very unfair and hurtful, to say the least. She put the blame on you.
It’s sad when mother and daughter do not have a good relationship but it does happen and it’s not your fault. IMO if you can possibly manage to maintain some sort of civil low contact relationship with your mother then this may be the best outcome from a terrible situation which your mother caused. However I would be very cautious, keep boundaries to protect yourself and if your mother begins to cause you further problems then make sure you distance yourself so she can’t hurt you any more.

Your mum is a very toxic, damaged person.

You are in no way remotely responsible for her choice. It was wrong of her to include you in her decision.

I think it's a wise decision not to have this person in your life. You will always be touched by the way she has abused you and you need space to find your own happiness. She has shown she's incapable of change and you gave her the chance. Be free.

Your mother is an evil, vile, gaslighting cunt. And I hate that word! But it's the only one appropriate for her.
You need to get yourself some therapy. Look after yourself now. And if I were you I would cut that bitch out of your life. Completely! Never have anything to do with her ever again. Treat her like she doesn't exist.

Sorry she put this on you.

Sorry you feel you had any part in it

Sorry she sent you those vile texts and pictures.

You have done nothing wrong. She has.

I think you should have a look at the “Stately Homes” threads. It sounds like you had a very abusive childhood, even if that’s not how you think of it.

Just wanted to say how very sorry I am that you were put in this situation at 14. It's beyond sad. The fact that it's your mum who did this makes it even worse.

Yes, nobody is perfect, and kudos to you that you understand your mum's shortcomings. I pray that you find peace and reconciliation with your mum (my head speaking). But my heart says she doesn't deserve it.

Reconnect ONLY if she is ready to apologise for what she said to you. There's no need to pretend like the things she said didn't hurt.

Could she have been very mentally unwell? Not that what she said or did to you are excusable in any way, but clearly this was all about you, not her.

It's a horrible thing to have a parent say things like this to you. My mother miscarried twins before me and my sibling were born. She then went complaining to the neighbours that she had us and not the twins. The neighbour's kids told me. I asked her if she had cried recently and then she told me how disappointing I was as a child and how she imagined my sisters would have been in comparison.

It took many years for our relationship to recover and it hurt me very deeply. However I choose to see that she had gone through a very traumatic thing, nearly died, and received no support. In fact far from it: my dad had a serious mental illness and became ill soon after. She was very stressed and carried a huge burden with no family support. She had counselling and became much easier to deal with later on. I think if she hadn't I wouldn't have a relationship with her now.

Argh! I meant it's all about her, NOT you! Sorry.

She is horrifically abusive and an all round disgusting human.

Please please tell me you don't have kids that she sees.

Get therapy asap.

This is heartbreaking to read. You are only now 24 still very young. Your mother sounds awful and I think the older you get the more this will become apparent. I don't mean that in a patronising way,I was similar and it took till 30 when I had my own children to realise how awful my mother was.

If you feel able please come over to the stately homes thread. It is supportive and non judgemental and you might feel able to express some of your feelings and thoughts regarding your mother. You will get wide words and advice.

What she did was extremely cruel and damaging. The audacity of her to moan about your lack of closeness then, when you gave a valid reason why to label you as mentally ill is gaslighting. She sounds very disordered and not very nice. I am so sorry that this happened to you and can 💯 say that at 14 it was not your fault. Xxx

This is truly awful OP

Its completely awful to involve any child (or any other person who is not the other parent) in a decision like that

It's absolutely disgusting to then blame them for it. And sending them pictures etc is abusive.

I know you say you don't want people to rip into your mum, but this is really sad, you're describing abuse of a child here.

It is clear that your mum is completely damaged and in denial about how her own actions led to these feelings. It sounds like she is lashing out and this is a pattern, and she can't talk about it now as she would have to admit to past behaviour and mistakes and for whatever reason she can't do this. However that's not an acceptable reason to take her shit out on you, her own child, when she was supposed to protect you from abuse, not carry it out herself.

I'm so sorry and I'd strongly recommend therapy to try and unpick this, as this won't have been in isolation and she will no doubt have subjected you to various other forms of abuse

And don't press her for answers, she is not going to admit to being a shit human and mother, you won't get what you're looking for