To still be upset my mum said this?

[Christmastimemistletoeandwine1]

Hi

ive had a bit of a crap relationship with my mom throughout my entire childhood for a variety of reasons (I won’t bore you all with them because it’s a very long boring story!)

but one thing she did which I’ve never properly been able to forgive her for is she blamed me for my siblings death. For context, she had a very late abortion and was extremely depressed after it. She blamed me, said she hated me and wished it was me and not my ‘sister’ that was killed and all sorts of other things. She said it was my fault she had it because I hadn’t supported her enough, we were meant to be a team etc. She found pictures online (presumably on anti abortion websites) of graphical pictures of abortions and said that’s what happened to my sister because of me and I was a baby killer etc. her life was also falling apart in other ways she was facing jail, hence why she had the abortion in the first place. I tried my best to help her but I was only 14 and I gave her any money I had so she could get to her hearings and I helped her as much as I could but ultimately I did say to her thag I thought she should have an abortion. But that was only because she wanted my help and it was my honest opinion at the time especially given her situation in the rest of her life. She didn’t end up going to jail thankfully but she never really forgave me for not helping her enough because she could have had the baby after all and for about a year afterwards I had to hear that I was a murderer, a baby killer and how she wished I had been aborted instead and she would text me photos of what happened to my ‘sister’ (antiabortion propaganda photos which were really graphical and awful)

she moved on and stopped blaming me eventually and stopped bringing it up against me in arguments but it never really left me, I know I’m not a ‘baby killer’ and it wasn’t completely my fault because she was an adult and I was only 14, but deep down I still feel a bit guilty about it all, like I should have helped more or shouldn’t have told her I thought an abortion was the best idea, and deep down I know she still wishes it was me who was aborted instead

but I’m an adult now and I feel like I can’t ever properly forgive her, but as I’ve got older I’ve started to wonder if I’m being petty and holding onto a grudge because ultimately nobody is perfect and it’s easy to look back at parents and say they should have done XYZ but they’re only human too and everyone makes mistakes. So I don’t know if I’m being petty by still being hurt by it all these years later and I should just move on completely? I don’t think about it everyday, nor do I cast it up against her or anything like that. It just feels like a big wedge in our relationship that will never fully go. Is that normal or am I being petty? I guess I’m asking, when is it time to fully forgive and forget? Right now I feel like I’ve forgiven but not forgotten IYSWIM.

TIA

Please don't have a relationship with your mum. She has been incredibly unkind and abusive in saying those things. She should be ashamed of herself for blaming you for anything.
Go live a happy life, guilt-free, without her and her drama.

She’s terribly abusive and you shouldn’t still be in touch with her. This is some of the worst abuse I’ve heard on here, for your own well being have some boundaries and go NC.

I’ll always love my mum.
Honestly, this woman does not deserve your love.
I'm 18 years no contact with mine, abusive; mentally and physically.
If you wouldn't tolerate the treatment by a friend why endure it because it's your 'mother', walk away.

No. Honestly, she sounds like a really terrible person and I wouldn’t hesitate to go NC with her.

Why Would you stay in touch at all? She’s abhorrent.

I second you should go NC, you are very far from being petty. She was putting her adult responsibilities onto your then child shoulders. To then make you feel guilty for her own choices by showing you photos of abortions is sadistic, cruel and evil IMO.

I'm so sorry OP. Your sister made her own choices, but your mum blaming a child is atrocious. I'd never talk to her again. That is unforgivable imo.

Good lord, she has done a number on you by trying to make a 14 year old child responsible for her choices.

For you to have even attempted to take that role on, you must have had a pretty difficult childhood. And to still be reeling from the consequences of it tells me the dynamic has not changed and she is still not being a parent to you.

None of what happened to her is your fault or a result of things you have done.

I hope you are able to accept what everyone is telling you hear and to let go of any guilt you feel for your mother's past and present actions and behaviour.

This was not your decision. At 14, this was not a decision you were even qualified to make or advise on. As it is, it actually sounds like you gave your "advice" (not that you should ever have been asked for it) in good faith and after much reflection. You showed great maturity for a young teen.

Your mother's actions must have had a profound impact on you at a vulnerable stage of your life and materially affected your self-esteem. Her role was to protect and cherish you and she let you down, including by exposing you to adult issues too soon. In your position, I'm not sure I could forgive and move on without a heartfelt apology and an acknowledgement that you deserved better.

She did an appalling thing to you. She made her own decision, you weren’t there waving a leaflet in her face saying get yourself down the clinic. You had an opinion but she didn’t have to do it and she needs some therapy by the sounds of it. What she said to you is honestly disgusting. An apology would not remove the trauma she gave you.

As silly as it probably sounds, I really didn’t want to cut her off completely (although undoubtedly it would have made my life easier at times) but I felt so bad for her because she doesn’t have many other people in her life. We don’t have a close relationship though and rarely see each other anymore x

You remind me of the book Eleanor oiliphant is completely fine, have you read it on

It's very unlikely she truly wishes that it was you she aborted. It is likely that she wanted you to hurt the way she hurt. Deep down she knows it was her decision but she couldn't bear to take responsibility for that decision, so she put it on a 14 year old. Once she had grieved for the consequences of her poor choices (whatever she was facing prison for), she stopped blaming you. When you confronted her about how she behaved, she found a way to blame you again. It's because she cannot bear the shame.

That's my take anyway, from one DD of an abusive DM to another. I keep mine at an arm's length too. Just know that she was always going to have an abortion. It wasn't your decision, she just needed someone to say it was ok. It was very wrong for her to do that, but I think you already know.

What she said was despicable. I’m very sorry that you experienced such terrible emotional abuse.

You love her, of course you do, but being close to her doesn’t seem to be in your best interests.

Apologies if I missed this in your posts - but has she ever apologised for what she said?

You were abused by your mum.
It was not your job to support her. You were a child.
The decisions she made were hers and hers alone.

She abused you.

She's an actual nutjob and the reality is that your sister had a lucky escape.
I feel so bad for you and angry on your behalf. Please believe us when we say that NONE of this is your fault x

Omg your mum sounds awful. Putting that sort of decision on a 14 year old…that’s unforgivable….but then to berate the child afterwards…absolutely shocking. She sounds like a terrible mother and you have every reason to be angry and upset she treated you that way.

There's a reason she doesn't have many people in her life.

You were in no way in any way responsible for a decision your mother made about her own body. You weren't at 14, you wouldn't be at 24. Her decisions are her own, just like her decision to blame you was her own.

I honestly don't know why you'd want to ever continue a relationship with someone who said that. I actually think what she said to you was evil.

No, I don’t have any kids, and if I did they would be kept well away from her

it’s weird because I know she was out of order etc and if I heard about it happening to someone else I would say she was awful etc, but for some reason there’s still a voice in my head saying she’s still my mum and that I should be loyal to her etc. argh, so confusing!