Page 4 | To ask for your tips as I head for single parenthood

NearlyHeadlessNick · 2023-12-26T16:52:39+00:00

I'm getting my ducks in a row. I have 2 kids who are 5 and 3. Both will be resident with me. Both do swimming/dance and the eldest does scouts so clubs after school. I work full time. Getting maintenance for the children shouldn't be problematic. Both have lunches provided. What are your organisational hacks or what helps your day to run logistically smoothly? I work from home a lot which helps. But I dread the thought of sole organisation of life and all that goes with it.

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 17:17

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/12/2023 15:09

Don't expect their father to take them. Ever. Never anticipate those lovely days when you don't have the children and can rest. Because if you expect and anticipate them, it feels so much worse when the father cancels.

Let the children be bored. Don't feel you have to overcompensate for their father's absence by entertaining them every second they are with you. Boredom fuels creativity.

Cultivate friendships with other single mothers who will sympathise and encourage you. Do not give the time of day to anyone who tells you you aren't doing well enough.

Trust yourself. You will be fine.

This. Don't feel you need to keep up. Many people are utter show offs and I'm not sure it's coincidental. You won't have 2 incomes. When they are little you don't need to give them a proper meal just because it's 5pm. Beans in a jacket potato will do and it's a bargain way of keeping your costs down. Think ahead, when you can. Be kind to yourself when you can't. I have a store cupboard of extra cleaning things and toiletries to avoid any unexpected visits to the shops. Prepare for unexpected lonely moments and so many people with well meaning comments that are unintentionally embarrassing or hurtful.

MastieMum · 27/12/2023 17:28

The best advice I got as a single mum was to buy in as much domestic support as you can afford, and to accept offers of help, even when you think you don't need them. Used them both (dishwasher, cleaner for 2 hours a week). Also accept lower standards e.g. the only way I could get them fed between childminder and Rainbows was to get chips and sit in the car eating them. We survived!

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 17:46

MastieMum · 27/12/2023 17:28

The best advice I got as a single mum was to buy in as much domestic support as you can afford, and to accept offers of help, even when you think you don't need them. Used them both (dishwasher, cleaner for 2 hours a week). Also accept lower standards e.g. the only way I could get them fed between childminder and Rainbows was to get chips and sit in the car eating them. We survived!

Oh that's another one. Feed them something hot earlier but have a packed lunch made up for them in the evening. The more thinking ahead like that you get done then the more you can save pockets of cash.

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 17:50

Their bed covers don't need to be cleaned as much as you think. Flasks for picnics on the go.

Tumbleweed101 · 27/12/2023 18:04

Support network - I had my mum and brother living close by and relied on them for help a fair bit through the years. Consider how much their father may be able to help with.

Dont take on too much - children don't need loads of activities.

Try to finish work as early as you can after school so you are there to make dinner and do homework and prep for next day. I had to change my job so it was term time and school hours while my children were very young and have built the hours back up as they grew up.

Dont worry about it being messy just make sure washing and food shops are kept on top of. I got online delivery for food.

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 18:10

Stamps. Have a book of 1st class stamps in your purse. Hide £20 in your purse for absolute emergencies.

TinkerTiger · 27/12/2023 19:54

Hubblebubble · 26/12/2023 16:59

Did you live alone as an adult at any point? It's just like that, plus kids.

So totally different then

Floopani · 27/12/2023 19:55

Lower your standards.

Hubblebubble · 28/12/2023 00:04

@TinkerTiger OP was worrying about being in charge of all life admin. But if you've lived alone as an adult, before being part of a couple, then you've surely been capable of sorting out all your bills, tax, dentist and doctors appointments, putting out the rubbish, basic DIY or finding tradespeople. Being a lone parent is just like that, but with kids. Sure, people get into a routine of delegating certain things to a partner, but I think it's helpful to remember that if you've done it once, then you can do it again. Obviously, must be scary for people who've leapt from being a dependent child to being part of a couple, and have never been independent.

TinkerTiger · 28/12/2023 01:09

Hubblebubble · 28/12/2023 00:04

@TinkerTiger OP was worrying about being in charge of all life admin. But if you've lived alone as an adult, before being part of a couple, then you've surely been capable of sorting out all your bills, tax, dentist and doctors appointments, putting out the rubbish, basic DIY or finding tradespeople. Being a lone parent is just like that, but with kids. Sure, people get into a routine of delegating certain things to a partner, but I think it's helpful to remember that if you've done it once, then you can do it again. Obviously, must be scary for people who've leapt from being a dependent child to being part of a couple, and have never been independent.

I think that some things won't change, such as household bills. Internet is internet regardless of your dependants.

But OP can't split herself into two to do schools runs and separate after school clubs which were mentioned in the OP, which I think isn't comparable to single life when it's just me that I have to take to the dentist

OldPodge · 28/12/2023 01:39

I survived bringing up two sons, who are now adults from the ages of 2 and 4. I worked full time and lived too far from my own family for much support. I hope, OP that one day yours kids will tell you they had a happy childhood like mine do now. The things they remember and I think helped:
Get out in the fresh air at weekends together. A walk in the woods or a trip to the local park costs nothing. We would often take a simple picnic, weather permitting. It sometimes feels difficult after a tiring week to get out but it invariably made us all feel better. It’s a good way to cope with stress too. Don’t be tempted to use all the weekend catching up with housework.
National Trust membership was good for us, but I realise it depends where you live, and what’s available locally. We were lucky.
Join the local library if you can. Hopefully you still have one.
Camping trips in the summer even a few miles away were always a great adventure together. Camping stuff can be picked up second hand.

AmazingDayz · 28/12/2023 01:43

Hubblebubble · 28/12/2023 00:04

@TinkerTiger OP was worrying about being in charge of all life admin. But if you've lived alone as an adult, before being part of a couple, then you've surely been capable of sorting out all your bills, tax, dentist and doctors appointments, putting out the rubbish, basic DIY or finding tradespeople. Being a lone parent is just like that, but with kids. Sure, people get into a routine of delegating certain things to a partner, but I think it's helpful to remember that if you've done it once, then you can do it again. Obviously, must be scary for people who've leapt from being a dependent child to being part of a couple, and have never been independent.

It’s definitely not the same and I lived alone from 16. Nothing like being a lone parent.

Hubblebubble · 28/12/2023 09:48

@AmazingDayz well we all have different experiences. I'm a lone parent, and I really can't say that I'm struggling with life admin. With the exception of setting up a child's first passport being a lot of hassle. I get a lot of sympathy/assumptions that it must be a difficult life, but nothing could be further from the truth.

coodawoodashooda · 28/12/2023 11:10

OldPodge · 28/12/2023 01:39

I survived bringing up two sons, who are now adults from the ages of 2 and 4. I worked full time and lived too far from my own family for much support. I hope, OP that one day yours kids will tell you they had a happy childhood like mine do now. The things they remember and I think helped:
Get out in the fresh air at weekends together. A walk in the woods or a trip to the local park costs nothing. We would often take a simple picnic, weather permitting. It sometimes feels difficult after a tiring week to get out but it invariably made us all feel better. It’s a good way to cope with stress too. Don’t be tempted to use all the weekend catching up with housework.
National Trust membership was good for us, but I realise it depends where you live, and what’s available locally. We were lucky.
Join the local library if you can. Hopefully you still have one.
Camping trips in the summer even a few miles away were always a great adventure together. Camping stuff can be picked up second hand.

When do you think your kids realised how much you'd done for them?

NosyJosie · 28/12/2023 17:43

I did not particularly expect a thank you or some sort of acknowledgment as long as they were happy and fairly well adjusted but mine started making comments around “job well done” from senior school age. The teenage years is a time of finding out who they are as individuals and they will observe and compare what is going on in their peer groups and mine know where they stand and what they’ve got. Interestingly, they are quietly pleased when they know more than their friends who have both parents home and I’ve made sure they can cook, clean and look after money and covid also helped this as they were at home with me working and they saw how much it takes to work and mum.