To ask for your tips as I head for single parenthood

[NearlyHeadlessNick]

I'm getting my ducks in a row. I have 2 kids who are 5 and 3. Both will be resident with me. Both do swimming/dance and the eldest does scouts so clubs after school.

I work full time. Getting maintenance for the children shouldn't be problematic.
Both have lunches provided.

What are your organisational hacks or what helps your day to run logistically smoothly? I work from home a lot which helps. But I dread the thought of sole organisation of life and all that goes with it.

If you work from home sort out what your works policy is on having children at home with you. My employer has a hybrid working policy that states if children need "caring" for them they should be in child care during working hours. Luckily mine are 8 and older so I block out the school run in my diary but they are fine to look after themselves till dinner time while I do meetings. Work out what you will do when you do have days in the office.

Grocery delivery or click and collect

Always make double for dinner so you get two days out if it.

If you drive fill the car up once a week so you don't have to worry about it during the week

Buy plenty of socks and underwear for the kids so your not searching every morning.

Unload dishwasher before bed.

Always have cash for school fundraisers

Keep a couple of frozen pizzas/meals for when your too tired to cook.

Have early nights when possible and look after yourself.

Vitamins for the whole family.

Book holidays in advance so you are prepared and have something to look forward to.

Make new traditions that are meaningful for your new family unit. For example, before they go on holiday with their dad, we still go for out for breakfast with bacon sandwiches.

Have a luxuries budget, however small, so they understand that money is there to make life better but is finite. After a family discussion, we bought a popcorn maker for movie nights and they still love it.

Teach them to use the washing machine and dishwasher and to make a cup of tea. They can do that when quite young and it's very hand to have other people who can do those things.

Weekends as a solo parent can be lonely so take the initiative. Plan outings, invite people with children over for lunch, figure out clubs etc.

For years, I gave them money to buy me a birthday present each. And I have always bought myself a stocking from Father Christmas.

Be prepared to not get maintenance so don’t factor it into your budget. People really show their true colours when money gets involved.

Batch cooking just about saved my life. That and a massive chest freezer, plus close proximity to a large Iceland shop.

As a single parent for 10 years, my biggest piece of advice is just have the thought process of "If you can do it today, don't put it off until tomorrow". Not the other way around. Get a planner and always look at being 6 weeks ahead. The rest you will work out quicker than you think, and you will definitely surprise yourself. Good luck.

Yeah. I totally agree.

This.

Plan ahead now for the teen years, financially.

When mine were little, the maintenance was insufficient but manageable - small children don't cost much.

Legal proceedings took a decade, and I listened to people telling me it would all work out.

It didn't. Yes I eventually got a better maintenance but it's insufficient for teens who are so expensive - food along is a terrifying cost. Kids don't spend any time with ex.

I'm perpetually worried about meeting education / university costs & wish I'd faced up to this sooner.

This is a useful thread. I have no advice but I’m signing in as I will be in the same boat. Been together 20+ years and I’ve never lived alone. I’m also autistic/ADHD and am not very organised.

It’s scary making this leap isn’t it. But if it helps my friends have been telling me how much better it is when you aren’t stuck in an unhappy situation and you can make your own choices so I’m holding onto that 💐

This is also me.

One thing I would recommend is to make an appointment to sit down with your line manager and walk through some of the restrictions which this will impose upon you and spell out what you will need from them in terms of reasonable adjustments. I'm assuming you have an OK relationship with your boss: if not then you might be in uncharted territory.

In general I really enjoyed being a single parent but one of the things I found hardest about it was getting across to people that a lot of the expectations of work are twice as hard for you as for a person with support from another parent: eg social events/networking events which are scheduled at short notice and early/late meetings. This doesn't mean you're not committed, it just means you need more time to plan.

I used to get very frustrated when people booked in breakfast meetings for me or train journeys starting early without checking first that they actually worked for me and then very stressed out when I had to cancel them. This led to a period of adjustment with my company when they would initially accuse me of being disorganised when I couldn't attend things. I eventually had a meeting with my two line managers and said "I'm going to work twice as hard as most of your employees because I have to, and I'm happy to work late at night (from home) etc, but what I can't do is jump to do unscheduled social stuff with three days notice because I can't get childcare. So please try to work with me on this and you'll get a lot out of me."

Once they grasped this they realised what a valuable employee I was: I almost never go drinking midweek so I can work in the evenings after my DD is in bed, I'm up earlier than most of my colleagues and therefore I'm free to work at times when other people are relaxing, I never have hangovers and I'm ferociously organised but I can't jump on a train at 7.45am to do client meetings. Over time they've come to really appreciate me. But I think I would have helped myself if I'd spelled this out from Day 1.

Sympathies @coodawoodashooda

I have spent recent months being very cross with myself. However a) I didn't ininibibbreally understand the issues sooner and was told ultimately ex would have to contribute his fair share and b) for some issues, there wasn't much I could do. But some I could.

It's just the worry isn't it, and trying to make the PPP y

trying to make the PPP y

Sorry no idea what that was, end was supposed to me, trying to ensure the teens are as happy as they can be.

If you can get a remote job with flexitime then that's a huge help. That said, I think that would help coupled parents too.

What great advice.

I think most people would find this hard to do. My own line managers are in one way sympathetic & I'm fortunate to have a lot of control over my schedule but there's no true understanding of what it's like as a single parent, with literally everything on you.

Additionally, for me, work is the only thing I have that is 'mine' & so I over-invest, and work too hard at times as it isn't just practical, it's emotional too.

I was going through my divorce this year & there were innumerable trips to court, legal meetings etc (ex made our lives hell); I tried to explain it to my LM, who's a friend & also a parent. She was superficially interested but no real support & there was no possibility of a plan to help with work (she simply said to take time off but that wasn't the solution, or practical).

I am really determined in 2024 to start doing this for myself, finally setting the boundaries as I have the means to do so thankfully, and putting me & DC first

Your idea of specific practical suggestions and also being really clear how much harder it is for a single parent to even show up each day is excellent.

This is very good advice. You may need to get your hard hat on. I've had to put my foot down at work quite firmly on occasion that my childcare begins at 8 and ends at 6 and there are no alternatives. One manager in particular was a problem. Must have been great. But set a precedent from the outset and don't budge. I tell my students who a parents the same.

Invest in a slow cooker that has a high setting.

I work from home - I usually put put slow cooker on high at lunchtime so I can bung in a dish, such as spicy sausage pasta sauce, so at teatime when I'm knackered from finishing work, all I have to do is heat up some pasta to go with it.

Air fryers also a godsend for popping in a quick meal that's easy to put together.

@EarringsandLipstick

I think most people would find this hard to do. My own line managers are in one way sympathetic & I'm fortunate to have a lot of control over my schedule but there's no true understanding of what it's like as a single parent, with literally everythingon you

I totally accept this isn't possible for everyone. It does rely on having a decent reputation at work and a good relationship with your bosses. I was quite lucky in that my direct LMs are both women with children: I think it would have been much harder if they'd been "facilitated men" (men with SAHM wives who are used to leaving everything to her indoors, of which there are many in my industry).

It is still frustrating when they bring up at every annual review that I don't do as much networking as they think I should and fail to realise that midweek drinking is simply almost never an option for me (nor do I really want to do it). There's still very much an assumption that if I can't make meetings or social things at odd hours I'm disorganised which enrages me.

But you can turn this to your advantage: what you can do as a single parent is lobby hard around the fact that your lack of freedom at home can be a positive thing for the company. I've had literally hundreds of evenings where I've been the only person working because all my colleagues are out on the lash so I'm the one stuck at home working on urgent documents. It's shit in many ways but it does make you very valuable because you're someone who can be absolutely relied upon to be present and able to work when others are insisting upon their right to get pissed or have a long lie-in.

That probably only works if you're in a white collar job you can do from home. But single parents can do some PR around the fact that by definition they need to work harder and be more organised than anyone else just to keep the lights on.

It's that old adage: if you want something done well give it to a busy (single) mother to do it. You know they can't afford there to be any slack in the system.

@pastypirate

I've had to put my foot down at work quite firmly on occasion that my childcare begins at 8 and ends at 6 and there are no alternatives. One manager in particular was a problem. Must have been great. But set a precedent from the outset and don't budge. I tell my students who a parents the same.

Yep. You need to set expectations early and stick to them. You will work your arse off, but you can't do breakfast meetings but that does mean you're free to work after 8pm (from home). Or whatever your situation dictates. Put things in your diary. I've got a standing block in my diary between 8.00am and 9.30am (when I'm usually on the school run and then commuting in) which means people have to check with me before booking stuff in. Everyone, from the bosses down to the newest juniors, knows that they can't put meetings in between these hours unless I specifically say it's OK.

I'm also lucky that I'm now senior enough to be able to insist on things: I can't ever stay in the office beyond 6pm and people know not to ask me.

The earlier you lay down parameters the better: people will always be resentful that you have to have certain adjustments made for you. If you can say you were clear about this from the outset it's better.

Be kind to yourself - doing the work of two is tough.

A layer of dust is not the end of the world.

Batch cooking, slow cooker, sandwiches, picky bits.... are all your friends.

Once you have a routine that works, go with it. There were evenings I would rebel and not make the packed unches or not put the.washing on and then regret it the next day. It is drudgery but it's there for a reason!

They can do a bowl of cereal from very young. They can also dress themselves, bring down washing baskets, put things in the dishwasher, peg out washing (always good for a laugh!) and make a simple sandwich and toast.

I have a £2 jar. Any £2 coins I get are saved in it. The stipulation for the £2 jar is that the money must be spent on me and it must buy something I absolutely do not need (spa day, another handbag....). My kids knew to keep £2 coins for me and that I would always swap them.

All holidays are fun. Caravans, tents, cottages or trailing everyone through an airport at 4am. Do what is within budget but don't let being alone stop you. There are single parent holidays if you really can't face doing it alone (but an expensive option).

Internet supermarket shopping is a god send.

Give yourself a break, I didn't batch cook, have a wall planner or iron a thing but all is well. What I did do was factor in that I am not massively organised, and have more sets of uniform/pe kits than we needed, and more towels and sets of bedding so if I didn't get the laundry turned round it wasn't the end of the world, there was a clean set somewhere.

Food in the freezer, including bread and milk, butter and cheese for an emergency toastie, because once you're in for the night with tired kids there's no nipping back out. Don't let your car get empty of fuel. Accept you can't be in in two places at once, you're only one person, you'll do your best and that will be enough.

Find someone in a similar boat to hang out with, via a local meetup group or facebook group or whatnot, other single parents, and your cleaner, will save your soul.

Don't rely on maintenance, paddle your own canoe and anything else is a bonus, you might even find life much easier in many ways depending on the set up you had with your ex.

You can do it, freedom and peace awaits!

@Thepeopleversuswork

I agree entirely and think you are so right spelling it out. My own workplace is superficially flexible & supportive but underneath the surface often not so.

However, the solution is in my own hands largely, as I've a lot of scope in my middle management position, but I feel the need to work harder than I have to.

Don't expect their father to take them. Ever. Never anticipate those lovely days when you don't have the children and can rest. Because if you expect and anticipate them, it feels so much worse when the father cancels.

Let the children be bored. Don't feel you have to overcompensate for their father's absence by entertaining them every second they are with you. Boredom fuels creativity.

Cultivate friendships with other single mothers who will sympathise and encourage you. Do not give the time of day to anyone who tells you you aren't doing well enough.

Trust yourself. You will be fine.