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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's wrong to make a child wet themself?

95 replies

WoIsMe · 26/12/2023 16:22

A friend's partner was driving on the motorway when their 7yo daughter needed the loo. I don't know how close the nearest service station was or why they couldn't pull over on to the hard shoulder for a wild wee, but the partner told the girl to wee in her car seat, i.e. to deliberately wet herself. My friend found out about it today and is very upset about the incident. I can understand a child having an accident in the car, although maybe not so much at age 7, but it seems very strange to me. So, AIBU to think it's wrong to make a child wet themself in the car?

OP posts:
5128gap · 27/12/2023 16:54

I see. So really this is just about your friend wanting to give his DDs mum a bad time about something because he feels she does that to him? And you're supporting him and want the weight of MN opinion to add grist to your mills. Even when people assumed the parent driving was the father they mostly thought YABU, so you and you friend may need another stick to beat his ex with.

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 16:58

There's not enough context here. If there were options, then yes it's wrong, if there weren't then no. 7 yr old often give very short notice and to have painful urgency is not unusual especially if they've been focused on something else. It's easier with boys, I used to keep an empty bottle in the car. With my daughter we stopped as often as possible and asked her regularly but this isn't always possible. If the mother stresses about her child's well being so much I doubt it was done out of cruelty but for permission.

YogiYogiBear · 27/12/2023 16:59

melj1213 · 27/12/2023 11:00

Tha availability of services are not guaranteed and not always where you need them to be though as it's not like they've been built every X miles on a set schedule.

Where I live in the lakes if I'm going Northbound on the M6 then once I get past Tebay, the next services are at Carlisle which is a minimum of 30mins drive ... If DD was to let us drive past Tebay and then announce she needed a wee then I'd have to either keep driving to Carlisle and hope she could hold it or just take some random exit and hope there is somewhere I can stop (and I don't know the area around there as we always just drive through enroute to visiting family in Scotland) with no guarantee I'll find somewhere before she wets herself anyway.

Show quote history

For future reference you have the Regead services signposted just off the Penrith junction, Southwaite Services just off junction 42 and I'm pretty sure there is a petrol station with a toilet on that stretch too.

5foot5 · 27/12/2023 17:07

There is a back story here in that the mum has never trusted my friend to be able to look after their daughter.

@WoIsMe Well if your friend's solution to this problem would have been to pull on to the hard shoulder for a "wild wee", maybe she has good reason not to trust him.

PriOn1 · 27/12/2023 17:21

There’s a difference between the child having an accident because they couldn’t hold it and the child being told to wet themself deliberately. Past a certain age, it’s a near impossibility psychologically make yourself urinate somewhere inappropriate as well, so I’d honestly wonder whether the story actually happened as you were told it.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2023 17:26

There is a back story here in that the mum has never trusted my friend to be able to look after their daughter

Well, if the idea about pulling over onto the hard shoulder came from your "friend", then it's possible to see why the mother might have trust issues.

DarkForces · 27/12/2023 17:57

WoIsMe · 27/12/2023 16:39

@DarkForces it's the father who is my friend and the mother that was driving on the motorway when the little girl wet herself. There is a back story here in that the mum has never trusted my friend to be able to look after their daughter. When he has her out somewhere, his partner is always texting to ask whether their daughter has her coat on, is hungry or thirsty, etc. I think the reason he's so upset, apart from the unpleasantness for his daughter, is that he feels that, if it had been him drjving her somewhere and she had to wet herself, then he would never have heard the end of it.

It really doesn't matter whether your friend is male or female. Pulling over on the hard shoulder to wee is incredibly dangerous and he/she doesn't have enough context to make a judgement. If I was stuck in traffic and dd was desperate I'd reassure her it was ok to wet herself. If I knew we could stop in the next 30 mins or so I'd encourage her to hang on.

If her mum left her in wet clothes and sore all day that's rubbish, if she got her clean and bathed quickly that's better.

Most of us are muddling through doing our best. We sometimes get toilet breaks/drinks wrong. It's how we try to rectify things that counts too. Stopping in the hard shoulder is an awful rectification.

I think your friend needs some time to reflect on whether this one upmanship is really what he wants to model for his dd. He can only change his own behaviour. The whole situation sounds toxic tbh

Sugarfree23 · 27/12/2023 20:27

It doesn't matter if it was mum or dad - you'd have to be a complete weirdo to want your car stinking of pee.

You and your friend need to stop trying to point score. There is a child who is in the middle and knows they are used as a pawn in the big game.

Actually I'm surprised the girl even told her Dad. I'd think most 7yos would be so embarrassed they'd tell nobody.

Katemax82 · 27/12/2023 22:17

I had to pull over onto the hard shoulder because my 3 year old son got out of his car seat. Would it have been better to let him wander round the back seat? ( he's being assessed gor asd for context)

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 22:35

If true then yes it is really bizarre. Are you sure it wasn’t more like.

Child- mummy I can’t hold it any longer
Mum- I’m trying to find somewhere to stop soon
child- I’m bursting, I can’t hold it
mum - I’m going as fast as I can but if you need to wee in the seat, that’s ok we’ll sort it as soon as we can stop.

is there a wider issue? Is the mums care normally sub par?

Sugarfree23 · 27/12/2023 23:18

Katemax82 · 27/12/2023 22:17

I had to pull over onto the hard shoulder because my 3 year old son got out of his car seat. Would it have been better to let him wander round the back seat? ( he's being assessed gor asd for context)

Ultimately you would have been saver getting to the next junction or services to sort his car seat. Less chance of you being involved in an accident driving than sitting on the hard shoulder.

Unless you think he was a distraction risking YOU to cause an accident.

The most dangerous place to be on a motorway is the hard shoulder. If you do have an issue and absolutely need to stop - get out the passenger side of the car - get as far from the car as possible, if there is a barrier go over it, if there is a bank go up it

Daisybuttercup12345 · 27/12/2023 23:39

I hope you aren't a driver!!!
And why have you created a post just to gossip about your friends family.
New years resolution- mind your OWN business.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/12/2023 23:57

Well if the idea of the hard shoulder 'wild wee' came from him, I can see why she doesn't trust him to look after her daughter. If my partner ever suggested that, it would be a long time before I trusted him to drive our kids anywhere!

Sugarfree23 · 28/12/2023 03:40

It has been reported by the Highway Agency that the average times before a car is hit by another when it has stopped on the hard shoulder is 11 minutes.

I did a search on how dangerous. 11 mins is no time at all. I'm shocked 😳 How long to stop and get out the car for a wee?

momonpurpose · 28/12/2023 03:44

festivepains · 26/12/2023 16:23

The hard shoulder isn't for wees. It's a dangerous place not a wee stop.

This. No one's life is worth the risk. I grew up with a boy brain damaged from a wild wee on the shoulder. Most handsome smart popular and now has the mental capacity of a 6 year old.

Original poster
WoIsMe · 28/12/2023 10:06

Crikey, some of you are reaching and projecting a bit much on this thread. It's just a question about a child having to wee in the car seat; there's no need to carry out character assassinations! My friend was worried about his daughter, that's all. At least one good thing has come out of this which is raised awareness of just how dangerous the hard shoulder is. I've never stopped on it myself but the statistics and experiences on this thread are truly terrifying.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 28/12/2023 10:41

WoIsMe · 28/12/2023 10:06

Crikey, some of you are reaching and projecting a bit much on this thread. It's just a question about a child having to wee in the car seat; there's no need to carry out character assassinations! My friend was worried about his daughter, that's all. At least one good thing has come out of this which is raised awareness of just how dangerous the hard shoulder is. I've never stopped on it myself but the statistics and experiences on this thread are truly terrifying.

Therefore, your best course of action is to explain to him how dangerous it would be to stop on the hard shoulder and that service stations don't just pop up like magic when you need one.

x2boys · 28/12/2023 10:54

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:41

That was a horrible - even downright abusive - thing to do. There is always an alternative to making a child wet him or herself.

You have to care enough about the comfort and dignity of the child to accomplish any of the alternatives, though, and it would help if you weren't a sociopath too.

They were on a motorway, not a trek through the bloody Gobi Desert.

Don't be ridiculous ,
Have you ever heard of traffic Jams ?
Sometimes people can stuck in them for hours
Unless you were there you don't know the full.context nobody does.

x2boys · 28/12/2023 10:59

Katemax82 · 27/12/2023 22:17

I had to pull over onto the hard shoulder because my 3 year old son got out of his car seat. Would it have been better to let him wander round the back seat? ( he's being assessed gor asd for context)

Have you got a creiling harness ?
My sons school.transport ,use one for him ( he's severely autistic and severe learning disabilities) as he would just get out of his seat .

Katemax82 · 28/12/2023 11:27

x2boys · 28/12/2023 10:59

Have you got a creiling harness ?
My sons school.transport ,use one for him ( he's severely autistic and severe learning disabilities) as he would just get out of his seat .

Show quote history

No, but I'll look into one thanks

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