To think it's wrong to make a child wet themself?

[WoIsMe]

A friend's partner was driving on the motorway when their 7yo daughter needed the loo. I don't know how close the nearest service station was or why they couldn't pull over on to the hard shoulder for a wild wee, but the partner told the girl to wee in her car seat, i.e. to deliberately wet herself. My friend found out about it today and is very upset about the incident. I can understand a child having an accident in the car, although maybe not so much at age 7, but it seems very strange to me. So, AIBU to think it's wrong to make a child wet themself in the car?

You can't possibly judge this unless you know the full context. If he just couldn't be arsed to stop he's in the wrong but there's plenty of other scenarios where he was reasonable.

Hard shoulder is dangerous so that's a no go, depending on which motorway it may not even exist.

Services can be a long way away depending on route, there's a section I drive where there is about 1 hour drive time between the services! Getting off at a random junction to find a spot for a wild wee could take ages if you don't know the area.

Perfectly possible there wasn't anywhere safe to stop in the relevant timeframe.

It's a horrible thing to do

If it's a motorway it's illegal. A wee does not count as an emergency even if you call it a wee emergency.
In the same way my friend got bollocked by the police for stopping due to a vomiting passenger emergency.

I'm not a driver, but why is it so dangerous to stop on the hard shoulder?

Risk of being hit by other cars, essentially.

I'd be angry too. My dd is 7 and she would have tried to hold on for as long as possible. The driver should have stopped at the nearest service station rather than humiliate a 7 year old child.

Oooh thanks! Is that incase someone veers into the hard shoulder or is it just because being stationary on a motorway is a bad idea?

Aw man I feel so dumb 😂

Apparently it's on non-motorway roads we would do it in an 'emergency,' not motorways.

Yes they should but it may not have been a option. My ds would only announce he needed the loo when he was already fit to burst. If this little girl did likewise then there may not have been much option.

It's unreasonable to think he should have pulled onto the hard shoulder that is do dangerous, however it's not acceptable to force a child to wee themselves, if he couldn't see a services to stop at he should have come off at the next junction and found a safe place to pull over for a wild wee.

I would 100% rather have a child wet themselves than stop on the hard shoulder!! FFS that’s for emergencies it’s not a toilet. Even in an emergency you get people off the hard shoulder and leave the car unless you have an actual death wish.

Im not sure about some on this thread but on my planet service stations don’t just pop up at random when you need a wee. Sometimes you can wait 50 miles for one.

A car breaking down as well as an accident - if you watch CCTV videos of motorway crashes, car crash into the sides of the motorway and a child having a wee would be dead in a heartbeat. Also, fast HGVs flying past as you are stood on the hard shoulder is a risk

the hard shoulder is absolutely not a place for a wee. If you can’t hold on to the next services then you would either need to pull off at junction and wild wee/find facilities or sadly wet yourself, it is never ok to use hard shoulder for wee (unless maybe absolutely stationary traffic jam for over an hour).

It is poor planning on any responsible adults' part(s) probably, isn't it? Someone's given the child drinks at the wrong time/too many drinks, rather than planned what the child has around the upcoming journey.

Otherwise, this would happen more often. But people manage to usually make sure it doesn't.

Aw thanks so much! Makes sense ♥️

1 in 10 motorway accidents involve cars on hardshoulder.

It's not unknown for other drivers to see the lights of a vehicle, become disoriented, laps in concentration, pull over thinking its a slow lane and drive straight into the rear of stationary vehicles. They realise too late the vehicle is stopped, then hit the stationary vehicle.

We have no idea why the driver didn't stop at the services, or pull off at a junction. The answer is probably a combination of factors, little warning, and too far to services.

But we can assume he had some reason, as nobody would want their car stinking of pee, even if they were hoping the carseat would take the brunt of it.

When my niece was younger, around 5yrs old, we were on the motorway in a similar situation. Next services were about 15miles away and we had to say that it was OK if she wet herself , we even managed to get a towel under her but she was hysterical. It wasn't a great option but it was the only we had in that situation, we did hope for a junction but none at that point. .
She actually held on until we pulled into the services and had a wee on the grass where we stopped the car, she wasnt getting to the loo in time.

I don't know how close the nearest service station was or why they couldn't pull over on to the hard shoulder ... but the partner told the girl to wee in her car seat, i.e. to deliberately wet herself.

YABVU - the first sentence is where your AIBU should have stopped because you are knowingly judging a situation, that is 100% contextual, based on zero context which you cannot do fairly as all the relevant information is missing.

YA also VVVVU to suggest stopping on the hard shoulder is in any way, shape or form and acceptable option for anything other than a life or death emergency, which a child needing a wee is not.

There is also a massive difference between:

"Dad, I need a wee!"
<Said just after passing last service station for many miles in heavy motorway traffic>
"We won't get to <destination> for 2hrs and the next services aren't for another 20mins, can you hold it that long?"
"No, I'm desperate!"
"I'm sorry sweetie but there's nowhere safe to stop so you'll have to try and hold it until the services and I'll try and get us there as fast as we can. If you have an accident before we get there then don't worry, I know you're trying your best to hold it but it is a long way so if you can't hold it then it's ok. We can stop and get cleaned up if necessary but we'll try and get there as quick as we can"
Child then wets themselves, driver stops at the next opportunity to get child out of wet clothes/seat and clean up as much as possible asap

Vs

"Dad I need a wee!"
<Said just as sign appears to say the turn off to the next services is in ½ a mile on a journey where there is no time constraints to prevent a toilet stop>
"Well you'll have to hold it because I'm not stopping till we get to <destination>"
"I'm not desperate but I can't wait that long!"
"Well you'll have to try!"
20 mins later, after passing multiple services/rest stops
"Dad, I'm really desperate for a wee now, I can't hold it any more"
"I told you, I'm not stopping until we get to <destination> so you'll just have to hold it for another hour or wee in your seat, either way I'm not stopping!"
Child then wets themselves and is forced to sit in wet clothes/seat for the next hour despite multiple opportunities for the driver to stop and let them get cleaned up

The former situation is perfectly understandable - the driver is in a situation where they cannot stop immediately, they have acknowledged that they know there is a risk of the child having an accident in the car but has reassured the child that they know it's a possibility and they're not going to get mad at them whilst trying to get them to hold on as long as possible so they can find somewhere safe to get off the road. They have also made it clear that they will stop at the next services regardless so that the child can either use the toilet or get cleaned up for the rest of the journey.

The latter situation is totally unacceptable as the driver has multiple opportunities to stop but chooses not to and humiliates the child for no reason other than they don't want to stop the car.

From your OP we cannot ascertain which of these situations you are describing and therefore YABU to ask people to judge the situation out of all context.

There are services available for this. So horrible to do that to a child.
I agree about not stopping on the hard shoulder though

There aren't services at regular intervals. When I go on the motorway near home the first services is 45 mins away. And the one after that is probably further .

Tha availability of services are not guaranteed and not always where you need them to be though as it's not like they've been built every X miles on a set schedule.

Where I live in the lakes if I'm going Northbound on the M6 then once I get past Tebay, the next services are at Carlisle which is a minimum of 30mins drive ... If DD was to let us drive past Tebay and then announce she needed a wee then I'd have to either keep driving to Carlisle and hope she could hold it or just take some random exit and hope there is somewhere I can stop (and I don't know the area around there as we always just drive through enroute to visiting family in Scotland) with no guarantee I'll find somewhere before she wets herself anyway.

I guess in life you can either start from the assumption that most people have good intentions or not. Assuming that the father is basically a decent person I'd assume the child wasn't going to be able to hold on until the next services and he was trying to reassure them that it's ok to wet themselves as there was no other close option.

You may choose to assume he's driven past other options and enjoys the smell of stale wee and the joys of cleaning a car seat. I'm unclear why he'd prefer that but you know him better than I do

@DarkForces it's the father who is my friend and the mother that was driving on the motorway when the little girl wet herself. There is a back story here in that the mum has never trusted my friend to be able to look after their daughter. When he has her out somewhere, his partner is always texting to ask whether their daughter has her coat on, is hungry or thirsty, etc. I think the reason he's so upset, apart from the unpleasantness for his daughter, is that he feels that, if it had been him drjving her somewhere and she had to wet herself, then he would never have heard the end of it.

Ah … Dad wants to “score points”, rather than having a genuine concern about the welfare of the child.

I really feel for children stuck in toxic situations like this.

How was he made aware of this situation?