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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For these comments to sting

65 replies

reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:01

Ds is an autistic teen. He has a very high IQ but extremely low emotional intelligence, prone to lashing out / dysregulation etc. Attends a specialist school and needs emotional support a lot. So I know I probably am being unreasonable and need to let it go...

When opening presents, he looked horrified / disgusted at about 90% of the ones we bought him. Kept saying things like 'take it back' 'I hate it' 'I never asked for this' 'I won't use it' 'why do you buy stuff like this' etc. he even threw some of them at me in anger.

Thing is, he doesn't ever know what he wants. But would hate it if he got nothing. Wants none of Christmas but also wants all of it. I really tried my best to buy a few things he might enjoy or needs or would like but it was all just shit to him. His birthday is next month so we have to go through it all again.

I used to love Christmas but with each passing year he's becoming more hurtful and I'm starting to dread it more and more. This is my first Christmas Day cry and he had no idea why because he can't join the dots emotionally.

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 26/12/2023 16:04

I wouldn't buy him anything.

Glenthebattleostrich · 26/12/2023 16:10

I understand the reason behind the behavior but that really is unacceptable.

He either needs to provide a list of acceptable items / areas of interest or just be given money with a few practical things.

I do understand it is hard, would sit together to choose some things online?

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:14

It is unacceptable but he doesn't understand that it is unacceptable. It's really hard, he literally doesn't have a clue that saying these things could ever cause someone upset because it's what he thinks. He's very black and white and doesn't understand emotions. His memory is terrible too.

I guess we could just buy him nothing but most likely he'll become extremely violent and see it as punishment for something. His mental health is dreadful as it is.

OP posts:
Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 16:17

reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:01

Ds is an autistic teen. He has a very high IQ but extremely low emotional intelligence, prone to lashing out / dysregulation etc. Attends a specialist school and needs emotional support a lot. So I know I probably am being unreasonable and need to let it go...

When opening presents, he looked horrified / disgusted at about 90% of the ones we bought him. Kept saying things like 'take it back' 'I hate it' 'I never asked for this' 'I won't use it' 'why do you buy stuff like this' etc. he even threw some of them at me in anger.

Thing is, he doesn't ever know what he wants. But would hate it if he got nothing. Wants none of Christmas but also wants all of it. I really tried my best to buy a few things he might enjoy or needs or would like but it was all just shit to him. His birthday is next month so we have to go through it all again.

I used to love Christmas but with each passing year he's becoming more hurtful and I'm starting to dread it more and more. This is my first Christmas Day cry and he had no idea why because he can't join the dots emotionally.

My DN is 16 and is as honest as your DS!
She comes across as very blunt. As I said to my sister… The intention isn’t rudeness, that’s your perception.
You really shouldn’t take what he said personally. He’s just telling you (in his lack of emotional intelligence way) the truth.
He didn’t ask for those things, he may not ever use them. He hasn’t said these things to hurt you he’s just saying it as he sees it.
I appreciate it’s hard to not take it personally but it really isn’t meant that way ❤️

Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 16:20

In future why not buy him gift cards or take him shopping to choose what he wants. I get it kind of ruins the surprise on Christmas Day but it may be a way of managing the expectations a bit x

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:20

@Mumof2NDers thank you. Yes, I know you're right. Throwing them at me was designed to hurt because he was getting angry but the words weren't meant that way - they were him speaking the truth.

It stings that I can't find anything my child likes or wants for Christmas and I guess underneath all that is a worry what his life will look like when he goes around talking to people like that and doesn't understand why people get upset or angry with him.

OP posts:
Sallybegood · 26/12/2023 16:21

I’m sorry, I think it’s totally understandable you found that deeply upsetting. I think @Glenthebattleostrich makes some really good suggestions. Could you choose some things together with him in advance that he will open on the day as presents, or just give him money or vouchers?

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:21

Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 16:20

In future why not buy him gift cards or take him shopping to choose what he wants. I get it kind of ruins the surprise on Christmas Day but it may be a way of managing the expectations a bit x

He refuses to ever go shopping and doesn't EVER spend money on anything so gift cards are as useless to him in his eyes.

Maybe I need to have a conversation with him about not receiving anything and if that would be preferable. I had said if he had no ideas, people will buy him what they think he might like but he forgot it all on Xmas day so would probably not remember the 'no presents' conversation if we had it.

OP posts:
Sallybegood · 26/12/2023 16:23

Are there any foods that he particularly likes? Chocolates or something simple like that?

Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 16:28

reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:20

@Mumof2NDers thank you. Yes, I know you're right. Throwing them at me was designed to hurt because he was getting angry but the words weren't meant that way - they were him speaking the truth.

It stings that I can't find anything my child likes or wants for Christmas and I guess underneath all that is a worry what his life will look like when he goes around talking to people like that and doesn't understand why people get upset or angry with him.

My sister has the same worries. We’re all used to my niece and know that her brain doesn’t compute how her words might be taken. Unfortunately the rest of the world may not be as understanding.
You sound like a lovely mum doing her best for her son. I would suggest taking the pressure off yourself by not trying to do everything right. Accept that your Christmas / birthday celebrations may be different. X

xyz111 · 26/12/2023 16:29

I would maybe have a conversation with him. "I know you weren't happy with what I got you for Christmas. It was unacceptable for you to throw things at me. For your birthday, what would you like me to do?we could have a look online to see what you'd like if you don't want to go shopping?or we could do a trip/do activity you'd like".

I know that conversation might be impossible, but for his birthday I feel you may need to try and lessen the stress for you all.

Notadoormat4 · 26/12/2023 16:30

I also have an autistic child who can say some extremely hurtful things when overwhelmed. I take that, I know that it is just words and they will mostly apologise afterwards.

However, we won't tolerate violence. Once things have calmed down, have that conversation and come up with strategies if it gets to that point. If it does get to that point, mention those strategies.

We had a much better Christmas yesterday than we did last year. There was a moment when a game wouldn't work but we have said we will revisit it when the baby is asleep either tonight or tomorrow.

Next September and October, give reminders that you need to know what he would like for Christmas, if there are no suggestions then you are limited in what you can purchase.

There's no fix or cure for Christmas, it is incredibly difficult to know what is best.

MsChatterbox · 26/12/2023 16:33

You say he forgets, will he remember if you tell him the morning before? My son is autistic and before we go downstairs I remind him of some rules. Would it help your son if there was no surprise element? Have photos of his presents printed out so he can look at them and know what to expect?

Callyem · 26/12/2023 16:34

He may not understand it is unacceptable in the moment but it definitely needs to be explicitly told to him now. I'm talking more so the throwing than the words.

Also, I think you should take him at his word and return the items he does not want, recoup some money and pop it in savings or something.

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:41

Callyem · 26/12/2023 16:34

He may not understand it is unacceptable in the moment but it definitely needs to be explicitly told to him now. I'm talking more so the throwing than the words.

Also, I think you should take him at his word and return the items he does not want, recoup some money and pop it in savings or something.

We have had those conversations and he has apologised but it won't stop it happening again. His violence has lessened over the years thanks to medication and significant intervention from lots of agencies but it hasn't gone completely, maybe once he's fully matured it will be under his control. Mostly he has no idea he's done it. His overwhelm is on a scale I can't comprehend easily. The disconnect between his emotional understanding and cognitive ability is ginormous which doesn't help how he sees the world.

Tbh, I think what I'm most feeling is a little resurgence of sadness about him being so disabled and how I wish things were different sometimes. And this is one of those times.

I just need to pull myself together and accept the hand I've been given I think.

Thank you for all your kind words and suggestions.

OP posts:
AriannasGuitarCase · 26/12/2023 16:43

Have you tried giving him set choices?
"I would like to buy you some things for Xmas/birthday... would you prefer 'A' or 'B'? And 'C' or 'D'?"

It takes the pressure off him to come up with ideas himself but also gives him some control over it and removes the surprise element

I'm Autistic, as is my dd, but only you will know if this would work for your dc

Mrsttcno1 · 26/12/2023 16:46

My youngest cousin is very similar, also autistic, and just literally says things as he see’s them. He struggles with Christmas Day in general as he hates the change to routine, and always used to be the same with presents, hated everything, everything was wrong, used to smash and break them immediately and throw them around, but almost exactly as you have said, if he got nothing for Christmas then that was equally as horrific in his eyes so it was a lose-lose for my aunt. Maybe 4/5 years ago they tackled this (after it happened at school, when his class did a secret santa type activity, and he really upset another child who had tried to make him a nice gift) by essentially giving him alternative phrases to say instead of lashing out. He is allowed to feel however he wants to about his gift, but he is not to take that out on somebody who has tried to get him a nice thing. He has been taught to appreciate the effort/the thought even if he doesn’t appreciate the gift, so instead of saying “I hate this and I will never use it why did you buy it” he will say “thank you for thinking of me/thank you for getting me a gift”. He does get reminded of these things in the run up to birthdays & christmas but fingers crossed since he started doing this there have been no huge problems. He’s also been told he doesn’t have to keep anything he doesn’t want (because he HATES clutter/mess/“things”, so he knows if he doesn’t want to keep something then it can either be returned or donated and this helps him a lot x

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 16:46

I disagree with most of the posts above. I'm really sorry op, but I think this is totally unacceptable, even with ASD. There are ways and means of speaking to people, it's fine to say I'm sorry I don't really like that or could we exchange it please or that isn't quite what I wanted.

throwing things at you it's just not ok. even if you don't like it or it's not what you want, he can talk about it and it's not a problem to return things.

But it's all in the way you phrase things, how you say things to people, and even with ASD he does need to take that on board.

yousexybugger · 26/12/2023 16:50

I can understand how upsetting that was for you, you really tried.

What about a conversation tomorrow once things have calmed down about how it isn't acceptable to do XYZ upon receiving a present because ABC. Not saying it will change his behaviour overnight but throwing things etc upsets people and he deserves to have that pointed out and reflect on that as best he can at a time where there is opportunity to discuss it.

Then maybe try and set some ground rules and strategies such as maybe a list that he chooses from perhaps a budget from the Argos catalogue or money for his holiday that you remind him about before opening his presents? If he genuinely doesn't want presents are there any causes such as animals he would like to make a contribution to?

It will be a work in progress especially at overwhelming times such as Christmas but may over time give you and him strategies to be reminded of it meltdown starts to threaten

yousexybugger · 26/12/2023 16:50

Cross post sorry I can see you've tried those convos

xyz111 · 26/12/2023 16:54

I get how you feel op, my DS has ASD, and sometimes I just feel sad that he can't enjoy things like neurotypical children can. I look at "normal" families on outings sometimes and just feel sad. It's ok to feel that way. Sending hugs xx

Topofthemountain · 26/12/2023 16:55

I'm not sure if this would work for you but there was a poster on another thread who said she shows her ds all the agreed presents which he gets to hold before they are wrapped. There is then the unwrapping part, but none of the unexpected surprises.

I think it was a username like fibromum,.

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 16:56

I have no advice but just want to say you sound like a lovely mum, I hope you find a strategy that helps for his birthday but he’s lucky to have you, even if he can’t show it in the conventional way xx

girlfriend44 · 26/12/2023 16:57

Another post backing up my belief that its a good idea to do Xmas without the presents or not bother at all.

So much stress and upset not worth it.

ProfessorPeppy · 26/12/2023 16:59

It does sound like your DS just can’t ‘do’ Christmas, and that’s okay. Most people learn how to give and receive graciously, but autism makes this really difficult (a bit like the hidden curriculum at school). We never really explicitly teach children what the correct behaviour is around presents.

Could you do lots of social stories in the run up to Christmas? Maybe model someone getting something they hate/various other gift-giving scenarios?

I wonder also if you could sit with DS and an iPad and play a game of ‘what would X like/hate for Christmas?’. Really take it back to basics.

The one thing that DS might need to learn is that you’re not a mind-reader. If he wants presents, he needs to tell you what he wants, otherwise you’ll get him the wrong thing. If he doesn’t know, you could give him a choice: ‘this or this?’.