For these comments to sting

[reasyeasyballoon]

Ds is an autistic teen. He has a very high IQ but extremely low emotional intelligence, prone to lashing out / dysregulation etc. Attends a specialist school and needs emotional support a lot. So I know I probably am being unreasonable and need to let it go...

When opening presents, he looked horrified / disgusted at about 90% of the ones we bought him. Kept saying things like 'take it back' 'I hate it' 'I never asked for this' 'I won't use it' 'why do you buy stuff like this' etc. he even threw some of them at me in anger.

Thing is, he doesn't ever know what he wants. But would hate it if he got nothing. Wants none of Christmas but also wants all of it. I really tried my best to buy a few things he might enjoy or needs or would like but it was all just shit to him. His birthday is next month so we have to go through it all again.

I used to love Christmas but with each passing year he's becoming more hurtful and I'm starting to dread it more and more. This is my first Christmas Day cry and he had no idea why because he can't join the dots emotionally.

He has ASD. He can't simply 'take it on board' - that's the point, that's the problem.

I guess this is what I was wondering..and if theres no point repeatedly telling a child to say thanks for something they dont want. Must be confusing for them..

My dd is the same, not diagnosed ASD but likely to be soon. She is different in that she asks for things, but by the time she gets them she doesn't want them any more, or she likes them but doesn't use use them. Every year I swear I will give her money the next year, but every year I get sucked in thinking I have got it right this time. Case in point she asked for uggs for her dec birthday this year, I was delighted because she never asks for clothes/shoes, I got her the specific ones she asked for, but she won't wear them, i told her if she doesn't wear them she has to pay me back for them, so we will see how that goes. It's very annoying op, no advice but I feel your pain.

Give him home made vouchers for a gift of his choice he can cash in with you when he sees something he wants through the year. I'm autistic and I just hate gifts I don't want or need cluttering up my life, I learnt to smile say thanks and look pleased but I've always just thought I would prefer the money. If I see something I want in the middle of the year I have been known to tell my sister and she has bought it then on birthday/Christmas I don't get anything. I've started similar with my autistic son, I let him browse eBay and like the stuff he wants but if it's too expensive/he's not found what he likes I just let him know I owe him a gift and at some point he sees something he wants and asks. Only problem I have is he doesn't like "no" when I say he's had his limit now but we just had a really good Christmas without meltdowns so I'm happy

It's difficult.
Ds is actually very naturally thankful for something he wants or likes - it just trips out of his mouth without a thought because he IS thankful.
When it comes to the social norms of saying thank you regardless. He just doesn't understand it. He doesn't have the comprehension of how he feels or what to say. The emotions are too big. Words not available. Situation too confusing.
I've no idea what the answer is.

I guess it requires eagle eyes to see when he's escalating to the point where he becomes physical, and heading it off at the pass, op. But it's exhausting and not sustainable.

Do you have respite?

I do think reducing the emotional load helps. We have notions of excitement being a good thing but in reality, for people with autism it's a complete nightmare so there may be some mental reframing needed.

As a parent though, it's really tough x

I’m a SENDCo and talking to my students with ASD (mainstream), one of the things they find difficult is the social expectations when opening presents. So they struggle to give the right response. I know it takes away from the normal present opening, but could him opening his presents somewhere alone, giving him time to process, work for him? Good idea from previous poster to look and hold presents beforehand too.

So much of Christmas is about expectation and he will be struggling to understand and live up to them.

I hope you’re ok OP. It is so incredibly tough for parents of children with needs. Big virtual hugs.

The answer for my cousin, was saying thank you anyway. Even if he doesn’t like the gift, even if he doesn’t want the gift, even if he doesn’t really understand why he has to say it, he knows he has to say thank you anyway. That emotional level is something you can’t really “teach”, it’s almost impossible to teach someone to feel a certain way if they don’t, but you can teach him that regardless of how he feels about the particular gift, someone has gone out of their way to choose and buy it for him and so he should say thank you for that effort, even if the gift is not what he wanted.

It’s something we are all taught really, even if we don’t love a gift, we say thank you.

My cousin knows he doesn’t have to keep or use the gift, but he knows that in the moment when a gift is given, he says thank you. We do have that conversation with him to remind him coming up to birthdays/christmas as he can be forgetful but it makes a huge difference to what used to be an unpleasant day

In future ask him what he wants, and if he says "nothing", buy nothing. If he complains, remind him that he didn't ask for anything, and then ignore his further comments. It isn't perfect, but there is nothing you can do that will be right here.

OP - I also have autistic children, though mine are a lot younger than your son. I've been on such a huge learning curve about autism, about present giving and celebrations. I'm sure we're the same in that we've had to let go of a lot of our ideas about what Christmas with our children would look like.

We don't tend to have an surprises on Christmas Day - the kids know what they're going to get and this removes so much of the anxiety around presents.

I know that the comments stung, but you also know that receiving presents is stressful for autistic people. There is so much pressure to perform those special niceties that we all take for granted.

One friend makes sure her children know exactly what they're getting to remove the stress, another doesn't wrap them, another gets her children to help her order presents so they're fully involved in the process.

He shouldn't have thrown the presents - that really isn't acceptable. But can you have a proper sit down chat about the next birthday or celebration and get him fully involved in planning in, so that he can choose which aspects he'll be able to cope with?

Throw in teenage hormones and an incredibly long build up to Christmas, and you can see how much pressure he must have placed upon himself.

You know him best, so you'll know how to best guide him through these things.

DD17 is autistic and we have taught her phrases for when she receives gifts that she doesn’t want. Generic, factual statements like ‘Thank you for thinking of me,’ and ‘It was nice if you to get me a gift’ or even just ‘thank you’. But she can tell us her true feelings and we have a box in the house for donations.
We’ve brought our other 2 NT children up the same way but they’ve needed less rehearsal and practice - but we remind all of them prior to situations where gifts may be given.
With regards to us buying her gifts - she creates a wish list and we literally click from there (and make up any difference by giving her money which she rarely spends so is creating a useful future savings balance). This way, she knows what she’s getting and can avoid the surprise aspect - which she dislikes.
it is hard - give yourself a moment to do something for you.

I am autistic, late twenties, and honestly I cant cope with Christmas. I love Christmas but can’t cope with it. No idea what it was like when I was younger and I cannot remember.

this Christmas, I got some money towards a phone a few months ago so I could buy the phone. So understandably didn’t have much for Christmas. Well I wasn’t getting anything on Christmas until Friday when my step mum secretly bought a couple things from a garden centre for me.

I like opening presents, but never really have any clue what I want, I don’t like random novelty stuff as I have no use for that. I opened my three presents and they were very nice/stuff I could use. But I just burst into tears, I’m not sure why tbh, I was just overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time,I cried for over an hour. My identifying of emotions range between happy, bad and sad. The only thing I knew I wanted was Lindt Lindor balls. But I didn’t realise that until after I opened my presents and didn’t get any.

honestly I dont know what the answer is.

That must be so hard. Can you just give him sweets instead? I give my ASD DD big boxes of fancy chocolates, etc and then put them up and give them out a little at a time.
Side note, a lot of neurotypical teens act like this, but because of poor parenting. I spent a Christmas with a friend and her family a few years ago and all 3 of her teens did exactly this. There's no hope for them but your child will continue to develop and mature at his own pace and it will get easier. At some point I'm sure the maturity will hit a plateau, which is such a male thing too, but you'll have figured out how to handle it and honestly it's okay to just grab a glass of wine and laugh it off. I know you just want him to be happy, I hope next year is easier for you 💜

I gave my ASD DD the biggest boxes of Lindors and Ferrer Roche I could find. So many other kinds of candy and Japanese snacks too. In the past I did lots of toys or video game stuff but she got overwhelmed and kind of upset. So now I know candy and snacks is king, and just a couple of cute toys or crafts. Throughout the year she'll ask for specific things and I'll get them for her, but I think Christmas is too much at once. We do her birthday over like 3 days a few days apart so it's easier too.

Could you just give him money? Or take him to the shops to point out things he'd like then go back and get them another time? And would a conversation about it beforehand help? Could you teach him set phrases for gift opening eg just say thank you? And role play/practise? I'm very primary focussed so not sure if he is too old

Foreknowledge is smart. Depending on the child, taking them shopping and letting them pick things out is a good idea. I do online shopping for even less stress. I let my DD fill up the cart with the understanding that's the wish list and she'll actually get just a few of the items. I take any off with bad reviews usually. Less is more as my other comment said.