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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For these comments to sting

65 replies

reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 16:01

Ds is an autistic teen. He has a very high IQ but extremely low emotional intelligence, prone to lashing out / dysregulation etc. Attends a specialist school and needs emotional support a lot. So I know I probably am being unreasonable and need to let it go...

When opening presents, he looked horrified / disgusted at about 90% of the ones we bought him. Kept saying things like 'take it back' 'I hate it' 'I never asked for this' 'I won't use it' 'why do you buy stuff like this' etc. he even threw some of them at me in anger.

Thing is, he doesn't ever know what he wants. But would hate it if he got nothing. Wants none of Christmas but also wants all of it. I really tried my best to buy a few things he might enjoy or needs or would like but it was all just shit to him. His birthday is next month so we have to go through it all again.

I used to love Christmas but with each passing year he's becoming more hurtful and I'm starting to dread it more and more. This is my first Christmas Day cry and he had no idea why because he can't join the dots emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:00

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 16:56

I have no advice but just want to say you sound like a lovely mum, I hope you find a strategy that helps for his birthday but he’s lucky to have you, even if he can’t show it in the conventional way xx

Thank you - that's made me well up a bit! X

OP posts:
Paresse · 26/12/2023 17:00

I don't have any useful advice, but just wanted to say that your feelings are totally justified. You are in a very hard situation and going above and beyond. I have so much admiration for you. Big unmumsnetty hugs.

sprigatito · 26/12/2023 17:01

It's bloody hard with an autistic teenager. I bought mine Doc Martens for his 16th birthday thinking he would love them, he opened them and said "Why have you bought me lesbian shoes?"

We just developed rhino hide over the years, and he's much better now he's in his 20s.

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:04

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 16:46

I disagree with most of the posts above. I'm really sorry op, but I think this is totally unacceptable, even with ASD. There are ways and means of speaking to people, it's fine to say I'm sorry I don't really like that or could we exchange it please or that isn't quite what I wanted.

throwing things at you it's just not ok. even if you don't like it or it's not what you want, he can talk about it and it's not a problem to return things.

But it's all in the way you phrase things, how you say things to people, and even with ASD he does need to take that on board.

He has a severe social communication disorder so yes, ideally he'd say things differently but he doesn't have the ability to even understand why yet, let alone try and change the way he communicates. It's all a work in progress. It's likely in the future he'll never be an independent adult and will always need someone with him to stop someone else from punching him.

He goes to an autism specialist school and has endless SLT input, day in day out support with how he communicates and he's come a long way but he can't 'just' not do or say things no matter how much everyone would like him to. Disabilities don't work like that.

OP posts:
MaryHinges · 26/12/2023 17:05

If his memory is that bad, will he even remember birthdays and Christmases if you just don't draw attention to the impending dates? It seems pointless putting yourself through this year after year when he won't want any of the things you buy.

Porridgeinblankies · 26/12/2023 17:06

Do you 'have' to do birthdays and christmas OP? I'd personally not. Does he even remember these days?

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:09

xyz111 · 26/12/2023 16:54

I get how you feel op, my DS has ASD, and sometimes I just feel sad that he can't enjoy things like neurotypical children can. I look at "normal" families on outings sometimes and just feel sad. It's ok to feel that way. Sending hugs xx

Thank you. Hugs to you too. It's really painful sometimes isn't it.

OP posts:
MaryHinges · 26/12/2023 17:09

You've not answered how old he is but if we are talking teen as in nearer 18 that 13 the advice might differ.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 17:10

He may not find a use for the things you bought so in future buy him gaming vouchers or whatever.

HOWEVER, throwing things at you is completely unacceptable and if he's 'high functioning' (yes I know it's not the preferred term but it is understood what is meant by that) he's more than able to understand that throwing things at people is toxic behaviour.

Being autistic doesn't mean you can be spiteful.

Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:12

His memory is bad for conversations and discussions but he's very aware that it's Christmas and birthdays and want the whole normal experience. He just doesn't realise how it all affects him. He wants presents. He just doesn't know what he wants. I know it sounds ridiculous and hard to comprehend but giving him what he doesn't want is as bad as not doing it at all.

Thank you for all the suggestions. I'm going to take them all on board and have a good think. I probably need to take it back to more visual discussions and keep getting the visuals out in the run up to birthday etc. he sees visuals as babyish but his memory can't be relied upon so I'll do it anyway and hope for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:13

MaryHinges · 26/12/2023 17:09

You've not answered how old he is but if we are talking teen as in nearer 18 that 13 the advice might differ.

Sorry - didn't realise I didn't put it. He'll be 14 at next birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
reasyeasyballoon · 26/12/2023 17:15

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 17:10

He may not find a use for the things you bought so in future buy him gaming vouchers or whatever.

HOWEVER, throwing things at you is completely unacceptable and if he's 'high functioning' (yes I know it's not the preferred term but it is understood what is meant by that) he's more than able to understand that throwing things at people is toxic behaviour.

Being autistic doesn't mean you can be spiteful.

I wouldn't say he's high functioning. He has a high IQ but everything else is very low. He doesn't use violence through choice, it's because he doesn't know how else to communicate. He's like a toddler in that sense. He doesn't know he's done it, remember it or is able to change his behaviour but it is getting less as time goes on and he's maturing slowly.

OP posts:
ProfessorPeppy · 26/12/2023 17:15

@CandyLeBonBon

Honestly, OP’s DS doesn’t understand that he’s being spiteful. It sounds like he’s got a severe social communication disorder requiring a high level of SLT input, and his communication and speech will not reflect his higher cognitive functioning.

DS1 is AuDHD but has ‘learnt’ to mask disappointment. He still speaks his brains the entire time Grin

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2023 17:21

Maybe just don’t bother with any presents on his birthday - just acknowledge the day and give him a card, maybe cook him a special meal? He might tantrum over it, but tbh the tantrum will come whether or not you give him presents. So just put money in a savings account for him.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 17:25

ProfessorPeppy · 26/12/2023 17:15

@CandyLeBonBon

Honestly, OP’s DS doesn’t understand that he’s being spiteful. It sounds like he’s got a severe social communication disorder requiring a high level of SLT input, and his communication and speech will not reflect his higher cognitive functioning.

DS1 is AuDHD but has ‘learnt’ to mask disappointment. He still speaks his brains the entire time Grin

I have an autistic child. I'm fully aware of the traits and the difficulties.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 17:25

@reasyeasyballoon I hear you. How old is your son?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 17:26

Ah sorry just caught up with your update!

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 26/12/2023 17:26

I wouldn't bother giving him fuck all

timenowplease · 26/12/2023 17:34

How about teaching him some basic manners?

Grimfoxx · 26/12/2023 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mumof2NDers · 26/12/2023 17:36

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 26/12/2023 17:26

I wouldn't bother giving him fuck all

Have you bothered to read the full thread? Or seen OP’s replies?
If you haven’t then maybe you should!
If you have and that’s your response then shame on you!

Isthisexpected · 26/12/2023 17:37

Could you do some social stories work on special occasions and make it really black and white for him?

Is he too young or emotionally disabled to learn about having to be polite and saying thank you when someone gives you something regardless of what it is?

SutWytTi · 26/12/2023 17:40

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 16:46

I disagree with most of the posts above. I'm really sorry op, but I think this is totally unacceptable, even with ASD. There are ways and means of speaking to people, it's fine to say I'm sorry I don't really like that or could we exchange it please or that isn't quite what I wanted.

throwing things at you it's just not ok. even if you don't like it or it's not what you want, he can talk about it and it's not a problem to return things.

But it's all in the way you phrase things, how you say things to people, and even with ASD he does need to take that on board.

He has ASD. He can't simply 'take it on board' - that's the point, that's the problem.

Love the idea it could all be solved by him 'taking it on board'.

SutWytTi · 26/12/2023 17:44

@reasyeasyballoon Is there anything he likes - food, magazines, certain clothes, any activities where you can buy useful things?

If so I'd stop looking for great/novel presents and instead get anything he's comfortable with.

I myself would much rather a repeat favourite bar of chocolate than an exciting gift - could you wheel out his favourites?

Notimeforaname · 26/12/2023 17:47

I did wonder about this just yesterday.

Nephew is 6 so still very young. Extremely bright for his age and suspected ASD.

For every present this Christmas, he cried and flipped out.
I got him something he wanted but perhaps wasn't the exact brand or image he had in his mind so I totally and fully accept this and did not feel offended by his behaviour but I did wonder, should his parents make it a point to tell him he must say thank you, even if he doesn't like it? Is that 'wrong' now?
Now that I think if it, his siblings were not told to say thank you. None of them are very gracious about receiving gifts. Is it a parenting issue or could it be something like, they dont want to make their 6 year old feel pressured to say thank you when he cant/won't?..