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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt and grandma buying matching outfits for DD

78 replies

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:01

My MIL bought my DD the same jumper as her adult DD has, so they can match...

She also got her an ornament for her bedroom to match the one her DD ( my DD's aunt ) has in her bedroom.

She didn't just do it and say it once, but kept repeating it all day and how sweet it was.

I know it sounds petty, but I don't even buy matching outfits for my DD and I. I just think something like that should be reserved for mum and daughter ? Am I just a miserable cow ?

Of course I graciously repeated over and over again how lovely it was and I would never say anything but I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it deep down.

MIL and family often force their ways and traditions on us. Whereas my family don't do that at all. I feel like whenever we get together it's always about them and when the auntie was small and she did this and that, like DD. I just feel alienated by it as I guess I'm around them a lot and if I ever talk about my side of the family and what we did etc, they just kinda ignore and can't be bothered.

I know I'll be told I'm a miserable cow.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 26/12/2023 11:03

How old is Auntie, if she's a child herself I wouldn't think much of it.

If she's a full grown adult I'd think it's weird

Birdcar · 26/12/2023 11:04

It's odd but it sounds pretty harmless.

Tacotortoise · 26/12/2023 11:04

How bizarre. Def one to nod, smile and ignore. If your dd likes the idea of "matching" her aunt let her - she won't for long.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:05

Sugarfree23 · 26/12/2023 11:03

How old is Auntie, if she's a child herself I wouldn't think much of it.

If she's a full grown adult I'd think it's weird

She's an adult of course haha.

The way they kept repeating it, ' oh look, the same outfit as auntie so they can match '.

I know I'm being miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:05

Tacotortoise · 26/12/2023 11:04

How bizarre. Def one to nod, smile and ignore. If your dd likes the idea of "matching" her aunt let her - she won't for long.

My DD didn't even catch on to it anyway. She's only 3.

OP posts:
Buttercup176 · 26/12/2023 11:05

Imagines pissed off adult auntie in a paw patrol jumper…

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:06

Buttercup176 · 26/12/2023 11:05

Imagines pissed off adult auntie in a paw patrol jumper…

Hahah

OP posts:
BeadedBubbles · 26/12/2023 11:08

Of course I graciously repeated over and over again how lovely it was and I would never say anything but I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it deep down.

I wouldn't have done this - you're just making them think you really appreciate that sort of thing so it's likely to happen again. A simple thank you and smile would be polite without over-egging it.

Personally I think matching outfits are naff whoever wears them.

Tessisme · 26/12/2023 11:10

It would irritate me, but not enough to say anything. Does your DD like her jumper?

Sugarfree23 · 26/12/2023 11:10

I bet Auntie is also thinking why the f do i want to be dressed like a 3 yo.

crumblenut · 26/12/2023 11:11

oh it’s a bit of silly fun Op

don’t make a drama about this

although i suspect if it’s not this then it will be something else you get in a mood or offended about

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:12

Tessisme · 26/12/2023 11:10

It would irritate me, but not enough to say anything. Does your DD like her jumper?

Yeah I think she does. She got so many presents though, I don't think individual gifts have registered.

There is no way I could say anything without sounding like a bitter, horrible, jealous person.

So I wouldn't. I just wondered if anyone else out there can understand my feelings really.

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/12/2023 11:14

She's creating a little unit of her, her DGD her own DD as the three 'blood' generations. My MiL does this sometimes with photographs. But she's a good woman who naturally loves her DD and my DD more than she does me, so I don't let it bother me.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/12/2023 11:14

It is a bit weird but you don’t ever have to dress her in them at the same time. I actually have a couple of matching outfits to my niece, bought for both of us because I liked the patterns. I never wear them when I see her though as I’m aware my SIL might not like it! So long as they’re not wearing it at the same time I honestly don’t think it matters.

notthatthis · 26/12/2023 11:14

She loves your daughter as much as she loves hers. Or at least near enough by the looks of things. Why would this upset you?

stealthninjamum · 26/12/2023 11:15

It’s a bit weird. Other than this do you get on ok? Maybe I’m suspicious because of all the mil threads here but do you think it could be a way of pushing you out or making you feel like an outsider? If your mil is harmless then I’d just ignore it.

angsanana · 26/12/2023 11:16

Not unreasonable. Your MiL wants all "her" girls to be matchy and... that's SIL and DD. I'd be a bit put out she didn't buy a matching jumper for me TBH.
Just don't say anything next time - leave it at an "oh how nice". Try not to let it bother you

Sceptre86 · 26/12/2023 11:16

It's just a bit of fun to reinforce their connection. My sister got matching bestie tshirts for her and my dd1. They are 'besties', my dd1 loves her lots, sister us a wonderful aunt to her. I don't tend to wear the same clothes to my own kids but will do the same color, similar design so in the kids eyes we are matching. It doesn't do any harm, you are still her mum and noone is going to take that away from you.

My inlaws do go on about their own family traditions and it used to annoy me too but then I realised that a mix of traditions is not a bad thing and that by going on about them mil was just reminiscing about when her kids were little.

zigzag716746zigzag · 26/12/2023 11:16

It’s a bit weird TBH. How old is aunt? You say adult, but 18 or 38 there is a big difference. I still can’t think of a scenario where the adult aunt would want to be dressed like her 3 year old niece though.

Was it just the two of them or was it a whole “matching family jumpers” thing like those awful “mini me” outfits.

mumsytoon · 26/12/2023 11:17

Yanbu. If they were kids then I would think this is ok. But she's a grown woman, that's really odd and disrespectful tbh. It would piss me off. Seems like they want to exclude you. Only you would know the dynamics if this would be true.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:22

zigzag716746zigzag · 26/12/2023 11:16

It’s a bit weird TBH. How old is aunt? You say adult, but 18 or 38 there is a big difference. I still can’t think of a scenario where the adult aunt would want to be dressed like her 3 year old niece though.

Was it just the two of them or was it a whole “matching family jumpers” thing like those awful “mini me” outfits.

She's almost 30.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:24

angsanana · 26/12/2023 11:16

Not unreasonable. Your MiL wants all "her" girls to be matchy and... that's SIL and DD. I'd be a bit put out she didn't buy a matching jumper for me TBH.
Just don't say anything next time - leave it at an "oh how nice". Try not to let it bother you

Yeah it always feels like that to me. I feel left out a lot..

OP posts:
Belltentdreamer · 26/12/2023 11:26

Awww she’s only trying to show her love and care in her own way.

SmallPaperBoat · 26/12/2023 11:30

I noticed my MIL struggling a bit once the grandkids came along with the fact she only had sons - this isn't the case with your MIL of course, but perhaps it's a similar thing given her daughter doesn't have kids yet.

I think my MIL struggled to work out how to build a relationship with me and her granddaughter given the link was through her son not through her own daughter. Maybe your MIL has a touch of this.

A PP said her MIL tried to do this through photos that excluded the mother as the non-blood relative. Mine did this. Over time it got upsetting and I got my DH to intervene and ensure we were all on the photos.

Does your MIL have time with just you & your DD? Without your DH there? Perhaps this is about bolstering her links with you and your DD? That way she might drop the jumpers-with-auntie-link.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:41

SmallPaperBoat · 26/12/2023 11:30

I noticed my MIL struggling a bit once the grandkids came along with the fact she only had sons - this isn't the case with your MIL of course, but perhaps it's a similar thing given her daughter doesn't have kids yet.

I think my MIL struggled to work out how to build a relationship with me and her granddaughter given the link was through her son not through her own daughter. Maybe your MIL has a touch of this.

A PP said her MIL tried to do this through photos that excluded the mother as the non-blood relative. Mine did this. Over time it got upsetting and I got my DH to intervene and ensure we were all on the photos.

Does your MIL have time with just you & your DD? Without your DH there? Perhaps this is about bolstering her links with you and your DD? That way she might drop the jumpers-with-auntie-link.

We don't spend time together just us three.

MIL always rocks up with SIL too. Or if DD goes to their house, I'm not there.

Otherwise we spend time in bigger groups.

MIL pretty much spends the entire time we spend together reminiscing and getting DD to use auntie and DH stuff from when they were kids and mentioning it. Oh look it's auntie Abby's old train set. DD loves playing with all her auntie's old toys. Etc. look here's a photo of auntie Abby playing with it. She looks the same ! It happens pretty much constantly. It's fine to an extent but I don't feel included.

Also, it's always ' auntie Abby can teach DD to do this or that ' 'auntie Abby liked ballet, she can show her how '.

OP posts: