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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt and grandma buying matching outfits for DD

78 replies

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:01

My MIL bought my DD the same jumper as her adult DD has, so they can match...

She also got her an ornament for her bedroom to match the one her DD ( my DD's aunt ) has in her bedroom.

She didn't just do it and say it once, but kept repeating it all day and how sweet it was.

I know it sounds petty, but I don't even buy matching outfits for my DD and I. I just think something like that should be reserved for mum and daughter ? Am I just a miserable cow ?

Of course I graciously repeated over and over again how lovely it was and I would never say anything but I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it deep down.

MIL and family often force their ways and traditions on us. Whereas my family don't do that at all. I feel like whenever we get together it's always about them and when the auntie was small and she did this and that, like DD. I just feel alienated by it as I guess I'm around them a lot and if I ever talk about my side of the family and what we did etc, they just kinda ignore and can't be bothered.

I know I'll be told I'm a miserable cow.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 26/12/2023 11:49

Just never put your dd in the matching outfit when she is due to visit them. I would always say ‘oh she had it on the other day and spilt juice down it - it’s in the wash’. It will drive them potty!

Sugarfree23 · 26/12/2023 11:52

FlamingoQueen · 26/12/2023 11:49

Just never put your dd in the matching outfit when she is due to visit them. I would always say ‘oh she had it on the other day and spilt juice down it - it’s in the wash’. It will drive them potty!

Do you think Auntie would ever want to be seen in the same jumper?

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:54

@Sugarfree23 so the jumper is an adult jumper auntie already owns and has decided to buy the same for DD. She just bought it in mini size and it was her and MIL decision to buy it by or DD. So yeah, I think SIL would proudly wear it.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 26/12/2023 11:59

This wouldn’t bother me at all tbh

I’d think it’s cute and they’re trying to invlude your DD

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2023 12:01

It's a bit weird but in a charming mad family/funny story way. I really wouldn't worry about it/be upset about it.

As for feeling left out, you're just not part of Mil's family in the way SIL or your DD are. You never will be. And that's fine. You have your own family. And maybe one day you'll have your own grandchildren and you'll love them and your DD more than you'll love your DD's partner, no matter how lovely they are. You'll probably also like reminiscing about when your DD was little.

Pineapplewaves · 26/12/2023 12:04

How old is your DD? Can she spill some juice/ice cream/chocolate down it - chuck it in the bottom of the laundry basket and make sure that by the time it's washed Christmas is over!

DD's jumper won't fit next year so MIL will have to buy new ones if she wants to continue this tradition. Adult DD will end up with a wardrobe full of worn once Christmas jumpers!

Could have been worse, MIL could have bought herself one too!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/12/2023 12:08

I think this must feel most odd to the adult auntie - having her mum buy her the same stuff as her three-year-old niece .

Pinkyhere · 26/12/2023 12:09

It sounds (weird and annoying) like they're both over compensating for auntie not having kids and mil reliving her own motherhood.
Of course its not nice to leave you out but you're likely to make it worse if you say anything.
My sil can not have kids. When all mine were born she claimed they all looked like her, rather than me. I smiled and agreed... she loves them dearly and they are her closest thing to children. They love her and also sometimes find it a bit much now that they're teenagers.

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 12:10

I think it's lovely. 🤷🏼‍♀️

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2023 12:10

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:05

She's an adult of course haha.

The way they kept repeating it, ' oh look, the same outfit as auntie so they can match '.

I know I'm being miserable.

Show quote history

You're not being miserable. It's a very weird thing to do. I've never known anyone to do this and find it cute.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 12:13

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2023 12:01

It's a bit weird but in a charming mad family/funny story way. I really wouldn't worry about it/be upset about it.

As for feeling left out, you're just not part of Mil's family in the way SIL or your DD are. You never will be. And that's fine. You have your own family. And maybe one day you'll have your own grandchildren and you'll love them and your DD more than you'll love your DD's partner, no matter how lovely they are. You'll probably also like reminiscing about when your DD was little.

I don't know.

I also have a sister in law ( my brother's wife ) and I also have a niece (my brother and sister in law's daughter ). My mum and I never do any of this kind of stuff. Literally never. We all spend time together but my mum never feels the need to compare me to my niece. We don't see ourselves as a unit of 3 ( my mum, niece and me ). My niece is my niece and she's my bro and sis in laws daughter and my mums grand daughter. We are all family but there's no special way in which we behave with her. I don't really get it. We never drone on and on about our childhoods and similarities to my sister in law. My mother has never told my sister in law that I'll be the one to teach my niece any of my skills or drone on about any activities I did as a child and compare them to my niece. My niece actually does look a bit like me and people say it sometimes, but we never mention it really. My sis in law herself mentions it sometimes, to which I always say that I think she looks more like her.

It's just not a thing and I love my niece. My sister in law ( my brothers wife ) gives me clothes to give to my DD from her cousin and we jointly encourage a good relationship between the cousins. Again it's not my mum who pushes this kind of stuff, it comes from my sister in law and I. We have a great relationship and no one feels the need to establish our traditions on their family or vice versa. They have their family and we have our family and my mum is the granny.

My MIL, SIL and DD shouldn't be some sort of special unit. I disagree with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 12:14

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/12/2023 12:08

I think this must feel most odd to the adult auntie - having her mum buy her the same stuff as her three-year-old niece .

They made it sound like auntie chose it but MIL bought it tbh. Sorry if that was unclear.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 12:20

What I'm trying to say is that I've never thought that me, my mum and my niece have some sort of special bond that excludes my sister in law.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 26/12/2023 12:56

Can’t say it would bother me

BeadedBubbles · 26/12/2023 12:58

My MIL, SIL and DD shouldn't be some sort of special unit. I disagree with that.

I think you're reading far too much into this.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 13:06

BeadedBubbles · 26/12/2023 12:58

My MIL, SIL and DD shouldn't be some sort of special unit. I disagree with that.

I think you're reading far too much into this.

I hadn't even considered this before, was just replying to @NuffSaidSam's post.

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 26/12/2023 13:07

Next year buy matching for you DD SIL all your friends and have a get together.

oh it’s a bit of silly fun

It really isn’t.

If children do this at school it’s classed as bullying - leaving someone out.

As adults it’s just cringe worthy.

Id bin the jumper. Or burn it. Job done.

MinnieGirl · 26/12/2023 13:13

It’s weird….. and it’s like she’s compensating for her daughter not having a child of her own….
I would say thank you for the jumper and leave it at that. As for the toys say yes we all had those toys back in those days… and leave it at that.

JanewaysBun · 26/12/2023 13:17

This would not bother me at all. My step FIL and DS have matching jumpers and I just think it's cute. Having a "special bond" with her aunt is a nice thing, in fact my Dsis gets her old toys for my DC to play with and it being anything other then sweet wouldn't cross my mind.

Ask your MIL if you want a jumper too next year. A child can never have too many people who love them. It's different to your family and you find it odd, which is fine as other people's families can seem odd if it's different to how you do it

Snorkmaidenn · 26/12/2023 13:33

I think your in laws are well meaning and have kind hearts. They are just different to your family. All families are different and it's something you will have to adjust to. It will make life easier for you to not get annoyed about little things.

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2023 13:42

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 13:06

I hadn't even considered this before, was just replying to @NuffSaidSam's post.

Show quote history

No-one is saying they're a special unit, just that MIL won't feel the same about you as she does about her daughter and granddaughter. She's not 'leaving you out', you just have a different relationship and that's normal. Your mum may show her affection differently, but I'd put money on her loving you and her granddaughters more than she loves her DIL. It's biology really.

So, MIL shows her feelings with matching jumpers and reminiscing about the past...it's hardly crime of the century is it?!

Your mum and family dynamics are different. Brilliant. It's not a case that your family does it the right way and MIL and her family are wrong. I'd try and chill out a bit because really a Grandma saying 'Oh Auntie Abbie can show you how to do ballet' because Auntie Abbie does ballet is something that wouldn't even register with the vast majority of people. It's just something people say. Unless you're going to drip feed that you're a professional ballerina it's really not a problem.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 13:49

@NuffSaidSam I'm not a professional ballerina BUT in this example ( it's not ballet, I made that up for here ), it's actually something I'm really good at and MIL knows this but won't acknowledge that I can show DD how to do it.
She never acknowledges anything that I can pass onto my DD. I speak a different language for example that in laws don't speak and they don't really like it / make fun when I speak it to DD sometimes. ( I don't do it a lot in front of them
). They always want to push their language. I speak both their language and another one they don't speak. I'm happy for them to speak to DD in our common language, but I try to teach DD the one they're not familiar with.

It's just everything though. Everything is from them and never anything to do with me. No similarities are acknowledged. It's like I'm not there and I don't matter. In fact, I feel like an inconvenience and it would probably be easier if I disappeared and they could raise my kids as their own kids.

OP posts:
Snorkmaidenn · 26/12/2023 14:40

I'm assuming you don't live with your in laws. Can you restrict speaking in languages they don't understand to when they are not present? It can come across as a bit rude.

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 14:44

Snorkmaidenn · 26/12/2023 14:40

I'm assuming you don't live with your in laws. Can you restrict speaking in languages they don't understand to when they are not present? It can come across as a bit rude.

I literally only do the occasional word. So no, it's lot rude. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 26/12/2023 14:47

Do you think MIL is trying to 'push' your DD onto SIL in the hope of making her broody?