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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt and grandma buying matching outfits for DD

78 replies

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:01

My MIL bought my DD the same jumper as her adult DD has, so they can match...

She also got her an ornament for her bedroom to match the one her DD ( my DD's aunt ) has in her bedroom.

She didn't just do it and say it once, but kept repeating it all day and how sweet it was.

I know it sounds petty, but I don't even buy matching outfits for my DD and I. I just think something like that should be reserved for mum and daughter ? Am I just a miserable cow ?

Of course I graciously repeated over and over again how lovely it was and I would never say anything but I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it deep down.

MIL and family often force their ways and traditions on us. Whereas my family don't do that at all. I feel like whenever we get together it's always about them and when the auntie was small and she did this and that, like DD. I just feel alienated by it as I guess I'm around them a lot and if I ever talk about my side of the family and what we did etc, they just kinda ignore and can't be bothered.

I know I'll be told I'm a miserable cow.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 14:50

RobertaFirmino · 26/12/2023 14:47

Do you think MIL is trying to 'push' your DD onto SIL in the hope of making her broody?

No not at all.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 26/12/2023 15:17

The thing is, your daughter will always love you the most and he bonded to you more than to mil or sil, so you don't need yo be worried or annoyed by this.

On the face of it, it's just a jumper, a cute bonding thing, but it does seem as if they do it to purposefully exclude you and lay claim to your child as if she's more theirs than yours, which is weird and rude.

But ultimately your dd will always be yours, whatever they say or do, so I'd just roll my eyes and ignore them and speak my own language to dd as much as I wanted, irrespective of their opinion.

zigzag716746zigzag · 26/12/2023 16:02

The more you say the worse they sound TBH. With the language thing, surely the more pleasant response from them would be to learn at least the basics of your other language, not to complain about you using it with DD.

CherriesInChocolate · 26/12/2023 16:25

Is SIL likely to have children? I’d be worried that if/when she does your daughter will be dumped

festivepains · 26/12/2023 16:27

I would say "oh yeah, weird. Anyone want a cup of tea?"

JSMill · 26/12/2023 16:28

Buttercup176 · 26/12/2023 11:05

Imagines pissed off adult auntie in a paw patrol jumper…

🤣

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 26/12/2023 16:37

@kitchenner there's no of course about it. My DD became an auntie at 9.

GettingStuffed · 26/12/2023 16:45

As an aside my DDiL put a photo of DGD2 in a jumper on Facebook and totally by coincidence I was wearing one almost identical.

I know this isn't really an answer to this but it's quite a cute story. Aunts and nieces don't trump gran & granddaughter.

Why didn't MiL buy herself one too ?

Original poster
kitchenner · 26/12/2023 16:48

GettingStuffed · 26/12/2023 16:45

As an aside my DDiL put a photo of DGD2 in a jumper on Facebook and totally by coincidence I was wearing one almost identical.

I know this isn't really an answer to this but it's quite a cute story. Aunts and nieces don't trump gran & granddaughter.

Why didn't MiL buy herself one too ?

She spends a lot of time reinforcing the aunt and uncle relationships. Not even really DH or mine.

Usually compares the children to aunts and uncles, rather than their actual dad. Haha.

Even my H gets annoyed about it.

I would never ever say anything. It's so embarrassing that I even notice.

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 26/12/2023 19:24

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 12:10

I think it's lovely. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agreed. I find all the people finding it odd, well, odd.

festivetinseling · 26/12/2023 22:51

Seems to me that MIL is desperate for her DD to produce her own baby. Because that hasn't happened, she is using your DD as a substitute.
Hence the matchy-matchy clothes and all that other nonsense.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 23:11

Speaking as a former Childless auntie with a little niece I adore, I absolutely love that little girl so much and before I had my son she was my most favourite person on the planet. I spent a lot of time with her at my mums house when mum babysat, so perhaps my SIL didn't quite see how close we were. My mum could have done something like this after seeing our lovely bond and how much my niece looked up to me . If my SIL got jealous then it would be a shame. I'd love my son to have an auntie as amazing as I am (well was really when she was little as she doesn't get so much spoiling now I have my own child!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 23:11

FlamingoQueen · 26/12/2023 11:49

Just never put your dd in the matching outfit when she is due to visit them. I would always say ‘oh she had it on the other day and spilt juice down it - it’s in the wash’. It will drive them potty!

That's mean - why ruin their lovely bond? Out of jealousy?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 23:13

Pinkyhere · 26/12/2023 12:09

It sounds (weird and annoying) like they're both over compensating for auntie not having kids and mil reliving her own motherhood.
Of course its not nice to leave you out but you're likely to make it worse if you say anything.
My sil can not have kids. When all mine were born she claimed they all looked like her, rather than me. I smiled and agreed... she loves them dearly and they are her closest thing to children. They love her and also sometimes find it a bit much now that they're teenagers.

You're much kinder and more empathetic than others here

Letsbe · 27/12/2023 08:41

I think it shows auntie adores your daughter which is rather lovely. You must have a lovely daughter.

DontPutTheKidsThroughIt · 27/12/2023 09:03

Stick the jumper in the nursery emergency change of clothes bag and you provide won’t have to think about it more than two or three times before she grows out of it.
When they’ve gone home organize yourself a lovely activity for just you and your daughter and speak just your language to her all day.

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 09:09

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 12:13

I don't know.

I also have a sister in law ( my brother's wife ) and I also have a niece (my brother and sister in law's daughter ). My mum and I never do any of this kind of stuff. Literally never. We all spend time together but my mum never feels the need to compare me to my niece. We don't see ourselves as a unit of 3 ( my mum, niece and me ). My niece is my niece and she's my bro and sis in laws daughter and my mums grand daughter. We are all family but there's no special way in which we behave with her. I don't really get it. We never drone on and on about our childhoods and similarities to my sister in law. My mother has never told my sister in law that I'll be the one to teach my niece any of my skills or drone on about any activities I did as a child and compare them to my niece. My niece actually does look a bit like me and people say it sometimes, but we never mention it really. My sis in law herself mentions it sometimes, to which I always say that I think she looks more like her.

It's just not a thing and I love my niece. My sister in law ( my brothers wife ) gives me clothes to give to my DD from her cousin and we jointly encourage a good relationship between the cousins. Again it's not my mum who pushes this kind of stuff, it comes from my sister in law and I. We have a great relationship and no one feels the need to establish our traditions on their family or vice versa. They have their family and we have our family and my mum is the granny.

My MIL, SIL and DD shouldn't be some sort of special unit. I disagree with that.

Show quote history

I have something so similar so totally understand! Almost the same although your version does sound a bit more extreme. My sister in law also doesn’t have kids so they like to take my son as “theirs” a little bit. I do just put up with it because I want my son to have a relationship with them and, if she ever does have kids, with their cousins too. It doesn’t interfere with the bond I have with my son. My family are much more laid back than my in laws so sometimes it feels like their “ways” get pushed onto us a lot more which feels a bit rubbish sometimes. My mother in law also tells her adult children what to do (eg. Organises present buying for each other and the like) whereas me and my brother have our own relationship without my mother interfering.

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 09:12

I think it's adorable. Personally this wouldn't upset me. You're the mom. This doesn't diminish that. It sounds like his family is just more sentimental than yours.

wouldthatbeworse · 27/12/2023 09:19

I expect once your SIL has her own kids (if she does) your DD will sadly be largely forgotten by MiL. The problem may not last

Reindeerlighthouse · 27/12/2023 09:23

I’ve had similar with my in laws, could’ve written almost all this post (SIL and MIL wanting my DD to have matching outfits, MIL CONSTANTLY wanting DD to play with DH’s and SIL’s old toys and saying how much she looks like them etc) irritates the shit out of me, but tbh it’s just stuff in a long line of things that they do, it’s definitely illustrative of wider problems.

So no, YANBU. It’s only women that seem to pull this type of crap too, why?!

Gassylady · 27/12/2023 09:25

I’m another one that thinks it’s gone beyond cute into actively trying to exclude/erase you. My MIL was most miffed when my middle one smiled and showed big dimples just like mine. Up until then she was forever commenting on the “family” resemblance like she had with the others. My husband disagreed with her but she wouldn’t stop saying it. Even though we’ve been married for 25years she doesn’t consider me family in the same way as her kids and grandkids and that’s fine.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2023 09:29

kitchenner · 26/12/2023 11:06

Hahah

Show quote history

You could have fun with that, get them both matching Peppa pig jumpers and insist on lots of photos and aww how cute it is they're dressed the same.

On a more serious note, it does seem a bit strange. I could see that behaviour being very uncomfortable for you and as she gets older for DD too. MIL could be trying to exclude you but she could also be trying to help her DD be included but just going way over the top. Does she have any problems with social anxiety or really want kids or have no friends? MIL could be well intentioned, sometimes people go over the top trying to fix things for their kids.

LittleMonks11 · 27/12/2023 09:34

Your update about the languages speaks volumes. I would say that MIL is purposefully trying to exclude you from the unit of herself, SIL and DD. Jumpergate now just sounds like another passive micro aggression. You are right to be pissed off. But I don't know you can do about it except tell DH about your feelings, grin and bear it. You know what you're dealing with. She maybe wants to cause an upset between you and DH. Don't let her.

redteapot · 27/12/2023 10:26

I have a very similar MIL - she bought matching items for her and my two daughters. It's a very strange thing because from the outside there's nothing wrong with it, but it did feel weird to me and it clearly does to you as well.
I am often excluded from photos as well, or if I am in them, these aren't the ones that go in a frame / on Facebook, etc. It used to bother me, but I now just laugh.
As her own two children grew up, I think she lost her identity, so she sees other children (children of cousins, her friends' grandchildren, any children really!) as a way to hold on to that a bit.
So now I let her get on with it, roll my eyes when it's a bit odd, and if her 'photoshoots' have been going on a bit too long then I ask if she'll take one of me, my DH and the girls too 😄

Original poster
kitchenner · 27/12/2023 10:35

I think there's a lot at play here really. But again, I want to stress, it will not be something I would ever address or complain about. It's just the way it is. I'm just venting on here.

But in laws are definitely more sentimental than my family. My family laugh and joke around more and are more laid back. In laws are very traditional and stuck in their ways, big time.

Also, my family is older in the sense that I have older siblings and my family are more used to the children having their own lives. In law family, my DH is the oldest and they still sort of struggle to let go of their young family. They very much still see themselves at the centre of everything. Their way is the best way and they're pretty inflexible about everything. It's all about them being at the centre of it all and pulling all the strings as to how everyone behaves. DH younger siblings totally toe the line, but I guess we don't as much as we do our own thing more.

MIL is the total matriarch and likes to control everything. She's not a bad person, but she's just so used to being in charge / being the mum and also it's her personality - she's a leader. Sometimes it just irritates me as I can see that she tries to influence everyone and everything to go along with what she thinks is the right way. So maybe that's why stuff annoys me more- I feel like she's constantly pushing the narrative with the grandkids because she wants to be in control of that too.

Anyway the jumper isn't a big deal. I just have a visceral reaction to this stuff now. It's been shoved down my throat for a few years now, I just can't help it but I feel uncomfortable and left out a lot. These are my feelings and it is what it is. I can't really help how I feel but I can help how I behave.

I don't think they particularly like or care for me. We've had several run ins through the years, that have very much made that clear to me unfortunately. So I guess that doesn't help.

OP posts:
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