To stay home tomorrow and not visit in laws

[Whenthebirdssing]

Plan tomorrow is very early start. Travelling for five hour to in-laws with DH and DC. I no longer want to go because…

1. I’m getting my period and I’ve got gynaecology and digestive issues that mean I’ll have severe cramps, feel sick and faint, have loose stools and feel miserable and paranoid. IM peri meno.
2. after a lovely day I just got home from dropping family home and DH had a go at me and I don’t want to be in his company. It’s stressful.
3. I’m exhausted and could really use the two days to be by myself.

But DC will be gutted. Guilt is overwhelming. In-laws will expect me to present as fine. There will be no nurturing. I could be cheeky and ask to have a bath (would be so good for me’ but I know I’ll be judged as a princess and demanding.

would it BU to stay home alone (bloody bliss!)

“ays.
In laws are nice but very much the ‘soldier on brigade’ so if I said how I was feeling they would listen but (unlike me) there would be no offer of empathy or ideas to make it better. I’d offer a bath and hot water bottle etc.”

you need your in-laws to offer a bath? That’s a bit precious. Just say you want to take a bath in the evening and take a hot water bottle. My DC (same age as your youngest) would be devastated if I stayed home. Some things you have to suck up for the kids.

I mean you've decided to make it hard on yourself already but no way would I go.

Your 9 year old isn't a baby and can understand other people have needs and feelings "mummy isn't well and needs to rest."

Your DH isn't a total deadbeat and can parent a 9 and 13 year old.

Why don't you /can't you stay home?
Your 9 year old isn't going to remember this and resent you "for-ever!"

also please harass your GP and get referred re gynae issues it sounds miserable and you have my sympathy on that 💐

13 and 9, not toddlers. Does a 13 year old take much ”parenting” on Boxing Day?
Absolutely don’t go, you aren’t up to it.
I’m amazed people still think you should tbh!

It’s hard to explain but it’s not a ‘just take a bath’ kind of house. Meals, snacks and hot drinks are timed. We all drink, eat and snack together. They have an amazing coffee maker but only for the 10 o’clock coffee. They do not have baths - ever - because it’s too much hot water (no financial difficulties - very wealthy) and indulgent. If I just took a bath it would be judged. Nothing would be said but it would be there. So it wouldn’t be relaxing just taking one. Also, I think just taking a bath when you are a guest in someone’s house is somewhat rude. Asking would be ok but I don’t feel I can. I would in ANYONE else house. They are nice but judgemental of others (including their adult kids and grandkids) and they tell their friends every little detail if everyone’s life - bragging if it’s good, pitying if it’s not, giving their views on how that person could be better (not to their face - you feel it and try and guess).

So I would be the poor DIL that has x problem and took a bath for ages but really should [insert some behaviour here that they do and think would help me to just get on with things].

Sorry. That turned into a vent!!

1 is reason enough not to go.

Thanks. I know. I should not go but his little face when I tell him and his little shoulders slumping will break my heart. He’s had a tough time.

Waiting for scans! Thank you.

It’s more the emotional support for them to be honest. It can be a tense place. Lots of fun but the rules are strict and the kids feel it so they all act out in their own ways. A few cousins will be there. Ours are the oldest. Our youngest gets annoyed - he’s great with them for a while but then can get frustrated- I’m much better at noticing and de-escalating. DH notices and deals with once there are big arguments. So it’s better for DC if I’m there.

Thank you 🙏

Ive decided I’d rather cope with it than have the guilt. Lesser of two crappy evils!

I understand the inlaws judge but so what?

Same with a 9 and 13 year old.

You really don't have to managed everyone else's feelings.

You're not a machine.

On a more general note, stop staying with them in future. Stay nearby & pop in for short visits over a couple of days.

Sounds dreadful. Better in small doses.

OK if you feel you have to, look after yourself as well as you can. Do have a sodding bath and they can judge away. You're there for your DC and so nothing they say or think really matters. What matters is you and your kids.

And remember that your DH is in the FOG. He can't see it and has been trained to accept it.

Why is your husband having a go at you? If there is an 'atmosphere', won't it be stressful for the children if you go?

If you do decide to go (I would not...), make it absolutely clear that you are unwell and need a bath. Don't martyr yourself - stay on the sofa with your hot water bottle, nursing as many cups of tea as you need.

A bloke wouldn't

Dont see why he can’t go on his own with the kids? I actually think it’s good for the “overbearing / manage all the relationships” mummy NOT to be there occasionally. I was away seeing friends when my family visited recently and one Dd and my mother had a lovely bonding time. It was actually good I wasn’t there it forced them to interact with each other properly. They are not toddlers. Definitely don’t go.

Sounds like 'DH' needs the bloody practice! However I agree that dealing with the thing rather than the guilt of missing it is probably easier and why a lot of people suck up all sorts of shit, particularly at this time of year!

Please don't 'soldier on' op as some are suggesting. Contrary to what some may think, Christmas isn't about soldiering on and pleasing others. It's about doing what makes you happy, resting and if you need time alone to recharge that's fine. You can see his parents another time. I don't understand the big deal and why we are obsessed with cramming all family visits into a week long period. Stay home, rest up and enjoy some you time.

You either stay home and dp takes the kids or you all go. All of you staying home because you're not well isn't, IMHO, an option.

@LoveFridayNights "My 10 and 9 year old would be very upset if I backed out of 2 Christmas days and wasn't with them at short notice. How old are they?"

Really? Surely they would understand about having a upset stomach?

I totally agree. Too much pressure to see everyone. At time when everyone is unwell and you are stuck indoors. Once kids have grown and don’t want to come home, I’m going away for Xmas. ON MY OWN. 😂

mine would and they’d be fab but the younger one would be so sad.

So? He’s 9 will be with his dad and grandparents for two days he’s hardly being sent down the mines.

Honestly I think some mothers over prioritise these kids. You matter too. They’re not babies any more.

I'd either contact the in-laws and say how unwell you're feeling and will need to take a bath/rest when needed. No need to go into the ins and outs. Just 'Oh, I've got a few health issues right now', or I just wouldn't go!

Explain to your 9 year old that you're really sad to not be going but you feel really, really poorly but they'll have loads of fun with daddy, grandparents, cousins etc and you'll do something fun together when you're feeling better.

You sound as if you need a couple of quiet days on the sofa. You need to think of yourself too!

I wouldn't go but I wouldn't of arranged a 5 hour drive boxing day.

I'd go for dc but at least book a hotel next year? Or let them come to you.

I told my husband that I wouldn’t be visiting his horrid parents this year between Christmas & New Year and it was liberating. He’s leaving tomorrow for 3 nights.

Just say you feel really poorly and need to stay at home and he should take the children so they don’t miss out on seeing their grandparents. Then enjoy the peace I know I will.

@CurlewKate the kids would understand if I was really ill but if I didn't spend 2 days at Christmas with them, that we've all looked forward to, they'd be understandably upset. If a man was opting out of 2 out of 3 days of Christmas I'm sure we'd all think badly of him.

I work full time so time off together is much looked forward to so maybe that's part of it as it's the time of year we are all together.

When my husband takes them to his family every summer for 2 nights the youngest misses me.

I have pcos, endometriosis and am peri menopausal so I get suffering on a monthly basis and totally think people should have consideration for women.

I'd say go, tell the pil as it is, get a bath and don't care about what they say or think! That's not your problem. To be honest, if they tell other people, who cares, it's a natural part of being human.