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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay home tomorrow and not visit in laws

80 replies

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 23:28

Plan tomorrow is very early start. Travelling for five hour to in-laws with DH and DC. I no longer want to go because…

  1. I’m getting my period and I’ve got gynaecology and digestive issues that mean I’ll have severe cramps, feel sick and faint, have loose stools and feel miserable and paranoid. IM peri meno.
  2. after a lovely day I just got home from dropping family home and DH had a go at me and I don’t want to be in his company. It’s stressful.
  3. I’m exhausted and could really use the two days to be by myself.
But DC will be gutted. Guilt is overwhelming. In-laws will expect me to present as fine. There will be no nurturing. I could be cheeky and ask to have a bath (would be so good for me’ but I know I’ll be judged as a princess and demanding.

would it BU to stay home alone (bloody bliss!)

OP posts:
NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 26/12/2023 00:14

She’s not well ffs not taking a day off to catch up on love island…

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 26/12/2023 00:15

Omg did you not read the first post - she’s NOT WELL - she’s not skiving off because she cba - unlike you who can’t he arsed to actually read a post properly…

Namenamchange · 26/12/2023 00:17

i think it’s unreasonable to stop dh taking the dc. It’s fine for you not to go, but don’t stop the dc.

LoveFridayNights · 26/12/2023 00:20

The kids are the main issue here. My 10 and 9 year old would be very upset if I backed out of 2 Christmas days and wasn't with them at short notice. How old are they?

My DH takes them to family once a year for 2 nights without me and we have to make sure they know in advance it's coming up.

raspberrybeeret · 26/12/2023 00:23

For the people saying the OP is sick, it does sort of depend how sick. If you had flu (contagious) with raging temperature and were going to be bed bound clearly you can't go. What I mean is my sickness threshold would be pretty high to last minute ditch Boxing Day plans. I would expect the same of my partner too as them making an effort with my family would be important to me.

Theoldwoman · 26/12/2023 00:26

I don’t understand why you think you would be being a Princess and demanding if you have a bath?

Gosh, any visitors to my house wouldn’t have to even ask. Just run a bath, if you want one.

maddening · 26/12/2023 00:32

saraclara · 26/12/2023 00:05

If a woman had posted that, after they had spent Christmas with his family, her DH was refusing to go to her parents the next day, he would get slated on here. And if he said he wasn't feeling great he'd be accused of either man flu or making it up.

No, I think they would tell her to suck it up as he is ill and she is more than capable of taking the dc by herself.

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 26/12/2023 00:34

Yet another thread where women and girls are told they must bend over backwards to please everyone else 24/7 and never ever have any needs of their own, otherwise they're horrid spoilt entitled princesses.

While we have zillions of threads about husbands and boyfriends who do exactly what they want 24/7 without a thought for anyone else, and it's barely met with more than an eyeroll. A woman can't even be ill without being lectured by other MNers that she's a spoilt princess for not bending over backwards to serve people who treat her badly.

OP is very unwell, dealing not only with a manchild but with in-laws who treat her like crap. Who gives a fuck if she misses one day, it's just one day, it's completely unimportant, and her in-laws don't seem to even like her. The world is not going to end because an unwell woman spent one day in bed and a man was forced to parent his own children for 5 minutes.

Seriously, the woman (presumably it is women) posting this shit: does staring in the mirror chanting "Women who want rights are horrid princesses, women who want rights are horrid princesses" actually make you feel better about being total doormats?

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:36

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/12/2023 23:58

Your family today, DH's tomorrow. Its a pretty standard deal and you are sounding like a demanding princess. You are being unreasonable.

If the OP was struggling with cramps, nausea, faintness and diarrhoea caused by any other health condition, absolutely nobody would be telling her she should go for a five-hour car journey and a two-day stay at someone else’s house, just because her husband doesn’t want to ‘do all the parenting’ for 48 hours. The fact that people think she should suck it up, just because the cause of her illness happens to be her period, speaks volumes about society’s attitude to women’s health. It’s so misogynistic.

Askmeanything1 · 26/12/2023 00:38

I think you're not well enough and he should take them alone if he wants to go.

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 26/12/2023 00:40

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:36

If the OP was struggling with cramps, nausea, faintness and diarrhoea caused by any other health condition, absolutely nobody would be telling her she should go for a five-hour car journey and a two-day stay at someone else’s house, just because her husband doesn’t want to ‘do all the parenting’ for 48 hours. The fact that people think she should suck it up, just because the cause of her illness happens to be her period, speaks volumes about society’s attitude to women’s health. It’s so misogynistic.

Show quote history

This in a nutshell.

If OP had food poisoning no one would be calling her a princess.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 26/12/2023 00:51

Christmas is a time for tradition. Start your own tradition of not travelling to visit people who won't even be pleased to see you.

hazeleyednerd · 26/12/2023 00:53

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 23:30

That’s what I’m wondering but it’s two nights and leaves DH with all the parenting.

Show quote history

And?

I bet he's left you with all the parenting for more than a couple of nights. And he will have his parents to help.

Throwawayme · 26/12/2023 00:57

I used to suffer from periods like you describe and they were so awful. I felt terrible. No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Send your dh with the kids and feel better soon

BungleandGeorge · 26/12/2023 01:03

What do you usually do when you have a period? Do you take time off work? Do you have medication to take? If you’re incapacitated every month and have to stay at home in bed he’ll surely understand, if you usually carry on as normal probably less so. It is quite bad to pull out so last minute when you got the chance to see your family today. Wether it’s ok really depends on how unwell you are

FreshStart90 · 26/12/2023 01:05

Another one here who thinks we diminish women’s issues way too much, if a man was ill he simply wouldn’t do the 5 hour drive.

Peri menopause is by the sounds of it, horrific for some women, so it’s about time we took things like this seriously instead of constantly soldiering on.

Perhaps you can both reschedule for new years, for a couple or nights if you think the cramps etc will be better by then?

It’s important to be really polite and respectful to the in laws too though - and explain to them over the phone what’s going on if you aren’t coming (otherwise, might they think it’s an excuse and you don’t want to spend time with them?)

Original poster
Whenthebirdssing · 26/12/2023 02:57

Thanks all.

I fell asleep but have just woken up with horrible stomach pain.

Some answers;

One DC is 9 the other 13. It’s them, particularly the 9 year old that would be gutted if I I don’t go.
I was never thinking of cancelling all together, just me not going.
DH is fine with parenting and we have a 50/50 split.
I do occasionally have time off work with this but work part time and have been lucky that it often doesn’t coincide with work days.
In laws are nice but very much the ‘soldier on brigade’ so if I said how I was feeling they would listen but (unlike me) there would be no offer of empathy or ideas to make it better. I’d offer a bath and hot water bottle etc.

They rarely judge you to your face but are always judging others behind their back and not having enough fortitude is one dimension they judge on. I also don’t really want them to know about my health issues, it will be talked about with anyone who will listen.

I don’t think I can do it to DC. Im
going to have to grin and bear it.

Thanks all. The split views help. It validates my dilemma.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 26/12/2023 03:04

Stay home if possible. If not, load up on the best drugs and show up, sit, nod, and smile and nothing else.

Before menopause I had the worst periods, flooding like a massacre and cramps like labor pains so I missed out on some things but these years later, it didn't matter I didn't go to something. People forgot and moved on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2023 03:09

DH had a go at me and I don’t want to be in his company.

Is this normal for him, fair or mean?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 26/12/2023 03:21

You really, really should stay at home & let DH go with the DC. Considering how you're feeling, you need to just curl up in bed (with a loo nearby). You don't have to take one for the team just because your 9yo will be upset - they'd probably be more upset seeing you in pain, or having to go to the loo every five minutes.
Someone on here suggested buscopan as a thing that helps with IBS/cramps/diarrhoea - I can confirm it helps a lot! It's OTC, and won't cause side effects in my experience.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 26/12/2023 03:39

I think you should make the effort to go OP. It’s different to if you were contagious with something but you aren’t. Load up on the Imodium and make sure you have access to things that help you feel comfortable. Depends on the situation with your ILs but I would probably just be upfront with my MIL - she is a woman too! Make sure you have lots of loo breaks on the journey. It will do you good not to wallow especially if this is going to be your experience for the foreseeable - sometimes the less we do the less we feel able to do.

SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 05:41

Stay home and rest OP.

What kind of man child can't parent alone for two days?

Brandyginger · 26/12/2023 05:47

until I saw your update I assumed that the DC were toddlers. Stay home.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 05:47

I'd say send DH and kids but maje sure you apologise to PIL, stressing that you aren't very well and that you wouldn't be great company today (you don't have to give them specifics). Take care.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 05:49

@TwoCoffeesPlease taking imodium for loose stools, and not actual diahorrea, isn't always a great idea and just leads to constipation.