Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My H just made me cry, am I being too sensitive ?

68 replies

redcarl · 25/12/2023 18:39

I don't want to drip feed but equally I do want to add context.

H is self employed and so is away a lot and very very busy with his work. Works from 7 am until 8 pm out of the house, at least 5 times a week and sometimes 6 times a week.

Anyway we have two kids and I have basically been on my own with them. Things are getting a bit better now ( I also work full time from home ).

Anyway, I really struggled with depression and loneliness, especially when they were babies.

I don't have family nearby or many friends as we moved.

So in any case today we were talking with relatives about the fact that more dads get paternity leave nowadays. I said I thought it was great and that I don't think caring for a baby or several babies on your own as a mum, most of the time is actually natural and probably has something to do with why many mums suffer from depression after having had a baby.

I said that I think it takes a village to raise a child and that back in the day, mums used to have sisters and cousins and aunts and mums and grandmas who would be around much more to help raise that baby and that it's a more modern concept that a mum is basically just home alone all the time with a baby and no support network.

He replied saying that depression is a first world problem and that you just have to get on with it and that if you need to go out to make a living then there's no time for a depressed mum and she just has to get on with it.

He also then started making it personal saying that I didn't want lots of visitors when I had a newborn.

He knows how much I struggle and have struggled but never acknowledges it and it's really upset me. I ended up walking off.

I then ended up not being able to stop crying and hid away from everyone for a bit.

He says he was just joking around but it didn't feel that way and it's really upset me.

Am I being sensitive here ? I know he may not agree with my point of view but he could have just said it's nice that there's more paternity leave nowadays.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/12/2023 18:41

He's been arse to cover up the fact her didn't support you in the way you needed.

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2023 18:42

He has expressed a pretty strong opinion and of course it feels personal: he knows you’ve been depressed and says tough, you have to get on? Oh well, there you go, then! He has been very unsympathetic, imo and owes you an apology.

Chocpot1986 · 25/12/2023 18:44

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. Not surprised you felt upset, I would too. Men don’t tend to have a clue though, they really don’t get it. We go through it all. When I had PND my husband was kind but he really didn’t understand, not fully. I get where you’re coming from totally as I was also left when my son was born, husband out of house early not back till night time xx

muchalover · 25/12/2023 18:44

Ah the cover that it was a joke and that you have no sense of humour.

Jokes are funny. Him leaving you to raise your children whilst working full time is a joke which isn't funny either.

Hatty65 · 25/12/2023 18:54

I said that I think it takes a village to raise a child and that back in the day, mums used to have sisters and cousins and aunts and mums and grandmas who would be around much more to help raise that baby and that it's a more modern concept that a mum is basically just home alone all the time with a baby and no support network.

He's an utter arse and I'm not defending him in any way at all, but I think your view on how much help women got is extremely rose tinted. Women were very much tied to the house, alone and raising children. In my generation (60s) and my DMs generation (80s) to my deceased DGM I didn't know anyone who had people around that helped with the baby. You never got a babysitter, or a night out! If you had female relatives around who weren't out working then they were busy - cooking/cleaning/raising their own DC. I gave birth in the late 80s/early 90s and it was very lonely. I think it's a very modern concept that you might need help with a baby .

I'm not suggesting you don't, btw. I'm just saying that it's only fairly recently that PND is acknowledged or discussed.

Sparklesocks · 25/12/2023 18:57

Sounds like he’s being defensive about not supporting you enough when your DC were young babies and using it to turn around on you.

Coconutter24 · 25/12/2023 19:00

You’ve both given different opinions on a situation, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and not everyone will always have the same one. The only thing I can tell from your OP where he is wrong is knowing that you struggle and not acknowledging that

0MammaBear0 · 25/12/2023 19:10

You both have valid points. You're right that it would be more natural for new moms to have a strong support network from relatives and a community, and this setting is missing for many women nowadays... But what can you do about it, can you change your situation? If the answer is no, as a mother you are responsible for the upbringing of your child, you can't allow yourself to be weak. Many barriers are more mental than physical, so you just need to adopt a more stoic attitude and get on with things. Your DH isn't supporting you with your DC because he's working 5-6 days a week, 13 hours a day. That's a lot, does he complain and allow himself to get depressed or does he just get on with it? In my opinion your DH has it very hard as well. Has your DH considered being employed and have paid days off and less working hours so that he can help you more?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 25/12/2023 19:13

I agree with your husband tbh. I've only noticed recently that women seem to find it so hard. When I had mine (I had 3 under 2 and a half at one point) I just got on with things and didn't expect help from others.

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 19:15

What as arse! So invalidating towards what you’ve gone through as well. I’d be completely broken if my DH said this to me.

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 19:17

0MammaBear0 · 25/12/2023 19:10

You both have valid points. You're right that it would be more natural for new moms to have a strong support network from relatives and a community, and this setting is missing for many women nowadays... But what can you do about it, can you change your situation? If the answer is no, as a mother you are responsible for the upbringing of your child, you can't allow yourself to be weak. Many barriers are more mental than physical, so you just need to adopt a more stoic attitude and get on with things. Your DH isn't supporting you with your DC because he's working 5-6 days a week, 13 hours a day. That's a lot, does he complain and allow himself to get depressed or does he just get on with it? In my opinion your DH has it very hard as well. Has your DH considered being employed and have paid days off and less working hours so that he can help you more?

“Allow himself to get depressed” I think you’ve solved it!! If people just didn’t allow themselves to get depressed then we’d have no depression I think you should let GPs and Psychiatrists know!… your ignorance towards depression is shocking!

ChristmasSteps295 · 25/12/2023 19:18

I'm on your side. I don't think you're being oversensitive at all.

Undineimmor · 25/12/2023 19:20

It's irrelevant really. Some People with depression cry a lot at times. You felt undermined, not listened to and as you f your feelings didn't matter.

Your DH was mansplaining depression. He might have been joking and he might well not understand it and not know what he did wrong.

It's a communication mismatch. The question is, if he generally supportive ir undermining?

AltheaVestr1t · 25/12/2023 19:24

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 25/12/2023 19:13

I agree with your husband tbh. I've only noticed recently that women seem to find it so hard. When I had mine (I had 3 under 2 and a half at one point) I just got on with things and didn't expect help from others.

Total bollocks, housewives were medicated up to the eyeballs in the 50s and 60s, people just didn't talk about it, because of the social stigma.

0MammaBear0 · 25/12/2023 19:24

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 19:17

“Allow himself to get depressed” I think you’ve solved it!! If people just didn’t allow themselves to get depressed then we’d have no depression I think you should let GPs and Psychiatrists know!… your ignorance towards depression is shocking!

Show quote history

Just so you know I HAVE been depressed as a child, and that made things much worse in terms of bullying and such. Do you know how it ended? When I chose to stop being depressed, to stop going "oh poor me, how unfair buah buah" and just got on with things. Stoicism is by far a greater medicine than any drugs or "therapy". How does it help her to focusing on how bad her situation seems to her when she's got a child who depends on her? Society would be much better if people just got on with things and stopped self-pitying themselves.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/12/2023 19:25

You highlighted your struggles, he didn't want to hear or acknowledge them so belittled you.
FFS. "I was only joking" is such a pathetic comeback when someone points out your prickish behaviour.

Express0 · 25/12/2023 19:25

0MammaBear0 · 25/12/2023 19:24

Just so you know I HAVE been depressed as a child, and that made things much worse in terms of bullying and such. Do you know how it ended? When I chose to stop being depressed, to stop going "oh poor me, how unfair buah buah" and just got on with things. Stoicism is by far a greater medicine than any drugs or "therapy". How does it help her to focusing on how bad her situation seems to her when she's got a child who depends on her? Society would be much better if people just got on with things and stopped self-pitying themselves.

Show quote history

Absolute bollocks.

ChristmasSteps295 · 25/12/2023 19:29

Express0 · 25/12/2023 19:25

Absolute bollocks.

Show quote history

Agreed.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2023 19:29

My mother brought home a 6 week old baby that she'd never met before, and my father then went straight back to work that afternoon - having left work to pick her up and for them both to go and meet me.
He then spent the next 20+ years leaving the house around 6am and returning home about 7pm.

i don't recall my dh having any paternity leave as our dd was 6 weeks early.

However both my mother and I had waited years to welcome our daughters into the family.

So no not every baby is brought up by a village, not in our case 60+ years ago and then 20+ years ago.

Gitfeatures · 25/12/2023 19:30

I imagine he took your view as a passive aggressive criticism of his lack of inolvement when your children were younger (rather than it being your true feelings on the matter) and responded in a tit-for-tat manner by critisicing you via his 'social commentary' on the matter.

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 19:31

0MammaBear0 · 25/12/2023 19:24

Just so you know I HAVE been depressed as a child, and that made things much worse in terms of bullying and such. Do you know how it ended? When I chose to stop being depressed, to stop going "oh poor me, how unfair buah buah" and just got on with things. Stoicism is by far a greater medicine than any drugs or "therapy". How does it help her to focusing on how bad her situation seems to her when she's got a child who depends on her? Society would be much better if people just got on with things and stopped self-pitying themselves.

Show quote history

Glad that worked for you. But doesn’t mean it works for everyone!

I have also been depressed, GAD and BPD. So like you I also have direct experience of mental illness. Your comment was insensitive and ignorant towards people who can’t just “allow themselves to not get depressed” there are many ways to overcome mental illnesses and your comment was incredibly invalidating to those currently going through a difficult time.

SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 19:44

Gitfeatures · 25/12/2023 19:30

I imagine he took your view as a passive aggressive criticism of his lack of inolvement when your children were younger (rather than it being your true feelings on the matter) and responded in a tit-for-tat manner by critisicing you via his 'social commentary' on the matter.

Agree. Working very long hours cannot be fun either. You both have valid points.

Original poster
redcarl · 25/12/2023 19:45

I wasn't really making it personal though. Was just saying in general that it's good to have more paternity leave nowadays.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 25/12/2023 19:47

He was horrible to you today

Cornflakes44 · 25/12/2023 20:01

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 25/12/2023 19:13

I agree with your husband tbh. I've only noticed recently that women seem to find it so hard. When I had mine (I had 3 under 2 and a half at one point) I just got on with things and didn't expect help from others.

Guess if you didn't find it hard then no-one's else has any right to. You know as we all have exactly the same experience and situation. I suppose women who find it hard are just lazy huh?

Swipe left for the next trending thread