My H just made me cry, am I being too sensitive ?

[redcarl]

I don't want to drip feed but equally I do want to add context.

H is self employed and so is away a lot and very very busy with his work. Works from 7 am until 8 pm out of the house, at least 5 times a week and sometimes 6 times a week.

Anyway we have two kids and I have basically been on my own with them. Things are getting a bit better now ( I also work full time from home ).

Anyway, I really struggled with depression and loneliness, especially when they were babies.

I don't have family nearby or many friends as we moved.

So in any case today we were talking with relatives about the fact that more dads get paternity leave nowadays. I said I thought it was great and that I don't think caring for a baby or several babies on your own as a mum, most of the time is actually natural and probably has something to do with why many mums suffer from depression after having had a baby.

I said that I think it takes a village to raise a child and that back in the day, mums used to have sisters and cousins and aunts and mums and grandmas who would be around much more to help raise that baby and that it's a more modern concept that a mum is basically just home alone all the time with a baby and no support network.

He replied saying that depression is a first world problem and that you just have to get on with it and that if you need to go out to make a living then there's no time for a depressed mum and she just has to get on with it.

He also then started making it personal saying that I didn't want lots of visitors when I had a newborn.

He knows how much I struggle and have struggled but never acknowledges it and it's really upset me. I ended up walking off.

I then ended up not being able to stop crying and hid away from everyone for a bit.

He says he was just joking around but it didn't feel that way and it's really upset me.

Am I being sensitive here ? I know he may not agree with my point of view but he could have just said it's nice that there's more paternity leave nowadays.

We also managed with public transport and no pushchair. No ferrying the pampered little darlings from doorstep to doorstep in the latest 4 wheel drive

Oh this is all.on him. Very ignorant, aggressive and hurtful comments by him. He sounds like a massive dick.

Lordy, such ignorance

You're not too sensitive. Give him the kids for a month while you work full time out of the house, coming home at the time he does and he'll be in tears himself!

These posters who just got on with it and didn't expect any help, did you work full time as well? Like the OP?
My MIL always criticised me for not getting all my housework done, ironing etc etc. I had a 2 year old and a baby and DH worked very long hours, including nights and weekend shifts. I went back to work when youngest was 1. Told me I didn't know how to organise my time. In the same breath she would tell me how she had 3 maids. One to do the housework, one to do the cooking and one to look after the baby. (Only child). She never worked after she got married.
No sense of irony at all.

I think it is partly a first world problem because until very recently women were not left alone with a newborn.

I'm sure in years gone by the new mum would be surrounded by females from her family who supported her and if she needed to just lie in bed for a week or two granny would take a shift, aunty would take a shift etc.

He's being an arse.

He said getting PND is a first world problem and if you had to fight for food, there would be no time for you to have PND.

Oh he's definitely being an arse. Yes if you have a failed harvest or are living under occupation then your problems are more immediate but that doesn't stop pnd being real and I am beyond angry at men minimising women's experiences.
And as for women who didn't suffer it and judge those who did/do, I have no words. You need to cop on to yourselves.
Some people trip up and break their leg. Some people trip up and get right back up unharmed.
The broken legs are still real.

Has he never read a Dickens novel!?

Dire situations involving a lack of personal resources and the horrendous lifelong/generational effects of that on the adults and their children (effects of many kinds, but we have a more developed understanding of psychology and all the vocabulary that goes with it now) involved abound. It could be very illuminating for him.

Also he shouldn't confuse survival with contentment / thriving.

In a 'got to get on with it or I won't eat' situation, survival takes over, sure. Though if things are very bad humans and animals alike can and do give up, their stories are not often recorded and he's not thinking of them.
But even if someone does manage to battle through and live to tell the tale, doesn't mean they aren't scarred by it, nor does it mean they were glad to carry the burden of those difficulties.

He’s a proper shitbag

This. Completely lacking in empathy.

“I was also making the point” … “i was arguing that” …

^was your role in this conversation really necessary ?

when people say something: you can choose to not comment, give a brief acknowledgement/smile etc or you can argue a point. In life you need to know when to use each reaction appropriately. I would say, based on the topic hitting home quite hard for you, you didn’t really need to tell everyone your opinion on Christmas Day like this. I’m not being horrible to you…it’s just that I know when it’s appropriate to comment on topics related to my personal struggles vs when it’s best to nod and change the topic. Not everything requires your input, and you do need to consider the optics eg people might draw parallels to your partner with what you are arguing, or how your partner may react/feel when they hear you.

This is weird but both my mum and dad had very different upbringing.
One London outskirts in town and one very rural north. And both always say their houses were full, parents shared looking after streets kids with others around work. Shouting out window “are you putting yours in today” and then all going round to share baths. Passing leftover pastry scraps across to next person baking etc.
That they both would go to/have friends over dispite all working.

I don't think it was inappropriate. We were in a separate conversation with a couple younger than us, who don't have kids yet. It was not a conversation which involved everyone. In fact I hoped that by voicing my support for all women in that situation, I may be doing something good to show that I'm a supportive human. Maybe the younger couple will remember that when they're struggling with similar issues one day. That was my intention. Of course now they just think we are dysfunctional.

Agreed

@redcarl perfectly normal to add personal experiences to a discussion amongst friends. If someone takes that as a personal criticism there's a reason (either the conversation was being used to get a dig in, or the criticism is fair and he knows it)
If he wasn't reacting out of feeling criticised, or if he meant what he said anyway, then he has revealed some opinions which illustrate a lack of understanding of human nature and lack of supportive attitude.
This becomes a rift as he doesn't get your problem.
If he's struggling along in his lane and thinks you should do the same, then you are living alongside one another but not sharing each others load as life partners.
Maybe a constructive conversation could be had to create more mutual understanding and discuss whether either of you needs better support (different kinds), if he's open to that conversation the situation could be improved with time if he can be moved to recognise your experiences as valid.
If he's not, then you end up living with the knowledge he thinks you're making a fuss about nothing to one of the hardest things you've ever done. Your loved one not 'getting' you, is really hard to get past though. 😔

This, and most mums only want the “village” on their terms and take great exception to anyone criticising their parenting or telling off their children.