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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how to get through today.

90 replies

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:19

My baby is 3 days old. She has cried all night long, I haven’t had more than an hours sleep, my children will be up any second and I’ve got Christmas Day to make magical. I am so tired I can barely see and it’s the first time I’ve had a section and it hurts so much. I was supposed to have family round this morning before going to more family for lunch and all I want is to get into bed.

OP posts:
Goodlard · 25/12/2023 07:52

NeedToChangeName · 25/12/2023 07:48

This is easily fixed

Get DH to cancel the visitors

He takes older children (and baby if not BF) to see the family

You stay home and rest

OR, cancel everything and stay home. You've just had major surgery, unplanned, and you have a tiny baby. You have all the trump cards here. Use them !

And congratulations on the baby

And if DO goes, get him to bring home a meal for you!

Piratesue · 25/12/2023 07:54

Stay in bed! Present wrapping can come to you. Just do not get up, please rest you will make yourself worse.
Ignore all texts, it just reply with omg are you serious, poor DH don't worry about me and my major surgery.

FFS some people
Take care and congratulations

RedStripeypillow · 25/12/2023 07:55

Yep, agree with everyone else. Stop being a martyr. Ignore the stupid messages and see them for what they are and don't perpetuate internalised misogyny. You hand baby over to your DH or visitor and go to bed. It would be insane to fo anything else
Your children will be fine and happy. Be steely and put yourself first. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing otherwise.

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/12/2023 07:56

Those texts would drive me crazy.

Put yourself and your baby first OP.

Patchworksack · 25/12/2023 07:58

You stay in bed, children bring presents in to open them so you can share their excitement . Cancel visitors or they can pop in for half an hour tops to peep at baby in the understanding they make their own cups of tea (and bring you one) DH makes you some food and then takes the rest of the family out to lunch, bring you back a plate to heat up later. Stay in bed like the queen you are, receive only visitors who don’t expect you to lift a finger three days after major surgery and prioritise recovery!

AInightingale · 25/12/2023 08:00

Why aren't your family helping ffs. You need to stay in bed, concentrate on the baby, someone needs to bring YOU a little food and drink and your DH can do the 'magic' with other kids. Years ago you would still have been in hospital recovering.

Congratulations on your Christmas baby too.

Pollyparkin · 25/12/2023 08:00

You've had major surgery. He hasn't. You need to rest. You categorically do not need to look after him as well as a baby. He can rest tonight or tomorrow but you first please today. Are family good at pitching in? Sending love

Metallicant · 25/12/2023 08:03

Please stay in bed! You need to rest and recover and sleep if you possibly can.

Tell dh that you can’t do any of the other stuff and need him to help. He takes the others to visit family or you cancel family or they come but leave you in peace and help out with cooking and looking after the others.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 25/12/2023 08:03

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

“DH is fine, he is tired but not as tired as I am after having had major abdominal surgery three days ago”
Advocate for yourself.
I wouldn’t go anywhere today, seriously. Stay home.
As for hosting, if it can’t be cancelled then DH and the guests do the work. You get as much rest as you can,

Simplelobsterhat · 25/12/2023 08:05

Oh op, I gave birth 3 days before Christmas but it was my first so I was lucky I had no pressure to make magic for anyone. I didn't have a c section but did have an infected episiotomy and that was bad enough, so I can't imagine how you feel.

I can't imagine sending that text. 3 DAYS!? I would think it was weird if he didn't look tired! Please reply with something about how obviously you are both still exhausted from the birth and baby not sleeping. And then think of things you can suggest they do to help (even if you have to frame it as taking the load of DH as that's the person they seem to care about!).

In my case we didn't go anywhere but my parents and siblings bought round plates up Xmas dinners once they had eaten theirs, which was amazing. Could your DH and older kids go out for as planned lunch, and then bring you back some leftovers to eat this evening?

If you have visitors before, do not make one but if effort for them, sit on sofa in PJ's and ask them to make a cuppa, play with kids etc. That's what anyone who visits someone with a 3 day old should expect.

Before that, fake some excitement for the big ones opening presents etc and cuddles with them, but then leave the rest of the Christmas magic to the other adults who are expecting to see you today.

Lochness1975 · 25/12/2023 08:07

Congratulations!

You’ve just had major surgery. Get DH up, hand him the baby, go back to bed! Send them all out for Christmas lunch, get them to bring you a doggy bag, and sleep. Make sure you eat something too, even if you feel too tired, you need to keep your strength up x

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 08:08

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Nonsense. You don't have to tell him to rest up. Reply saying "He's fine, I'm 3 days out of major surgery and I feel crap".

Mariposistaa · 25/12/2023 08:09

I don’t agree you should spend the day in bed. You have other children too who will be upset at mummy removing herself from them on Christmas Day. But you should not be hosting or doing any of the donkey work.

Crepid · 25/12/2023 08:14

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

There is another choice…

You text back family member and say ‘poor husband - more poor you’ and that you don’t want to hear any more about it given you just had major surgery.

Then you tell him to get on with the day shift, seeing as you managed the night shift, and you rest up.

If you don’t rest, you’ll delay your recovery and you’ll be no good to anyone then

DidIMakeaMistake · 25/12/2023 08:15

@Mariposistaa the kids will get over it!! What a ridiculous guilt tripping thing to say!! Ffs I don’t think you realise the seriousness of a c-section.

OP screw everyone else, baby to family as PPs said. Don’t you give a shit about anyone else’s judgment. This is your health you need to prioritise. I’ve had two sections, two sets of infections from doing waaay too much after both sections I had little choice as both babies were very poorly in hospital.

You have a choice to prioritise yourself.

crumblingschools · 25/12/2023 08:18

@Mariposistaa other DC can pop in to see mum during the day. Or she can sit on the sofa, probably best to have some movement during the day, but no need for visitors or visiting

countingto10 · 25/12/2023 08:19

I’ve had 4 c sections and one of the best pieces of advice I received (can’t remember where from) was to stay in my dressing gown for a week when I got home, to remind people I was recovering from major surgery. It does work. My DH (for all his faults) never expected me to do anything when I got home from hospital other than to deal with the newborn where necessary until I was healed. Indeed, my whole family stepped up, who doesn’t 🤷‍♀️. Yes you need to move about but you don’t need to be doing anything.

Hope you feel much better soon.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 25/12/2023 08:22

Mariposistaa · 25/12/2023 08:09

I don’t agree you should spend the day in bed. You have other children too who will be upset at mummy removing herself from them on Christmas Day. But you should not be hosting or doing any of the donkey work.

They can come to mummy's bed though?

Twiglets1 · 25/12/2023 08:27

All these martyr threads … for anyone who has a young baby especially after a c section you are the priority not your tired husbands or wider families with little empathy.

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 08:35

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Don't be
so bloody
ridiculous.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 25/12/2023 08:39

Agree with PP’s, this Christmas is time for you to be selfish. A 3 day old baby with a section to boot? Whoever is closest gets the baby and you go off for a rest, your DP can entertain the guests.

I refused to see anyone for Christmas when DS was 6 weeks old at Christmas (though he’d had bad colic and was barely sleeping at all). Merry Christmas, go back to bed! Flowers

AInightingale · 25/12/2023 08:51

Mariposistaa · 25/12/2023 08:09

I don’t agree you should spend the day in bed. You have other children too who will be upset at mummy removing herself from them on Christmas Day. But you should not be hosting or doing any of the donkey work.

No they won't, they'll just remember it as the Christmas when their little baby sister was born and their mother was very tired and had to stay in bed and they brought their presents in to her. Absolutely no need to haul yourself around the house, you have a healing wound to consider ffs. A sick mother is of no use to anybody.

telestrations · 25/12/2023 08:52

The kids would probably be delighted with a happy meal. Your DH can manage that and the kids. They can open their presents on your bed. Your family can help or buzz off and out.

Simplelobsterhat · 25/12/2023 08:52

I don't agree with the people saying not see anyone. That would work if this was dc1, but as it is that will put all the onus of making Christmas magic for the other kids, and feeding them, on you so harder work. Just forget all notions of hosting, getting dressed, tidy house etc. Make it clear to everyone how tired and in pain you are and if they are worth having in your life they will step up and be helpful, and if not their opinion is not worth anything anyway.

And there is nothing wrong with leaving DH and kids to visit family without you if you don't feel up to leaving house, as long as you have spent some time with DC first (which could be as simple as opening presents on your bed and a gentle cuddle!).

Wishimaywishimight · 25/12/2023 08:57

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Don't start being martyrish the minute you give birth. You really do have a choice. Remind them you are recovering from surgery!