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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how to get through today.

90 replies

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:19

My baby is 3 days old. She has cried all night long, I haven’t had more than an hours sleep, my children will be up any second and I’ve got Christmas Day to make magical. I am so tired I can barely see and it’s the first time I’ve had a section and it hurts so much. I was supposed to have family round this morning before going to more family for lunch and all I want is to get into bed.

OP posts:
MooFroo · 25/12/2023 07:37

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Stop being a martyr!
remind everyone you’ve just had a C section and get them involved in the work and babysitting while you lie down and look after yourself x

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 07:38

No. No. No. you don’t. You need to text them and ask for help. He hasn’t had an operation. Unless he has a similar health thing going on you get the rest. Text them back.

’To be honest we are both exhausted. Baby kept us awake. We have both had little sleep. I only got one hour and I’m on my knees. I’m still so sore from the op and they said I should rest. We would be really grateful if you could …… We are desperate!

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 07:39

QueenCremant · 25/12/2023 07:34

Do not go for lunch. You’ve had major surgery and you need to rest. If your dp/dh had abdominal surgery 3 days ago there is no way he’d be going anywhere.
Your priority right now is to yourself and your baby. Look after yourself x

Agree with Christmas bells on.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:40

OP, you are 3 days post-section & childbirth.

You medically cannot do all the things you are suggesting, and I'm really sorry that others around you haven't stepped up to make sure you are not trying to.

You need to spend most of the day in bed - baby with DH/P as much as possible.

Don't worry about magic for the older DC - just be around for the present-opening etc.

Who is visiting you? If it's your family, tell them you need help. Give them practical jobs to do that will help you, including passing over baby fully, while you go to bed.

Regarding going out for your meal, I guess that can't be changed. If they are your family, be clear with them how you are feeling & do as much as you are able but go and rest / feed baby as needed, and don't stay long.

Have a plan for the next few days that involves others helping / taking other DC out to give you a rest.

I'm upset on your behalf that no-one in your family (DH / own family) has thought of this & is doing it already.

The idea that 3 days post-section you are already home from hospital is shocking (it's 5 days in Ireland, ie if you had a baby early on Monday morning, the earliest you would leave is Friday afternoon or Saturday morning). That's because it's major surgery & you need to mind the wound / stitches.

I really really hope someone steps up to help you today 😘

(PS congratulations on your new little baby! 👶🏻)

SpongeBob2022 · 25/12/2023 07:40

To add...things clearly havent gone how you expected and its ok to feel like you do about that. You have just had major surgery and have been through so much to get your baby safely here. And are still thinking of others...what a great Mum you must be. But it's time to prioritise you! There is also no other operation which requires someone to then be up all night with no recovery time, or where there would be an expectation to be up and about celebrating 3 days later. Any other op and people wouldnt even consider it. Your hormones will be all over the place. Go easy on yourself.

Whataretheodds · 25/12/2023 07:40

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Sorry but that's just martyrdom. He needs to be pulling his weight!

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:41

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

Of course you've a choice!

Don't be silly. You can't afford to play the martyr here.

What's DH saying about it all?

Copperoliverbear · 25/12/2023 07:41

Is there anything wrong with the baby? Why is she constantly crying bless her x
If you could get her to settle maybe you could have a couple of hours once your older children have opened their presents.
If you are breast feeding, maybe you could top her up with a bottle until your milk comes in properly, that's what I had to do x

Whataretheodds · 25/12/2023 07:42

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

"We have X children including a newborn. He's lucky he isn't also recovering from having his insides cut open and stitched up 3 days ago"

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:43

I see so many of us have cross-posted about being a martyr!

OP, who can you message now who'll step in & help you? Is there someone? It's unfortunately sounding like it won't be your H ....

StrongTea · 25/12/2023 07:43

Congratulations, stay in, rest and put off visitors. Many years ago new mums stayed in hospital for 10 days even after a normal birth. Last thing you need is unhelpful visitors.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 25/12/2023 07:43

@Copperoliverbear lots of babies seem to be 'constantly' crying at 3 days old - it's often not actually constant but feels constant enough to get little respite/sleep from it.

Whataretheodds · 25/12/2023 07:43

Family through the door only if they're going to mind the children while you shower/nap, and make you breakfast

whitebreadjamsandwich · 25/12/2023 07:44

Who the hell is stupid enough to text a 3 day postpartum mother to say their dh looks tired.....his mother?

PaminaMozart · 25/12/2023 07:44

You've just had MAJOR abdominal surgery !!!!

You need to stay in bed and rest.

It's totally insane to expect anything else.

Your husband needs to step up!

crumblingschools · 25/12/2023 07:46

Why are you going anywhere when you have a 3 day old baby?

Goodlard · 25/12/2023 07:46

Howtoguideforme · 25/12/2023 07:32

My family member just texts saying

‘is DH ok he looked tired’
’is DH ok he was quiet’

So I’ve had no choice but to tell him to rest up so I don’t have to hear about poor him.

You had every choice and you took the wrong one! Get presents opened and then back to bed.

Copperoliverbear · 25/12/2023 07:46

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter I have got children
I was saying if you could find a way to settle her it would be great for you.
I don't remember mine constantly crying, but I did feed on demand.

ChesterFoxE · 25/12/2023 07:46

I cant believe that your DH or any family member would still expect you to host 3 days after having a baby.

Why even plan that if you were due around this time c-section or not.....crazy!

Please get your DH up and get him sorting everything. You need to rest & focus on you & the baby. Xx

countbackfromten · 25/12/2023 07:47

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:40

OP, you are 3 days post-section & childbirth.

You medically cannot do all the things you are suggesting, and I'm really sorry that others around you haven't stepped up to make sure you are not trying to.

You need to spend most of the day in bed - baby with DH/P as much as possible.

Don't worry about magic for the older DC - just be around for the present-opening etc.

Who is visiting you? If it's your family, tell them you need help. Give them practical jobs to do that will help you, including passing over baby fully, while you go to bed.

Regarding going out for your meal, I guess that can't be changed. If they are your family, be clear with them how you are feeling & do as much as you are able but go and rest / feed baby as needed, and don't stay long.

Have a plan for the next few days that involves others helping / taking other DC out to give you a rest.

I'm upset on your behalf that no-one in your family (DH / own family) has thought of this & is doing it already.

The idea that 3 days post-section you are already home from hospital is shocking (it's 5 days in Ireland, ie if you had a baby early on Monday morning, the earliest you would leave is Friday afternoon or Saturday morning). That's because it's major surgery & you need to mind the wound / stitches.

I really really hope someone steps up to help you today 😘

(PS congratulations on your new little baby! 👶🏻)

@Howtoguideforme - I couldn’t agree more with this advice. You need looking after and your DH needs to step up!!

Mumtobe2023 · 25/12/2023 07:48

If I was hosting Christmas Dinner and one of my guests had a 3 day old baby I would never expect them to be there! Do not put pressure on yourself OP. Your children will find the day magic regardless! Just do what you need to do for YOU! Merry Christmas ❤️🎄🎅

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:48

Actually, I've just thought further.

Don't go to Christmas lunch. DH & DC go, you stay with baby in bed

They can bring back a plate if you're up for it but often digestively, lots of rich food won't be great 3 days after a section so you might not want a Christmas meal.

Get one of the morning visitors to sort out a lunch for you. They'll be gone for the afternoon I assume, so you can rest, even if baby is crying a lot, you can just stay in bed & feed / rest as you can.

DH & kids can come home early evening & then you can all have movie etc together.

NeedToChangeName · 25/12/2023 07:48

This is easily fixed

Get DH to cancel the visitors

He takes older children (and baby if not BF) to see the family

You stay home and rest

OR, cancel everything and stay home. You've just had major surgery, unplanned, and you have a tiny baby. You have all the trump cards here. Use them !

And congratulations on the baby

EarringsandLipstick · 25/12/2023 07:49

Copperoliverbear · 25/12/2023 07:46

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter I have got children
I was saying if you could find a way to settle her it would be great for you.
I don't remember mine constantly crying, but I did feed on demand.

You have forgotten then.

They may not constantly cry but it can feel like that. If OP is breastfeeding, her milk won't come in till c day 5 (after a section it takes longer) so that may be a factor & maybe some formula is needed for a day.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 25/12/2023 07:50

Copperoliverbear · 25/12/2023 07:46

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter I have got children
I was saying if you could find a way to settle her it would be great for you.
I don't remember mine constantly crying, but I did feed on demand.

I initially fed on demand too, but I think that tiny babies often just cry - when you think about what's happened to them in the last week or so it's not surprising.

Of course if constant crying continues then it's worth investigating.

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