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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being annoyed at my dad?

62 replies

JJ071 · 25/12/2023 02:36

Me and my partner have a 10 month old daughter and we’ve talked about marriage since we started going out 3 years ago. Today my partner asked my dad for his blessing (old fashion I know but I wanted him to and I know my dad would’ve appreciated it). Me and my mum popped out to get food and when we came back he said to my mum “they’re getting married” now my mum knew it’s been spoken about so she wasn’t shocked so said congratulations and I just didn’t know what to say. My dad said how my partner asked and I said I don’t think I’m supposed to be told this? He didn’t care and I don’t think he even realised. Me and my partner have the most amazing relationship and I feel like the proposal is the only surprise I’ll have and just by my dad saying that feels like it’s ruined it slightly? I know I’m probably being petty but I love things this big being kept a secret. It’s been pretty clear we’ll eventually get married but I wish my dad didn’t say that as when my partner does ask I want it to be a complete surprise. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dehydratedmarshmallowsaremarshmallows · 25/12/2023 02:40

He shouldn't have said anything. I really don't get the whole asking for permission thing though. Doesn't sit right with me but whatever makes you happy 🤷‍♀️

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 25/12/2023 02:43

Eugh I'm sorry, people (e.g. your dad) can be thoughtless! It's actually the reason my husband didn't "ask permission" (and also because it's a bit anti feminist etc) because he didn't think my parents could keep a secret!

BasiliskStare · 25/12/2023 02:53

Ah , I think of all the hills you could die on - this is not one. Yes I think asking "for your hand" is old fashioned I would not have liked it but assuming this is a chap you want to spend your life with , maybe a conversation would work. - Perhaps your father announcing it is the big surprise 😂

Brahumbug · 25/12/2023 03:41

Surely, if you wanted your partner to ask your dad for his blessing, then you must have known that a proposal of marriage was coming? How would it have been a surprise

WandaWonder · 25/12/2023 03:47

Yes you as you are not a child and wanted you boyfriend to ask for permission so you knew it was going to happen sometime, just please don't use the word princess anywhere

Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:23

My dads normally a quiet and reserved person and I never thought he would’ve said this so it did really take me back!

OP posts:
Midnightgrey · 25/12/2023 04:25

Your dad is a bit thick. You really can't argue with stupid. Hopefully you take after your mother.

Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:32

Of course I knew it was coming I just didn’t want to know my dad gave his blessing as I know it’ll be soon. As I’ve said we discussed marriage but my dad outing out when he did has upset me

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 25/12/2023 04:32

I am confused. You wanted DP.to ask your Dad and you didn't think your Dad would say anything....and your mum knew....so didn't you know?

How old are your parents? This sort of thing had started to die out 20 years ago so naybe your Dad never did it? Or did it after he proposed? Maybe your Dad didn't do a big proposal?

There has been a growing trend for a while of planned and orchestrated proposals. Of couples saying we are going to get engaged on this date.
If the only surprise was how or when not if then YABU.

Your DP could've been clearer if it was a secret

Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:32

I take after my mother thankfully 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:35

I can understand it’s not everyone’s view but since I was little I knew my dad had to be asked and I’m aware it’s old fashion and my partner was aware of this a long time ago. I’m not the biggest fan of it but my dad has been a great supporter my whole life so it was natural to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:40

My mum knew we talked about getting married that was it. My dad asked my grandad for his permission but didn’t tell anyone. I’m 28 and I’m aware this is old fashion but it’s something I’ve wanted since I was a little girl. I don’t want a big proposal I’ve told him I want something with just him and I that’s it,there’s no big expectations. I just didn’t want to know when my dad gave the all clear as we don’t get many surprises in life and this is one of them. I don’t feel like it was my dads place to say what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ071 · 25/12/2023 04:42

Sorry I’m confused where have I used the words princess here?

OP posts:
SweetFemaleAttitude · 25/12/2023 04:44

Your dad never 'outed' anything. Nobody has come out of the closet have they?

He was probably really happy about it.

Now you have the anticipation of the proposal. Even though you know it's coming, you don't know when or how.

I think you need to get over this.

Whataretheodds · 25/12/2023 04:47

we’ve talked about marriage since we started going out 3 years ago

And he knew you'd want him to speak to your father before proposing.

It was never going to be a total surprise. Can you not think of it as being a process of surprise/excitement - you didn't know he was going to speak to your dad today. You still don't know when he's going to fo whatever it is you need him to do to "ask you to marry him".

In the BBC Pride & Prejudice Mr Bingley visits, all the women gradually leave him and Jane Bennett alone, and when Lizzie comes back Bingley leaves and Jane tells Lizzie "he has gone to father". She looks incredibly excited. Maybe think of it like that? (I can't recall how it's done in the book).

Pemba · 25/12/2023 04:48

Asking permission of the woman's father is such an antiquated concept. I can tell you that it wasn't really a thing in the UK when I got married, and that was 35 years ago.

Each to their own etc, but I do find it a bit odd that your DP wanted to do that. It is based on very old sexist ideas, the potential husband is asking the woman's father, who currently has 'custody' of the female, if it is ok for him to become the new 'owner' of the female. Symbolically not literally of course these days. If you think that's not the case, then why doesn't he ask the mum? See also in a traditional church wedding the bride's father 'giving her away' .

And it's a bit incongruous in your situation, as by this old fashioned way of thinking your DP has already helped himself to you hasn't he? You've had a baby already and live together!

So I wouldn't waste your time getting annoyed with your dad for spoiling the 'surprise', just laugh about it, give yourself a shake and get on with planning the wedding. All the best.

whatsappdoc · 25/12/2023 04:53

This is all arse about face (ignoring the revolting concept of a woman being passed from man to man) because traditionally the man proposes, the woman accepts then the man goes and asks the father. Which is probably what your dad thought.

CurlewKate · 25/12/2023 08:56

How can it be a complete surprise when you asked your do to ask your dad....

ANightmareBeforeChristmas · 25/12/2023 08:59

Is your fiancé Ben Stiller? Xmas Grin

pinkdelight · 25/12/2023 09:02

I don’t think he even realised.

This is understandable as he wouldn't think you didn't know and that your DP was genuinely asking his permission to propose. Surely he interpreted it is your DP telling him you were getting married, which you both knew, and hence he thought that was the news to share when you returned. Unless your DP clearly said keep this secret, I can see where the confusion came from. It's a bit of a farce to follow Victorian customs in your situation.

Icepop79 · 25/12/2023 09:09

You have a child with your partner, so I can understand why your father wasn’t expecting the proposal to be a surprise to you. He probably assumed you and your partner had discussed it first. It seems a little strange that you’re all about some old-fashioned tradition about asking your father’s permission to propose. Did your partner ask his permission to impregnate you?

nothingcomestonothing · 25/12/2023 09:12

I just didn’t want to know when my dad gave the all clear as we don’t get many surprises in life and this is one of them. I don’t feel like it was my dads place to say what he did

This is so bizarre. What would you have done if your dad hadn't 'gave the all clear'?

You wanted your DP to ask your dad if you could do something which you fully intend to do no matter what his response is, then you think his response is not his place to say? You think your dad should have this conversation with your DP and not mention it to you? If I was your dad and my daughter's DP asked to marry her but I wasn't to discuss it with her I'd think that a massive red flag to be honest. I don't understand this whole scenario.

HarrumphryBogart · 25/12/2023 09:32

There is an easy way to keep things surprising, you could say no!

jolies1 · 25/12/2023 09:35

My DP didn’t ask permission as I’ve been independent since I left home at 18! But he did tell my dad and brother the night before so they could help arrange a nice family meal for when we got back. In hindsight I should have known when I came back from the loo and dad and bro couldn’t get out the house quick enough (they were worried they’d give the game away 😂).

It sounds like OP and partner have discussed marriage as they should. It’s not unreasonable for her to want a small surprise of when / how they will get engaged - I presume if he’s talking to Dad he’s intending to do it imminently.

thinslicedham · 25/12/2023 09:53

I'd wonder if your father didn't realise you didn't already know he was about to propose soon. I'd expect a couple living together with their child might already have discussed it, tbh. You didn't do everything else in the traditional 'order', so I don't think you should be annoyed that your father didn't read your mind about this. Your partner should have made it clear it was a surprise for you.

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