AIBU for being annoyed at my dad?

[JJ071]

Me and my partner have a 10 month old daughter and we’ve talked about marriage since we started going out 3 years ago. Today my partner asked my dad for his blessing (old fashion I know but I wanted him to and I know my dad would’ve appreciated it). Me and my mum popped out to get food and when we came back he said to my mum “they’re getting married” now my mum knew it’s been spoken about so she wasn’t shocked so said congratulations and I just didn’t know what to say. My dad said how my partner asked and I said I don’t think I’m supposed to be told this? He didn’t care and I don’t think he even realised. Me and my partner have the most amazing relationship and I feel like the proposal is the only surprise I’ll have and just by my dad saying that feels like it’s ruined it slightly? I know I’m probably being petty but I love things this big being kept a secret. It’s been pretty clear we’ll eventually get married but I wish my dad didn’t say that as when my partner does ask I want it to be a complete surprise. Am I being unreasonable?

we don’t get many surprises in life and this is one of them. I don’t feel like it was my dads place to say what he did

Ironic because what your dad said was a surprise to you. But seems you only want surprises that you know will happen and have control over. Not actual surprises. Okaaaay.

It’s still going to be a surprise and your dad also surprised you. 2 surprises.

The proposal was never going to be a complete surprise as you have been talking about it for years.

Really interested to know if you wouldn’t get married if your dad said he didn’t approve though.

Dick move from your dad.

But you’re kind of mix and matching on your traditions there… if you’re his property to make decisions about, then you don’t really get to complain about his choices 😉

My dad told me if a man ever asked him if they could propose to me he’d say no because no man who was good enough to marry me would be so daft. I like my dad.

The whole charade is so silly. When you’ve already got a child you can’t claim to be remotely traditional. Did you ask your dad’s permission to have a baby?!

I like your dad too @AnneLovesGilbert 😆

I told my daughter I’m saying no (for her) to any man who thinks she’s my property and it’s my decision to make.

Ah OP, this will be a funny anecdote in 10 years time.
'My Dad proposed for us' etc.

Honestly, if you already have a child together & have discussed getting married, a surprise proposal seems pretty unsurprising in the scheme of things. I guess your dad thought it was all agreed?

But nevertheless, I'm sorry you have been disappointed. A proposal is a lovely, once in a lifetime (hopefully) thing & it's a shame it was gatecrashed by your dad.

But congratulations! You're getting married! Whoo! 🥳

Word of warning - if you are the kind of person who has these types of lovely scenarios pre-planned, be prepared for wedding disappointment. My dad did a whole Father of the Bride speech about how great my DH is & didn't mention me once 🤣 I can laugh about it now. Just.

Don't be ridiculous. You are not the heroine of an 18 century novel and your life will be much happier if you stop pretending you are.

On the subject of asking permission, agreed it's patriarchal etc.

But I don't think it's a bad thing to have a conversation to make sure you will have both families support & blessing.

Yabu for entertaining such outdated sexist practices.
Take this as a heads up. If you want to maintain old fashioned traditions you might have to prep people first as to what their part is going to be. Sadly people don’t just know.
My dad’s answer would have been unrepeatable even for mumsnet if the father of his grandchild had asked him for my hand in marriage!

Don’t let it spoil things. Asking for blessing assumes he’s already asked you/you’ve already decided to marry. It’s nice your dad is happy. I’d focus on that.

And if they don’t?

You’ve been together for 3 years and talk about marriage, you also have a child together.
It’s hardly ruined the surprise of it.

Your dad gave his blessing and was excited to tell your mum - that’s the most important part.
As we as that you and DP are happy and want to get married.

No one is to blame here and don’t put a downer on something that should have been a happy moment.

So on Christmas Eve you and your mum decided to pop out shopping on Christmas Eve. And left your dp with your dad?

Do you live with your parents? Does dp often hang out with your dad without you around?

It sounds like you knew or suspected what dp was doing anyway.

I'm with you. Dp asked dad's permission dad should have said nothing then you get a lovely surprise proposal.

Your dad has spoilt it. I wouldn't tell you partner as it might make the proposal awkward.

I found out dh was going to propose when I went on our laptop, was typing something in and in the auto was engagement rings . It was still wonderful when he proposed.

Yanbu but that’s because to me it’s really obvious your dad shouldn’t have said anything!!!!! But that said it may not have been obvious to him, tbh it doesn’t sound like your dad told you maliciously either, he probably just didn’t realise.

But you already knew! Anyway for goodness sake have some self respect, you are not your father’s property.

Perhaps your dad thought you had already agreed?

Other pp comments are making me think I'm misunderstanding.

I have read it like;

-You and the father of your child have previously talked about getting married one day.
-You told him you'd like him to ask your dad before he proposes, whenever that might be.
-This could have been 24 hours later or in another three years for all you knew, so the proposal would still have been something of a surprise.
-Now you're expecting it imminently because your dad announced that they had that conversation and you're a bit disappointed the surprise element has gone completely.

I get it! Not a huge thing, but I understand being a bit bummed about it short term.

Wudnt the proposal be the surprise, not that your father has agreed? By proposal I mean when and how your bf actually asks you to marry him. That would be the exciting part, right?

You're being a princess and it's all very confusing. Why make such a fuss about what's supposed to happen when? I also don't understand moving in with someone & having a kid, then wanting your dad's permission to marry. It seems the wrong order if you're that traditional 🤣

What century does your DP live in?

If he wants to get married he should just ask you. You aren't a possession of your dad's. I'm #TeamDad, and mine would have said the same if asked! (He wasn't)

I think YABVU.

I mean this kindly but I really don’t understand why you’re upset with your dad. You know your partner is going to propose, you knew he was going to ask your dad but you still don’t know how, where and when your partner will actually propose. So there is still plenty of time to be surprised and honestly, how much of a surprise is it going to be anyway given you’re aware it’s coming at some point! I’d let this one go, it’s really not a big deal.

I also don't understand moving in with someone & having a kid, then wanting your dad's permission to marry. It seems the wrong order if you're that traditional

This is the bit that I don't understand

Thank you! I don’t know why I’m being teared a new one by a lot of people. You nailed everything in what you’ve said so thank you for actually listening and understanding!!!

I have respect? Just because I wanted my dads blessing I don’t have any? This was MY decision my dad wouldn’t have expected it anyway. I agree it’s not for everyone and that’s fine. There’s no need to judge my decision is there.