To consider having a baby alone via a donor

[Icomewiththepressure]

I am 33, so there's still time.. I am recently out of a relationship of a few years and to be honest I don't know if I can be bothered with all the hassle again.
Having to get to know/spend time with a new bunch of in-laws, some bloke telling me I don't do xyz right/there's not enough sex/he doesn't like my haircut/I need to do xyz.
I feel like people find me annoying when they live with me even though I try my best. My ex told me that he sometimes wishes he lived alone but he knew he'd get lonely..
My social media feed is constant engagements, hen dos, weddings, house purchases, honeymoons, newborns, dogs etc. and I am over it.
I would love to have a child but just don't know if I can face another long term relationship after 3 failed ones. Does anyone else feel like this?
I've done the calculations and financially would be ok as a single mother, however it's the thought of a child growing up with just one parent.
Some people seem to say it's very selfish and I am worried it would emotionally damage a child.
I know having a father doesn't necessarily mean they'll be a good or present father, how many threads are there about deadbeat dads.

Having two children with a proper partner (equal one, not a feckless one) I’d never do it alone willingly. I’m exhausted and tired - cannot imagine doing it alone.

Also my friend has a child she conceived using donor sperm and the child has significant additional needs, no one else can look after him - she hasn’t had an evening without him in 10 years. It’s not what she envisaged and life is hard - she gave up a decent job and good money because working is impossible.

I have two children with ASD and without DH I’d have a breakdown.

I’ll leave others to comment on the donor issue, but just to say, your ex sounds annoying and awful to live with, you sound lovely. I’m not surprised you’ve been put off relationships if that’s how he spoke to you. While there is definitely life without relationships, I do also believe there are nicer men out there.

I wouldn't go down the donor route as you still have time.

Firstly it is worth getting therapy to understand why you are attracted to and choose such shit partners.

Then start dating and tell who you date from the first date you want children. If they don't or are unsure then don't bother going further. Simply as you now don't have years to wait to see.

There are actually men out there who do want children and aren't a-holes. However due to how you currently perceive relationships you aren't attracting them and aren't attracted to them.

There's a long process to go through where you have lots of advice and counselling, checking your aware of what a massive step it is. If you get through all that and still want to, then why not?

Just because we can doesn't mean we should. The children I know born from donors have really struggled with it and felt like they have unfairly had to burden their parents infertility / lack of relationship issues. Their parent(s) had a choice but they didn't.

I dont think having a child via a donor is anymore selfish than women that have children with men they know won't be there or who are already abusive in the relationship. This is your choice and yours alone.

@hanschristmassolo couldn't that be said about all children that are born. Non of us had a choice/didn't ask to be concieved.

I might be in the minority and it seems like we’re not supposed to say it, but honestly I think it would be incredibly selfish to knowingly create a child that is only going to have half the parents they deserve.

I realise there are many children that have been brought up with only one parent who have turned out fine, but there are plenty that have felt the absence of a father in their lives and it has not had a good effect on them. Being a lone parent is what happens when something goes wrong. It is far from idea and it’s not fair to willingly do that to a child to satisfy your own desires.

I don’t think I could do it.

I believe that dads play a really important and unique role in a child’s life, in just the same way as the mother does and I don’t think it would be nice to bring a child into the world knowing it would never have a dad.

My friend has a son and her partner left her a few months before the baby was born. From the age of 4 he has constantly been asking why his friends have a dad and he doesn’t and my friend finds the situation very hard to manage and she is obviously very upset with regards to seeing how much not having a dad is affecting her son. Obviously her situation was through no fault of her own but she feels incredibly guilty towards her son.

This is always a contentious issue and most people’s responses will naturally always be based on their own experience as a child or as a single parent or as a co-parent with a shit dad on the scene.

My dad was a huge part of my life as I grew up (despite my parents being divorced) and he still is now. I can’t imagine what it would be like to grow up without a dad, let alone have someone purposefully make that choice for me and my life.

My children have an amazing relationship with their dad….. without his presence and that kind of paternal relationship, their lives would be the poorer for it.

It’s your choice to make, but it is the child who will have to forever live with the consequences of that choice, not you.

Go thru the process of the therapy etc mentioned here already & if you still want to do it, then go for it!

Will it be hard? Yes. Will you be exhausted? Absolutely. Will you cope? Almost certainly.

Yes sure having a man around makes it easier but that's only if they are a supportive one. If not (& let's be brutally honest, that's not a minority) it makes everything worse.

I don't like the whole 'needs a father/mother else you're failing them from the get go' BS, especially as the focus seems to be on not having a father around being the worst. Plenty of same-sex couples have children & manage just fine, of course they do. So do plenty of single parents, it's just a question of how much you want to be in that situation & if you're prepared to give & give-up almost everything.

Good luck in whatever you CHOOSE to do 😊

Yes I would. I had my kids using a donor and you will be able to find others online in a similar situation.

Do you have family support nearby?

I would stick with 1 though if you want to keep sane.

I was in a similar boat to you, I came out of a long-term relationship at a similar age and was not in a hurry to find someone else. I seriously considered a donor baby, but dh came into my life unexpectedly when I was 37, so dc were conceived 'conventionally'.
My advice to you at 33 would be to take things how they come for a couple of years, because you still have time and you don't know what/who is over the horizon.
Would I have gone down the donor route if I had not met dh? Possibly, but with the benefit of hindsight it would have been a lot tougher than I imagined from my child-less perspective.

This seems to come up every week or so and there’s always a branch of traditionalists along to tell you you’re failing your child if they don’t have a father, a Labrador and an Aga. The middle class heteronormativity on mumsnet is alarming.

A child doesn’t need a father, they need a good parent or parents and honesty about their origins. Of course a child who’s been abandoned by one parent will have trauma surrounding that. But that doesn’t mean that a child who has been planned by a single person will feel the same! Families who use donor conception are open and honest about the reasons a donor was used (having learned from previous generations of donor conceived people and adoptees about the harms of secrecy) and research shows we’re doing it right and our children are not harmed by our decisions.

I would say that if you want to go down this route you need to really want to, and not as a last resort. Speak to other solo mums to understand what it’s really like (there are loads of us!)

I know someone who has two donor conceived children and it’s a very happy family BUT she has huge support from her parents. I think external support systems need to be robust for this to work. Yes, of course many single parents don’t have any help but I bet they often wish things were different.

You are comparing a child having a father as being equally important as to whether they have a dog or not? Or whether their mother has a branded oven?

I think it’s very sad that you consider the role of a father to be so unimportant.

OP - as part of your decision making process do please read around the subject of the impact of children growing up without fathers (although I’m sure you already have) as well as listening to and heeding advice from anecdotal stories or people’s individual experiences and opinions.

Totally disagree with the "a child needs a father figure." What about lesbian couples who have children? I know of two such couples (donor fathers) and both are fantastic families with two very loving parents.
I work in education and sadly I also know of many more families with both mother and father and some of these are both dysfunctional and neglectful.

Before I had children, I would have said go for it. I might have even considered it myself.

Knowing what I know now, and how much I rely on my dh to co-parent with me, I would say don’t do it.

I also agree with the point about considering additional needs, as well as supporting a teen who might have issues with it.

You should assess with your own eyes, ears and nose any man you’ll make babies with, don’t just take pot luck with a person’s genes like that. It would be better to have one night stands.

Now is not the time to be making such a decision when your relationship has only recently ended. Take a breather and don't put pressure on yourself about relationships and looking ahead. In six months or a year or so you may feel differently and even have met the man of your future. To decide to do this now, while tired and disillusioned by the loss of relationships, would be to take a hard road with short- and long-term consequences for your own life and for the life of a child.
As you said, you have time. There is no need to rush. Be wise enough to think beforehand about all the effects and difficulties you would have to face and what you would be giving up of the life and freedom you know and enjoy now.

I think all kinds of families can work if there is love and kindness and support. The main thing I’d be concerned about is one child having an involved father and the other one not having that, but I’m sure there are plenty of family set ups where this is the case and has been worked through successfully. Also, making sure you have a good support network. There’s also nothing wrong at all with having an only child - siblings don’t always get on and it isn’t always the lovely dynamic you might imagine. All the best with whatever you decide.

Thank you for your answers, there's a lot to think about.

I would read some testimonies from donor conceived people and consider them carefully. There are groups on Reddit and Facebook.

Of course she isn’t literally comparing those things to a man. What she’s saying is that clearly the majority that post on MN have this very particular, and very outdated, view of what a ‘good’, ‘decent’, and ‘proper’ family unit ought to look like. Jeez. I despair at the extent to which some women on here fixate on the most irrelevant of details - and wrongly, as well!

OP, I’m a lone parent. Not by choice insofar as I didn’t use a donor, but I knew just how useless the male counterpart was from the outset and decided to continue anyway. The guilt of my child not having his father around really does weigh heavy. It’s pretty overwhelming actually. Not having an extra income or someone to share the load with on the terrible days (and sometimes being a parent really is a bag of shite) is tough. As, I think, is not having that other parent around at home for your child to watch you converse with/bounce off of. Also, childcare is REALLY expensive. I did all the sums and thought we’d be ok too. We’re not really but I cling to the notion that nursery isn’t forever and try not to worry too much.

All that said, I absolutely wouldn’t change my decision at all. Being a mum is the greatest thing I’ve ever EVER done, and I love it. My child is healthy, happy, clever, loving, and so much more. When the questions come I’ll be honest in an age-appropriate way, and if his ‘dad’ ever does decide to step up then the door is always open.

My advice would be to continue dating and see what happens. Go into dates being honest about what you want and don’t apologise for that. In the meantime, research as much as you can about your other options and keep an open mind.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

It's a really personal choice.

I considered it long and hard did a lot of research about going it alone at 32/33, I also hired a therapist to talk it through as I wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to press on then have regrets. (I really recommend it and found it really helpfulin getting clarity on my preferred options)
It's a life altering irreversible decision....

I know two people who have done this and I don’t think you can underestimate how expensive it is raising children alone and how tiring it is. Things like nursery costs or time to do the school run. They love their children but it is really hard