To consider having a baby alone via a donor

[Icomewiththepressure]

I am 33, so there's still time.. I am recently out of a relationship of a few years and to be honest I don't know if I can be bothered with all the hassle again.
Having to get to know/spend time with a new bunch of in-laws, some bloke telling me I don't do xyz right/there's not enough sex/he doesn't like my haircut/I need to do xyz.
I feel like people find me annoying when they live with me even though I try my best. My ex told me that he sometimes wishes he lived alone but he knew he'd get lonely..
My social media feed is constant engagements, hen dos, weddings, house purchases, honeymoons, newborns, dogs etc. and I am over it.
I would love to have a child but just don't know if I can face another long term relationship after 3 failed ones. Does anyone else feel like this?
I've done the calculations and financially would be ok as a single mother, however it's the thought of a child growing up with just one parent.
Some people seem to say it's very selfish and I am worried it would emotionally damage a child.
I know having a father doesn't necessarily mean they'll be a good or present father, how many threads are there about deadbeat dads.

Fear of missing out.

And, many other kids with two parents also struggle, because one or both are incompetent.
Also... what about same-sex couples? You said 'two parents' but this doesn't fit in with your biology obsession.
The point I'm making is.
Unless your stand is 'people should only be allowed to reproduce if they're fit parents and in a stable homosexual relationship' it's illogical to single out children born of sperm donors.
If you want to compare between 'worse situations' the sperm donor kids are far better than the kids with useless bio dads. And of course same-sex the kids have two parents why should parental sexes matter.

If you look at where taxpayer money goes to pick up the pieces of incompetent parenting well it's not the sperm donor kids :)

If you look at where taxpayer money goes to pick up the pieces of incompetent parenting well it's not the sperm donor kids

I guess you'd have to look at the percentage of affected children rather than absolute numbers?

I know 2 women who’ve had a child by sperm donor. Both had had bad/sad relationships, one in her 40s and one late 30s. One was my ex boss so no idea how that’s worked out but her DSis and her family lived nearby and were going to help out. The other woman has a fairly close, large family and parents who live nearby and a sister with a family who lives on the south coast who’s seen fairly regularly.

When I was younger sperm and egg donation was seen as an option but was still quite rare. I was brought up from age 5 with my younger DB and stepdad from same age (not our bio dad) and DM experienced a bit of stigma as a single parent and I even saw this happen with friends who became single parents so this option was never for me. I did have relationships and was engaged twice at different ages but didn’t marry or have DC.

I think in your case OP I’d freeze your eggs if you can but date a lot to try to find the right person.

Fair enough. My poor little mites had to settle with being raised by two women, the poor souls.

They've only gone on to be happy, successful people in loving relationships of their own and thriving in their chosen professions. A terrible fate really. If only there had been someone with a penis around it may not have been this way 😞...

This, bravo

I don’t think children necessarily need a father in their lives, although a loving, present father is worth his weight in gold.

Plenty of families happily exist where the children are cared for by a single, loving Mum and extended family, gay couples, etc.

But I think it does help to frame it not as you want to have a baby, but that you will have a human.

The baby part is the easy bit (although even that can be very hard as a single parent).

A human comes with thoughts, feelings, emotions, opinions, and wellbeing needs of their own.

I have a friend who has two DC via donor, and the older they get, the more complicated it gets.

It is difficult to be the one who not only doesn’t have a father on the scene, but doesn’t even have the person who made half of who they are. Much of their very essence is absent, missing.

It’s a complex thing to process for anyone.

I know 3 women who have done this. But all mid 40s. They're all doing great but I would suggest leaving it until you're perhaps late 30s. You still have time to meet someone and do it together. I have DC and a DH and really not sure if I'd have coped alone (and I consider myself quite resilient).

@gggonewired

If you look at where taxpayer money goes to pick up the pieces of incompetent parenting well it's not the sperm donor kids :) Edited
Thanks

I doubt that such specific figures exist and sperm donor kids are as likely to have an incompetent parent as any other. Wanting a child and being a competent parent are two different things.

It’s just a shame that the importance of a father and their role is reduced to “someone with a penis.”

I’m not saying that children can’t thrive in a family where they don’t have a mother or where they don’t have a father, but in an ideal situation it is my belief that children should have both.

That may be an outdated view but it’s just my personal view. I think mothers and fathers each play a very unique role in a child’s life and that where possible, they should have the opportunity to have a maternal and paternal relationship.

Op I’m going in January to the clinic for IUI with doner sperm. I’m also a single mum but I have a 7 yr old Dd.

I got a thorough kicking on here when I asked similar, but honestly half of MN is so obsessed with having a man they’ll do anything to keep one, so take their advice with a big pinch of salt.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm 36 and have considered this myself for the same reasons. Even if I could be bothered to start over, there's a serious shortage of decent, responsible men out there, and having a relationship isn't the be all and end all society makes it out to be.

I did it at 41. The greatest thing that couldve happened to me.

My mother supports me and thats all I need.

And I have a happy content dc of 2

It’s an extremely outdated view, and it is my sincere hope that you can free yourself from the societal standards of the 1950s so your opinions don’t harm any children you may have (with a man, of course!)

I have two children, now grown up, with no medical issues with a lovely man who was and is a terrific husband and father. There were two of us here, both pulling together. And yet it was still hard. I wouldn't want to go it alone.

How does my opinion harm children?! 😆

How do you know?

Family Courts are secretive in this country. A judge definitely wouldn't allow that to be reported in any case that has some facts reported on.

I think mothers and fathers each play a very unique role in a child’s life and that where possible, they should have the opportunity to have a maternal and paternal relationship

Yes!

I don't think that's an 'outdated' view btw.

What a child needs is one (or more) consistent loving caregiver/a to meet their needs and provide them with a secure attachment during their critical early years.

that’s the most important thing.

there is then lots of things that children can benefit from, that fathers, second parents, other mums, grandparents, strong male role models etc can provide. Families all look different these days, it is an outdated view to say you need a mother and a father in a perfect 2.4 family to raise a happy healthy child.

what you need is to be able to provide the secure attachment. Of course it’s mostly (not always if you have an unsupportive partner) harder on your own but it’s going to depend on so many variables. If you can financially do it that’s a great start.

Do you feel that mothers are just as expendable as fathers?

I.e you don’t think it’s important whether a child has a mother or not?

And if they do it’s just an “added benefit”?

I didn’t say mother or father as a need. I said children need a secure attachment to a consistent caregiver. This is usually a mother but could be a father, could be both? Could be two mothers/two fathers.

the added benefits are all the extra things that fathers, mothers, other guardians can provide. For example different types of play, role modelling etc.

but fundamentally children don’t a fully conventional heteronormative life, they need love, security and stability.

Just make sure that you take the time to really listen to donor conceived adults (there is a sizeable, vocal community across all platforms of social media) not just donor recipient parents.

Donor conceived people face very specific emotional challenges. I don't believe these challenges are insurmountable, but they must be acknowledged, researched, and the child must be offered appropriate support.

With adoption, there have been years of research, there's a lot of support available, and crucially, every stage of the process places the child front and centre (in the UK at least). None of this is automatically available for donor conceived children unless their parents make the effort to seek it out.

Whether YOU will cope as a single parent shouldn't necessarily be your top concern.

Very well said.

A lot of these replies focus on the OP and how she will cope. There’s hardly any thought given to the child and how their life will be affected.