To consider having a baby alone via a donor

[Icomewiththepressure]

I am 33, so there's still time.. I am recently out of a relationship of a few years and to be honest I don't know if I can be bothered with all the hassle again.
Having to get to know/spend time with a new bunch of in-laws, some bloke telling me I don't do xyz right/there's not enough sex/he doesn't like my haircut/I need to do xyz.
I feel like people find me annoying when they live with me even though I try my best. My ex told me that he sometimes wishes he lived alone but he knew he'd get lonely..
My social media feed is constant engagements, hen dos, weddings, house purchases, honeymoons, newborns, dogs etc. and I am over it.
I would love to have a child but just don't know if I can face another long term relationship after 3 failed ones. Does anyone else feel like this?
I've done the calculations and financially would be ok as a single mother, however it's the thought of a child growing up with just one parent.
Some people seem to say it's very selfish and I am worried it would emotionally damage a child.
I know having a father doesn't necessarily mean they'll be a good or present father, how many threads are there about deadbeat dads.

Oh bless you that sounds rough

My very long term partner left when baby 2 was 4 weeks old - I am now totally alone with a toddler and baby. I actually find it easier than when he was around, but I can pay for help. No family. If you can afford to pay for childcare and emergency help like a nanny then I would say go for it it’s the most incredible thing ever. I wake up every day thankful he left after my babies and not before. I’m honoured to be their mother.

A friend of mine is a surgeon and adopted a baby at birth. She copes even better than I do and on far less sleep and is blissfully happy. Again can afford to pay for help. No family.

I suggest waiting 5 years and therapy - you need all your mental health to have kids lol.

good luck!

My friend has recently done the is (has a lovely 1yr old). She has lots of support from her parents though (moved back in with them for the first couple of years of her baby’s life) and lots of siblings, very close family. Would you have family support?

Either way, you’re still young so I wouldn’t worry about it for a couple of years at least!

My friend had 3 cycles of ivf and was 42 when she gave birth.

A lot depends on your support network, without a father (at all) what would happen if you needed medical treatment? You lost your job? You were permanently disabled in some way? You have pnd?

If you have family you can rely on, financially you can get help, good employers re maternity leave and emergency childcare issues, it's very different to fully going it alone.

I'd also add that children can be born with all kinds of problems or they come to light over time, children get seriously ill too unfortunately - you need to consider how you would deal with this alone. Dsd has 2:1 care, that's 2 adults at all times (adult and lives with carers sort of independently) this would be incredibly difficult to navigate alone, dp and his ex stayed together mostly because they couldn't parent alone

In principle this might be good advice but you need to make sure you’re comparing like with like. In the UK I believe it's now law that donors can’t be lifelong anonymous and that donor conceived children have the right to receive some information about them when they turn 18 (obviously that doesn’t guarantee they will be contactable then or will want to be contacted). This didn’t use to be the case, and a donor conceived child-now-adult who feels traumatised about having no information at all about one parent, and maybe even had the fact of being donor conceived hidden from them, will be in a different situation to children who have been donor conceived more recently.

The law changed in 2005 which means the first children conceived under the new law will only just have turned 18 this year I guess. Which means there may not be that much evidence out there yet about how those children have felt about it.

Hi sister from another mister! I'm 35 and I too have had years of my life wasted by nasty, mean or just plain ridiculous men. I don't like the idea of a sperm donor for myself but I am questioning my options, adoption maybe? It makes me nervous thinking will the child bond to me, finding out they're adopted etc. And then there's the whole adoption process that feels a bit intimidating. Currently seeing someone I love to bits but highly doubt they feel the same about me even though I've done feck all to them and they've practically done feck everything to me. Whatever. I'm over it too.

I think some women don't take as many precautions when they're seeing someone and baby just happens. I knew a girl once who was seeing someone for a couple of months then got pregnant - you can't tell me that was planned by both. Either carelessness or she wanted one. In future I'm not going to obsess about doing the right thing so much and think of myself more. Seems to be what everyone else does.

Saying that I had not entirely unprotected but risky sex just over a week ago with the aforementioned so who knows! Will see what Santa brings/doesn't bring!

YANBU to consider it, and it would be wise to consider how to preserve your fertility if you still hope to meet a partner and have children.

I'm now pregnant (42) with my partner, we met when I was 39. If I were 33 again I'd do a fertility MOT and consider freezing eggs.

Check out The Stork and I podcast/Fb/Instagram and the Single/Solo Mother by Choice networks. There are huge and strong communities. Do a bit of research so you can feel more informed about your options.

No reason you can't date in the meantime, but the main thing I'd encourage you to do is live your best life- whether you end up having children solo or with a partner, think about the things you'd love to do now before you have kids - learn a skill, go for a promotion/change jobs, travel to XYZ, take up a sport, climb Kilimanjaro.

Do you have family support around you? Having good role models around within an extended family and or a network of friends with children is helpful as a single parent. It’s very difficult (but possible) to manage completely on your own.

I'm a lone parent of DC with additional needs and no family. Yes it's hard but you just get on with it don't you.

I'm hoping to adopt.

A good friend of mine did this at 38. She now has a seven year old. While she would probably do it again, it has been far harder than she anticipated. Her parents were happy to support her but that has turned into them providing childcare far more often than they anticipated. It has caused some friction between my friend and her parents as all their retirement plans had to be put on hold as they are co-raising their grandchild.

A friend’s dd did just that - ended up with twin girls! Hard going at first even with a lot of help from their granny, but much more plain sailing now.

I do wonder what she’ll tell them if they ask later why they haven’t got a daddy, but then a lot of children have an absent daddy anyway, whether they came from a very brief relationship, or he’s just useless and has buggered off.

There are so many broken families now that being a single parent is no big deal. You have the funds to give them a good lifestyle and that is important.
Better a single parent that can provide than 2 parents relying on benefits.

If you mean donor sperm. Yes I would if I manage financially and had some family to help out. Motherhood is all kinds of amazing. It is hard but it is really the greatest love you’ll experience. I think it’s a shame for women to miss out on it just because they’ve been unlucky in love. You might meet someone later without the pressure of your biological clock ticking

Exactly this. There is a world of difference between anonymous and non anonymous donation.
for example, my children have a birth book full of information about their donor, family trees, extensive interviews, emotional intelligence scores, baby photos, personal handwritten letter explaining why they donated, even a voice clip of them talking.

from a European sperm bank

they will also get identifying information name DOB address when they are 18 (if they choose to) and we speak about this very openly from the very beginning.

we also visit the country where the donor is from so they can see their heritage and learn about it.

I think all of these things protect them from the trauma that others fear about children having an identity crisis or something not knowing anything

OP check out the channel "Precious Stars Vlogs" on YouTube. Run by a solo parent to a donor conceived child, she has documented every stage of the process and goes into detail regarding the financial and health aspects of it all. A mine of (clear, well-researched) information.

Well yes of course you do but I wouldn’t choose it and I think choosing it is a bit mad.

And I’m not talking about ‘choosing’ as in leaving a useless partner. I mean actively saying ‘I want a baby on my own’. Not for me.

OP, you said
"My social media feed is constant engagements, hen dos, weddings, house purchases, honeymoons, newborns, dogs etc. and I am over it."
Nothing stopping you from buying a house or getting a dog.
Are you genuinely broody - or do you want a child for social validation/hit some 'milestone'?

My feed has all that 'family' stuff but is also full of people without kids living their best life! As @Whataretheodds said new jobs around the globe, expensive hobbies (which you can certainly afford if you have the spare cash for single parenthood). Quite a few parents have FOMO upon seeing this.

The grass is always greener.

One loving parent is fine, your child won't have known any different. but have a baby because you want to raise a human being, not because of others.

@gggonewired : what is FOMO?

I dont think having a child via a donor is anymore selfish than women that have children with men they know won't be there or who are already abusive in the relationship.

Agreed that both are selfish.

Think about the child's needs first.

I have two children with a (supportive) partner and have found it very hard work, emotionally and physically. I would definitely not choose to have a child on my own.

One loving parent is fine, your child won't have known any different.

Surely your child will see that most of their friends have two parents?

Surely your child will learn about the biology of having a biological mum and a biological dad?

It's a bit of a stretch sadly these days that most of their friends will have 2 parents these days...maybe they will but some of them might be the same sex, then there will be a whole bunch that are from one parent families...

Excuse me? Children born via sperm donors DO have a biological mum and biological dad. Same as the children of drug addicts, criminals, rapists and abusers.
The difference is that the former has a good life without any generational trauma. Or, in less extreme cases, free from witnessing arguments/going to court/forced visitation with a wastrel of a dad who couldn't care less.
Every day MN is filled with threads of such men, who do as little parenting as possible, or do anything to get out of paying maintenance.

I know two sperm donor born teens and the above is what they see around them. They're grateful to not be in the same situation, rather than 'missing out' as you imply. Especially as kids trundling between two houses, being made to choose between mum/dad etc. The sperm donor kids know they are loved and wanted by mum, they were never rejected by a father unlike the kids with wastrel dads who have more problems due to said rejection.

Women (because only we can give birth) who are capable parents shouldn't be forced to remain childless because they cannot find a suitable man. From what you're saying, it's perfectly fine if she had a one-night stand and reproduced with a random stranger... because then it would have 'two biological parents'.

From what you're saying, it's perfectly fine if she had a one-night stand and reproduce with a random stranger... because then it would have 'two biological parents'.

Not at all. As I said earlier, having a child using a sperm donor has the same effect as having a one night stand or with a man who's not planning to be around.

Sadly, some parents die or leave, but I think the aim should be to have two parents raise the child. It's very hard work, especially if the child has additional needs.

We need to consider what's best for the child imo.

The sperm donor kids know they are loved and wanted by mum, they were never rejected by a father

And sadly many other sperm donor kids do struggle with not having their biological dad around.

I don't think it's selfish and if your child is brought up in a loving supportive environment it doesn't matter if they have one, two or three parents.

If you can manage financially, physically and emotionally then go for it.

They are others in the same boat, maybe you could reach out to some support groups for single mums with donor children and ask them.