Receiving clearly used gift from friend

[Leafygreentea]

Don't know if IBU but I'm pretty miffed at having received this.

A friend visited the other day for a playdate with our children. When they arrived, she handed me a couple of gifts for them. Cue panic from me as we'd never discussed gift giving (we've known each other a few years but this year have seen each other considerably more because our children have become good friends) so this wasn't something we've done previously.

I have a cupboard with a few decent presents in for when parties or whatever crop up, so I don't always have to run around - it's just less stressful having it as a go-to (for times exactly like this!) and so discreetly chose a present for each of her children, wrapped them and gave them to her when she left.

She later text thanking me and said her children loved the presents.

I figured it was probably best to let mine open theirs so that I could sent a reciprocal message back.

It was an item of clothing each, one too small and one 1 year too big. Both clearly used (bobbly and pulled) and smelling of her washing powder. They're obviously her children's old clothes.

She'd said when she handed them over that she had gift receipts for them.... What would you do?

Money not an issue with her - she spends a lot of money on regular treats for herself and family.

We got given a coffee maker on our wedding, from friends who had married two weeks before us. There was a used filter in the machine.... obviously wasn't to their taste 😂

@Leafygreentea If you don't address it with her and just take them to the charity, I would at least tell her not to worry about any further gifts going forward as she may try it again.

If she is generally a good friend and you like her then I would just donate them to the charity shop.

Next year I'd avoid seeing her before Christmas to avoid any potential gift giving.

I don't have masses of friends but I've generally stopped giving gifts because it often gets a bit weird and then you either get someone spending too much or they give you their deceased Granny's old bobbly scarf. I end up overthinking it all and it's just not worth the energy!

I'd ask for the gift receipts just to see what she replies.

Because she specifically said she has the gift receipts I don’t think you’re out of order telling her they’re not suitable and asking for the receipt. Otherwise this might happen every year.

😯

She offered the gift receipt so ask for it.

Seriously?

Some of these posts are breathtakingly transactional. You are not owed a gift from her.

Yes they are shit presents and yes she’s told you a fib for reasons best known to herself. What on earth do you hope to achieve by humiliating her into admitting something she doesn’t want to admit.

She’s behaved like a bit of an idiot but it’s hardly a huge insult. Just accept the gifts with grace and move on.

The friend said she has gift receipts, how is it humiliating to ask for them?

Why should OP buy her presents again?

I wouldn't say anything except' thankyou' and leave it at that. It's all very strange though

@mottytotty

Why should OP buy her presents again?

The whole point of presents is that they are optional. No one has to have them. The OP is not out of pocket she has just been given questionable gifts but it’s not a matter of need.

I agree the friend has been a bit of a dick but deliberately putting her on the spot to prove a petty point is just childish. How does that help either of them?

It helps because the friend won’t give used clothes as gifts again.

The OP is out of pocket by having to give two presents that she could have given to someone else.

So I've messaged her, letting her know that the clothing doesn't fit and politely asking if next time I see her I could please get the gift receipts.

She initially didn't say anything about the too small gift and in reference to the one that's too big, said I can just keep it by until it fits.

I said it'd be nice for them to be worn now, reiterated that one was too small and said I don't mind exchanging them next time I'm at the shops.

She said she'll find the receipts when she returns from a Christmas break away on Thursday....

With regards to the gift cupboard (it's actually a shelf in a cupboard) , it's a selection of maybe half a dozen things that would be suitable for a range of ages/interests. If I see good quality things throughout the year that are a good price/on offer then I'll put it by and keep it topped up. Usually I buy presents for the intended child but I find having a few bits by takes some of the stress out 'just in case'.

If you wanted to be brutal you could ask her to return the gifts that you gave her kids as they were meant for someone else. Tell her you think she got mixed up too seeing as she gave you wrong sized 2nd hand clothes for your kids.

Or say nothing, & keep an eye on her behavior. She could be ill.

If she said she had gift receipts then I would say, "Oh no, the clothes don't fit, ant chance I could have the gift receipts you mentioned?"

I agree. Friend was probably thinking she was doing a nice thing, didn't say they were used as embarrassed and because they were used, didn't give any heads up as wasn't expecting anything back.
It just sounds like a nice idea badly thought out and I personally couldn't get worked up about it.
I don't think she was expecting anything in return and you giving £20+ presents back can't be blamed on her. I understand why you did it but it was your choice.
I'd honestly be slightly annoyed but move on.

Omg some of the advice on here is mind boggling. Maybe she wasn't being tight but forgot to buy a gift so grabbed something she had at home, it doesn't always have to be sinister intentions. Next time you know to give very cheap gifts like she does, and that's it! No need to ruin a friendship or make things awkward over this. Just take note and move on.

OP - I get why you feel the way you do. Logically I'd feel the same.

But I don't really get your response. You've put her in a very awkward corner you know she can't get out of. Why would you do that to a friend at Christmas over gifts? It's just unkind.and unnecessary.

She's clearly someone who likes to gift secondhand items. My brother is the same and it's quite annoying at times as, as you've found, it usually results in unpersonalised, sometimes poor quality gift. But I'd never choose to embarrass someone about it. I just reciprocate, so now I don't go out of my way for my brother.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, but YABU for responding in the way you did. Your friend is probably stressing out now.

I agree with this. Why have you asked for gift receipts you must know she doesn’t have? What’s the end goal here?

I meant to quote the reply above mine!

You've not mentioned if she's a good person/friend normally? Has she been there for you? Done you favours in the past? Been kind to your children? Is she nice, funny, a laugh to be with? Do you even like her? Surely these things matter more than what presents she got your children. Do you not want to keep her as a friend?

It seems like you've let yourself be dragged down to the level of some these spiteful posters who would relish in asking her to produce a gift receipt knowing full well she probably hasn't got one and there are no tags on the items anyway.

Yes her gifting is bizarre, but you've been spiteful here I think. Classy thing to do was say thank you, and next year message in advance to say you are not doing gifts this year but let's go out for a coffee and cake instead.

So she thinks twice next time. You just don't do that and then lie. Its weird when gifts weren't necessary at all.

Nothing more will be said OP. I wouldn't mention it again.

The biggest issue for me was the lie. It didn't need to be said.

I have a low tolerance for liars, especially when it comes from someone who has gained your trust and I suppose - although it was a small one (and in a way especially because it was a small one) - the trust is broken. I just feel disappointed.

It's not that I have high expectations - in fact, I had zero. Some of my children's presents that they'll receive tomorrow are second hand.

If she'd turned up, said 'I know we're not doing presents but I was sorting through the kid's things and there's a couple of bits I thought you might like' that would have been totally lovely. Everything would have been straightforward.

If she'd handed the presents over and said nothing, I would have thought they were a cheeky option but would have said thank you and that would have been the end of it.

It's the fact that completely unprompted and uneccessarily, she said "I have the gift receipts" that's my issue. It makes me uneasy that she can lie and continue to lie when called out on it.

What I would have liked for her to have done when I asked her for the receipts was tell the truth. That's what I wanted to get out of it. For her to be honest and for me to know the first lie was a silly one that had been maybe said in error or whatever. But the fact that she continued the lie just makes me feel a bit sad.

I'll leave it now. Nothing more will be said on the matter, I don't think.

I fully agree with all of this, op.

I would feel exactly as you do.

It is disappointing and it was so unnecessary. I wonder why on earth she did it.

I don't think anybody would do this in a bid to get a free gift for their child

Especially as OP says the woman isn't skint.

I'm guessing she just panicked and didn't want to go empty handed.

Not sure about the fib about gift receipt. That was a bit daft.

Rather than spiteful, I have assumed OP is intelligent enough to know her friend, so we’re led by OP.

OP knows her friend and her instinct is to ask her friend for the gift receipts her friend says she has.

OP feels that her friend has lied and she is right to find out if she has.

I think the spiteful one is the one assuming OP is working out of a place of spite, rather than accepting that OP knows her friend better than we do.