Receiving clearly used gift from friend

[Leafygreentea]

Don't know if IBU but I'm pretty miffed at having received this.

A friend visited the other day for a playdate with our children. When they arrived, she handed me a couple of gifts for them. Cue panic from me as we'd never discussed gift giving (we've known each other a few years but this year have seen each other considerably more because our children have become good friends) so this wasn't something we've done previously.

I have a cupboard with a few decent presents in for when parties or whatever crop up, so I don't always have to run around - it's just less stressful having it as a go-to (for times exactly like this!) and so discreetly chose a present for each of her children, wrapped them and gave them to her when she left.

She later text thanking me and said her children loved the presents.

I figured it was probably best to let mine open theirs so that I could sent a reciprocal message back.

It was an item of clothing each, one too small and one 1 year too big. Both clearly used (bobbly and pulled) and smelling of her washing powder. They're obviously her children's old clothes.

She'd said when she handed them over that she had gift receipts for them.... What would you do?

Money not an issue with her - she spends a lot of money on regular treats for herself and family.

My friend did this, this year. We always have an agreement to not buy gifts & she handed me ones for DC & me. I was mortified as her friend knew about the gifts and had bought nice ones for her DC & I had nothing to give back.

But, I opened the gift & asked where she got the brand of body wash, etc from as I thought the brand was no longer available. She sheepishly admitted they had been in her cupboard for a few years and she was cleaning out! Then that DD's gift was the same, and she meant to give it to her DSD's but didn't see them anymore. Her other friend suffered the same fate.

I just threw it out & decided to not recriprocate. Just like I insisted we don't do gift exchange when DB & his family come up right after Christmas, because he buys the first piece of rubbish he sees in the discount store in a dawn raid, on the day he's arriving.

I match effort for effort.

How old are the children?

Is it possible the gifts were opened and old clothes substituted? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why would she mention gift receipts if she knew the clothes were used?

As she sees your children she oils know their sizes, so it's very odd.

This! She mentioned the gift receipts so it's fine to ask for them. Or just tell her you're worried there's been a mistake as she mentioned gift receipts but the clothes don't have tags on/clearly aren't new...

I'd say one was too small but too big depends on the age of the child, 5-6 for a 4 year old is perfectly reasonable.

She won’t have any gift receipts! There’s not much point asking other than to make a point. Which you might choose to do. I don’t give presents on the bounce so don’t have a gifting stash.

However I’ve received presents from my sister that are clearly things she’s been given but doesn’t want. Odd coloured tights and unheard of brands of body wash. Nothing I actually want. We’ve now agreed not to give. Recycling presents and clothes is a thing in her world but not in mine. We just differ but it was me who spent the money. She just wrapped up tat.

I mixed up presents once (used the same wrapping paper) and gave a new born aged 10 stuff and the 10 year old got the newborn stuff.

I was there for the opening of the first present so able to swap.

Did she see you open the presents?

What would you do?

I would say thank you

How weird! I wouldn't say anything at all, but next year say let's not swap gifts this year and use the money for a trip out together.

Definitely ask her for the gift receipts. She’s conned you for gifts. Never get her anything again.

Same here.

If I'd been feeling brave, I might have said "thank you - I'm afraid I haven't got your DC anything as I didn't realise we were exchanging presents, but that's really kind of you".

If I'd. not been feeling brave, I'd have stuck with "thank you", and would have make a mental note to have some sweets or a little selection box wrapped up next year in case the same thing happened again.

I would say theres a far out possibility she’s got ruffled by Xmas and lost her common sense, eg felt for some reason a need to give you a pressie (Maybe wondered herself on the expectation but didn’t voice it) and did something frantic and last minute and then regretted it in the moment and mentioned the receipt. I’m speculating wildly…. But I guess Xmas can make folks act out of sorts, and unless anything like this happens again - I’d try and forgive and forget for now and see if she is okay (Sorry about your expensive pressies tho).
i don’t think many people have a gift cupboard like that so it doesn’t sound like she did it to trick you etc

I'd just say thankyou, she obviously wasn't expecting gifts back x

Thank her and move on. She’s not a great friend but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be polite.

I'm sorry but I couldn't be the 'better person' in this. She knew what she was doing and the supposed gift receipts are in a pile with the rocking horse shit.

Given that she brought up the receipts and one of the gifts is genuinely too small I would have to ask. You say you've only started being properly friendly this year so nip any further cf-ery in the bud now.

I’d watch out for her behaviour in future and consider lessening contact. If she couldn’t afford presents, there was no need to bring any. Or if she really wanted to give them something, a chocolate bar would have sufficed. But trying to trick you into thinking she’d purchased new clothing for them was - well rather deceitful. And I don’t like deceitful people.

She might have got then from the charity shop and have a gift receipt from the charity shop?

This.

These types of thread are always so interesting because the nuance is always in what‘s not said. OP asks what to do / is it unreasonable but it’s all in the context.

Is this a lovely good friend who wanted to do something nice and then had a last minute embarassment and lied about gift receipts? Or are they a show off one-upper who was making a point about bringing a gift?

Clearly it’s weird behaviour. Some of my mates if they did this i would never mention it again but just sort of consider it too weird to move on from. Others i’d see they were trying to be kind in a weird way and also not mention but because i didn’t want to embarrass them. Depends on the context.

i’ve been gifted weird clearly regifted stuff by mates over the years but always felt it was a mate who just wanted to be kind (but not so kind as to spend their own actual money ha) so no worries.

the gift was probably just a token gesture, not a big thing. It’s not necessary to do anything, personally I’d give them to a charity shop if unwanted. If your friend is kind but disorganised, then then it was clearly given with a good heart.

I've come across a few people who are well off and re-gift as they're just really stingy. None of them were particularly nice people, and all had issues. Was she hoping for a nice gift from you so that she could re-gift it to someone else, or just after a nice free Christmas present for her children.

It's the lying about gift receipts that would piss me off- otherwise I'd just assume she had bought them from a charity shop and washed them, which wouldn't bother me (although a bit odd if they weren't in very good condition). I would ask for the gift receipts due to wrong sizes, then watch her try to wriggle out of it. Serves her right for lying!

Ask for the gift receipts. That’s what you do if something doesn’t fit. If she lied about them then that’s her problem not yours. It will stop her doing this again, so you’ll be doing her a favour really and saving her from other friends who might not be so polite about something like this.

I think she’s got caught up in Xmas expectations and panicked.

I personally would say thank you and then give the clothes to a charity shop if you don’t want them. And then I would move on

You weren't expecting a gift so you're not exactly any worse off?
I personally don't gift second hand items but the thought was still there wasn't it and that's what counts.
I don't really understand why you're so bothered about this. She's tried to do DRO thing nice.

Nice thing**