Receiving clearly used gift from friend

[Leafygreentea]

Don't know if IBU but I'm pretty miffed at having received this.

A friend visited the other day for a playdate with our children. When they arrived, she handed me a couple of gifts for them. Cue panic from me as we'd never discussed gift giving (we've known each other a few years but this year have seen each other considerably more because our children have become good friends) so this wasn't something we've done previously.

I have a cupboard with a few decent presents in for when parties or whatever crop up, so I don't always have to run around - it's just less stressful having it as a go-to (for times exactly like this!) and so discreetly chose a present for each of her children, wrapped them and gave them to her when she left.

She later text thanking me and said her children loved the presents.

I figured it was probably best to let mine open theirs so that I could sent a reciprocal message back.

It was an item of clothing each, one too small and one 1 year too big. Both clearly used (bobbly and pulled) and smelling of her washing powder. They're obviously her children's old clothes.

She'd said when she handed them over that she had gift receipts for them.... What would you do?

Money not an issue with her - she spends a lot of money on regular treats for herself and family.

Well the least I would do is say they are the wrong sizes and can she change the sizes for you? I am not one to let things get away though. As I got older I am less tolerant to cheek.

Think I would be a bit more brazen -

Please could I have the gift receipts as they are the wrong sizes and don't fit. I'm a bit confused though as they don't have tags on and look worn?

It is the dishonesty. It means the trust is gone, and without that then relationships are devalued in my eyes.

I guess it depends what you would be hoping to achieve with your response. If you want to call it out or embarrass her then perhaps ask for the gift receipt.

It sounds like very strange behaviour but I think I would just let it go. She didn’t suggest exchanging gifts in advance and didn’t ask you to give anything to her children in return.

Assuming you said thank you when she handed over the gifts, I wouldn’t message with any further thanks or acknowledgment of the gifts. Just chuck them in the rag bag and ignore. If she’s crazy enough to ask when you next see her, I’d just say that they didn’t fit and move the conversation on. Next year I’d either just mention in advance that you’d rather not exchange gifts, or perhaps just wrap up a couple of selection boxes to have ready if she turns up with gifts again.

If she’s otherwise a pleasant friend or acquaintance, I think I’d just file this under there being nowt as queer as folk and all that.

I think it' more bizarre you felt you had to give a gift back. Just say thanks and move on and pass the clothes to a charity shop.

My ex sister in law still continues to give me used gifts and I find it really upsetting.

This year I've not sent any cards or presents for their family birthdays in the hope it will actually stop now.

We've been divorced for 7 years and he's remarried and I never hear from her outside of this gift giving so god knows why she still continues with it.

I did think about just wrapping up what she gave me last year and giving it back but I can't bring myself to do it.

I couldn’t bring myself to say thank you in this situation. I think I would ask for the gift receipts! Very odd behaviour from a friend.

I'd say, they lovely but too small/big for them. Would you mind exchanging them after Christmas? Then leave it to her to sort out. No more gifts in the future.

This is not something I’d give any thought to or presume needed sorting out. However If I had to give it some thought, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Id assume she’s probably rushing round getting ready for Xmas and a bit overwhelmed. It’s a token gift so it really is the thought that counts.

Yes agree - being able to accept graciously and not feel the knee jerk to 'reciprocate' is a really valuable skill.

And no don't rub her nose in it by asking for receipts, that would not be helpful or kind.

I'm intrigued about the random gift cupboard. How many things are in there and what value? Do you pick things up when on offer? Missing the point, I know.

But I am worse off.... I'm two decent presents down that cost me about £20 that I didn't need to give.

If I'd known she was going to give us anything, I'd have asked not to do presents but as it was, I was caught off guard by her gift giving and subsequently gave return presents so as to not look rude. Presents which would have gone to other children eventually and that I now have to replace.

I also need to take her gifts to the charity shop, which is effort I didn't need to go to had she either a not gifted or b, gifted something of use to my children.

You didn't need to give them presents.

This is what I'd do.

Blimey, I'd rather have no present at all than used, worn clothes which are very obviously the wrong size. WTF is wrong with people?

Just donate them. I don't know why someone would do this but I'd question their decision making skills at the very least. I don't leave my kids alone with other people anyway but this is strange enough I'd really not trust them with my kids. Plus she lied?! So crazy! I've had plenty of gifts that were hand me downs, but they weren't wrapped and told me they were used. So it's not a bad thing and I always donate what doesn't work for us. I'm pretty sure mothers have done this since the beginning of time. I always try to do second hand in all things. But this is on another level and totally weird.

Agreed I'd offer to give them to her to exchange as she mentioned gift receipts.

Now she may replace stuff herself for right sizes or never bother but it's on her.

Used old clothing that doesn't fit isn't a Xmas gift (but a kind offer if you wanted that size and they were offloading their used stuff)

I was caught off guard by her gift giving and subsequently gave return presents so as to not look rude

You aren't rude not to buy a present for someone who you've never exchanged gifts with before and they surprise you. Just say thank you and leave it at that.

Next year make it very clear you aren't doing gifts. This ridiculous tit for tat isn't the glue that keeps friendships together as demonstrated by this thread.

Maybe she has a recipt because was from a charity shop?
I'd just suck it up.. your children will be getting plenty of gifts tomorrow.

Just ask for the gift receipt that she offered

I would ask for the receipt.

I would also be very clear that you are not doing gifts any longer.

Years ago a friend claimed to have posted me a gift. It didn't turn up and then there was the convoluted exchange about tracking numbers. I never did get the gift. Not getting a gift wouldn't have bothered me it was all the nonsense. I didn't bother after that.

If she offered a gift receipt then message her to say that would be great thanks as they dont fit/suit.

And say not to worry about gifts next year.

They might be from a charity shop and she has a receipt. I've been in a charity shop when someone has come in and returned an item before!

Her behaviour is very bizarre and unkind if she could have afforded nice gifts instead of giving you used ones.

Is she normally a good friend to you? You have two choices:

1. forget it and don’t mention it again if she is normally a good friend to you and if you don’t want to cause waves. Tell her no more present giving because you are not in a position to reciprocate and don’t ever gift the family anything else.
2. call her out on this and ask for the receipts so you can exchange. She might have bought them in a charity shop and that is the receipt she is referring to.

In the friendship are you usually the buyer eg coffees when you go out etc or is she normally a decent friend who pays her way? Have a think about her past behaviour. If it is a one off and you value her friendship then it might be worth you letting it go (and a lesson learned not to gift anything to them again). 💐

They could be charity shop gifts rather than her child’s so she could exchange? Would normally have a tag on though. Me and my SIL give some second had gifts (but by mutual agreement). And I have been known to regift some children’s presents when we have an excess / duplicate etc