AIBU DH can’t handle time with family

[peacockshrimp]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tough one, but I feel lost on where I stand and can use different pov.

DH and I have a three year old and a four month old. I’m currently on mat leave but otherwise we both work full time in demanding jobs - his a lot more demanding and he earns x4 what I do. As a result, I’m usually alone with the kids, as we have no family in the UK.

DH is home after bedtime so doesn’t tend to see the kids on weekdays, I’m struggling alone especially now that it’s harder to spend time outside, and decided to spend two months back home with family. While he of course doesn’t like it, DH is aware I had a horrid time on my first mat leave alone, and ‘fine’ with me and kids being away.
He is currently with us for Christmas for a two week break and it’s not going well. He isn’t used to being around family or how challenging it is to take care of an energetic three year old + baby. He is very unhappy and complaining constantly. I’m finding it hard to deal with his emotional state and resentful of his attitude- it’s obviously tough but people do have children and carry on without outbursts etc.

Question is… am i forcing an unfair situation on him by being here with family, and therefore he’s right to be upset, or am i rightfully resentful of his attitude?

Do you ever get a minute just the 2 of you?

I think he is being unfair BTW, but I can understand it cos being round young kids is draining.

I also think that not seeing the kids in weekdays is a bad move. Can he change his working pattern to be more present/involved?

I don't think many people would want to spend two weeks with their in-laws.

He just needs to “suck it up” just like you do when you’re shouldering the parental load.

Just close your ears to his whinging and don’t let it get to you. He’s being pathetic.

Dh really struggles when we sued to stay with inlaws. He didn't cope very well and felt under a spot light all the time with his parenting.

Regardless of h8s higher earnings and long working hours, if he treasured you and the children, he’d find more time with you all than he currently does.
Sounds like he just wants to do his own thing and feels trapped at the in-laws.
Hes not going to get any better. Over the years, he will continue to be immature and resentful and you will feel bitter about him.

2 weeks is a long time with the in-laws but equally the fact that both your lives change when you become parents seems to have passed him by as he seems to have abdicated all parenting to you and thought he could carry on as before.

I mean, two weeks with family is intense, but I would expect him to suck it up and be spending as much positive time with his kids as possible, because A. Surely he misses them...?
B. To give you a break as you're doing such a massive chunk of childcare by yourself?
It's understandable to feel a bit overwhelmed, but then he has chosen to have two children on top of a demanding job...
He's other being very fair on you or the kids, you've literally had to live separately for two months to cope, so he's only had to look after himself for two months he's had plenty of time to mentally prepare himself for this!!

What would he choose out of the following?

Stay with the ILs and suck it up and behave like a decent human being.

Go home, be on your own as a family and pull his weight doing at least 50% of everything.

He sounds like a spoilt, overgrown teenager who is failing to acknowledge that your family are essentially carrying him when it comes to parenting.

You've had 2 kids with a man that does zero parenting. Don't have a third. In this case you are going to be away for 2 months though so a normal father would want to spend time with his family. Your dh though doesn't actually do any parenting, he's absolved himself of all but financial responsibility and you've allowed it. Your set up is not conducive to a happy family life.

This is true, pre children we were both supportive of each others careers and post 1st, I’m responsible for childcare as his job is “more important” due to his earnings. Looking purely at facts and figures this is correct, but I’m also in an intense role and finding it very hard to cope.
His role does not allow flexibility so he wouldn’t be able to do 50%, but even on weekends he needs rest time etc so i’m usually taking kids outside to give him quiet time.

He doesn't need rest time, he thinks he's owed it because of his big important job. When is your rest time? When does he take the kids away to give you a break?

He is the father of two small children. He is also a complete CF for complaining about his children. Sounds like he does not feel he should have any responsibility for running the family. As for him having quiet time, these guys piss me off - because they usually dont feel their wives need it.

So when does he want to be a father, a parent, a proper partner?

He sounds pretty useless. My DH is the higher earner and works very long hours (until midnight is the norm; last night he was on a call that started at 12.30am). He still manages to do bedtime most days and tries to read with our 4 year old 5 or 6 days a week. It means he works a bit later at night but it's a sacrifice he wants to make. He also has a 'thing' he does with DS every Sunday morning so that they get time together.

What’s the plan for when you go back to work? Presumably you won’t have the freedom to go and stay with family for a couple of months then. You’ll be doing most of what you’re doing now plus a job too.

Anyway, YANBU at all.

He shouldn't have had children if he doesn't bother with them most of the time and complains when he sees them.
His big important job needs to pay for help when you go back to work, don't you dare let him get away with not covering childcare, your job is as important, you need to pay into your pension, maintain your career, he needs to get over his self importance, he made choices, he can't absolve himself.

Hand him the world’s tiniest violin. I don’t know why you’re walking on eggshells around him.

You do this day in and out and he’s complaining about spending 2 weeks with his own children.

Does he not realise how offensive he is to moan about it when it’s your reality every day, on mat leave and even on weekends.

He needs to have the kids more on weekends, OP, he’s got use to do doing fuck all.

It seems to be really common - so many threads on here about men not parenting.

I'd be interested to know if pre children he used to finish work so late? Apparently it's common for men to pretend to work late to avoid helping at bed time. Also common to suddenly need to stay over night in hotels.

Can you afford a nanny or nursery for eldest part of the week to give you a break?

He should go out cycling, golfing or fishing. Also common hobbies which involve whole afternoons out the house....

Why are you spending two weeks with your folks and not in your own home?

is it because he won't parent?

@EmmaEmerald I’m abroad staying with my family for two months. DH is over for two weeks as we couldn’t go back and forth out of country with two little ones

@converseandjeans he has always worked long hours (12 hours+), it was better the last few years and we expected he could be home for kids bedtime but he switched roles six months ago, ending up at a more intense company.
i don’t doubt he really is at work, although wouldn’t be surprised if i found out he doesn’t rush home to cover bedtime mayhem on some days..

we can afford childcare - older DS is normally at nursery but with birth of baby brother he has been very needy / refusing to go, so i’m making allowances until i return to work. when i return to work i’ll hire help on some evenings too.
i haven’t had a day / evening off since pre-covid so definitely need to create structure to help. unfortunately it doesn’t look like DH can be a part of that.

Oh I see

two weeks with ILs is very hard though.

This whole situation doesn’t feel like a functional relationship at all. You aren’t actually a family. You are are single parent and he’s just a financial provider. He doesn’t actually like being with his kids, by the sound of it, and you just being with your parents for a couple of months and him ‘visiting’, so seeing his wife and kids can only happen in his in-laws’ house, is just a recipe for tension. It’s insane that you can never just chill as a family. It’s if you barely know each other, and you can’t get to know each other because you’ve got your parents/his in-laws there.

I’m appalled on your behalf OP and sad that you have such low expectations of your life partner and the father of your children. He is literally doing nothing to raise his children.
He works , but offers no physical or emotional involvement in their upbringing. He avoids time with them and complains on the rare occasion he sees them.
What a sad and lonely childhood

Basically this.