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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH can’t handle time with family

53 replies

peacockshrimp · 23/12/2023 17:54

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tough one, but I feel lost on where I stand and can use different pov.

DH and I have a three year old and a four month old. I’m currently on mat leave but otherwise we both work full time in demanding jobs - his a lot more demanding and he earns x4 what I do. As a result, I’m usually alone with the kids, as we have no family in the UK.

DH is home after bedtime so doesn’t tend to see the kids on weekdays, I’m struggling alone especially now that it’s harder to spend time outside, and decided to spend two months back home with family. While he of course doesn’t like it, DH is aware I had a horrid time on my first mat leave alone, and ‘fine’ with me and kids being away.
He is currently with us for Christmas for a two week break and it’s not going well. He isn’t used to being around family or how challenging it is to take care of an energetic three year old + baby. He is very unhappy and complaining constantly. I’m finding it hard to deal with his emotional state and resentful of his attitude- it’s obviously tough but people do have children and carry on without outbursts etc.

Question is… am i forcing an unfair situation on him by being here with family, and therefore he’s right to be upset, or am i rightfully resentful of his attitude?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 19:29

Whereas I think spending two weeks living at the inlaws would be incredibly challenging for most of us, before you throw into the mix the fact he isn't used to being around the dc 24/7 and probably feels very uncomfortable and that his parenting is being judged......

I can't get my head around this but even on weekends he needs rest time etc so i’m usually taking kids outside to give him quiet time.

That's ridiculous. If I were unfortunate enough to not see my dc at all during the week, then the weekends I would be doing everything I could to spend as many waking hours as possible with them. The very idea that somehow he needs to 'rest' (and you don't ??? Hmm) and is happy with you taking the dc out so he can 'rest' is just bizarre.

There's not much you can do about the 2 weeks you are now committed to (except not repeat them) but there is a LOT you can do about him opting out of parenting completely.

Dontbeme · 23/12/2023 19:35

I would be considering staying put with my family in these circumstances, he doesn't see the kids during the week, you have to take them out at weekends so he can have "rest", so when is he an involved parent? Where is your rest time OP? What is the point of him and his big important man-job? OP where is your practical support with the kids and emotional support as a spouse? What will happen if you burn out and cannot keep going at this pace, or if you have an illness or accident that means you need practical support? Will he just expect you to go on even if detrimental to yourself.

wooooowwww · 23/12/2023 19:38

This type of DH really p me off.

They seem to think parenting is a breeze for whoever is at home with DC, until they have to do it, then it's the most difficult thing anyone has ever done.

I say this from experience.

We had an 18 month old and a newborn, due to renovations we ended up living with my parents through Covid. DH acted like a complete tosser.

As soon as we were home I ensured he got plenty of child time and I started going out as much as post Covid restrictions would allow.

He's much better now but still loves to complain about his workload/parenting etc.

My stock answer these days is no one forced you to take the job/be a parent/whatever else he's complaining about

OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2023 19:39

OP you’re essentially a single parent. What is this man bringing to your relationship besides money? He doesn’t have a relationship with his children, doesn’t take the burden from you at weekends, and is resentful of 2 weeks with his family? Life is short, too short to spend with someone like this!

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2023 19:41

So basically he spends almond time with his children so has no idea how full on it is? And isn’t coping? Pity about him, as my grandmother would say.

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 19:43

I agree with @ManateeFair too.

DidiAskYouThough · 23/12/2023 19:43

Wtf? He’s not a husband, he doesn’t parent, ever. He’s just some guy very occasionally around who, brings in money? I don’t understand the point, this is not a marriage and he’s not a parent.

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 19:49

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 19:20

Oh I see

two weeks with ILs is very hard though.

Show quote history

🎻🎻🎻

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 20:06

Complaining constantly? He's worse than the toddler.

I think the marriage is doomed because of his bad attitude, OP. I'm really sorry but I don't think he's going to get any better than this.

Olika · 23/12/2023 20:10

Is his actual problem staying with in-laws or having to parent and be present with his two kids and wife?

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 23/12/2023 20:38

If he cant handle time with dc then he can't. There's no point in anyone saying what he should be able to do.

The question is, does he want to? Does he want to be part of the family or does he just want to earn the money and have you bring up the kids? If the former, you need a constructive conversation and a plan for him becoming a parent, this may well mean he has to change his job so he has time to parent.

If the latter, how do you feel about that? Lots of women are perfectly happy in that situation although they are generally sahm not women with a challenging career. It could work for you with a nanny, cleaner, etc if he won't step up and you don't want to leave him.

DidiAskYouThough · 23/12/2023 21:24

OPs posts clearly show he is actively going out of his way to avoid his kids and the OP, so not much point in asking ‘does he want to’.

GreatGateauxsby · 23/12/2023 21:46

i don’t doubt he really is at work, although wouldn’t be surprised if i found out he doesn’t rush home to cover bedtime mayhem on some days..

He needs to commit to one or two days a week…. And he does bedtime solo.

i have a full on job and work with guys whose jobs are 3 x the pressure of mine….
everyone with small kids has blocked periods. so I will work up to 10.30pm with notice but my calendar is blocked 5.30-7.30pm every mon wed and fri.
my DHs is blocked from 6-7.30 every day

he also needs a morning activity on Sat or Sunday where he solo parents.
going to the playground and grabbing a coffee….
breakfast out with the kids…
a little round the shops for a few token bits…
whatever….

But he won’t get better without practice…all you can do it create opportunities for him to practice and not bail him out.

Separately it can’t be all stick and no carrot.
his job prob is stressy and having small kids is relentless in general.
date night or a night away can work miracles in terms of reuniting you as a team and stopping resentment creeping in.

I will remind myself of this sage wisdom in 3 months when I have 2 under 2 🙈😂

if he just IS NOT INTERESTED you have some unpalatable and tough choices to make….

brainworms · 23/12/2023 21:48

He needs to grow the fuck up. Christ. What a massive baby.

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 21:49

He sounds completely pathetic. Why did he bother to have the Dc if he spends no time with them and can't look after them???

What do when's look like? Surely he gives you a lie-in and looks after the dc then?

If not, why not?!

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 21:49

*weekends look like, that should say!

Jk987 · 23/12/2023 21:53

Two weeks with the in-laws over Xmas BUT he gets several weeks at home alone with unlimited sleep while baby is no doubt in the 4 month sleep regression. He gets to have heaps of me time while you manage both kids yourself. I think I know who has the better deal.

WhimsicalMoth · 23/12/2023 21:57

I mean, I would rather die than spend 2 weeks with my in laws. Honestly, I would. Maybe it would be a better atmosphere if it was just the 4 of you together, in your home. I know it's too late for that now. But it might explain his behaviour/feelings?

PaminaMozart · 23/12/2023 22:02

I echo what others have said, which basically boils down to this: this man does not want to be a parent.

One day you will get sick of this, and you'll leave him. You will have sacrificed career progression, increased earnings and pension contributions. So you need to be smart.

Make sure he pays for all the help you need to keep your family functioning and prevent you burning out. I'd also ask him to fund additional pension investments for you, so you are not disadvantaged compared to him - be it via ISAs or a SIPP.

DidiAskYouThough · 24/12/2023 06:56

@hellsBells246 OP wrote she takes the kids out at weekends to give this man quiet time.
Why aren't people reading OPs posts?

hellsBells246 · 24/12/2023 10:41

DidiAskYouThough · 24/12/2023 06:56

@hellsBells246 OP wrote she takes the kids out at weekends to give this man quiet time.
Why aren't people reading OPs posts?

I did see that, thanks. I was wondering if he does anything to redeem himself at weekends, if he does any parenting when he's had his 'quiet time'. I think I can guess the answer, though.

betterangels · 24/12/2023 10:44

ManateeFair · 23/12/2023 19:22

This whole situation doesn’t feel like a functional relationship at all. You aren’t actually a family. You are are single parent and he’s just a financial provider. He doesn’t actually like being with his kids, by the sound of it, and you just being with your parents for a couple of months and him ‘visiting’, so seeing his wife and kids can only happen in his in-laws’ house, is just a recipe for tension. It’s insane that you can never just chill as a family. It’s if you barely know each other, and you can’t get to know each other because you’ve got your parents/his in-laws there.

I thought this as well.

FloweryName · 24/12/2023 10:50

I don’t work as many hours as your DH and there’s no way I’d want the entirety of my Christmas time off to be spend away from home and saying with in laws.

He wouldn’t be the first father who is a good provider and a wonderful Dad in many ways to find the baby and toddler years particularly difficult and it’s not as if he’s got any opportunity to bond with his new baby if OP has left the country and he’s surrounded by in laws in the only time he gets with his children.

I can understand you staying with family for your mat leave, but two weeks is long enough that you could have come home for Christmas.

Takenoprisoner · 24/12/2023 11:25

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 19:29

Whereas I think spending two weeks living at the inlaws would be incredibly challenging for most of us, before you throw into the mix the fact he isn't used to being around the dc 24/7 and probably feels very uncomfortable and that his parenting is being judged......

I can't get my head around this but even on weekends he needs rest time etc so i’m usually taking kids outside to give him quiet time.

That's ridiculous. If I were unfortunate enough to not see my dc at all during the week, then the weekends I would be doing everything I could to spend as many waking hours as possible with them. The very idea that somehow he needs to 'rest' (and you don't ??? Hmm) and is happy with you taking the dc out so he can 'rest' is just bizarre.

There's not much you can do about the 2 weeks you are now committed to (except not repeat them) but there is a LOT you can do about him opting out of parenting completely.

All of this and what everyone else has said. He has fully checked out of being a father and husband.

also, he chose to take a more high pressured job just a few months ago, what did you both think would be the outcome?

Takenoprisoner · 24/12/2023 11:29

Those saying he is finding it hard to bond with his dc whilst at in laws haven't read op's posts properly. This pathetic man doesn't even bother with his dc much on the weekends, op has to go out with dc to give him a break. Op has gone away for 2 months for her own sake, as she needs the help and company, neither of which the husband is providing.

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