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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

training my sons to be good husbands for their future spouses through the medium of laundry

71 replies

LittleFishyEyes · 23/12/2023 12:03

Is this really my job? I thought it was just to bring them up as good people, kind to others and respectful of their elders.

I don't know why but a comment from a friend has really riled me. She has said that now my DC are at university I should be focusing my parenting on 'training' them to be good husbands. Specifically to do the laundry. The implication was that because, when they are home I tend to do the laundry, I am failing as a parent.

Note: When they're away they wash their stuff but frankly I don't want my giant young people clogging up my laundry system. Plus I want to spoil them a little.

So what has really annoyed me is this idea that I am somehow responsible for the happiness of my future D/SIL in this way. I don't know what it is - ?misogynistic ?patriarchal. Surely my DC are responsible for how they behave. Not me. Blaming your parents for who you are seems a deeply selfish thing to do and also a way of avoiding any responsibility for one's own actions.

I look forward to welcoming future D/SIL to the family as and when (and if) this happens but I categorically refuse to accept that things that are lacking are somehow my fault.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Daisies12 · 23/12/2023 12:05

I think it is good parenting to ensure all teens can be fully self sufficient and do their share of all household tasks. Especially boys

ThreeTreeHill · 23/12/2023 12:07

Of course it was your job as parents (including their father) to teach them to be good competent adults and yes demonstrate that things like laundry are not the woman's job. 18 is probably a bit late to instill this idea though

Given how many men seem to 'not notice' mess/housework/laundry I think this is quite key in raising decent men

ThreeTreeHill · 23/12/2023 12:08

Also just as important to teach our daughters not to put up with shitty men who expect their wife/mother to do their laundry

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/12/2023 12:11

I don't think it's your job to train your sons to be good future spouses.

However, I do think it's your job to teach your kids to function as competent and self-sufficient adults who don't have any misplaced expectations that the magic laundry fairy or housework fairy will pick up jobs that they should really be doing themselves.

minicheddars87 · 23/12/2023 12:13

It's always a good idea to teach both boys and girls to be able to look after themselves. I guess this extends to being good potential spouses who aren't lazy and need their partners to mother/father them.

I wouldn't say it's fully your responsibility to do this as when their adults they should really have the drive to do this themselves but I think it's certainly a good idea to at the very least heavily encourage it.

Ultimately if they end up learning the lesson that someone else will always do the chores, cooking etc for them then you have to come to terms with the fact that they learned that behaviour somewhere...

WillowCraft · 23/12/2023 12:14

Laundry maybe not the main issue I mean it's so easy to use a washing machine it hardly counts as work. But yes, any deficiencies in your sons' domestic abilities and attitudes are of course down to you and their father. Who else is going to teach them?

Make sure they know how to wash up, clean the bathroom, hoover, clean windows, cook for the family, and take responsibility for keeping their living space tidy. Make sure they don't leave a trail of biscuits wrappers and dirty socks in their wake, make sure they put their own rubbish in the bin, the laundry in the basket, their dishes by the sink. You need to start when they are toddlers though - not sure a lot can be done at 18!

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 23/12/2023 12:14

I think you definitely have a strong influence in how your children treat future partners.
Mostly by modelling desired behaviour at home. So yes, they should take their turn at laundry, as should your DH; they should think to cook/clear up without being asked; likewise hoovering etc.

You can still spoil them - make their favourite meals when it’s your turn to cook - whatever. But they all need to stand on their own 2 feet.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/12/2023 12:15

Do they know how to do laundry?
do they do other household chores when they’re home and you do the laundry?

I think it’s our job to bring them up to be fully functioning adults, which means knowing how to do laundry and to know that expecting someone else to be the laundry fairy is not on.

Mine don’t do laundry when they are home, but two of them take over the cooking (and by that I mean planning, shopping and cooking) and one takes over the cleaning because that’s what they enjoy. DH does the laundry as he finds it relaxing. They could do the laundry and have done when DH was I’ll, or any other part of the housework and know you have to work with the people you live with rather than expect to be waited on, and I think that’s what’s important.

Twelveisthebestnumber · 23/12/2023 12:16

Whilst I didn't consider my DSS's future wife at all, I did consider it important to ensure he could cook at least 5 meals well, knew how to clean, use a washing machine and how to iron. When he arrived at Uni he ended up being the star of the flat as he was the only one who could cook. Made him very popular...☺️!!

Berthatydfil · 23/12/2023 12:19

My children (both sexes) know how to use a washing machine, dry clothes and iron them.

That is equipping them with life skills.

Also I hate ironing dont do my own clothes if I can avoid it and certainly dont do any other competent adults..

Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 23/12/2023 12:20

They can and do do laundry, cook and clean. Wherever possible their Dad and I model appropriate behaviour of course.

My issue is the implication that I am doing it for the benefit of a future partner and if that relationship is failing in some way it will also be my fault.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 23/12/2023 12:21

ThreeTreeHill · 23/12/2023 12:08

Also just as important to teach our daughters not to put up with shitty men who expect their wife/mother to do their laundry

Well said and very true

TheIsleOfTheLost · 23/12/2023 12:22

Surely if they have been away at uni, they know how to use a washing machine? No point in everyone washing their own stuff on half loads and having to queue.

Spendonsend · 23/12/2023 12:23

I am with you. Adults can blame their parents for this kind of thing for a few weeks and then they need to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions.

Winterknights · 23/12/2023 12:24

Daisies12 · 23/12/2023 12:05

I think it is good parenting to ensure all teens can be fully self sufficient and do their share of all household tasks. Especially boys

Absolutely this.

I left home clueless about anything domestic. My Mum had good intentions, she was almost literally brought up to be a domestic slave so didn’t want that for me, but I do want my kids to know how to manage a household.

Plus, I don’t have time for it all so they have to pitch in.

I also don’t want my sons to be the husbands of the future moaned about on Mumsnet. I would like them to have an awareness that women tend to do more domestic stuff and that’s not fair if both partners work.

stayathomer · 23/12/2023 12:25

Same goes for girls- I wish my mum hadn’t done so much for us!!! I learned everything living away in college, I’m a crap cook even now so that’s not going to change but washing wise etc, had no clue!!

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 12:25

Doing basic housework isn’t being a ‘good’ anything it’s just normal.

I hate to say that I do think too many adults baby their sons or at the very least present housework to be ‘woman’s work’ - please don’t think that has an affect. It does

stayathomer · 23/12/2023 12:26

Ps yes I’d be a bit pissed off too, when you have boys people feel the need to let you know you have to make sure they don’t grow up to be ‘x, y and z’, do they think we don’t spend our time parenting at all?!

Christmassss · 23/12/2023 12:27

I think it’s part of parenting to teach your DC life skills such as budgeting, cooking, laundry, changing the bedding, speaking on the phone, table manners, making appointments etc etc.

Laiste · 23/12/2023 12:28

I think that BOTH PARENTS of boys have a responsibility to model that certain jobs aren't 'wife work'.

Laundry, cleaning the loo, hoovering, remembering all the family birthdays and writing all the bloody family cards ect.

If anything, i'd say it's the father's job to model doing these things.

Much of this stuff is so subtle and ingrained as typical women's work we don't know we're doing it or perpetuating the madness.

Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 23/12/2023 12:29

Christmassss · 23/12/2023 12:27

I think it’s part of parenting to teach your DC life skills such as budgeting, cooking, laundry, changing the bedding, speaking on the phone, table manners, making appointments etc etc.

Absolutely. But is it your job to make sure they are 'good husbands' surely some of that responsibility/blame lies with them.

OP posts:
Riverstep · 23/12/2023 12:32

Is gender really relevant? Everyone should know how to do the boring household tasks we are all stuck with in adulthood. Nothing wrong with doing it for them when home from uni though. I would. Preparing sons for their future wives has never even entered my head. Relationships aren’t all the same and it will be up to them to navigate what works in their household when the time comes.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 23/12/2023 12:33

I think you are reading too much into it OP.

I tried really hard to teach DS about laundry but he is still—disgusting— hopeless.

However, he’s a fantastic and willing cook. I will claim some credit for encouraging both DD and DS to understand how to look after themselves properly, but the fine detail is down to them.

DD can’t boil an egg.

rwalker · 23/12/2023 12:33

You need to arm and train all your kids with basic life skills like this irrespective of gender

rather than stereotyping and presuming they’ll be useless be there male

Isheabastard · 23/12/2023 12:35

I think there is a big difference between knowing how to launder your clothes (including ironing) and also knowing it’s a chore to be shared 50/50 with whoever you are in a relationship with.

My personal goal is to encourage young women who are starting a relationship to never expect less than this.

If your son’s future relationship does fail because of not sharing chores, it won’t be your failure but his. It would only be your failure if you actively encouraged him to let his partner take all the load. However, I would contend that his future happiness, and yours by default, could come down to this.

So I personally would encourage them that sharing chores is an act of love and it goes both ways.