training my sons to be good husbands for their future spouses through the medium of laundry

[LittleFishyEyes]

Is this really my job? I thought it was just to bring them up as good people, kind to others and respectful of their elders.

I don't know why but a comment from a friend has really riled me. She has said that now my DC are at university I should be focusing my parenting on 'training' them to be good husbands. Specifically to do the laundry. The implication was that because, when they are home I tend to do the laundry, I am failing as a parent.

Note: When they're away they wash their stuff but frankly I don't want my giant young people clogging up my laundry system. Plus I want to spoil them a little.

So what has really annoyed me is this idea that I am somehow responsible for the happiness of my future D/SIL in this way. I don't know what it is - ?misogynistic ?patriarchal. Surely my DC are responsible for how they behave. Not me. Blaming your parents for who you are seems a deeply selfish thing to do and also a way of avoiding any responsibility for one's own actions.

I look forward to welcoming future D/SIL to the family as and when (and if) this happens but I categorically refuse to accept that things that are lacking are somehow my fault.

AIBU?

Anyone who has suggests this to you is batshit, but what you have reported in your first post doesn't do this.

As a parent of girls i feel i have a responsibility to make sure they look for respect and to expect equality with their partners.

Surely a parent of boys should be supporting that way of thinking too?

So many young men are still entering relationships with women expecting them to take over where their mothers have left off. It's time to break that chain.

We have to train our children to become independent and decent people. That is the job. Through doing that then they should then have good positive relationships, not just with future spouses but with work colleagues, friends, and even family. Nobody likes a spoilt brat.

My ex was terrible and made a terrible partner - he had a great personality and we got on but he was so used to him mum doing it all for him and getting his own way. He would tell me “I just need a woman to do the cooking” when we both lived independently. I once went to his flat - I had a spare key and didn’t tell him I was coming over and there was a woman cooking “for him”. Apparently that is all it was because I didn’t cook for him!!

My partner at the moment is independent but because he always has been. He is close to his mum - but she didn’t spoil him. He does more ironing than me! Because he cares about his clothes. When he was at uni he learned to cook from his mum and he makes his own food. If he doesn’t know how to do something he will ask.

The same goes for daughters.

If you brought them up right they will be good partners, if they're not it means you didn't. I don't think you should be "training" them, your friend sounds like a bit of a bigot to be honest.

It is ridiculous to think a mother should "train her sons to be a good husband" and sounds like something from a Victorian agony aunt, or "Mary Marryat Advises".

I don't know so much about 'future partners', but DS2 had to teach a lot of his fellow students how to use a washing machine and an oven when he went off to Uni. He told me all this in a 'I can't BELIEVE they didn't know how to do it!' tone of surprised disbelief.

I laughed for a quite a long time afterwards, because he resisted learning how to cook or use a washing machine for most of his teenage years, and was only forced to learn when I flatly refused to do it for him - causing hours of whingeing and telling me what a bad mother I was and how it was my 'job' (yes, he literally used those words). But it looked as though he instantly forgot how opposed he was to learning when it came to teaching everyone else...

I’m forever grateful to my late ILs who had my husband cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry from a very young age.

He’s 100% a contributor to our home and it makes for a happier house and marriage.

I think there are two aspects to getting your children ready for adult life -

One bit is teaching them the actual skills - laundry, cooking etc

The other bit is teaching them that everyone in a household needs to do their bit and without whinging or expecting to be fawned over.

If you want to do the laundry, that's one thing but if your kids aren't pitching in in other ways, like loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up after themselves, etc, that's where it gets worrying

My dc did their own laundry from 16, you don't do them any favours still doing washing when they are at university

No.

Training your sons to be able to take care of adult's chores. WTF is it for their spouses??

Jeez.

I’d guess it’s about modelling how to contribute to a household and family. I look at lots of my friends’ husbands, and I’m sure they all know how to use a washing machine and are capable of all the mundane household and family tasks, but just because they can doesn’t mean they do. All the ones whose mummies treated (and still treat) them like special little princes, and/or whose mothers did everything but fathers nothing at home, now have it hardwired that this is women’s work. They expect their wives to do it, with some occasional “help” from them (and needing a pat on the head). These are also men who managed to do it all for themselves before settling down with a woman, but as soon as they got married started replicating those dynamics.

It’s unreasonable to assume that it’s the mother’s job and you’re not doing it as a benefit to any future partners but it is your job as parents (plural, dad needs to be equally involved) to raise a child that is an equal partner in a relationship. Your son might not end up being the person who does the laundry (in my marriage, I tend to do all cooking and food prep, husband all the cleaning, laundry shared) but he needs to know how to do it - for the future AND for himself.

I think your friend's statement was sloppily framed (you should not be training your DC to be good spouses), however, all parents need to be teaching their DC life skills which includes mundane household tasks.

I think it's more about breaking bad habits (and pulling them up on them) while DC are at home rather than them continuing into adult life.
DH is one of three sons so his Mum openly admits to doing stuff that she should have made them do. For example getting rid of skid marks in the toilet, wiping down the worktops in the kitchen after preparing food, removing food from the sink after washing up etc. Small things that I think most girls/women do because they want a nice clean home but some boys/men aren't so bothered about?

I always always always did my own laundry coming hone from uni. Why wouldn't I? If yours are "clogging up" the laundry room they haven't been taught properly. What are they doing specifically - putting in a load then leaving the damp clothes in there? Take them out and dump them on their beds. Sounds like you've socialized them into strategic incompetence and they'll soon pull the same shit on their female partners.

I agree with your friend. It is poor parenting. Doing laundry when they are old enough to do it themselves is akin to spoon feeding them when they can feed themselves. Stop infantilising them. You are a barrier to their development.

I imagine other women judge you but just aren't honest to your face.

I agree with your friend to an extent. Single mum of a teen DS. I don't think "spoiling" him by doing his laundry would do him any favours in life.

Does your friend also think your DH should be training your DS ? Or does she think it's just your job?

So when I came back from university my parents sometimes did my washing. This didn't make me incapable of doing it in later life.

My beef is with the assumption that I should be training my DS to be a 'good husband'. I'd say that's on him.

I think that if children grow up in a home where mum tidies everything up and dad doesn't do any housework, it sets a precedent. In my house there is a saying "you made the mess, you clean it up." And I feel that is teaching my son to respect me, and hopefully therefore all women in the future. Seeing his dad do housework as he grows up will also help.

Teaching a teenage boy how to use a washing machine is helpful but sadly not enough to instill that women shouldn't have to pick up after them.

I've already started with our nine year old; he can hoover and do laundry. He also sees his dad doing his fair share of cooking and housework, so I'm hoping he's learning that everyone contributes to running a household, not just the women.

My husband used to bring all his laundry home to his mum to wash for him every Friday when he was in college. He does most of the laundry in our house now, no training required, it just needs to get done so he does it. No harm to encourage them to do their own but I wouldn't think you're setting him up for marriage failure if not.

To me, this is a bit like saying "it's not my job to get my teenager to do their homework, if they don't want a good job, it's up to them"

Of course it's ultimately up to them but as parents it's on us to create the conditions for success in adulthood. Good study habits make it more likely that a child will do well at university, good domestic habits make it more likely that they will have a successful relationship

To me, this is a bit like saying "it's not my job to get my teenager to do their homework, if they don't want a good job, it's up to them"

@spriots I never did make my DC do their homework. Just provided them with space/ time etc to do it. It was up to them to do it and if they didn't school would punish them not me.

Similarly my DC know how and when to do laundry. It's not up to me to ensure they do it (excepting of course when I choose to do it for them)

Yes you absolutely should be teaching them for their future wives.

My son is nearly 20 and can cook, clean and do laundry.

He is in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is very happy about that!

I feel I've done an excellent job parenting him. He is clean, kind, well presented and totally self sufficient.