training my sons to be good husbands for their future spouses through the medium of laundry

[LittleFishyEyes]

Is this really my job? I thought it was just to bring them up as good people, kind to others and respectful of their elders.

I don't know why but a comment from a friend has really riled me. She has said that now my DC are at university I should be focusing my parenting on 'training' them to be good husbands. Specifically to do the laundry. The implication was that because, when they are home I tend to do the laundry, I am failing as a parent.

Note: When they're away they wash their stuff but frankly I don't want my giant young people clogging up my laundry system. Plus I want to spoil them a little.

So what has really annoyed me is this idea that I am somehow responsible for the happiness of my future D/SIL in this way. I don't know what it is - ?misogynistic ?patriarchal. Surely my DC are responsible for how they behave. Not me. Blaming your parents for who you are seems a deeply selfish thing to do and also a way of avoiding any responsibility for one's own actions.

I look forward to welcoming future D/SIL to the family as and when (and if) this happens but I categorically refuse to accept that things that are lacking are somehow my fault.

AIBU?

Of course part of parenting young men is promoting values and skills which will make them good men part of which is being a good husbands and fathers in the future.

They should know what a good man in these roles looks like and how he behaves towards women and his girlfriend/partner/wife.

Yes doing the laundry is a part of that. Sharing tasks to keep a household running as a team etc. but it's hardly the defining characteristic of a good man.
If they are generally respectful and help out in the house, I wouldn't worry too much if you occasionally put a wash on for them.

It's the responsibility of both parents to teach boys and girls to be fully independent adults - for their own future benefit. No sexes needed to be referred to or assumption of future partnerships!

Part of being a parent is raising children to be good people. That includes good partners.

I definitely think parents need to proactively teach children to do chores. And that applies especially when raising boys, as housework is still sometimes seen as ‘women’s work’ (obviously not just mum, dad too).

I have two toddler boys and am currently a SAHM. I’m actively teaching them to help with chores and DH makes a point of doing housework with them/in front of them before and after work. It’s really important to both of us that they don’t grow up thinking their gender means that they don’t need to pull their weight.

Why especially boys tho? Why is it ok to raise women who can't look after themselves on the assumption they should find a man who can?

This, exactly.

Parents should raise children into adults who are fully capable of looking after themselves physically, financially and emotionally, including building healthy relationships (not necessary sexual) where warmth, tenderness and empathy are part of normal life.

I've shown my DC how the washing machine works but I don't encourage them to use it because I don't want them near it to break it

It's our responsibility as parents to ensure our children know how to cook, clean & manage a house by the time leave home.

It starts when they're little putting their toys away, dirty clothes in the laundry basket, make their bed, keep their room tidy. As they grow older they do things for the whole family; lay the table for dinner, clear up after dinner, fill/empty the dishwasher.
From baking with you for fun, they start learning to cook for the family & once a month make dinner.
so they learn how to do all the household chores

Also we have a dishwasher so god knows how they will navigate actual daily washing up when they're at uni or in any house share

I'm sure they'll work it out

I don't see much point in teaching anyone how to use a specific washing machine, every one I've had has been different and needed me to read the instructions. No reason boys would be unable to do that

But how would anyone break a washing machine, surely the only thing you can do wrong is choose an inappropriate cycle

MIL taught (paid) DH to clean and he can also cook. She is much appreciated for that! However, he won’t let anyone interfere with his system for doing the laundry - which is not necessarily great training for DC - but great for me!

It is highly likely that as adults we replicate the relationship of our parents. Consciously or subconsciously.

Unfortunately, some men who have grown up with their Mum doing the majority of housework, not giving their children age appropriate chores, seeing their Dad doing very little housework or childcare, believe that’s the normal and just what happens and expect whoever they set up home with to do the same, regardless if they have lived away from home beforehand. Sadly, some women think this is just how things are too because that’s what they’ve grown up with.

@VisionsOfSplendour

Yes that's what I told them actually that every washing machine is slightly different so just read the instructions or look it up online

I don't want them washing little random bits at a time

I like doing a big wash separating into colours and type of material etc

Mmm I'm a control freak aren't I

That's got to change

My issue is the implication that I am doing it for the benefit of a future partner and if that relationship is failing in some way it will also be my fault.

Isn‘t this all just another part of parenting?What if he is a lazy, good for nothing husband? Are you going to hold your hands up and say, “not my fault?”.

I take my DC’s role’s in their future relationship’s into consideration when teaching them how the household works and their roles within it.

I am proud that I taught my son this essential life skill by surrendering all laundry duties to my DH, who in turn handed the baton of responsibility to our DCs and from the age of about 15, and they all did their own washing from this point. In truth, DH got pissed off regularly taking mountains of clean washing up to their bedrooms, only to find it all in the dirty washing basket 48hrs later when they couldn’t be arsed putting it away.

I think it is your job as parents to ensure they can do basic life skills such as laundry, cooking, cleaning, driving and DIY by the time they’re young adults.

I have a couple of friends who visit their sons at uni and roll their eyes at the fact they haven’t changed their bedding and are living on absolute crap.

The way I see it as that these are skills that they don't really learn at school and they are needed in order for your son/daughter to be self sufficient and independent men/women.

I taught my boys how to cook, clean and sew because I think they're important skills that will be hugely beneficial for them. The fact that these skills will likely make them better husbands and fathers who don't rely on Dil to do it is an added bonus.

You don't have to teach your kids this stuff. My parents weren't great at teaching us life skills and I was a fairly useless human being when I left home. I learnt quickly because I had to, and being female it never occurred to me that I could look for a convenient male to offload this stuff onto - that wasn't the societal convention.

The problem with boys is that, even if you and your husband don't give them this message, there are a lot of men around who do look to dump their crap on women and fail to take responsibility for themselves (and eventually their DC) in relationships. And society has to date largely let them get away with it, although things are changing and women increasingly won't put up with it.

So with boys it is often a bit different I think. And if you can promote their future happiness in relationships by encouraging them to take responsibility, why wouldn't you? You might save them some heartache in future as inequalities in teams of responsibilities is often a factor in relationship breakdowns.

I think your friend's wording was pretty clumsy (that's ignoring the irony of the implication that it's your task as a mother to handle this 'training').

But I think we all agree that raising sons to know that Weaponised Incompetence is unacceptable is a good parenting strategy.

I thought my children would learn by watching me. Despite being really clever they did not. But I had made it clear I wasn't the house elf so we split jobs now they are adults.

Blaming your parents for who you are seems a deeply selfish thing to do and also a way of avoiding any responsibility for one's own actions.

Well it's certainly the young adults' job to address their own behaviour, but it would be ridiculous to think that their attitudes are not hugely based on their upbringing.