My SIL said she has'warmed to'DD1 more than DD2

[2GIRLS]

I haven't always got on with SIL, I didn't speak to her for ages as she totally ignored my ds after he was born and when I called her and asked what the problem was, it was apparently because I hadn't made an effort to go see her(! I had a newborn and 2 other dc's I could hardly get out of bed! anyway I had contacted her and went to her house with new ds, but this is another story).
We only saw her at Christmas at PIL's house adn bumped into her in tesco after that and she always said she'd come over but never did, so I didn't bother to contact her myself.
To cut a long story short she finally came to my house this week and she was saying that she wants my dd's (aged 7 and 6) to come over for the day and stay the night. I wasn't too keen on them staying the night but was happy for them to spend the day with her, then further on in the conversation she said that she had warmed to dd1 more than dd2, because dd1 has a few behavioural issues for which she is seeing CAMHS to resolve, SIL said she feels like mothering her a bit more.
I was a bit taken aback, and she went on to say that she would never show them any difference in attention or affection and she loves them both equally ect, but I am really upset TBH.

Now I don't want dd's to go because I can't help thinking that dd2 will pick up on something and realise that dd1 is favoured or something. And I don't want my girls somewhere where there may be favouritsm, even though she says she doesn't intentionally show it, I really hate the fact that she might feel it and feel so awful for my lovely sweet dd2.

I know if I try and say something to SIL about how I don't feel comfortable with them going, she will say thats not what she meant ect but she can't take back what she said.

And now I don't wantthem to spend any time with SIL if I'm not there to see how she is with dd2.

I don't know how you can resolve this really. I guess your SiL is childless. I have a similar situation with my sister. Tis a long story but basics are that she connects with DD but totally ignores DS

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't have my DC speding any time with her if I wasn't there.

What a shocking thing for her to say about your DD2

YANBU

My SIL has a daughter who is 18, so maybe it has something to do with her only having the 1 child (wouldn't have thought this has anything to do with it but trying to think of reasons!)

I favour one of my nephews over the other, but I would never ever voice this to my sister!!

He was born 3 weeks before my wedding & I practically lived with them for those 3 weeks.

I used to bath him, dress & change him etc.. I guess we developed a bond

She has an older boy too, who I adore, but don't have the same bond with.

It's a shame she hadn't kept her big gob shut though.

I just know if I try and say something about how I'm not happy ect, she'll say but she didn't mean it like that and she loves them the same ect, but she's said it and that must be how she feels and I couldn't forget it.
Can't believe she even said it out loud tbh!

Maybe she didn't mean it like that though. Maybe it was a kind of back handed clumsy way of saying that she understands that your dd1 needs a bit more support and she can relate to it. I know it is hard when someone appears for whatever reason to like on child more than another but it is probably very common. They are not the parents and personality probably plays a part. I actually in a bizarre way have a bit of respect for her for saying something.
It could so easily have been the other way that she "preferred" dd2 because she has no difficulties if that makes sense.

I too would be hurt if someone said this outright to me but I do know that dh and my family do prefer spending time with dd over ds at the moment because he is harder work. They love them both dearly but he IS harder going they don't take one without the other and they still enjoy spending time with him and they don't really prefer dd over ds as people just that it is easier to spend time with dd than ds.

If you would feel more comfortable spending time with them to make sure it is ok then don't feel bad for doing it you are their mum and you always want what is best for them but I really think it might just have been a clumsy way of saying that she understands dd1 has extra needs over dd2 so that you felt she could cope.

She sounds like she is worth giving a wide berth to. I can't bear it when there is obvious favouritism towards one child.

She should behave like an responsible adult.

I would observe first. If there is obvious favoritism, then don't let them go.

I have 9 neices and nephews, and I do connect more with 2 in particular. She shouldn't have told you, but maybe she was telling you as a SIL, rather than as a mother IYSWIM.

Give her a chance

I have a friend with two children, one of whom I feel much closer to than the other... but it's not something you would say! I mean you can't help who you warm to but she was very rude.

Anyway aside from that I think she's being a bit previous isn't she? If she's been out of touch, why the hurry. Can't she get to know your kids better with you around, and take it from there if it goes well? She sounds a bit odd.

She's trying to make an effort now, she's never been that interested in dd's. When she saw them she would be good to them but didn't really have that much interest in trying to see them, but it didn't bother me though as she sort of tells them off when I'm standing there or if I say something to them she would butt in which I HATE and not seeing her with the dc's stopped me from having to tell her to be quiet.

I was really annoyed at her ignoring ds, he's nearly 11 months now, apart from the fact he's her nephew she didn't offer to give me a hand or anything like that, not very nice as I used to meet up with her once a week for coffee adn talk about all her problems.

But...she is SIL so not much I can do, she came over because she just moved house and called my dp to ask him to help her move (after ignoring his dd'd and newborn son and him and me...) and he wasn't keen! I flipped to FIL about the whole thing and FIL had a chat with her, so now she wants to see more of us all and the dc's.
So, if I say no don't want to see her, I'll be in the wrong but I', still annoyed at her but because she's my SIL and dc's auntie I have to let it go.

But this is just something else and I feel like saying something (like piss off I've had my fill of you).
My dd's do know her even though she's not been around (MIL has taken them them to her house when she was looking after them ) but I don't feel happy about them being with her on their own now.

2GIRLS - I wouldn't be happy or comfortable at MIL taking them over to SIL without me being there.

Families......I think we have all felt like saying bugger off many a time

i know this comment has hurt your feelings but if you think of all the children you know [non-dc] surely you don't like them all the same?
your sil does sound rather cold - is this just her way? how about you suggest she has dd2 first then dd1 on a seperate day that way she can get to know them independently and discover their personalities properly? this way your dd's won't pickup on any favouritism .

I know I'm guilty of not liking all cihldren the same (not my dc's but others) but It's not very nice when someone says that about your dc's. TBH it wouldn't be so much of a problem if she didn't want to have them for the day and also I'm now thinking that even if I was there woiuld dd2 pick up on something? That makes me feel so awful, yo think that dd2 might know, she's omly 6.

I just don't want to see her at all tbh, b t I'll end up being the 'bad' one if I do that.

Was really annoyed with MIL for taking dd's to her house, but was even more f**ed off when she took ds (who SIL hadn't bothered with since his birth) to her house, was totally fuming but didn't feel could say anything (should develop back bone after all they don't seem to care what they say to me)

Im not condoning it but i think its nice she has wamed to your dd1 who has behavioura probs ...far easier i would think to prefer dd2 whos not got these probs ....maybe its her way of supporting u?
or am i being too generous?

I don't know if this is necessarily a bad thing to be honest. Your sister in law seems to have maybe bonded in some way with your first daughter - perhaps it's because she recognises something in your daughter which she identifies with? My sister has three step nieces, for some reason I have always felt more in tune with the middle neice. Not because I dislike the other two but more because I can see something in her that I recognise in myself.

In many ways your sister in law could be an asset. if your daughter does have behavioural problems it could bea good thing to have someone there who is prepared to make the effort when it is needed.

She has told you that she would not treat them differently, and I think from what you've said she is absolutely able to love them both.

Please don't get upset about this. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything because it has obviously upset you but you have to admire her honesty along with her determination to treat them both well.

2GIRLS - you sound like a bit of a drama queen. All through your kid's lives they are going to meet people who prefer one sibling over the other. She said that se wouldn't show favourtism so get over it and just be happy that your SIL is willing to spend time with your kids at all. There is no law saying she has to.

2girls this is a major over reaction.folk say worse things in families than that

harsh to cease all contact
yes you are annoyed
is it worth all the aggro

2GIRLS, I'm sure she didn't mean to offend you - maybe a bit tactless, but I think you are making a bit more of it that you need to. If she does show any favouritism that will be the time to think of stopping your dds going to visit, but I don't think there is likely to be, given what you have said. Having a soft spot for one of your children who has had a harder time with behavioral issues doesn't mean she cares less about the others.

My feeling was why should children spend long periods of time with an auntie who doesn't appear to have spent any time with them before?

Telling you she basically has a favourite is mean and to say she favours one child over another because she feels more motherly towards her is very underminding and cheeky.

I think what she said was rather lovely

she said she'd warmed to DD1 more because she has some behavioural issues and it brings out the mothering instinct in her .. what a lovely approach

she said she loved them both the same and has reassured you that she would never show them any difference in attention and affection

I think you're reacting strangely because you just don't like her

I don't think what she said is an issue at all

many relations shy away from children with behavioural issues .. she has reassured you she does the exact opposite

I think you're being rather churlish

but your kids, if you don't want them to go don't let them

Agree with Twig

I think you are a bit precious.

She is open and honest, she feels warmth towards a child with issues, cant see what the problem is when she has already said she loves them both the same.

Many of my friends had "warmed" more towards my first, they had known him longer.

Some of my family has warmed more to my youngest as he has health issues, and many say it is a miracle we did not lose him to cot death as the statistics for children like him are pretty dire.

It doesnt bother me in the least. They love both my children, and you can never force the dymanics in relationships between people whether adults or children.

I would let her have them, I am sure they would benefit greatly from close contact with another family member, and I am sure they would all have a great time. And you can feel sure that the dd with behavioural problems will get the attention she needs.

Good luck.

Agree with Twig and the others.

I relate better to one of my sister's children because she reminds me of me - certain issues she has, etc. If I told my sister this it would feel it was a nice thing to say - means I see her as special. Doesn't mean I'd treat her sister ANY different.

My mother didn't encourage relationships with certain aunties and cousins etc because of her dislike for them, but I think that was a shame.