My SIL said she has'warmed to'DD1 more than DD2

[2GIRLS]

I haven't always got on with SIL, I didn't speak to her for ages as she totally ignored my ds after he was born and when I called her and asked what the problem was, it was apparently because I hadn't made an effort to go see her(! I had a newborn and 2 other dc's I could hardly get out of bed! anyway I had contacted her and went to her house with new ds, but this is another story).
We only saw her at Christmas at PIL's house adn bumped into her in tesco after that and she always said she'd come over but never did, so I didn't bother to contact her myself.
To cut a long story short she finally came to my house this week and she was saying that she wants my dd's (aged 7 and 6) to come over for the day and stay the night. I wasn't too keen on them staying the night but was happy for them to spend the day with her, then further on in the conversation she said that she had warmed to dd1 more than dd2, because dd1 has a few behavioural issues for which she is seeing CAMHS to resolve, SIL said she feels like mothering her a bit more.
I was a bit taken aback, and she went on to say that she would never show them any difference in attention or affection and she loves them both equally ect, but I am really upset TBH.

Now I don't want dd's to go because I can't help thinking that dd2 will pick up on something and realise that dd1 is favoured or something. And I don't want my girls somewhere where there may be favouritsm, even though she says she doesn't intentionally show it, I really hate the fact that she might feel it and feel so awful for my lovely sweet dd2.

I know if I try and say something to SIL about how I don't feel comfortable with them going, she will say thats not what she meant ect but she can't take back what she said.

And now I don't wantthem to spend any time with SIL if I'm not there to see how she is with dd2.

2girls, i dont want to stick up for your SIL because it doesnt sound like the pair of you have a relationship worth saving tbh. But i just wonder if she said the wrong thing (totally the wrong thing) for the right reasons. Maybe she felt, wrongly, that you were worried that she would treat DD1 differently because of her bahvioural issues and was trying to redress that, of course putting both of her feet firmly in her mouth. It was a kind offer of her to offer the girls to come over, it will be a lovely break for you. Your DDs can make their own minds up whether they like this aunt or not, they will soon let you know

Thanks for all the replies, I don't think I'm being a drama queen or whatever else, I honestly feel quite upset for my dd2.
Yes, it's great for dd1 that she has warmed to her despite her difficulties, she is seeing CAMHS for separation issues, won't go to school and can be anxious but other than that she is a great girl very 'normal' 7 yrold.

SIL was saying that she feels that dd1 needs more mothering and dd2 doesn't. I had to explain that dd2 has all the same anxieties and feelings that dd1 has but because she has a different personality dd2 will get on with it more and isn't so vocal and tantrummy as dd1, but that doesn't mean that she needs any less.
I also said that because a lot more time goes into dd1, I worry that dd2 gets forgotton about.
And the issue is that although SIL has said she would never show ant difference to the girls, I'm concerned that dd2 might pick up on something, and how awgul for a 6 yr old to feel something like that.

I do have a lot of issues over her complete lack of interest in my dc's but I have let so many things go over the years and I am totally willing for her to spend whatever time she wants with the dc's whenever she decides, I thought it was awful thing to say to a mother about her children and I can't believe that anyone wouldn't care that someone has said that they prefer one child over another.
I just would never say it, because I know how it would make a parent feel. I can imagine her reaction if I said that I haven't really warmed to her dd but don't worry I won't show it when I'm with her!!

oh Twig is right

Twiglett- I don't know how mant dc's you have got, but can you honestly say that if your dc's auntie said that she has warmed to one more than the other, but don't worry I won't show it- that you honestly wouldn't care at all and have no feelings about the dc that wasn't warmed to as much.
That you would think it was great that at least she likes one of them!!

I'm sorry but I just can't I feel really bad for my dd2 now that her auntie doesn't feel the same way about her as she does dd1, and I just can't believe that any mother wouldn't feel the same!

What if she had just said that she had a special bond with one of them..rather than saying that she had less of one with the other. Would that have been better?.
Because essentially that is what she is saying isn't it? She did say she loved them equally didn't she?
Ok...maybe it shouldn't have been voiced...but i don't think it's so bad.

but you can't like everyone the same it is not human

I'm with Twig and I do have two kids

Can you honestly say that you get along just the same with everybody you know and like them just the same?

Your SIL was honest.
Soon she too will see dd2s personality, understand her needs too, and probably warm to her more also. If you let her, that is.

The only thing your SIL is guilty of, in my opinion, is honesty and possibly also clumsy phrasing. And if you dont let her see them, it is in the end your children who will lose out on what could be a very valuable relationship with their extended family.

I do agree that you can't like everyone the same, I just find it a bit strange that some people wouldn't mind that their dc's aunt said that and not feel in some way (I don't honestly know what I feel, sad, annoyed).

Even though I might understand on some level what she is saying and why, I can't help but feel upset as a mother to the children that she is talking about.

The issue isn't that is it ok to privately feel like that, it's that thisis what she has said and I think I'm feeling what any mother would feel!

actually 2girls I have 2 children .. and my mother has commented on how fond she is of DS, more so than any of her other grandchildren (she has 8) and no I didn't get enraged, I took it as a compliment to DS

I really think you're taking offence because you don't like her and are allowing yourself to

but that doesn't mean how you feel isn't valid

Well, I have two children, and I have had such comments. I only regard that as a tribute to the relationship I have with their aunties/godparents/other family and friends that they are voicing it with me.

I cant influence how they feel about my children, sometimes they have let slip things which may not be entirely PC, but they are entitled to their opinion, and sometimes, it has given me hints as to what to look out for in my kids behaviour.

I

You're sort of right Twig, I don't like her because of the way she has ignored my dc's especially ds. But before he was born I met up with her for coffee ect and we were really friendly, so I sort of put the children thing aside and tried to think well, she hasn't really got it to give just take what she can IYSWIM.

But I think I'd feel the same if it was my own sister that said it, who I'm close to and takes lot interest in my kids.

I don't know what I should do now, maybe theres a part of me that thinks that she just does as she likes, says Oh sorry didn't mean that and we all have to forgive and forget and make it easier for her.

It's hard because I'm quite careful not to say things that may cause offence and try to say things in a way that is more tactful (well, I hope that I do) so this behaviour annoys me.
But also, it's because thats what she thought, and really I'd much prefer not knowing it. So, now think about it. Yes, it's compliment to dd1 but there's a little voice saying but what about dd2...

I can neither comment nor offer advice because you're taking it so differently from the way I would or have that I just don't get it

sorry .. but good luck

I have to say that Dniece 1 and 3 are far easier to get on with than dn2. i would never tell a living soul though. (you lot don't count as I your not 'real')

Do bear in mind that from what you've said she doesn't know them very well. When (if) she gets to know better she will probably find the things in DD2 that she relates to as well.

(My mother told me that she preferred one of my DDs, and although it was a bit of a 'no no' thing to say, I took it as a compliment to that one. After all, I love them both enough for them to be fine, I'm sure, and that's life, as other posters have said.)

I know that privately people probably think all sorts about my dc's!!
I'd be a bit if someone else said it because in my book it's just not the thing to say out loud regardless of what you think.

But it's letting them go to hers for the day that is sort of worrying me. It may be totally unfounded but I can't help feeling that 1) I don't want to let my dd's go anywhere where there may be favouritsm and 2)I'd be thinking is dd2 picking up on anything.

I dont understand your attitude either, am with Twiglet on this one, and cant really relate either.

I think you see problems, where there arent necessarily any. You havent tried, so you dont really know, and frankly you seem too posessive of your dd's to want to make a go of this.

Best of luck.

I can see wherer you are coming from 2GIRLS.

Not matter the intention of feeling motherly to one child you will always feel like they aren't as bothered about the others.

YOu can change this and salvage a relationship 0 the kids want their auntie and you can get a friend as well as SIL.

my own brother has said he find ds2 easier their godmother finds ds2 more fun grandad prefers ds3 yet my close friends always feels closer to ds1.....you cant win em all thats not to say they dont like the other 2 they definitely do and none of the other children have ever picked up on it.....i think its because they all have very different personlities - i dont hold it against anyone i know who to ask favours of tho (ds2 always seems more popular i think its cos hes lively lol he will sometimes say ohh i dont like xxxx and i find myself smiling cos i know she prefers him over nyone else) its life im afraid.

2GIRLS i was wondering if at sometime your feelings were hurt in a similar situation as child? maybe this is why you feel such need to make ds2 accepted or at least equal?

Quintessential - I don't think I'm necessarily seeing problems where there aren't any, in my view the fact that she has that she feels differently about my girls but don't worry she never show it, is a bit of a problem. For an auntie to say that is a bit wrong, and I don't think I'm necessarily wrong to be concerned about them going to her for the day. No, I don't think that she'd have dd2 in the corner but I am concerned that she may pick up that dd1 is favoured and that should never ever happen and I would never want my children to feel that from anyone.

I'm not sure what you mean by I haven't tried; tried to give her the benefit of the doubt? tried to still be friendly to her when she totally ignored her newborn nephew for 10 months adn had a go at me that I didn't give her enough attention after I'd had a new baby? tried to give my dc's a relationship with her when SHE decides that she's finally ready to see them? that I'd probably still let the dd's spend time with her after what she has said, because she's still their aunt?
What haven't I tried to do?

And I find it interesting that you would call possesiveness that I wouldn't want my dc's to be somewhere where there may be favouritism, and a 6 yr old child may feel this. To me that is normal mothering, I'm not possesive about the dc's in more ways that I just want the best for them and if I'm not there with them that they are somewhere where they are happy.

Is that not something you can relate to?

You cant go through life not letting your children go somewhere in case there is favouritism shown otherwise you wont let go go anywhere.

Its natural for people to have a preference, whether or not it is said out loud. It'll happen at school, with friends etc.

It only seems to be an issue in your mind so maybe its your own insecurities causing the problem.

No, I don't have experience of having my sister favoured over me so it's not my own insecurities or experiences that is causing this apparent problem with me .

Obviously I know that through life all children will come up against it and they will have to learn to deal with it, I don't shelter them from the world nor would I want to.
HOwever, it's one thing to send them to places where, yes, some people may prefer one to the other but I'm not aware of it or it's in a bigger group of children or whatever, because that's life.
It's another thing to want to send them, just the two of them, to a family member who has stated a preference. Why would I feel comfortable with that?
Why should I have no feeling on the matter other than, as some people have said, isn't my SIL great for being so honest.

Favouritism within the family can have a hugely detrimental effect on the child and the subsequent adult. Maybe those that think it's just life should do a little research.

Don't make the mistake I made anyway.

Dh's sister has no children & she fell out with me when I was PG with child no.2 (ds)

She never spent any time with him as we didn't like each other & when my dd asked me why auntie X never visited us I said it was because she didn't like me

Dd then announced to MIL that auntie X doesn't like mummy so I don't like her!

MIL was very upset but said she understood that dd wanted an explanation.. she also told SIL who called me & we had a heart to heart... lots of tears etc but we worked our way through it.

Now, the kids see her & her dh at MILs house & if they visit us or if we call with them, but they have never babysat for us in 6 years & I will never ask them to.

I don't think you should deprive your children of the attention from their auntie just because you don't like her... I did that & the only losers were my children...they got Xmas gifts from her & they barely knew her

I have stated in an earlier post that I favour nephew 2 over nephew 1....but you can rest assured that in NO way is it obvious as I love them both to bits!!

nephew 2 is a cuddlier child and even now at 10 will always want a hug when leaving...his brother, although a lovely kid too couldn't care less if he never got a cuddle.. he high-5s me when they leave!!

No, I don't have experience of having my sister favoured over me so it's not my own insecurities or experiences that is causing this apparent problem with me .

ohh hun i didnt mean it like that i just wondered if you hd felt like that and was keen to stop it before it strted im not suggesting youre insecure indeed i described my own childrens experience earlier in the post i was just looing a little deeper to see why you felt so strongly im sorry if i upset you.
maybe you know more than you are willing to share about your sil maybe you hve gut feeling you cant explain?