My SIL said she has'warmed to'DD1 more than DD2

[2GIRLS]

I haven't always got on with SIL, I didn't speak to her for ages as she totally ignored my ds after he was born and when I called her and asked what the problem was, it was apparently because I hadn't made an effort to go see her(! I had a newborn and 2 other dc's I could hardly get out of bed! anyway I had contacted her and went to her house with new ds, but this is another story).
We only saw her at Christmas at PIL's house adn bumped into her in tesco after that and she always said she'd come over but never did, so I didn't bother to contact her myself.
To cut a long story short she finally came to my house this week and she was saying that she wants my dd's (aged 7 and 6) to come over for the day and stay the night. I wasn't too keen on them staying the night but was happy for them to spend the day with her, then further on in the conversation she said that she had warmed to dd1 more than dd2, because dd1 has a few behavioural issues for which she is seeing CAMHS to resolve, SIL said she feels like mothering her a bit more.
I was a bit taken aback, and she went on to say that she would never show them any difference in attention or affection and she loves them both equally ect, but I am really upset TBH.

Now I don't want dd's to go because I can't help thinking that dd2 will pick up on something and realise that dd1 is favoured or something. And I don't want my girls somewhere where there may be favouritsm, even though she says she doesn't intentionally show it, I really hate the fact that she might feel it and feel so awful for my lovely sweet dd2.

I know if I try and say something to SIL about how I don't feel comfortable with them going, she will say thats not what she meant ect but she can't take back what she said.

And now I don't wantthem to spend any time with SIL if I'm not there to see how she is with dd2.

I had a friend that admitted loving one daughter more than the other!!!! I was truly shocked. I only have the one ds so cannot judge if that is possible or not but blimey!
I have to admit if you had asked me which one she favoured I would have said the opposite to what she said so she obviously over compensated and seemed to hide it well...

You havent tried letting your dds go stay with sil, have you? That is what I meant, by you have not tried it yet.

So far, any favourism is in your mind only.
A six year old is perfectly capable of voicing her concerns with you when she is back home.

But there seem to me by your reply to me below that you have a lot of unresolved issues with your SIL. Maybe these are clouding your judgement? You seem genuinely upset with her for a number or reasons, so maybe the bottom line is that you just simply dont want your kids to spend any time with her. And that is ok.

Windygale, you didn't upset me!! I can understand why you would ask, I'd probably wonder the same.

This same SIL has and my BIL have said that my dp was the favoured child and they have huge problems now as adults, obviously I'm not saying that all these problems were caused by this. But BIL bullied dp really badly as a child and SIL suffers from bad low self esteem, always trying please parents just loads of things.

SIL's daughter has told me that her granny (also my dc's gran) said that she was her favourite grandchild , so it seems to be a bit of a theme in that family. Dh has felt that his parents favour his niece over his own children and it has caused him a lot of hurt.

I haven't got a clue if my mum or sister prefer one or the other, they may do but they haven't said anything and I definitely don't study their behaviour towards dcs, so I don't have any problems there.

It didn't occur to me that she might have felt like it and I may understand it, it still hurt me and I want to pritect dd2 from feeling hurt too even though she may never feel it, if that makes sense!!!
And even though there have been some issues in dh's family, I always let the children see them whenever they want. The girls lov ethem so I assume everything is ok.

I like one of my nephews more than his (lovely) siblings. He too has (major) behavioural issues. It puts him at a great disadvantage with his grandparents, he is always being unfavourably compared. I think his parents like him being special to someone. As long as the other siblings don't know I hope it does not matter.

She's never offered to have them for the day before!! It's not like she's always asking for them and I say no! I'm quite happy for them to go to whoever wants them, but if someone doesn't show an interest I wouldn't ask them to have the kids.

I hadn't even thought about favouites before she actually told me, so I'm sure it's not in my own mind.
I'm not totally certain a 6 yr ol dwould be able to fully comrehend the subtleties that can go with favouritism and explain about how it made them feel.

I have loads of issues with her if you look back at posts, but I was more than happy for her to have them for the day before she said that.
I could have been really bitchy and said that it was too late now, she should have been interested before or something, but I didn't.

It's a bit annoying as she's said to her dd in past, oh ask 2girls to take you to xxx (driving all over place) among other things she's your auntie, she doesn't mind. Which I don't really, but funny I'm her dd's auntie and should bend over backwards for her-but she's no ones auntie.

Had you thought she might just feel more comfortable and relate better to older children, especially if her daughter is 18. Therefor the 7yr old is easier to relate to thean a 6yr old. lets not forget that between 6 and 7 the gap is huge.

I think you are being over precious aswell.
If she had said this about prefering your dd2, then we would all be up in arms about the fact she didn't love your dd1 as much, who has behavioual issues.
Favouritism ? There is often favouritism.
Dh and I prefer his sil's dd to her ds. She is lovely, affectionate and sweet. He is not.
We do love them both, but she is so lovely.
I think most people could admit to favouring some children over others. There are many threads where peoples children make friends with other children that they don't care for.
This is life.

I agree with Twig. Your sil's only error is her bad phrasing of her honesty.

I agree with Twiglett.

The lesson to be learned from this thread is that we should never assume that people love our kids like we do. Be grateful, for whatever love and support you can get, outside of your immediate family unit. As for the rest, expect nothing - then anything extra is a bonus.

I just find some of this amazing, I never thought so many people really wouldn't care that other members of their family say that they prefer one child over another. Just amazing.

Oblomov - what did your sil say when you told her that you prefer dd to her ds?

Though dejags your point was very true (apart from agreeing with twiglett! ) I'm just sad that the kids' aunt has said something like this.

what I can't understand is why you are so angry at her for taking no interest in your dcs until now.

Why on earth should she?

Obviously for you your children are infinitely fascinating and wonderful but to expect others (especially people who haven't experienced having childen themselves) to feel the same way is frankly a bit self-obsessed.

Clearly SIL is making a MASSIVE effort to build bridges with you by offering to take the children for a day not for her benefit but for yours.

Be incredibly grateful. Appreciate the effort and don't send the children again if they don't have a fab time. But I bet they will.

Actually, if you'd read my posts you see that I'd said that I was friendly with her I put the children thing aside and just took what she was able to give.
And she has a daughter. This dd that she expects everyone to lift and lay for.

I just don't get it at all, I feel like I'm missing something. After everything that I've written about SIL (and quite frankly that's not the half of it) I should be grateful to her?!!?

So, littlegreyrabbit, you'd not care in the slightest if your sil did not take anything to with your newborn baby? Not a card, a phone call, nothing.
Is this something that you would do to someone?
I would never ignore a birth of any of my friends or family.

2Girls, god forbid, I would never say anything. But dh and I know the truth. Do you think she doesn't. I think all her brothers and sisters feel it a bit aswell.

Oblomov, that is my point exactly. You would never say anything because (I assume) that you know how it would make your sil feel.
If you think I'm being precious about it all, and there's nothing wrong with it and it's life, why won't you tell your sil how you feel?

because she must know.

With regard to her not being as involved after the birth of your DS as you would have liked, have you considered (and I apologise if this isn't the case or has already been mentioned) that maybe she struggled to conceive a 2nd child herself and failed and other people close to her having children may be a little hard to deal with?

Just your recent post 'I would never ignore a birth of any of my friends or family' made me think that is all.

I favour one niece out of my nieces and nephews I have to admit, but would never say that to my siblings or their partners and would fully expect the parents to be upset if I did. But despite having a fave I try to be even handed as I believe favouritism is wrong. Hope you and your SIL can get beyond this.

You asked someone how it would feel if SIL never bothered taking any notice of a new born baby. My BIL did this when dd was born, no nothing in fact I don't think he even seen her until she was 2. Now he is a fab uncle to both the children and has sruprised us all by ho loving and hands on he is. He did have a sudden change of heart for his own reasons. At the time I thought it strange that he never bothered but never got overly upset about it. DD has and had loads of other family and never noticed anything amiss because she never had it to miss.
BIL and I have since talked about what happened and it turns out he had his own reasons of which we had no idea and they were nothing to do with his feelings personally towards any of us. HE has also said that his neice and nephew will never ever be without him in their life now.

I suppose what I am saying is that you cannot force people to have a relationship with your children, better nothing that reluctantly in their life. I think that can be far more damaging.
You don't really know what her reasons are for behaving like that, ClairePO could be right maybe she finds the baby stage hard because she never managed to conceive a longed for second baby but finds it a bit easier when they are a bit older.

So, 2Girls, how excited where you about your SILs dd when she was born? How involved were you in her?

I hadn't met SIL when her dd was born, I got together with dh when niece (sil dd) was 9 yrs old.
We didn't live near each other at the time but her daughter has got a birthday present and christmas present, phone calls, she came to stay with us for the weekend a few times, drove for miles to pick her up from the airport when her mother (SIL) left her stranded - she was 12 at the time.

When they moved to where we live, niece was 15, I made a huge effort to be there for her as she was finding it difficult to settle, understandably. I took her to most places I went to with the children, she stayed at my house ect. Now I have a great relationship with her, she calls me adn comes to see the dc's. She calls me her auntie and I call her my niece, even though there are no 'blood ties' it doesn't matter to me.