For shouting at DSD

[TiredManDad]

I know blended families can be really hard at times and we try incredibly hard to make ours work but we have a crazy mix. DSD are 17 and 12 and my DD is 14 and DS 10.

Me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and have a decent dynamic, I have my kids every weekend, the older DSD is with us full time and the younger all apart from every other weekend.

Long story short younger DSD is going through puberty and has been awful.to us these last few months. We are aware and handle her rants with patience. She has been nasty to me and my DP on several occasions but I let my DP deal with her. Recently when we have enforced rules she has run off to her dad where she can pretty much do what she wants.

Anyway tonight we were off to get pizza after a long day and DSD starts pushing the car seat forward trapping my DS in the car as we stopped. Me and DP asked her to stop, she then rather than stop, started kicking the chair as hard as she could that was trapping my DS head. I shouted louder than I ever have for her to stop as I could see he was in pain and got out to comfort him.

DSD then hurled lots of teary abuse at us and got her dad to pick her up. DP is now angry at me and says I shouldn't have shouted, it's a soft seat so me and DS are overreacting and now I've ruined Christmas because I've driven DSD away by shouting at her. DP says I was unreasonable and should have let her deal with it. But at that time, when my DS is being hurt aggressively what am I supposed to do? To add context I am a teacher so deal with teenagers daily, this was not the loudest I could shout!

I know she's sad because of DSD behaviour, and normally I'd never normally shout at DSD (we try to parent our own and support with step kids) but really, I just need reassurance or advice from other step families, is it always wrong to shout and discipline Step kids the way you would your own?

its so hard being a blended family sometimes. Sorry for the long post.

I don't think you did anything wrong in this instance. Shouting at a child because you're angry and want to dominate them is wrong, but shouting in fear and alarm because someone is aggressively attacking your much younger child is completely different. I would have shouted in this situation and I think your dp should be concentrating on her daughter's atrocious, dangerous behaviour, not your (actually quite reasonable) reaction.

YANBU - did your DP expect you just to sit there while she harmed you son. Sure shouting isn't ideal but in these circumstances it's totally justified - sorry your DP can't see this.
Is she being pulled up on her behaviour generally? It's fine to be understanding but no- one is doing her any favours by letting behaviour like this slide.

I would certainly have done it.

You have done nothing wrong.

I hope dp isn't talking down to you about this in front of the other kids.

DSD sounds a nightmare And while I don't condone her behaviour in the slightest, I wonder if there's anything more going on for her as to 'want' to harm another step sibling is one thing but actually 'DOING' it is an action I expect she KNOWS she will get a reaction.
I wonder what it is she wants extra attention/ people to notice.

Yes and DP was very angry at her and shouted too. It's why I was so surprised at her reaction when DSD went to her dad's. I think DP is upset as she knows it's her DD in the wrong (it was mine a year ago until she calmed down) and it does make you feel bad. I think the trouble is her dad isn't a nice man and will actually think what she did was funny (which probably explains his kids behaviours).

Me and DP are very good with communication but she has just shut me off tonight because she is basically blaming me and my kid for crying too much for this situation of DSD going off with her bags packed, rather than DSD actual behaviour. She has even tried to say I can't blame her for being aggressive because she was hungry. I have said that normally, if I feel I'm in the wrong I would be contrite but in this instance, not just if it was my son but if it was any child being hurt I would react the same. I don't think that's an unreasonable position.

I think I'll wait for the dust tomseytle and my kids to go back to mum tomorrow to have a calm conversation about it. Thank you.

You did nothing wrong. She owes your son an apology too

I suspect so, she's just got to that age where her hormones are all over the place too bless her. She has to share our house with her sister and step siblings while she has the run of the house at her dad's which is part of the issue.

I think also there is the fact the my DS gets on with my DP really well and is really nice to her, tonight he brought her a card he had made in school for us both but put the moon on it which she loves, so there is lots of jealousy there and she is a very jealous person like her dad. I do think a lot of it is her father's influence too.

None of this excuse the recent behaviour or that tonight and unfortunately my DSD storming out seems to have had the desired affect of making my DP feel sympathy for her. I'm currently on the sofa bed with a 10 year old snoring 😂

Both your DSD and DP have behaved very badly, DSD for hurting your son and DP for excusing her DD’s behaviour based on hunger.

Please don’t allow them to excuse their behaviour based on hormones. DSD is 17, not a child. She sounds like a manipulative brat for hurting your son and then crying when called out on it.

You need to protect your children and if they are not safe and happy in a home with DP and DSD then you should think about leaving DP.

I don't quite understand about the car seat etc but if she was hurting your son then you did nothing wrong shouting at her. It doesn't matter who the child is!

if she doesn't want to be shouted at, she should be such a brat & hurt people.

her father sounds delightful.

your partner needs to stop blaming you for shouting at the DSD & instead sort out her DD.

why is she being allowed to phone her Dad & get picked up when she's misbehaving??

To clarify the DSD we are having issues with is the near 13 year old.

My 17 year old DSD was at home with boyfriend eating all the Christmas food 😁

Honestly I'm hoping me and DP can talk about this as we always do. Communication is key in any situation but even more so in a blended family. I love DP and my kids are genuinely very happy, I'm glad the steer on this seems to be how I imagined so I feel justified in my actions and protection of my DS as an innocent party.

she is basically blaming me and my kid for crying too much for this situation of DSD going off with her bags packed, rather than DSD actual behaviour.
Sorry that is awful of your dp, the person injured is wrong for being upset, because its caused their attacker to strop off?!

She has her own phone and she was straight onto it. DP tried to tell her ex to leave her and we told her to just have pizza with us and calm down but she just swore again and claimed we were abusing her by forcing her to stay. She really is terrible. Her dad unfortunately is all too happy to get her and would love nothing more than to see our relationship fail.

It's very difficult with unreasonable ex's.

Yup I said this exact thing and it's victim blaming. DP said it's her daughter and she's a mum so I don't understand. I will say DP has shocked me tonight, I honestly think DP is just emotional as her previously really lovely DD has turned reall nasty recently, it's Christmas and she's stormed off back to her dad's saying she doesn't want to see us again.

I think DP will apologise once she's slept on it and doesn't feel as upset and aggreived.

That phone should have been confiscated statim!

The car is a multi seat car. DS was in the middle, DSD and DD on the back. The backseat bend forward with a lever to allow those in the back to get out. DSD pulled the lever and pushed the seat forward that DS was sat in to trap him and it squashed his head between the headrest oh his bent forward seat and the soft back of the passenger seat.

This is when we told her to stop and move the seat back but on hearing this she kicked the back of the seat forward aggressively squashing my DS, which while the seat is spongey will have hurt. It was then I shouted instinctively and he started crying, I got him out of the car and comforted him while DSD hurled abuse.

Can't believe she pulled the 'I'm a mum' attempt... so you're not meant to care as much as you're a dad? Ridiculous.

Your dp's ongoing response to this would be a huge factor for me if this relationship could continue. How can your ds feel safe with her and dsd knowing dp won't protect him if dsd feel like injuring him again?

DP is an amazing woman and she did really tell off and shout at DSD tonight and tell her why she was in trouble and explain how dangerous what she did was. I'm confident she would do the same if it was to happen again. It's just her response to her going is to blame me and my DS and say I shouldn't have shouted and he overrated because he was laughing and joking 5 minutes later! It's really shocked me some of her responses tonight, not like her at all.

Agreed though we need to address it for my DS sake as I won't ever compromise his safety.

I don't blame you for reacting in the moment and for being pissed off at your partner's response but when talking to them/their kid be careful about the language you use.

If you described my kid as terrible you'd be sleeping on the sofa too. Focus on the behaviour and not the child.

You did nothing wrong! Your stepdaughter sounds like a complete brat.

Yeah we (husband and I) wouldn't have tolerated that behaviour from one of our older kids either , they are both ours and would have been furious too . Hopefully your partner wakes up and sees the situation as it is .

I dont get the not allowed to say boo to a goose if its a stepchild..i must be awful 😅 i dont have step children but i do intervene with any friends child or nephews if they are in my home going wild. I dont get how your meant to be mute and allow a child or anyone for that matter be disrespectful..id probably even have a pop at a work colleague if they were inappropriate.

My brother and I were both awful during puberty, most kids are. I dont feel your meant to excuse bad behaviour, i feel you understand the underlying influences to help them manage appropriately and healthily going forward.

But this running off to another home everytime something goes sour is going to destroy any tactics going forward. Its going to constantly be avoiding consequences of any situation and emotionally blackmailing to ensure they are in control of situation and never have to be called up on it...shame the dad is going to enable all this :(

Also if i witnessed my child going through this..you could be the pope snd i would still go mental out of panic..

It sounds like DSD is testing boundaries and learning to play one parent off against each other. Needs nipping in the bud now, or this will get much worse. At the very least you and DP need to be consistent-in an ideal world, her father as well, but I realise this may not work (which is unfortunate, because a couple of times of DSD seeing a completely united front would stop this in its tracks)

I would also be talking to DP about consequences for DSD hurting your DS. Not acceptable to hurt siblings, puberty or not!

Also-ask yourself, would you have responded the same if DS was doing this to DSD (I suspect you may have responded more harshly)-if the answer is yes, YANBU

I think you're being pretty reasonable in acknowledging that everyone's a bit stressed and fired up, and your DP has acted out of character. I hope you're right that it'll all blow over once everyone's calmed down and reflected.

Imagining the situation you described, if my kid was acting badly and I was already telling her off/shouting at her myself, I might not appreciate you chiming in too, and I might get snappy and tell you to butt out. It's completely unreasonable, and I'd eventually admit that, but in a heightened state trying to get my kid to focus on me and listen, I can see the the added input from someone else being an annoying distraction. Hope that makes sense!