For shouting at DSD

[TiredManDad]

I know blended families can be really hard at times and we try incredibly hard to make ours work but we have a crazy mix. DSD are 17 and 12 and my DD is 14 and DS 10.

Me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and have a decent dynamic, I have my kids every weekend, the older DSD is with us full time and the younger all apart from every other weekend.

Long story short younger DSD is going through puberty and has been awful.to us these last few months. We are aware and handle her rants with patience. She has been nasty to me and my DP on several occasions but I let my DP deal with her. Recently when we have enforced rules she has run off to her dad where she can pretty much do what she wants.

Anyway tonight we were off to get pizza after a long day and DSD starts pushing the car seat forward trapping my DS in the car as we stopped. Me and DP asked her to stop, she then rather than stop, started kicking the chair as hard as she could that was trapping my DS head. I shouted louder than I ever have for her to stop as I could see he was in pain and got out to comfort him.

DSD then hurled lots of teary abuse at us and got her dad to pick her up. DP is now angry at me and says I shouldn't have shouted, it's a soft seat so me and DS are overreacting and now I've ruined Christmas because I've driven DSD away by shouting at her. DP says I was unreasonable and should have let her deal with it. But at that time, when my DS is being hurt aggressively what am I supposed to do? To add context I am a teacher so deal with teenagers daily, this was not the loudest I could shout!

I know she's sad because of DSD behaviour, and normally I'd never normally shout at DSD (we try to parent our own and support with step kids) but really, I just need reassurance or advice from other step families, is it always wrong to shout and discipline Step kids the way you would your own?

its so hard being a blended family sometimes. Sorry for the long post.

It all just sounds like another situation where the adults have put their relationship first and the children are having to live with the consequences. I feel sorry for the 13yo who is obviously acting up because she struggling emotionally.

I think you yelled in alarm and to save a child being injured.
Your actions are understandable.

You can still be sorry that you shouted but the DSD really needs to apologise for hurting a kid and not listening to a very reasonable request to not leave the child trapped. The boy's head and neck are vulnerable and you didn't have minutes to free him - but rather seconds.

Your partner should forgive you once she accepts that her daughter is responsible for going to her own Dad's for Christmas.

Hopefully the DSD will miss the fun with her sibling and Mum and learn a lesson.

This is the big problem with blended families IMO. The fact that she can phone her dad and go to stay with him and get told by him that she hasn't done anything wrong makes it incredibly difficult for you and your DP to parent effectively. Your DP is in the wrong here but it's hard for her too.

You're not in the wrong to have shouted as pp have said- but I would try to access a lot of empathy and compassion for your DP here rather than trying to keep arguing your point

I agree with this. Christmas raises emotions and I think the mature response is to make the peace not need to be right. If it becomes a pattern in the new year then deal with it.

Also, I picked up on you calling your step daughter 'a really jealous person, like her dad' and I don't think that's on. She's 12 years old, she's not jealous, she's insecure and feeling vulnerable. I hope you can meet this insecurity with reassurance and compassion rather than judgement and writing her off as someone who is like her dad who, by your own words, 'isn't a very nice person'

You did nothing wrong; another child was being actively hurt and she was doubling down on her behaviour.

Your partner is being quite unreasonable blaming you for her flouncing off to her dad's. Her partner needs to stand with you on this.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about disney dad, who is clearly happy to undermine your efforts to raise a considerate, empathetic, well-adjusted pre-teen.

@CalistoNoSolo I don't agree, I think the problem is the parents. If they didn't allow DSD to phone her dad to pick her up every time she got in trouble, she might actually learn that her behaviour has consequences. But as it is she is not having to deal with the aftermath of her own behaviour. She is also being rewarded for had behaviour by getting attention from both parents.

a child was getting hurt from her tantrum and you’ve every right to shout if her parent wasn’t dealing with it. Let her strop off, she will have to realise the world doesn’t revolve around her

What about the many teenage children who behave terribly to their intact biological family? Stop making this about blaming parents for wanting to end an unhappy marriage and for wanting to find some happiness.

Sorry but your DP is not an amazing woman if she is taking DSD's side with regard to her bratty behaviour whether she thought she was being funny or not. She was hurting her younger step sibling out of spite and going through puberty or being hungry is not a valid excuse for DSD or for her mum to make excuses for her.

Update my DP has woken up and apologised. She has said she knows DSD was in the wrong and her behaviour has been unacceptable lately, but it's the thought of not seeing her at Christmas, the fact that she is being terrible added to the fact she has her ex almost enabling these behaviours and it got too much for her to deal with last night so she blamed me because she couldn't mentally deal with it at the time. We've had a good chat over a morning dog walk and as ever communication is key.

Going to see if DSD wants to come to the cinema with me and my DD and DS (they really get on normally) and take things from there with her but put no pressure on if she says no. At this moment in time we are going to get Christmas done then look to try to do things to mitigate any possible sibling fighting. We are also going to put in place one night a week where it is just my DP and DSD so she gets quality time with just her mum, but we will do that in the new year as don't want to be seen to be rewarding this recent behaviour.

Like we did with my DD we will get there, but it will be tough as thankfully me and my ex work well together with both our kids and their blended environment - not something we will get from DPs ex. We will get there though, part of it is that we do have a stable loving environment in which the kids do feel safe to let off steam and we get that too.

Thanks for the support when I felt truly awful last night. Unless you have a blended family with teenagers it is really hard to understand the process, but DP has acknowledged that I did need to shout in that scenario and the fact it's the first time I have in three years shows the severity. I have also acknowledged how hard and emotionally draining it must be for DP as no one wants their child to effectively not be with them. We will crack this, with love, rules, sensible boundaries, time and patience, but my gosh it's tough at times.

I get that is an easy viewpoint to have but we really do look to put our kids happiness as an equal priority alongside ours.

What we have done for all our kids is show how a loving stable relationship works and how you can work, love and respect each other, values certainly my DSD didn't see previously. There is no doubt in me and DP mind that our kids are all in a better place with better role models, better opportunities and better educational support in our home environment and generally this plays out.

We will work together to try and support DSD to get to the other side of this but her current behaviour is totally unacceptable and is not warrented. We will put things in place to not only discipline but support her. I don't understand how this is putting our happiness above the child's?

It’s great to see you worried enough to post on here which is a really encouraging sign in terms of moving forward. I suspect everything was heightened by it being Christmas: Dsd had a weapon in flouncing off to wind DP up more than it might normally have done because DP will have been understandably disappointed at the thought she may not be back for Christmas. I suspect that was behind her reaction. Lots of families, blended or not, overreact around Christmas as there is way too much pressure for things to be great. Two things I would caution, however. First, your Dsd will be going through some pretty wild emotions with puberty alone and the truth is blended families can heighten that. The “ world is not fair to me” behaviour and feeling jealous of siblings is pretty common. However when the child can also think there are SS it is all that much easier for them to find truth or indignation in those thoughts. I noticed when you said DS is really nice to DP and they get on well, you were focusing on what a great kid your DS is and how “jealous” Dsd is. If we are getting that vibe on a quick thread, I imagine there might be more there that is fuelling her behaviour. My second point is related to that, which is that you clearly speak very uncharitably of your DP’s ex. ( and please don’t bother responding with a “Im normally very nice about him/ absolutely hide this etc” denial” as you patently dislike him and children are highly attuned to these vibes). Please be sensitive to the fact that while you may have your opinions, DSD loves him, and knowing someone you love is not respected will fuel and fire rebellious feelings as in her mind you become the enemy in one facet of her life. It’s natural for her to have feelings for him - just as you did when you saw DS being disrespected.

children are highly attuned to these vibes
Absolutely, they always know

Further to my previous post, I can't help but wonder if she has picked up on you comparing her to her dad...

I would hope not as it's something DP does rather than what I do because I'm aware that's not my place to do so.

And while I get what you said about not saying we don't say anything bad about her dad in front of DSD but the truth is I certainly don't, but he is and has been horrible to me and my DP on several occasions and often when he is with his kids.

It's correct that they will definitely get the vibe that we don't like him and I will be cautious of that as however much of an arsehole he is and however he enables and enforced some behaviours (as an example he is quite openly racist), he is their dad and they do love him. It's difficult.

It is difficult, I do understand that. But it’s probably even worse for DSD …

And if she hadn't been forced to live with an unrelated man she undoubtedly wouldn't want to stay with her father all the time. Its inherently selfish to make any child live with a new boy/girlfriend and I'm yet to hear of or see a 'blended' family where the children are truly happy and settled.

Yup, which is why we will maintain boundaries and house rules but also look to offer support and some quality time for her and mum.

I think we will sort it and Christmas has definitely heightened things. But if she behaves like she did last night to deliberately cause harm to anyone, not just my DC, then I would still react in the same way. Hopeful she wants to come with us today and it goes well.

Just remember that she is not her dad. And inheritating similar mannerisms doesn't make her him, either.

And please remember that jealousy in children and teenagers, especially to other children in their household, is insecurity and fear they can't articulate. Too often they're made to feel ashamed when what they need is compassion & reassurance.

… I guess I just thought some of the not very nuanced: “ what a brat” comments from pp were pretty unfair on someone who is still in many ways a child but nevertheless fielding some of the difficult tensions you are alluding to yourself. That behaviour sounds as though she is angry and resentful and struggling and confused. Even seeing your DS getting on with her mum will be confusing when she clearly isn’t managing that with all the hormones raging. It would have made me see red at that age.

This. I can't believe this pair have only been together three years and have forced their teenagers/preteens to live with unrelated children.

It’s also not that helpful to pretend the dad is a saint when he very clearly isn’t. I think staying neutral whenever he is discussed is a good idea but no, you don’t have to like him and my guess is the damage is probably coming the other way, from the dad slagging you off. DSD will in time see the difference between the two of you and while some adult children are still in thrall to abusive/horrible parents, most of them wise up to their faults. Play the long game, which it sounds like you’re doing.

You’re also absolutely right about modelling a good healthy relationship to them. This is vital. Sacrificing yourself by staying single for the sake of your kids doesn’t actually do them any favours in terms of learning how a partner should treat them and how they should treat a partner. Some people become convinced that having a stepparent is so awful for the children that they should never have a date until they are 18 (or have FWB arrangements that must be weird as hell for the kids when they inevitably realise). It’s usually people like this who then start hating on blended families claiming they can never be happy set ups.

W

And if she hadn't been forced to live with an unrelated man she undoubtedly wouldn't want to stay with her father all the time. Its inherently selfish to make any child live with a new boy/girlfriend and I'm yet to hear of or see a 'blended' family where the children are truly happy and settled.

Come on, not a single one? You do realise that most teens act out right? There are a lot of happy functioning blended families and there are also lots and lots of intact families that are miserable and highly dysfunctional.

The generalisation of all blended families being bad is, in truth, a bit nasty. We genuinely have a really good one that works really well a lot of the time. We have such a wide range of personalities and positive influence from all the kids but we are having a tough time with one at the moment and yes, in a blended family there are many other influences at play that can be a driver for this. There also can be a LOT of really positive experiences and learnings that all our DC have benefitted from as part of our blended family that they otherwise wouldn't.