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Original poster

For shouting at DSD

65 replies

TiredManDad · 23/12/2023 01:15

I know blended families can be really hard at times and we try incredibly hard to make ours work but we have a crazy mix. DSD are 17 and 12 and my DD is 14 and DS 10.

Me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and have a decent dynamic, I have my kids every weekend, the older DSD is with us full time and the younger all apart from every other weekend.

Long story short younger DSD is going through puberty and has been awful.to us these last few months. We are aware and handle her rants with patience. She has been nasty to me and my DP on several occasions but I let my DP deal with her. Recently when we have enforced rules she has run off to her dad where she can pretty much do what she wants.

Anyway tonight we were off to get pizza after a long day and DSD starts pushing the car seat forward trapping my DS in the car as we stopped. Me and DP asked her to stop, she then rather than stop, started kicking the chair as hard as she could that was trapping my DS head. I shouted louder than I ever have for her to stop as I could see he was in pain and got out to comfort him.

DSD then hurled lots of teary abuse at us and got her dad to pick her up. DP is now angry at me and says I shouldn't have shouted, it's a soft seat so me and DS are overreacting and now I've ruined Christmas because I've driven DSD away by shouting at her. DP says I was unreasonable and should have let her deal with it. But at that time, when my DS is being hurt aggressively what am I supposed to do? To add context I am a teacher so deal with teenagers daily, this was not the loudest I could shout!

I know she's sad because of DSD behaviour, and normally I'd never normally shout at DSD (we try to parent our own and support with step kids) but really, I just need reassurance or advice from other step families, is it always wrong to shout and discipline Step kids the way you would your own?

its so hard being a blended family sometimes. Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
StBrides · 23/12/2023 10:06

Even seeing your DS getting on with her mum will be confusing when she clearly isn’t managing that with all the hormones raging. It would have made me see red at that age.

Actually that's a good point, from that age and throughout my teens I would have felt very threatened (read: insecure, worried, left out) by this.

The op has said they're going to make sure she has regular one on one time with her mum so it sounds like they're not insensitive to this and taking steps to reassure her, which is lovely.

Just a thought, @TiredManDad , but if her dad has relationships - especially if a partner comes with children - then she may be feeling insecure from that too. If her dad plays favourites or openly compares then it will make it much worse

Needsomesupport84 · 23/12/2023 10:07

Also whatever the family type, children don’t get to choose set ups in any case. You could say it’s unfair for parents to have more kids if the oldest child liked being an only child and doesn’t like her siblings. You could say it’s unfair if the parents decide to move and the child loved the old house/area. You could say it’s unfair if the parents use childcare and the child prefers to be at home. It is actually a good thing for children to learn that they don’t dictate decisions about the house. I also know of several families who have lodgers, friends or older siblings partners living with them and the kids are fine with it. But nobody seems to make as much of a fuss as when it’s a parent’s partner (and usually only when it’s the mums male partner, not as many “unrelated woman” posts).

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:10

Needsomesupport84 · 23/12/2023 09:57

And if she hadn't been forced to live with an unrelated man she undoubtedly wouldn't want to stay with her father all the time. Its inherently selfish to make any child live with a new boy/girlfriend and I'm yet to hear of or see a 'blended' family where the children are truly happy and settled.

Come on, not a single one? You do realise that most teens act out right? There are a lot of happy functioning blended families and there are also lots and lots of intact families that are miserable and highly dysfunctional.

THIS

StBrides · 23/12/2023 10:13

I don't think telling the op that blended families are selfish and wrong is going to help matters...What do you think he's going to do? Move his & his children out because strangers on mumsnet have said they don't approve?

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:16

Needsomesupport84 · 23/12/2023 09:52

It’s also not that helpful to pretend the dad is a saint when he very clearly isn’t. I think staying neutral whenever he is discussed is a good idea but no, you don’t have to like him and my guess is the damage is probably coming the other way, from the dad slagging you off. DSD will in time see the difference between the two of you and while some adult children are still in thrall to abusive/horrible parents, most of them wise up to their faults. Play the long game, which it sounds like you’re doing.

You’re also absolutely right about modelling a good healthy relationship to them. This is vital. Sacrificing yourself by staying single for the sake of your kids doesn’t actually do them any favours in terms of learning how a partner should treat them and how they should treat a partner. Some people become convinced that having a stepparent is so awful for the children that they should never have a date until they are 18 (or have FWB arrangements that must be weird as hell for the kids when they inevitably realise). It’s usually people like this who then start hating on blended families claiming they can never be happy set ups.

It’s too black and white to say blended families can never be happy. And very often they have arisen because they were an infinitely better option to the alternative. But it’s also being blind to reality ( and ultimately not helpful to blended family members) not to recognise that the challenges ( and challenges exist in every family) are heightened. The natural biological instinct of children is to want to be forefront in their parents mind. It’s survival instinct and is true of human babies as much as animals. It’s so strong as even to cause jealousy amongst natural siblings. The corresponding impulse of a parent to protect their young is also strong. Of course their are outlying situations: parents who never awaken that instinct and abandon their children etc. But as a general rule these impulses exist and it doesn’t take a genius to see blended families put more pressure on these instincts. Indeed, this very post …

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:17

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:16

It’s too black and white to say blended families can never be happy. And very often they have arisen because they were an infinitely better option to the alternative. But it’s also being blind to reality ( and ultimately not helpful to blended family members) not to recognise that the challenges ( and challenges exist in every family) are heightened. The natural biological instinct of children is to want to be forefront in their parents mind. It’s survival instinct and is true of human babies as much as animals. It’s so strong as even to cause jealousy amongst natural siblings. The corresponding impulse of a parent to protect their young is also strong. Of course their are outlying situations: parents who never awaken that instinct and abandon their children etc. But as a general rule these impulses exist and it doesn’t take a genius to see blended families put more pressure on these instincts. Indeed, this very post …

Show quote history

That doesn’t condemn them. It just recognises the challenges.

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:19

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:17

That doesn’t condemn them. It just recognises the challenges.

Show quote history

Sorry: “ of course THERE are.” Thats a chalk on blackboard typo…

DragonFly98 · 23/12/2023 10:28

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 02:01

Both your DSD and DP have behaved very badly, DSD for hurting your son and DP for excusing her DD’s behaviour based on hunger.

Please don’t allow them to excuse their behaviour based on hormones. DSD is 17, not a child. She sounds like a manipulative brat for hurting your son and then crying when called out on it.

You need to protect your children and if they are not safe and happy in a home with DP and DSD then you should think about leaving DP.

She is 12 not 17 and very much a child.

Needsomesupport84 · 23/12/2023 10:31

OP and his DP do seem very aware of the challenges though - more so than many others. I think a much bigger problem is the father here. His behaviour sounds contemptible and he is probably the reason the DD is acting out, trying to get his attention and affection. Let me guess, he jumps to come and ‘save’ her after an argument with her mum but doesn’t give much of a shit the rest of the time. She can do what she likes at his house = he doesn’t give a shit. If he was a decent person he would parent her properly rather than try to score points against his ex. The DD will realise in time and it sounds like she is very lucky to have a stepdad who is caring and empathetic.

Oh and the “can’t believe you are living together after just three years”. So so many people have kids with someone they barely know (sometimes within months) and they turn out to be an abusive knob who has a negative influence on the kids. But I guess living with a related man (no matter how bad) is fine though.

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 10:32

DragonFly98 · 23/12/2023 10:28

She is 12 not 17 and very much a child.

Show quote history

Yes, OP has already said that 🙄

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 11:18

Needsomesupport84 · 23/12/2023 10:07

Also whatever the family type, children don’t get to choose set ups in any case. You could say it’s unfair for parents to have more kids if the oldest child liked being an only child and doesn’t like her siblings. You could say it’s unfair if the parents decide to move and the child loved the old house/area. You could say it’s unfair if the parents use childcare and the child prefers to be at home. It is actually a good thing for children to learn that they don’t dictate decisions about the house. I also know of several families who have lodgers, friends or older siblings partners living with them and the kids are fine with it. But nobody seems to make as much of a fuss as when it’s a parent’s partner (and usually only when it’s the mums male partner, not as many “unrelated woman” posts).

No children don’t get to choose. That lack of autonomy doesn’t automatically shut down any natural feelings resulting from the circumstances however. And of course they aren’t as threatened by friends or lodgers: that’s just sidestepping the point by a country mile.

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 11:25

StBrides · 23/12/2023 10:13

I don't think telling the op that blended families are selfish and wrong is going to help matters...What do you think he's going to do? Move his & his children out because strangers on mumsnet have said they don't approve?

And sometimes they can be better than the alternative. I think OP is at least genuinely trying - and I hope sees a lot of the “extra tension” comments as understanding, not condemnatory. But ultimately there is an onus on adults who have created these situations to step up and attempt to mitigate theses issues for the children who ultimately, as pointed out by another op ( albeit for different reasons), have had the situation thrust upon them.

NoNonsenseMom · 03/04/2024 14:35

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FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 03/04/2024 14:40

@NoNonsenseMom why did you revive this zombie thread just to announce you assault kids?

NoNonsenseMom · 03/04/2024 14:52

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