Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this obsession with Sundays is unfair

87 replies

luckyc26 · 22/12/2023 12:26

Been with DP 5 years, and MIL/his family expect us to alway be available on Easter Sunday, Xmas, Boxing Day, and the Sunday after any family birthday free, every year without fail.

For everything except Xmas, they usually don’t mention anything until 24-48 hours before, and then call to check that we’ll be there at a location of their choosing, which is always in the town where they live but 25 mins from us. When we’ve suggested meeting in the middle (sometimes for fairness and sometimes for a refreshing change, they say they don’t like the menu or it’s too expensive - which it isn’t, it’s the same as the places they go).

In total this is 9 weekends of the year, including the summer bank hol and the weekend before Xmas. If we say sorry, we can’t do tomorrow as we have plans and nothing had been mentioned by you, they say “well you KNOW we do this on this day every year”. Which is true, but I don’t think we should be so inflexibly bound by their traditions?

DP is so used to this behaviour that he doesn’t question it, which makes navigating the topic very hard. I come from a family where everyone is very relaxed about when we celebrate things, and makes plans far in advance so everyone is clear on what’s going on. I’ve tried to ask for more notice, and suggested perhaps we could do a weekday evening sometimes instead of a whole Sunday. But they won’t budge and always make an excuse.

For context - his family work either part time or don’t work due to disability, and we both work full time Mon-Fri, so our weekends are precious for relaxing, getting housework and maintenance done, and seeing our friends, as well as family.

Am I insane/a control freak who can’t relinquish my diary? Or is this behaviour totally unfair on their part? DP and I have a very healthy relationship and have made our peace with each other about it, but it still causes issues when the family ring to confirm our attendance. Any advice?

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 22/12/2023 16:04

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:33

If it's 9 Sundays maximum, leaving 43 Sundays free, and it's your Easter/Christmas/birthday visit, then that's ok surely. Would some people not see their families for those events then?

Well the OP might want to see her own family.

Or go on holiday, especially over Easter,

DancesWithDucks · 22/12/2023 16:09

Can your DP stand up to the guilt tripping, without resenting you? "Yes Auntie Guilt-Us-Up, we are missing this meetup but we'll be there for the next and thoroughly looking forward to it!" Rinse and repeat.

IF he can't then you're going to have to let him go alone or go along with it yourself ... forever. Or decide to go separate ways.

I'd take a good hard long look at his behaviour and his parents' expectations for how things are going to be if you have kids.

KombuchaKalling · 22/12/2023 16:10

I think boundaries are needed as it all sounds a bit much and the rigidity about where / when sounds excessive. Especially the back story about them not working so most likely have way more free time. I can see why it gets in the way of you seeing your family which isn’t fair. As others have said how about some of the time you both go and at others just your partner does?

My ex husbands family were quite like this. They used to fixate a lot about Easter but sometimes l had to work, sometimes l wanted to see my family (they didn’t live near where we did) and sometimes l wanted to relax. Set in stone arrangements don’t work for me

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 22/12/2023 16:12

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:33

If it's 9 Sundays maximum, leaving 43 Sundays free, and it's your Easter/Christmas/birthday visit, then that's ok surely. Would some people not see their families for those events then?

Exactly. 9 Sundays to see family sounds fine to me.

AnnaMagnani · 22/12/2023 16:13

Don't marry or have children with this man until he has learnt how to withstand his parents guilt tripping.

It's perfectly normal that as your kids turn into adults they have other commitments.

easylikeasundaymorn · 22/12/2023 16:16

It doesn't sound particularly unreasonable to be honest - most families see each other over christmas/easter and on birthdays, so I don't see how them doing theirs on the sunday after each event is any more imposing than the normal expectation? If anything it makes things easier as you then have the actual day free to do other stuff.

On one hand you say you want them to give you more notice but they are very clear - it's the sunday after each event, never changes, and neither does the venue, so they are giving you more than a year's notice for every event!

Same with where you meet - if they all live in the same place it makes sense you go to them. All of my family live in one area and I live elsewhere so it's almost always me doing the travelling. Yes it's a bit annoying but it makes sense. Also if the events other than the 2 holidays (easter/xmas) are for their birthdays then they get to choose where they go. Obviously for your/dh/your kids bdays if you'd rather go out somewhere else you get to choose. But it's not unreasonable for the birthday person to choose the venue, and if it's somewhere they know everyone will eat at, who cares if its not the most exciting? You have literally every other week of the year to eat somewhere else.

The only unreasonable bit is you feeling you have to go along with all of them. e.g. I wouldn't not book a holiday because it spans the sunday after SIL's birthday or something. Similarly if its a week like this one, and they want to see you the sunday before christmas (24th) and then boxing day just say no, we don't need to see each other twice in 3 days, we'll just see you on boxing day as planned.

OVienna · 22/12/2023 16:18

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:31

This wouldn't bother me. I expect to see my family at Easter, Christmas and for family birthdays and a 25 min commute is a lot less than the one I do. I am not sure why it's a problem but if it is, can't your dh tell them you need more notice?

what about the OPs family?

spriots · 22/12/2023 16:35

On one hand you say you want them to give you more notice but they are very clear - it's the sunday after each event, never changes, and neither does the venue, so they are giving you more than a year's notice for every event!

This struck me as well.

If you want to see your family on Christmas/Easter, of course that is reasonable - though you haven't mentioned that as an issue you have so I wonder if it is a problem?

But otherwise, I think they are giving you plenty of notice, just in a different way to how you're expecting to receive it.

If you can't make one because you want Christmas with your family one year or because you want to go on holiday or whatever, they shouldn't guilt trip you about it and your DP does need to stand up to them about it.

But if you don't want to go because you want to relax or do DIY or something, that comes across as a bit petty? It's not that many occasions in a year. Of course I am assuming that this is otherwise a healthy relationship and he attends family events on your side as well.

whatchagonnado · 22/12/2023 17:01

Can you book a holiday away at Easter? And / or the Summer bank holiday? It might break the pattern of expectations

CruCru · 22/12/2023 17:26

whatchagonnado · 22/12/2023 17:01

Can you book a holiday away at Easter? And / or the Summer bank holiday? It might break the pattern of expectations

Yes, go skiing!

TheCatfordCat · 22/12/2023 17:33

I work 5 Sundays out of 6 so that wouldn't work for me. When I was married I suppose I would have sent ex-DH alone.

Becgoz7 · 24/03/2024 22:37

luckyc26 · 22/12/2023 12:26

Been with DP 5 years, and MIL/his family expect us to alway be available on Easter Sunday, Xmas, Boxing Day, and the Sunday after any family birthday free, every year without fail.

For everything except Xmas, they usually don’t mention anything until 24-48 hours before, and then call to check that we’ll be there at a location of their choosing, which is always in the town where they live but 25 mins from us. When we’ve suggested meeting in the middle (sometimes for fairness and sometimes for a refreshing change, they say they don’t like the menu or it’s too expensive - which it isn’t, it’s the same as the places they go).

In total this is 9 weekends of the year, including the summer bank hol and the weekend before Xmas. If we say sorry, we can’t do tomorrow as we have plans and nothing had been mentioned by you, they say “well you KNOW we do this on this day every year”. Which is true, but I don’t think we should be so inflexibly bound by their traditions?

DP is so used to this behaviour that he doesn’t question it, which makes navigating the topic very hard. I come from a family where everyone is very relaxed about when we celebrate things, and makes plans far in advance so everyone is clear on what’s going on. I’ve tried to ask for more notice, and suggested perhaps we could do a weekday evening sometimes instead of a whole Sunday. But they won’t budge and always make an excuse.

For context - his family work either part time or don’t work due to disability, and we both work full time Mon-Fri, so our weekends are precious for relaxing, getting housework and maintenance done, and seeing our friends, as well as family.

Am I insane/a control freak who can’t relinquish my diary? Or is this behaviour totally unfair on their part? DP and I have a very healthy relationship and have made our peace with each other about it, but it still causes issues when the family ring to confirm our attendance. Any advice?

9 sundays out of the whole year 🤷‍♀️ seems a bit mean not to go. 25 minutes really isn't that bad.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page