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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this obsession with Sundays is unfair

87 replies

luckyc26 · 22/12/2023 12:26

Been with DP 5 years, and MIL/his family expect us to alway be available on Easter Sunday, Xmas, Boxing Day, and the Sunday after any family birthday free, every year without fail.

For everything except Xmas, they usually don’t mention anything until 24-48 hours before, and then call to check that we’ll be there at a location of their choosing, which is always in the town where they live but 25 mins from us. When we’ve suggested meeting in the middle (sometimes for fairness and sometimes for a refreshing change, they say they don’t like the menu or it’s too expensive - which it isn’t, it’s the same as the places they go).

In total this is 9 weekends of the year, including the summer bank hol and the weekend before Xmas. If we say sorry, we can’t do tomorrow as we have plans and nothing had been mentioned by you, they say “well you KNOW we do this on this day every year”. Which is true, but I don’t think we should be so inflexibly bound by their traditions?

DP is so used to this behaviour that he doesn’t question it, which makes navigating the topic very hard. I come from a family where everyone is very relaxed about when we celebrate things, and makes plans far in advance so everyone is clear on what’s going on. I’ve tried to ask for more notice, and suggested perhaps we could do a weekday evening sometimes instead of a whole Sunday. But they won’t budge and always make an excuse.

For context - his family work either part time or don’t work due to disability, and we both work full time Mon-Fri, so our weekends are precious for relaxing, getting housework and maintenance done, and seeing our friends, as well as family.

Am I insane/a control freak who can’t relinquish my diary? Or is this behaviour totally unfair on their part? DP and I have a very healthy relationship and have made our peace with each other about it, but it still causes issues when the family ring to confirm our attendance. Any advice?

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 22/12/2023 12:59

YANBU
But meeting in the middle for a 25min journey - really??!!

KnowThyself · 22/12/2023 13:00

9 Sundays is not much plus it’s only 25 minutes away. If you have children how many Sundays will you want to see them when they are adults. Plus you know roughly what Sundays they will be. Christmas should be alternated though. If anyone is a practicing Christian then Easter is the most important event of the year so some consideration is needed.

CruCru · 22/12/2023 13:03

I used to go out with someone whose family would expect us over for Sunday lunch every week. He’d get sort of funny when I was busy.

I don’t think this is about the frequency of the visits but rather that they are set in stone - it makes me think of the late Queen’s expectation that everyone would go to Sandringham for Christmas.

It’s too late to change Christmas this year but make plans with your family at Easter. Invite them along - when they try to change your plans say that it won’t suit your family to do that.

Hbh17 · 22/12/2023 13:07

9 Sundays in a year sounds like too many, but you are not joined at the hip - you can just attend maybe 2 or 3 and your partner can go to all/as many as he likes.
Why not book a foreign holiday to cover one of these weekends, and then at least you'll be starting to break the habit?

autumn1610 · 22/12/2023 13:07

My issue would be the fact they haven’t taken my family into consideration. 25 mins is nothing in terms of a drive I wouldn’t use that as a reason. But I would gently remind them that there are two families and that you would also like to spend time with yours.

Squirrelblanket · 22/12/2023 13:14

Nine Sundays on set days sounds a lot to me. The OP also hasn't said these are the only occasions they see them. I used to see my in laws once a quarter and that was plenty. We have my family, other family, friends and having our own life too to fit in.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 13:17

Why do they get all the big holidays? What about your family - does this mean you and your DP haven't spent Christmas Day with your side since you got together?

Allshallbewell2021 · 22/12/2023 13:17

I think how much time you spend with each other's family is a critical negotiation in every relationship. We all have to give and take to make things work and it is hard to judge the relative overall generosity on either side.
I feel I have to pick my battles. Sometimes we feel it's all give and sometimes we are receiving generosity and feeling entitled to it so we don't count it as generous.
Tough call - but the ideal first stage is being honest with your partner. I haven't read the whole thread. But that's the best place to start if that's possible.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2023 13:17

Count yourself lucky. My friend had to spend EVERY weekend with bf's family. Not in the UK though.

That's why I'm always sceptical when MNers say they want a man who is close to his family.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2023 13:18

Just don't go. They can't make you and it's not like they're going to come and round you up. Just tell them it's too short notice and you have other plans that weekend.

They're allowed to not budge and be inflexible, because they know you'll show up anyway. Call their bluff.

Tiiredofthiss · 22/12/2023 13:19

I wouldn't spend 9 Sundays of the year with my in laws, I would decline and let DH go alone to some of them. What about seeing your own family and friends on the holidays?
A 25 minute journey is nothing though, you'd be unreasonable to complain about that.

WashItTomorrow · 22/12/2023 13:20

I think it’s quite a lot. I’d bow out of some of them. What if you said you had your own family traditions for Xmas, birthdays, Easter, etc?

bridgetreilly · 22/12/2023 13:21

They definitely don’t get Christmas and Boxing Day every year. You need to be able to see your family too, and have days on your own as well if you want. Make a plan for Christmas each year and tell them well in advance what it is.

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2023 13:21

Easter, Xmas and birthdays sound fair enough, those are normal times for people to get together and if you know they want to do something every year then complaining about no notice is a bit weird

But for everything else I would just tell DP to go on his own if he wants, no way would I give up a bank holiday weekend for ILs who are so demanding

trytopullyoursocksup · 22/12/2023 13:21

I think there are too many elements of this arrangement which are inflexible (all of them) and you would feel better about it if you had some choice over the time or the place.
I think, family or not, it is really not on to insist anyone show up at a meal out and a certain place unless you are paying. If everyone is paying, everyone gets a say on where / when it is. (Even if they are hosting, you still get to say no thank you.)

What to do, though?

It will probably be easier in practical terms to refuse to go to some of these occasions than to shift where / when they are. But maybe start with not attending, then when they realise that the pay off to your family getting no say in anything means you don't go, then they might be more flexible.

Try getting your suggestion in first - so when one of the Sundays is coming up, offer brunch or supper at your house or a place near you (out, if it is is brunch, or you might not get rid of them) (long term you might be wanting to move the occasions to other days, but start with the Sunday but at "one end" of the sunday so you can still do other things with the day.) They will say "oh but we were thinking we could do lunch at Chez Albertine like we always do" and you can regretfully make it clear that it's your offer or nothing. At first they might take nothing, but eventually it might get to a place that you are making mutual arrangements like normal adults.

Or not. you may never see them again. Oh well.

susiedaisy1912 · 22/12/2023 13:27

It's not that it's 9 Sundays but it's the fact they are big Sundays. Easter, bank holidays and Xmas this takes the op's choice away from doing anything that weekend. Yanbu op it would annoy me as well. I get that it's your dp family tradition but it's not yours. Your dp has to want to set some boundaries as to how many you have to stick with and how many you can not attend. If he doesn't want to do that then it's a dp problem not a mil problem

NewAgain123 · 22/12/2023 13:34

9 out of 52 Sundays is nothing.

If they've been doing it 'forever' then it started before you got with your partner.

Just go to the ones you can and don't go to the others.

Let your partner go alone

This is only a problem if you make it one

Changingplace · 22/12/2023 13:35

I don’t think 9 Sundays is too many necessarily and 25mins drive is absolutely nothing.

But - the 24/48 hrs notice, being dictated to on all big holidays, and on restaurant choices would drive me up the bloody wall!!

There needs to be some flexibility here, they’re unreasonable to expect to monopolise every single Easter etc, they need to agree these dates & venues with you rather than expecting you to drop everything for their already made plans.

Greenpolkadot · 22/12/2023 13:36

You dont have to go do you..just let DP go by himself
Personally I wouldnt be dictated to about what i was doing on various sundays
even if it is only 9 a year
I dont think youre' inflexible at all,,if anything its the MIL and family,

festivetinseling · 22/12/2023 13:42

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:33

If it's 9 Sundays maximum, leaving 43 Sundays free, and it's your Easter/Christmas/birthday visit, then that's ok surely. Would some people not see their families for those events then?

Perhaps the OP would like to see her own family for once.

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 13:45

It's not 'just 9 Sunday'. It's all the Sundays associated with major holidays and birthdays that they feel they get to dictate to OP and her family time-wise.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 22/12/2023 14:00

Get in first. Message them 2/3 weeks ahead of time 'letting you know we can't make xxx date. Let's catch up at xx time instead'. X

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 22/12/2023 14:05

9 Sunday’s a year is an absolute liberty. We are talking every year for the rest of your life (or specified relatives) here. Having any day including Christmas Day (which you may wish to spend just as a family or with your side of the family) set in stone is unreasonable. If your family did the same that could be in excess of 18 Sundays!

Worth also bearing in mind how few nice weather Sundays we get each year and spending potentially lots of those (if the weather gods aren’t smiling) tied down to unspecified gastro pub hobnobbing with the in-laws would get me irritated.

ZenNudist · 22/12/2023 14:08

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:33

If it's 9 Sundays maximum, leaving 43 Sundays free, and it's your Easter/Christmas/birthday visit, then that's ok surely. Would some people not see their families for those events then?

This. It's not a lot to expect to see family on birthdays Christmas and Easter and you live nearby.

I travel much further to see in law's for similar occasions.

It would only be an issue if your family didn't get a look in.

People on mumsnet always want to ditch their DH family in favour of pottering around their own home or seeing their own family more. I hope my ds wants to see me for family birthdays when we are older.

Drfosters · 22/12/2023 14:08

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect you to never make plans. Before I had children we used to see both family sides lots and I didn’t mind but once children arrived I didn’t want to travel as much and valued our time as a family. Then as they have grown up our weekends have become full of child activities so we don’t really have much time to meet anyway. I don’t think 9 Sundays is unreasonable per se but only if you happen to be free that day. I don’t think you should have to put them in the diary and be bound by them every year and never do anything else. Perhaps at the start of the year go though the diary and tell them the dates you won’t be attending.