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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this obsession with Sundays is unfair

87 replies

luckyc26 · 22/12/2023 12:26

Been with DP 5 years, and MIL/his family expect us to alway be available on Easter Sunday, Xmas, Boxing Day, and the Sunday after any family birthday free, every year without fail.

For everything except Xmas, they usually don’t mention anything until 24-48 hours before, and then call to check that we’ll be there at a location of their choosing, which is always in the town where they live but 25 mins from us. When we’ve suggested meeting in the middle (sometimes for fairness and sometimes for a refreshing change, they say they don’t like the menu or it’s too expensive - which it isn’t, it’s the same as the places they go).

In total this is 9 weekends of the year, including the summer bank hol and the weekend before Xmas. If we say sorry, we can’t do tomorrow as we have plans and nothing had been mentioned by you, they say “well you KNOW we do this on this day every year”. Which is true, but I don’t think we should be so inflexibly bound by their traditions?

DP is so used to this behaviour that he doesn’t question it, which makes navigating the topic very hard. I come from a family where everyone is very relaxed about when we celebrate things, and makes plans far in advance so everyone is clear on what’s going on. I’ve tried to ask for more notice, and suggested perhaps we could do a weekday evening sometimes instead of a whole Sunday. But they won’t budge and always make an excuse.

For context - his family work either part time or don’t work due to disability, and we both work full time Mon-Fri, so our weekends are precious for relaxing, getting housework and maintenance done, and seeing our friends, as well as family.

Am I insane/a control freak who can’t relinquish my diary? Or is this behaviour totally unfair on their part? DP and I have a very healthy relationship and have made our peace with each other about it, but it still causes issues when the family ring to confirm our attendance. Any advice?

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 22/12/2023 14:24

Don't you have family of your own who want to see you on special occasions?

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 14:28

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:31

This wouldn't bother me. I expect to see my family at Easter, Christmas and for family birthdays and a 25 min commute is a lot less than the one I do. I am not sure why it's a problem but if it is, can't your dh tell them you need more notice?

But why should the OP have to spend every Easter, Christmas Day and Boxing Day with her partner's family every single year, in addition to seeing them on every birthday? Why can't she see her own family or friends on those days? It isn't at all fair if she's expected to dance to their tune for every public holiday.

Vegetus · 22/12/2023 14:33

9 weekends a year, 25 minutes away from home. Are you having a laugh? Hardly a slave to them are you...

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2023 14:33

Any advice?

As you know you’re going to be summonsed, your DP should tell them proactively in advance if the Sunday they want to meet is not possible. Then he should arrange a different day instead.

If you invite them to your house, you won’t need to go out to eat. If they decline the invite, you still won’t need to go out to eat.

Really it’s your DP who needs to be able to negotiate and if he can’t be bothered for whatever reason then you have to accept that and decide whether sometimes he goes alone instead.

Creational · 22/12/2023 14:34

It's the set in stone-ness of it that would avoid me. What if you want to go on a fortnight holiday and one of the weekends falls into that? What if friends organise a get together and that's the only date everyone can do? It doesn't always have to be the Sunday after, it could just as easily be the Sunday (or Saturday) before, which could easily be closer to the actual birthday, which would give a lot more flexibility.

RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 22/12/2023 14:42

My family does something similar. I think it's a lovely tradition and guarantees a family get together!
If you don't like it, just don't go.
In my family, a oh sorry I have double booked might earn a few raised eyebrows, but in the end nobody would mind!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2023 14:45

Your husband can go on his own.

I wouldn't spend 1 Sunday with my husband's family. I don't like them. They're his family, not mine

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 14:48

RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 22/12/2023 14:42

My family does something similar. I think it's a lovely tradition and guarantees a family get together!
If you don't like it, just don't go.
In my family, a oh sorry I have double booked might earn a few raised eyebrows, but in the end nobody would mind!

That's great if you partner/spouse is on board and doesn't have or want to see their own family on special holidays.

It's not great if your partner/spouse isn't on board, would like to see their own family on special holidays, too, at times, or maybe just have their own family traditions and time together.

telestrations · 22/12/2023 14:49

9 Sundays is not a lot and 25 min is not far. My only concern would be if I was in effect banned from seeing my own parents on Easter and Christmas.

Just put all the dates into your calender at the begining of the year and if something pops up it clashes with let them know in advance that you wont be making that one. They can move the date or do without you

RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 22/12/2023 14:56

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 14:48

That's great if you partner/spouse is on board and doesn't have or want to see their own family on special holidays.

It's not great if your partner/spouse isn't on board, would like to see their own family on special holidays, too, at times, or maybe just have their own family traditions and time together.

Show quote history

But that's it, me or my partner don't have to go. If I say I spent Christmas & Boxinday with my in laws they'd be a bit disappointed and raie an eyebrow as surely one of these days could be for visiting my family ... but I am an adult and they'd respect my decision.

If I'd doge all special occasions throughout the year, that would raise questions.

bonzaitree · 22/12/2023 15:15

They should 100% book the weekend in advance if they want to see you.

If they don’t tell you until the day before theb they can’t be surprised if it’s a no.

AnonnyMouseDave · 22/12/2023 15:29

IMHO you need to tell them that things need to be booked in the diary at least 2 or 3 weeks ahead, if not longer... but not a year ahead unless it really is a massive family party for a milestone event.

And you need to simply not go when it does not suit. Time with family and in Laws is important... but there is nothing wrong with having other things to do!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/12/2023 15:34

Being pessimistic, knock the ritual of every major Sunday, the ones before, the ones after now, because if you have children, it's expected to continue - and then if you split up, there's an entire lifetime (the children's) of precedent where they always go to his family for Christmas/Easter/Bank Holidays/always having to take holiday before being back in time for the 'massive family events that they would be excluded from and luckyc's harming the children' by wanting to go on holiday/etc.

My mother kicked off when my sister decided to go as a family to her MIL's for Boxing Day and come round 24 hours later 'But Boxing Day's MY DAY'. As though she wasn't around 365 days of the year.

OwlWeiwei · 22/12/2023 15:34

This wouldn't bother me at all. 25 minutes in no travel time at all! And I'd want to celebrate family birthdays. I'd take it in turns with Christmas/Boxing Day/Easter between in-laws, own family and celebrating on our own though.

SantaExpress · 22/12/2023 15:35

Def opt out!!
My DP mum and dad have form for this.. it’s more of a command than an invite and any plans we have are immediately binned in favour of the trek over there to do jobs and drink brutally strong tea!
Oddly, DP is not so keen to go if I dig in and refuse to go with him!! We have spent many a sunny Sunday in their dark living room yelling at his Dad who won’t use his bloody heating aid!!
Join my ‘Opt Out’ club!
(and bugger that with the X amounts of weekends a year… absolutely not!! Very intrusive and tone deaf of them)

bellac11 · 22/12/2023 15:36

What do you mean 'more notice', if these dates are fixed in stone then you know when they are, why do you need specific notice, you're already on notice

And 25 mins from where you live isnt far at all.

SantaExpress · 22/12/2023 15:37

@NeverDropYourMooncup
Good post!👏 so right about children in this sort of situation

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 15:37

9 Sundays a year isn’t very many for seeing ILs, it’s less than once a month. 25 minutes is hardly any distance at all, lots of popl have longer commutes to work and school! If the Sundays they are the same every single year I would argue they have been booked in advance by default, if you know that they’ll want to see you the Sunday after a birthday they don’t really need to arrange it. That said, if there is a conflicting event on one of these Sundays you want to attend it wouldn’t be unreasonable to let them know in advance, ‘Just to let you know we won’t be free on the Sunday after DHs birthday as we’ve got other plans, let us know if we can see you another day that week.’

Andylion · 22/12/2023 15:38

If we say sorry, we can’t do tomorrow as we have plans and nothing had been mentioned by you, they say “well you KNOW we do this on this day every year”.

Then you say “Yes, I know that’s what we’ve always done but this year we want to…. that’s why we’re telling you in advance.”

GrumpyPanda · 22/12/2023 15:42

electriclight · 22/12/2023 12:31

This wouldn't bother me. I expect to see my family at Easter, Christmas and for family birthdays and a 25 min commute is a lot less than the one I do. I am not sure why it's a problem but if it is, can't your dh tell them you need more notice?

You see your own family for holidays and you really and truly can't work out that OP might have a problem because she wants to do likewise and see HER family on at least some of these occasions?

Changingplace · 22/12/2023 15:44

ZenNudist · 22/12/2023 14:08

This. It's not a lot to expect to see family on birthdays Christmas and Easter and you live nearby.

I travel much further to see in law's for similar occasions.

It would only be an issue if your family didn't get a look in.

People on mumsnet always want to ditch their DH family in favour of pottering around their own home or seeing their own family more. I hope my ds wants to see me for family birthdays when we are older.

Show quote history

The OPs family clearly aren’t getting a look in, hence why this is an issue :)

Fivepigeons · 22/12/2023 15:44

It would be fair enough if they actually reminded you and gave you notice but I do think it's selfish of them not to consider that you work and have a busy life that doesn't revolve around theor birthdays so might need reminding or to be flexible on dates and places sometimes

XiCi · 22/12/2023 15:49

I think most people see their families around those times and 25 mins travel is nothing

Original poster
luckyc26 · 22/12/2023 16:00

Thanks everyone - it’s really helpful to hear different opinions outside of mine and DPs.

To clarify, it’s not just those 9 days that we see them - MIL is on the phone every few days asking when DP/we can go round next even if we’ve just seen her a few days before, which I also find quite overbearing. We see them at least once a month together on top of the ‘Sundays’ and he sees her 1 on 1 a lot more than that.

Fully appreciate the comments around 25 mins - I wasn’t saying that’s far at all, it’s more the principle of why do they NEVER want to come to us, and refuse if we suggest it. My family are always happy to chop and change if we go to them or vice versa, so again it’s just oddly strict to me.

Have tried setting boundaries, and DP tries to reason with them in advance around “we can’t do this Easter we’re already doing this” etc, but then has received guilt tripping texts from family members saying he’s upset his mum/aunts etc by bowing out. And as some PP’s have said, I’m concerned it will become a real issue if children come into the mix eventually.

Ultimately I just feel guilty and awkward being seen as the ‘difficult’ one if I don’t go, but also I see it as a common courtesy to ask someone if they’re free as opposed to demanding it. Maybe it’s just an inevitable ongoing clash as our families are so very very different, so our expectations are too!

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 22/12/2023 16:03

This all sounds tedious as fuck to me, OP. Always a standard pub-type lunch, or similar, in a venue that's not great for you, and it's not to be changed in any way.
I wouldn't care for the set-in-stone aspects one bit. Is this highly uncompromising behaviour likely to extend to all your interactions ? What would happen if you decided to have a few days away at the Bank Holiday weekend? Or to spend Christmas in a hotel?
Time to opt-out, just leave it to your DH. (At least on some of the occasions. And best of luck!)