Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boob photo on dh's phone 🥹

117 replies

Honeyplease · 21/12/2023 19:49

Been having marital problems for a while, but of weird sexual coercive type behaviour on dh's part.
Both been working hard on ourselves/relationship and DH is having therapy. In a generally good place but I am still very very nervous about sex and intimacy with him.

He was just showing me some videos of the kids on his phone, went back into his camera roll and I could see a photo of some boobs at the top... I quickly said "What's that!!?" And he quickly put on another video and I repeat "what was that, boobs?" And he said "don't be silly watch the video" he came out of it and I saw them again very quickly... By this point my heart is beating out of my chest .
First he denies it completely, then tries saying I'd seen something else. Then says it's probably something embarrassing like a screen shot of porn by accident. Then goes off in a huff.

I finishing cleaning the kitchen and I am fuming.

He's just come back and said "sorry, it was a screenshot of porn. I've deleted it now. I was embarrassed because I've felt so weird about porn and sex and masturbation etc lately"

I've told him to prove what it was because at the moment my head is going to the worst places and I do not believe him.
Also, the gaslighting has sent me bonus extra livid. I've just gone upstairs I can't stand to talk to him.

The photo was just of a chest and boobs and it seemed to have a green border.
Can anyone tell me, do screenshots save onto camera roll on an iPhone?

Also help with the general situation 🙃

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 22/12/2023 00:09

So he just shouted in your face and pushed you.

Why is it that every AIBU relationship thread about one event, nearly always turns out to be a drip feed about a much bigger problem.

This isn't about nudes really is it? What else has your husband done?

Loubelle70 · 22/12/2023 00:14

TurningtheLightOff · 21/12/2023 21:08

OP, is he worth this hassle?

I don’t know, lately I’ve been wondering why we women put ourselves through this bullshit. What are we actually gaining other than a boatload of heartache? He’s shown who he is (and who someone else is, apparently). Believe him.

You deserve better.

This

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:14

This is about as abnormal relationships get.
Don't pander to him. No pics EVER until 3yrs in or whatever trust you both declare.

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 00:18

Does it really matter where the boobs come from?

He had them saved on the phone and that in itself is enough of an insult to you to scrape him off your shoe and get rid of him.

tachetastic · 22/12/2023 00:18

He's embarrassed. That's all.

It's easy to say "if it isn't anything bad why won't he speak to me about it", but he has been wanking over photos of another womans tits. He feels awkward about it and that doesn't mean he's a bad man.

I think most married men still browse even if they don't finger the goods.

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:20

Would that work the other way around?
I'm guessing no.

tachetastic · 22/12/2023 00:22

When I posted my last message I hadn't seen that he had pushed and shouted at OP.

Hate to say it, but delete and move on.

tachetastic · 22/12/2023 00:24

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:20

Would that work the other way around?
I'm guessing no.

Not sure who that was in response to. If it was to me, then yes it would 100% hold the other way around.

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:26

Hmm, yes. I've seen it first hand but not experienced it.
Please leave if you can. It can only end in sadness

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:32

It was me!

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:34

Very good you'd see the other side but porn in a relationship....feels wrong from the get-go

Firefly2009 · 22/12/2023 00:50

The boob picture isn't the main issue, wherever it came from.

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:59

Surely 'the boob' is the main issue. It came from the title.

QueenBitch666 · 22/12/2023 01:29

I would have personally dumped him for the porn 🤮

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 22/12/2023 01:54

tachetastic · 22/12/2023 00:18

He's embarrassed. That's all.

It's easy to say "if it isn't anything bad why won't he speak to me about it", but he has been wanking over photos of another womans tits. He feels awkward about it and that doesn't mean he's a bad man.

I think most married men still browse even if they don't finger the goods.

Edited

"Finger the goods"???? What a horribly crass way of wording it.

Firefly2009 · 22/12/2023 02:03

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:59

Surely 'the boob' is the main issue. It came from the title.

Not in my opinion.

The update reads that they have since argued more, he shouted in her face and pushed her.

I wouldn't care about porn. There's more trouble in this relationship and a boob picture isn't the core issue.

LaurieStrode · 22/12/2023 02:12

Sorry, but if it gets to this point, the marriage is dead as a doornail.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 22/12/2023 02:23

Then goes off in a huff

I finishing cleaning the kitchen and I am fuming.

He's just come back and said "sorry, it was a screenshot of porn.

He would have said straight away if it was porn. He went off in a huff because he needed time to think of an excuse for it being there.

He's just pushed me and shouted in my face.

I think you know that your marriage is over. Get yourself an STI test and prepare for divorce.

flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 02:26

I was very sad to hear how extreme he reacted. You don't deserve that, the lying and him putting his hands on you. I'm so sorry. You'll feel so much better once this is in the past and you're free of that bs, I can promise you that. It's something to look forward to at least.

5128gap · 22/12/2023 07:38

Do not under any circumstances 'forget about the photo OP' because clearly for you, whatever anyone else thinks about its importance, its a big deal. Hopefully sufficient of a big deal to be the catalyst that makes you get rid of this abusive man for good. If the photo matters to you, hold fast to that. Don't minimise it or allow people to tell you it's normal and fine (debatable and irrelevant) remind yourself of it if your resolve wavers. You need to get out of this relationship. It doesn't matter where you find the motivation to do that.

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 22/12/2023 08:55

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:34

Very good you'd see the other side but porn in a relationship....feels wrong from the get-go

A lot more to digest here than just the boob picture. I’d say frequent use of porn in a relationship is undesirable, but if at the start of a relationship you told a man that they are never for the rest of their life able to use visual assistance to reduce the ‘blueness of their balls’ (arguably an aspect of bodily autonomy) they might consider it to a degree controlling. Images received as messages from other women or nudes of an ex would be a big no.

confusedaboutclothes · 22/12/2023 10:56

PrincessLyrie · 22/12/2023 00:34

Very good you'd see the other side but porn in a relationship....feels wrong from the get-go

@MyCakeyBakeyHeart Totally agree with what you said.

To tell a man they can’t watch porn IMO is ridiculous - obviously it needs to be kept
within a healthy level which some men can’t do. But honestly I believe if your telling a man not to watch porn, he’s 100% going to do it, and lie to you about it anyway, so why set your relationship up for failure like that?

beanontoast · 22/12/2023 11:16

There is no healthy level of porn watching. Why would you be attracted to a man who supports a horribly exploitative industry which is harmful and dangerous for women, and also has negative cognitive impacts on the person watching it? Do you also date men who exclusively buy their clothes from companies using child labour? Please get some standards

FartSock5000 · 22/12/2023 11:59

@Honeyplease enough is enough.

You've given him your best and tried despite his lack of effort and now he has assaulted you.

You must realise that this isn't really love.

He is a liar who puts his hands on you. End it and move on. He won't get any better - he is showing you his true real self.

confusedaboutclothes · 22/12/2023 14:34

beanontoast · 22/12/2023 11:16

There is no healthy level of porn watching. Why would you be attracted to a man who supports a horribly exploitative industry which is harmful and dangerous for women, and also has negative cognitive impacts on the person watching it? Do you also date men who exclusively buy their clothes from companies using child labour? Please get some standards

Of course there is a healthy level - the unhealthy part of it is having a partner that lies to you about it - which i guarantee all men that say they aren’t watching it are!!
What about women watching porn in a relationship, is that as unhealthy too? because i also bet you any money that the couples that do watch it have a better sex life than those that turn their nose up at occasionally watching 2 adults on the internet.