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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pop off to the pub after work

55 replies

toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:06

Is it normal? Have I the right to be a bit annoyed?

my DP would sometimes go to the pub after work for 2-3 hours this would happen sometimes once a week sometimes once a month , although there has been times where he has came home and said he hasn’t been to the pub but I later found out he intact HAS been to the pub, he works a job where everyday he finishes at different times there’s no really set time tbh but never usually after 4 in the winter , so for all I know he could be there everyday ???

I’m currently on maternity leave as our baby is 4 months old , I haven’t even as much got a shower today as I need to wait for dp to return home to watch baby

It’s now 6pm I can’t get a hold of him , I know for a fact where he is , AIBU to be annoyed? I think I’m more annoyed that I stay at home all day and can’t even as much as get a shower but he can finish work and pop to the pub . I’ve discussed this with him before and he said it’s a lad thing he’s allowed (immature I know)

I’ll be very interested to see if he denies being at the pub - he is 100% not at work it’s 6pm there’s a serious storm and he works outside in the freezing cold it’s too dark

anyone else’s partner do this ???? Is it acceptable???? Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 21/12/2023 18:12

I think it's important that free time is shared equally.

So I would ask him where your 2-3 hours a week is.

On a different note I know it's hard to leave a baby alone when they are newborn, you worry about everything but honestly it's absolutely fine to have a shower etc.

Make sure you get some free time at the weekend whilst he takes care of the DC.

Mystro202 · 21/12/2023 18:12

Sorry he is acting this way OP. You definitely need to make it clear to him that it's unacceptable. Lying about it is even worse. But I would like to say I also have a 4 month old and I shower daily with her in the bouncer next to me. Could you try this?

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2023 18:15

Mystro202 · 21/12/2023 18:12

Sorry he is acting this way OP. You definitely need to make it clear to him that it's unacceptable. Lying about it is even worse. But I would like to say I also have a 4 month old and I shower daily with her in the bouncer next to me. Could you try this?

I agree with this. It’s unacceptable for him to go to the pub everyday

. Unless your baby has some other challenges, you should be able to grab a shower with her in a bouncer or similar.

Strawberryjams · 21/12/2023 18:19

Mystro202 · 21/12/2023 18:12

Sorry he is acting this way OP. You definitely need to make it clear to him that it's unacceptable. Lying about it is even worse. But I would like to say I also have a 4 month old and I shower daily with her in the bouncer next to me. Could you try this?

@Mystro202 I remember those days well! Rubbing the steam of the glass to peek out and chat to her 😂

I don’t think it’s fair @toyoloit if you aren’t getting any free time for you. Does he give u a break on his days off for example to go out alone, have a shower, read… As said above I used to shower like this with my LO and after a while it became normal and she wasn’t fussed! Hopefully night felt for u too.

Torganer · 21/12/2023 18:20

I’m not sure why you can’t shower, but he shouldn’t be lying to you. When do you get your ‘time off’?

idontlikealdi · 21/12/2023 18:22

Have a shower, you dont need to wait for him to come home.

The rest of it you need the same time
'Off' as him.

Beezknees · 21/12/2023 18:22

My ex used to do this. Hence he is an ex.

Deathbyfluffy · 21/12/2023 18:23

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2023 18:15

I agree with this. It’s unacceptable for him to go to the pub everyday

. Unless your baby has some other challenges, you should be able to grab a shower with her in a bouncer or similar.

Show quote history

Every day? It’s once a week or even once a month, as per the opening post

TiptoeTess · 21/12/2023 18:23

The shower thing is a red herring- shower early/ in the evening once he’s back / with baby in a bouncer etc- BUT if the real issue is that you aren’t getting any time to yourself and/don’t feel like he’s pulling his weight - that is valid.

Just talk to him about that. I think he should be able to go for a drink once a week or so, but you should get what you need too.

Original poster
toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:24

The only reason I can't shower is because my shower is open with a curtain only no glass so I find the bathroom steams up really bad so I wouldn't even be able to see her 🤣 we're on route to getting a fan installed

I don't have problem with him necessarily going to the pub but I think he should tell me instead of lying , and there's no need to go MULTIPLE times a week, I just hate thinking he's going to come home from work and then he's no where to been and when I ring him it goes to voicemail . I also don't think he should have his phone off what if there was an emergency? I'm not happy to be honest

OP posts:
notacooldad · 21/12/2023 18:27

Dh never did this. He always came straight home. He only went to the pub immediately across the road where we used to live on a Tuesday night for the last hour.
Now the 'kids' are adults he may stop-off on the way hoe and have a catch u with one of them. I usually get a text inviting me to join them though.

notacooldad · 21/12/2023 18:30

The only reason I can't shower is because my shower is open with a curtain only no glass so I find the bathroom steams up really bad so I wouldn't even be able to see her.
I'm still not getting why you can't shower.

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2023 18:32

Deathbyfluffy · 21/12/2023 18:23

Every day? It’s once a week or even once a month, as per the opening post

Show quote history

Oh dear. I’m rewriting OP’s post. Once a week? To complain is harsh but he needs to let OP know when he’s not coming home straight from work as she’ll be looking forward to passing on the baton (baby)

Original poster
toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:33

@notacooldad are you serious 🤣 maybe id much rather not have my baby sit in steam ? But I also would much rather ENJOY my shower instead of feeling the need to rush , so I would obviously much rather dp watch her whilst I can take a shower without worrying ? Btw when I say steam I mean STEAM like the whole bathroom is steamed it looks Smokey you can't see

OP posts:
Torganer · 21/12/2023 18:43

Why does the 4m old baby need to be in the shower room with you? Can’t you put them in the crib for the 5min shower? Or if they have to be in the room, can’t you open the doors and windows?

Torganer · 21/12/2023 18:44

Im not sure what the issue with steam is either? It’s great in helping relieve sinuses in babies.

anotherside · 21/12/2023 18:46

Do you also get 10 (?) hours free time a week?

anotherside · 21/12/2023 18:48

As others have said, the details are irrelevant. All that matters is you tot up how much proper free time each of you get each week to sleep/ watch Tv/go to pub … and make sure it’s about the same.

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2023 18:50

toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:33

@notacooldad are you serious 🤣 maybe id much rather not have my baby sit in steam ? But I also would much rather ENJOY my shower instead of feeling the need to rush , so I would obviously much rather dp watch her whilst I can take a shower without worrying ? Btw when I say steam I mean STEAM like the whole bathroom is steamed it looks Smokey you can't see

Why wouldn’t you want the baby to “sit in steam “?

Ohtobetwentytwo · 21/12/2023 18:50

Says hes a lad which says it all. Biy not a man.

Pre covid, my husband arranged to work from home half the week so he could share nights without worrying about driving the next day and offer a bit of company and take he baby at lunchtime

Your boy is selfish.

Original poster
toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:51

? N also am I crazy or is steam HOT?

To pop off to the pub after work
OP posts:
Bookworm1111 · 21/12/2023 18:52

Why can't you shower when your baby naps? Or do you sit watching her in her cot as she sleeps?

Undineimmor · 21/12/2023 19:02

I put yabu bc my dp is wfh and sees nobody all day and would drive me crazy if he didn't speak to other adults.

Putting restrictions on other people pushes them away and causes resentment. It's Christmas cut some slack.

Undineimmor · 21/12/2023 19:06

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2023 18:15

I agree with this. It’s unacceptable for him to go to the pub everyday

. Unless your baby has some other challenges, you should be able to grab a shower with her in a bouncer or similar.

Show quote history

Where does it say everyday

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 20:20

I don't think he should be lying to you but I don't see why you can't have a shower either.

I was a single parent from 7 months pregnant. I had no support and I showered.