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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pop off to the pub after work

55 replies

toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:06

Is it normal? Have I the right to be a bit annoyed?

my DP would sometimes go to the pub after work for 2-3 hours this would happen sometimes once a week sometimes once a month , although there has been times where he has came home and said he hasn’t been to the pub but I later found out he intact HAS been to the pub, he works a job where everyday he finishes at different times there’s no really set time tbh but never usually after 4 in the winter , so for all I know he could be there everyday ???

I’m currently on maternity leave as our baby is 4 months old , I haven’t even as much got a shower today as I need to wait for dp to return home to watch baby

It’s now 6pm I can’t get a hold of him , I know for a fact where he is , AIBU to be annoyed? I think I’m more annoyed that I stay at home all day and can’t even as much as get a shower but he can finish work and pop to the pub . I’ve discussed this with him before and he said it’s a lad thing he’s allowed (immature I know)

I’ll be very interested to see if he denies being at the pub - he is 100% not at work it’s 6pm there’s a serious storm and he works outside in the freezing cold it’s too dark

anyone else’s partner do this ???? Is it acceptable???? Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 21/12/2023 20:30

OP ignore people picking apart your shower routine etc. The point is this is totally unacceptable with a baby. He needs to be an EQUAL parent in non-working hours.

BurbageBrook · 21/12/2023 20:42

Also personally I'd be feeling sad and disappointed my DP didn't want to come and see DC before bedtime

aubergineman · 21/12/2023 20:48

Not cool that DH isn't communicating with you or giving you a break, but you are being very OTT about the baby/shower situation.

Yes steam is hot when it's boiling out the kettle or off a pan, but steam from a shower has absolutely zero chance of burning your baby. None.

Put the baby in the cot in another room or put them in a bouncer chair in the bathroom and peak out the shower periodically if you're worried.

Have a chat with DH about needing a break and ask him to communicate better.

notacooldad · 21/12/2023 20:51

@notacooldad are you serious 🤣 maybe id much rather not have my baby sit in steam ? But I also would much rather ENJOY my shower instead of feeling the need to rush , so I would obviously much rather dp watch her whilst I can take a shower without worrying ? Btw when I say steam I mean STEAM like the whole bathroom is steamed it looks Smokey you can't see
I didn't have my baby sat in steam. I either had my shower when he was having his nap or before he woke up. At a push and he was awake I'd have him in his bouncy chair.

Jeannie88 · 21/12/2023 20:55

This was pretty normal in previous generations, not so much now as work usually involves driving and things are different. Fine once a week but with a baby you need help and shared responsibility. I'm sure you will be going back to work soon so he will need to step up and forego his after work drinks, he can't make it a normality. X

Jeannie88 · 21/12/2023 20:58

To add, I showered when DC were napping or put into the travel cot/cot/playpen but did usually wait until DH was home so I could it more leisurely. X

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2023 21:03

There’s something particularly galling about this when you have a newborn because you have so little freedom.

Objectively I don’t think going for a couple after work once a week if you’re back early and not drunk is a huge deal. But I would also find this inconsiderate.

FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 21:08

toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:51

? N also am I crazy or is steam HOT?

That’s about steam inhalations. The steam in a bathroom when someone is having a shower is not hot. It can’t be - the water that the steam is coming from isn’t very hot. It’s water vapour really, not steam.

Original poster
toyoloit · 21/12/2023 21:08

Well he's still not home and I still can't get a hold of him, I'm worried now

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 21/12/2023 21:10

I'm pretty sure if you want a longer shower you can do it when he is home or baby is asleep, I managed with 3 babies and still do with 3 toddlers trotting around lol. But my hubby maybe goes once a month for a pint with mates and has never lied. The lying would be a big no no for me. We both get our own time when he is off work and when kids have been ill he chooses not to go out

Undineimmor · 21/12/2023 21:15

I hope he's ok OP. Probably had one too many.

OP I speak from the perspective of an overtired parent who though my OH "should" be doing more when actually he was as doing as much as he could handle and needed a release, some fun and some relaxation to keep him sane. Putting pressure on them to always be home, being angry and guilt tripping them will result in them pulling away and rebellion. I do have sympathy because I've been you. If he feels policed and caged you will get this reaction. I know it seems counterintuitive but treating him with respect and as an adult will result in both of you being happier.
Take the anger out, discuss when he wants to give you a break and how to go forward.

Allfur · 21/12/2023 21:26

Undinemor, ffs, the man can't have any stress can he?!

Riverstep · 21/12/2023 21:32

I would take issue with not being informed about it, not the fact he goes to the pub once a week. It’s just basic manners and consideration to let your partner / spouse know you are planning on going to the pub for a couple of hours.

WandaWonder · 21/12/2023 21:39

There was never a day I did not shower or do normal things just becauseI hads a baby, I also went out and did things by myself when my husband got home while my husband had our child and he did the same

You just work it out between you and you make a choice, if you choose not to go out and/or do your own thing that is not the other persons fault

some parents choose to be glued to their child and no that is not normal

TeaAndBrie · 21/12/2023 21:50

You can have a shower and baby doesn’t need to be in the bathroom with you.
when my DD was 4 months I was living on my own, hours from any family or help whilst my husband was fighting in Afghan.
the pub and the shower are completely different things to be annoyed about and it sounds like your playing the martyr of not having a shower all day as a reason why he needs to come home.

Undineimmor · 22/12/2023 00:07

Allfur · 21/12/2023 21:26

Undinemor, ffs, the man can't have any stress can he?!

It's the slow becoming entrenched in positions that ends the relationship. The anger and resentment. There are other ways to achieve her goals.

Flamingogirl08 · 22/12/2023 00:10

Your fella is a dick for lying and staying out etc but honestly just put the baby down and get a shower. I think that martyrdom may take over your thread.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 22/12/2023 05:08

@WandaWonder I'm glued to my newborn and I spend all my time with my eldest too. I don't think it's not normal, but I do shower, do my housework or nap if I had a long night with the baby all while my partner is at work. This is my job now all be it a temp position. I wouldn't be too happy about him going to the pub everyday though, once in a while fine as long as we do something together at the weekends. The not answering the phone would piss me off but I'm guessing he's not answering because he would be met with abuse over the phone about it. Still not on ... both of you need a sit down talk over dinner when he's not pissed and you're not pissed off. This is a relationship ruiner it needs talking about.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 05:11

He's being very unfair. Please don't worry when he's back late. You know where he is.

Fancycheese · 22/12/2023 05:16

Clearly the lying and you feeling unsupported is the issue here. Ignore the tedious unsolicited advice about your shower routine. That’s a complete red herring. I think you need to have a serious conversation about division of labour and support. He needs to be honest with you about when he’s going out and where he is. It’s not acceptable for him to just drop off the radar.

RJnomore1 · 22/12/2023 05:20

You’re just making up reasons you can’t shower.

However no this is not on. Once a month might be ok if he lets you know. But just disappearing and lying about it is rubbish. Do you have enough cash to afford this at the moment as well? Mat leave can be hard financially.

Scalottia · 22/12/2023 05:21

notacooldad · 21/12/2023 18:30

The only reason I can't shower is because my shower is open with a curtain only no glass so I find the bathroom steams up really bad so I wouldn't even be able to see her.
I'm still not getting why you can't shower.

Me either. A baby can and will survive if OP showers for 10 mins. How do lone parents manage?

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 22/12/2023 05:48

toyoloit · 21/12/2023 18:51

? N also am I crazy or is steam HOT?

If the water isn't hot enough to scald you, the steam won't be hot enough to harm a baby.

HerMammy · 22/12/2023 06:33

Although the OPs DH is being thoughtless, I sometimes think these threads verge on controlling, he must be home or I cannot do this or that, how on earth do these women think single/widowed mums manage?
I understand the but she's not single argument, but not able to shower? that's just ridiculous.

2mummies1baby · 22/12/2023 06:37

Good god, can we please stop piling on the poor woman about the shower situation?! It's not what the post is about!

Your partner is being a dick- when you have a baby that young, you check with the parent who has been stuck at home all day how their day has been before you decide whether or not to go to the pub. Or, god forbid, you rush home to spend as much time as possible with your baby who you haven't seen all day.