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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dirties after I hoover and expects me to clean up

51 replies

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 10:14

Today I am hosting a playdate a home, I have tidied up the flat and hoovered so everything is nice and ready. This is when DH decided to fix his bike and creates a big mess in the bathroom, kitchen and living room. I politely ask him to clean up before leaving for work. He does clean begrudgingly (except the bathroom he tells me he doesn't have time) but before leaving he tells me that I should have cleaned up myself and I am not a caring person and I should have offered to clean. AIBU?

OP posts:
Catza · 21/12/2023 10:59

He shouldn't have made a mess in the first place. It's easy enough to put down a bin bag before doing repairs. I appreciate he may not have had time to do it rushing out to get to work and it sounds as though you are a SAHP. So there may have been an argument for you offering but he should also have been much much nicer about asking you and being extremely apologetic.
I WHF and generally don't mind cleaning up the mess if asked nicely and if my partner acknowledges that he's been a bit of a twat about making a mess to begin with.

billyt · 21/12/2023 11:31

What a selfish, condescending twat

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/12/2023 11:33

He’s pathetic.

Zoreos · 21/12/2023 11:35

What a cheeky cunt, why should you have to clean up after his mess? Tell him to go fuck and grow up.

hellsBells246 · 21/12/2023 11:40

How did he make a mess in three rooms mending his bike? He should clear up after himself, the lazy git.

Original poster
SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:58

Thank you so much for your words. But is it true that I am not being caring? He makes me feel really guilty that I haven't offered to tidy up and now feel like next time I should tidy up without asking him for help?

OP posts:
Original poster
SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 17:00

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:58

Thank you so much for your words. But is it true that I am not being caring? He makes me feel really guilty that I haven't offered to tidy up and now feel like next time I should tidy up without asking him for help?

Of course not. You had just cleaned. How about he starts being a considerate husband?

BibbleandSqwauk · 21/12/2023 17:00

And what does he do for you?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/12/2023 17:02

A man who cares for his wife wouldn't have made a mess and expected her to clean up after him.

Actually no adult should expect another to.

He is a twat and he is trying to Shame Train you!

Original poster
SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 17:02

I am not a SAHP, I am a full time working mum (trying to balance childcare and work together today)

OP posts:
Glenthebattleostrich · 21/12/2023 17:03

Ah so he wants a skivvy who shags him and doesn't comment when he is utterly rude and disrespectful? Ask where he is showing caring by trashing a fat you've just cleaned when you are expecting guests.

Nothingbuttheglory · 21/12/2023 17:03

He wants a slave, sounds like. How does he demonstrate that he cares for you?

AnImaginaryCat · 21/12/2023 17:05

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

After he lovingly made a mess soley for your benefit, I think you are incredibly ungrateful. Shame on you!! Disgrace of a wife.

(Please note, in case it's not obvious, this is to be read as sarcasm.)

mbosnz · 21/12/2023 17:06

I think I'd try and provide him with a working model of just how uncaring I can be. . . y'know, for future reference.

PhoenixReincarnated · 21/12/2023 17:08

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

Tell him you want a husband that is caring and respectful and doesn't treat you as his skivvy expecting you to clean after him. You may be a SAHP (assuming you are) but you're not his mother and the expectation that you will clean up after him is deeply unattractive and unsexy.

amberisola · 21/12/2023 17:10

Oh dear. Sounds like he wants his mummy to clean up behind him, and he's trying to guilt you into filling that role. I think I'd be demonstrating what uncaring actually looks like from now on!

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 21/12/2023 17:11

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

In other words, he wants you to be his second mammy. FML! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Read him the riot act and let him know in no uncertain terms that you're his wife not mother, and if he doesn't grow up and change his attitude, he'll be living alone in the not so distant future.

PhoenixReincarnated · 21/12/2023 17:12

Cross post. That makes him even worse. He sounds like a misogynistic pig who sees childcare and cleaning as your job purely because you're a woman. I'd be tempted to tell him if he doesn't want to clean he could always move out back to mummy and daddy

GenXisthebest · 21/12/2023 17:12

Tell him what you want OP. A husband who is caring enough of you to clear up his own mess. Ask him why does it only work one way?!

Phineyj · 21/12/2023 17:13

My husband has many bikes. He loves nothing more than an hour bike fettling.

He never fixes them in our living space. Who does that?!

Fix the sodding bike in the garage, or outside, like a normal person!

Nevermind31 · 21/12/2023 17:15

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

I suggest you tell him that neither is he caring nor appreciative, and he should have offered to tidy the first time round, then apologise for making a mess, and tidy again.
tell him you want a husband who cares for you, not one who wants a free maid with benefits

Allofaflutter · 21/12/2023 17:16

Tell him you want a husband that isn’t a selfish twat but hey ho you both lucked out.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 21/12/2023 17:16

Putting all his stuff in bin bags outside the door would be uncaring and you should definitely do it.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/12/2023 17:17

SlightlyOCDMum · 21/12/2023 16:59

He said that he wants a wife who does things for him and is caring and that I am not caring at all

I’d tell him to fuck off and find one because I’d much prefer a husband who didn’t leave a fucking mess in his wake.