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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my bf is cheating on me

68 replies

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:18

Bit of a backstory - bf and I have been together 5 years. He cheated on me a couple of years ago with a girl who he'd sworn was "just a friend". We made it through on the proviso that he would never see her again. Fast forward to a few months ago and I found out he was still hanging out with her. I naturally blew my top and made him block her from everything.

I'm now getting the same feeling that I did before (and was always right) but I don't know if it's my paranoia because he's done it before, or if he is actually doing it. He's getting pissed off at me because he thinks I shouldn't keep bringing it up, but my point is that he's lied about it countless times before, so why should I believe him now?

AIBU?

OP posts:

TwilightSkies · 21/12/2023 09:19

You can’t trust him. A healthy relationship should NOT be like this.

QAnoun · 21/12/2023 09:22

Cut your losses, this relationship is a waste of your time.

Universalsnail · 21/12/2023 09:24

Break up with him. Honestly he cheated on you. Then he lied to you about still seeing her. You can't trust him. You need to get some self respect and leave him.

Autumnleaves89 · 21/12/2023 09:24

What are you still doing with him? Whether he’s cheating or not, your relationship sounds like a nightmare. It will never recover from him cheating on you last time. Cut your losses and find someone who respects you.

10HailMarys · 21/12/2023 09:25

You should have broken up with him when he cheated the first time.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/12/2023 09:25

You cannot trust him. Game over is the only way to get happiness now.

Original poster

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:26

10HailMarys · 21/12/2023 09:25

You should have broken up with him when he cheated the first time.

I did but we ended up getting back together

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/12/2023 09:27

And when he lied again? He's not respecting your boundary so he's lost your trust again. I would ditch him

PossumintheHouse · 21/12/2023 09:27

I would never have forgiven him the first time. Especially if it was an affair rather than a one-off.
And then he takes the piss and still ‘hangs out’ with her!? Nope. I’m the bin. Trust your gut.

Chickenkeev · 21/12/2023 09:28

YABU to still be with him tbh. He sounds awful.

Allthewallsarewhite · 21/12/2023 09:29

Unfortunately you have no real control over what he does in his spare time. So if you want to stay with him you either have to just trust him on his word, or if you can't (and you have reason not to) you have to let him go.
Any other relationship dynamic is toxic and stressful for both of you imo

ArchetypalBusyMum · 21/12/2023 09:30

He's demonstrated what his personal moral compass allows past in terms of his behaviour choices.
He's on the straight and narrow... Only as far as you are able to oversee his communications/whereabouts etc.

Honour = how you behave when no one's looking... He's proven he's not honourable, so you either accept this and be the main course knowing he'll partake of side dishes as and when he can.
Or you call it a day.
He's not suddenly going to become someone who sees betrayal as a line he'll never cross so his 'faithfulness' isn't in his own heart it's as consistent as your vigilance.

Suusue · 21/12/2023 09:31

Seriously. Get rid of him. Now.

youngones1 · 21/12/2023 09:31

If he was really into you, he wouldn't cheat, time to leave and get your dignity back.

Didimum · 21/12/2023 09:34

OP, I have every sympathy for those being cheated on but if you don’t leave him asap at this point then you only have yourself to blame for your unhappiness. He cheats on you, he lies to you, he undermines your feelings about being cheated on and lied to, he gets angry at you for him lying to you – tell me why should stay with him?

LadyDanburysHat · 21/12/2023 09:34

You gave him a chance, then a second chance. Don't give him a third. You deserve better than this.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 21/12/2023 09:36

He's cheated on you, stayed in contact with that person, against what he agreed with you, and now is pissed off with you because you aren't all relaxed about it.

He's very committed to his shitty choices, to the extent that he is affronted at the effect it's had on you.
His solution is not to reflect on how he's created this situation, but to place the blame for the friction squarely at your door.
He wants you to put up and shut up, so he can carry on with his nice little life as it was, tossing you just enough crumbs of reassurance that he can say he's done his bit and you should be satisfied.

He reeled you back in last time, you should learn from that pull the drawbridge up and leave him to some other poor victim, you don't need to be grateful he's yours anymore.

Kwasi · 21/12/2023 09:37

He won't change and nor will your distrust for him. You really need to end this unhealthy relationship.

Allthewallsarewhite · 21/12/2023 09:38

Didimum · 21/12/2023 09:34

Put it like that he does sound like a manipulative asshole and I agree, you're better off alone than with someone who's doing this.
I think my previous reply was a bit mild and it's always tempting to stay, because when he realises you are seriously close to ending it he will probably change his tune for a bit. But you really are better off without him unless you are ok with someone deceiving you and manipulating you now and in the future

IdealisticCynic · 21/12/2023 09:38

Gently, OP, this is not a salvageable relationship. Whether he is actually cheating or not, you can’t trust him and nor should you given his conduct. You need to work on your self esteem and work out why you are settling for someone, and a relationship, who/which makes you feel this way.

When you leave him (I hope you do!) and find a good relationship with someone you can trust, you will look back and wonder why you wasted so much time and energy on someone who isn’t worthy of it.

I really have been there. Fiancé cheated on me. I tried to stay in the relationship and I felt awful and anxious. Had the sense to leave before it totally broke me. Have now been with my lovely DH for 15 years and cannot imagine why I thought I should have stayed with the cheating boyfriend when I am so much happier now.

Original poster

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:41

I hate feeling like this - I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting, but really how can I trust him? I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

It's got to the point where I just don't believe anything he says. He said he was having an early night last night, but didn't send his usual good night text (we don't live together) and when I facetimed him, he didn't answer for ages and then called back saying he was asleep, but he had his clothes on in bed which is very unusual.

OP posts:

britnay · 21/12/2023 09:44

If you stay with him longer, then its potentially a waste of 10, 15, 20 years?

RowanMayfair · 21/12/2023 09:44

Don't stay with him because of the time you've already stayed with him. That's called the sink costs fallacy.

Alwaysanotherwine · 21/12/2023 09:44

op relationships are not court cases

you do not need proof

he’s not into you

sorry but guys don’t cheat unless they really want to

he lied - wasn’t just one night stand

then he lied again and sorry but you’re being a mug and taking it

i imagine you are the person he’s happy to keep hanging til he finds someone else with who he works better enough to leave you

i know it sounds harsh but you are allowing it so it’s your fault and you need to end it

Usernamechange1234 · 21/12/2023 09:46

Honestly get rid of this loser! And do it now! Why are you wasting your life in him?

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