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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my bf is cheating on me

68 replies

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:18

Bit of a backstory - bf and I have been together 5 years. He cheated on me a couple of years ago with a girl who he'd sworn was "just a friend". We made it through on the proviso that he would never see her again. Fast forward to a few months ago and I found out he was still hanging out with her. I naturally blew my top and made him block her from everything.

I'm now getting the same feeling that I did before (and was always right) but I don't know if it's my paranoia because he's done it before, or if he is actually doing it. He's getting pissed off at me because he thinks I shouldn't keep bringing it up, but my point is that he's lied about it countless times before, so why should I believe him now?

AIBU?

OP posts:

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/12/2023 10:28

Well, now you know. You personally cannot forget infidelity.

His actions have wrecked your relationship. You need to think about whether this is how you want your life to be. It's your choice, he has no say in how you feel about this or what you decide to do.

It's easy from where I am sat. I hope it quickly becomes as simple for you to sort out

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 10:31

I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting

thsts not right, he’s still seeing the woman he was cheating with, if it was rhe other way around it would be the exact same, it would be clear he is still cheating at worst and at best disrespecting you. They haven’t suddenly become just friends op, you know this.

pinkfondu · 21/12/2023 10:33

The seeds are planted and he isn't making you feel better.how much more time do you want to waste

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 21/12/2023 10:43

It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not. He's been lying about seeing this girl and gaslighting you when you quite reasonably complain. Dump him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/12/2023 10:45

A man that cheats and is let back in will cheat again, because he knows you'll let him get away with it.

I suspect you're right. I'm sorry.

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/12/2023 11:09

Don't waste any more time on him. You deserve better

divinededacende · 21/12/2023 12:39

I really think most people who reconcile after things like this deal with the obvious symptom and not the underlying cause and that's where things go wrong.

He cheated on you and the solution was to stop him seeing her. She wasn't the issue, the issue is that he's liable to cheat. Did you ever get to the bottom of why it happened? What it meant to him? Did he show any insight into his behaviour or how he might change going forward? Did it bring up any reflections on your relationship? I think relationships can recover from most things but ONLY where people are able to take an honest, insightful look at themselves which a lot of people aren't capable of.

The fact is, he cheated and then broken the agreement you both had that let the relationship continue. Presumably, you had another conversation where you gave him some conditions and then, again, let the relationship continue. He's absolutely entitled to want to go about his business without you hanging over his shoulder and dredging things up but you can't do that because you can't trust him. End it. If you don't, you're going to drive yourself nuts thinking about what he's doing and with who and you're likely going to become more controlling until you're just living in a cycle of misery. Even if he has miraculously changed his ways, will you believe it? You've been burned twice now so can you ever trust him again? You can't keep him on a leash. That's not a healthy relationship. Walk away now, learn a lesson and move on.

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 12:47

He's getting pissed off at me because he thinks I shouldn't keep bringing it up, but my point is that he's lied about it countless times before, so why should I believe him now?

He broke your trust and doesn't care about rebuilding it. He wants you to shut up so there are no consequences to him doing what he feels like. And also so he doesn't have to assume responsibility for it.

He does not respect you. Leave him.
He is angry with you for reacting to the hurt and betrayal.

He does not care about you or your heart.

Eleganz · 21/12/2023 12:47

Please, please, please dump him OP. You deserve much better than this lying cheater.

Astrak · 21/12/2023 13:03

I'm sorry that your relationship has hit the end of the line.
When you find that your boyfriend is not only a love cheat but a liar as well, do yourself a big favour and cut him out of your life. Permanently.
You can do so much better.

TwilightSkies · 21/12/2023 13:05

I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

Better to waste 5 years than to waste more than 5! Put it down as a learning experience.
Move on and don’t give him any more of your headspace. Focus on you.

Benibidibici · 21/12/2023 13:11

Nothing about this relationship sounds good.

5 years together and you aren't living together

He's cheated. Lied. Probably at it again.

Run a mile!

tomatoontoast · 21/12/2023 13:29

No way, someone who cheated is cheating again?

Shock of the century.

HumTamborine · 21/12/2023 13:55

You're unreasonable to still be with him. If you think you've "wasted" 5 years now, imagine wasting 10, or 20, or lying on your deathbed realising you've wasted your whole (and only) life with someone who couldn't give a shit about you.

Sunk cost fallacy.

He won't improve. So decide if you want to live like this forever and act accordingly.

millymog11 · 21/12/2023 14:10

If its any consolation OP, I can guarantee that after you finish with him and he goes onto his next relationship with whichever poor sucker that is, that eventually he will cheat on her too. It's a pattern without any doubt.

toomuchfaff · 21/12/2023 14:16

Once a cheater always a cheater

Cheater usually liars as well, I mean they have to lie to get away with cheating.

So why stay with a liar and a cheater and expect anything else aside from lying and cheating?

You're the fool in this situation to believe the liar when he said he wouldn't lie again... Get out, stay out.

AngryBird6122 · 21/12/2023 14:50

Don't stay in a bad relationship just because you have 'wasted' 5 years on it. In another 5 years you will have wasted 10 years! get out now

Lemonfoxtrot · 21/12/2023 14:59

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:41

I hate feeling like this - I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting, but really how can I trust him? I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

It's got to the point where I just don't believe anything he says. He said he was having an early night last night, but didn't send his usual good night text (we don't live together) and when I facetimed him, he didn't answer for ages and then called back saying he was asleep, but he had his clothes on in bed which is very unusual.

Yep - he’s lying…who cares what it’s about? You can’t trust this man

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