Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my bf is cheating on me

68 replies

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:18

Bit of a backstory - bf and I have been together 5 years. He cheated on me a couple of years ago with a girl who he'd sworn was "just a friend". We made it through on the proviso that he would never see her again. Fast forward to a few months ago and I found out he was still hanging out with her. I naturally blew my top and made him block her from everything.

I'm now getting the same feeling that I did before (and was always right) but I don't know if it's my paranoia because he's done it before, or if he is actually doing it. He's getting pissed off at me because he thinks I shouldn't keep bringing it up, but my point is that he's lied about it countless times before, so why should I believe him now?

AIBU?

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 21/12/2023 09:47

OP, look up sunk cost fallacy to get a bit more insight about your feelings of ‘wasting’ your time.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 21/12/2023 09:48

People who are accused of being controlling are those who expect to dictate what another person does without any just cause other than their ego demands it.
Your attempt to know what's going on is rooted in the sure and certain knowledge that his claims he can be trusted are untrue.

He isn't respecting you, first in what he has done and secondly in the fact he thinks you have no right to be affected by it.

All you can do now is respect yourself and refuse to accept his personal code of conduct belongs in your life.

It's hard, horrible, nasty and crap but if you stay as a pp said you will be the author of your own misery. If you feel reluctant to 'waste' 5 years... How do you think wasting 8/10/20 is going to feel.

It's not a waste, if you leave he'll have taught you some horrible but valuable things about what you are or aren't willing to accept. Chin up and pull the plug.

Sauvblanctime · 21/12/2023 09:48

op, after being with my cheating ex for 21 years, and I always knew when he was cheating, the niggle…. Cut your strings now & don’t go back

don’t waste another minute of your life with him. X

IsThePopeCatholic · 21/12/2023 09:49

dont waste your time on him anymore.

FizzyLaser · 21/12/2023 09:49

bin him

ArchetypalBusyMum · 21/12/2023 09:49

PossumintheHouse · 21/12/2023 09:47

OP, look up sunk cost fallacy to get a bit more insight about your feelings of ‘wasting’ your time.

Do this. It might help you get your head straight. He's got you thinking up is down.

Bobbotgegrinch · 21/12/2023 09:49

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:41

I hate feeling like this - I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting, but really how can I trust him? I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

It's got to the point where I just don't believe anything he says. He said he was having an early night last night, but didn't send his usual good night text (we don't live together) and when I facetimed him, he didn't answer for ages and then called back saying he was asleep, but he had his clothes on in bed which is very unusual.

OK, that's just the sunk cost fallacy, that feeling of "If I just dump some more money into this money pit, then maybe I'll start to get a return on it."

Yes, you may have wasted the last 5 years. But that's already happened, you can't change it. You're not starting from them, you're starting from now, and the choice isn't between "break up and have wasted the last five years" and "stay with him and all will be good"

The choice you actually have is "Break up and who knows what'll happen" Vs "stay together and waste the next 5 years."

You don't trust him, because he's repeatedly shown you that he can't be trusted. Thats not going to magically come back. Even if the impossible happened and he suddenly became someone who could be trusted, you are still never going to be able to trust him.

So don't waste the next 5 years OP.

Tohaveandtohold · 21/12/2023 09:50

Op, you might feel you’ve lost 5 years but the more you stay, the more years you’ll lose.
He has constantly showed you who he is, a liar and a cheat. If it’s not the same woman, it’ll be someone else next time.
There’s nothing controlling in looking after yourself , just cut your loses now and give yourself time to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

Muchof · 21/12/2023 09:51

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:26

I did but we ended up getting back together

Show quote history

I guess poster meant you should have broken up with him and not got back together!

This is going nowhere, cut your losses. There is somebody out there that won’t want to cheat on you.

Allthewallsarewhite · 21/12/2023 09:53

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:41

I hate feeling like this - I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting, but really how can I trust him? I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

It's got to the point where I just don't believe anything he says. He said he was having an early night last night, but didn't send his usual good night text (we don't live together) and when I facetimed him, he didn't answer for ages and then called back saying he was asleep, but he had his clothes on in bed which is very unusual.

I understand why you want to try and control what you can and it's not unreasonable to want that given your situation, but realistically it is not helping you and it's impossible to actually control what someone does and when he is intend on doing what they want behind your back anyways. He'll just be even more sneaky about it.

You've spent 5 years with him. They are not wasted. I'm sure you've had good times and experiences together as well that you'd otherwise wouldn't have had. And if nothing else, this relationship was useful as a learning experience of what you don't want and to trust your gut.

Either way, if you don't leave him know but things continue as they are, then you will be actively wasting future years, perhaps even the rest of your life? If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life this, what's the point in staying with him a bit longer now?

ZombieGirl86 · 21/12/2023 09:59

Clothes in in bed.. nah that's biggest res flag ever definitely up to something.

If it was me though I'd want the satisfaction of catching him so would chill and let him think all good.... but healthiest thing is walk away.

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/12/2023 10:02

From his point of view, why would he stop cheating? You keep accepting it.

IdealisticCynic · 21/12/2023 10:04

As others have suggested, you are stuck in a sunk cost fallacy mind trap.

You haven’t “wasted” 5 years. You have likely learned a lot about yourself and what you need and can take that forward with you.

But also, what if you stay and this is still happening in 5 years? Or 10 years? And you keep feeling awful and anxious throughout? That really would be wasted time.

SEG152 · 21/12/2023 10:07

Even if he hasn’t cheated (which in my opinion he has) he’s crossed the line of your boundaries and respect given the previous situation.

show yourself the respect you deserve and walk away. No one who truly loves you would want to make you feel this way.

Didimum · 21/12/2023 10:08

Imaysnapandfart · 21/12/2023 09:41

I hate feeling like this - I know if it was the other way round, he'd be accused of controlling and being untrusting, but really how can I trust him? I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

It's got to the point where I just don't believe anything he says. He said he was having an early night last night, but didn't send his usual good night text (we don't live together) and when I facetimed him, he didn't answer for ages and then called back saying he was asleep, but he had his clothes on in bed which is very unusual.

I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years.

Sunk cost fallacy

The phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

The worst thing you could do is waste another 5 years.

Ladyj84 · 21/12/2023 10:09

You chose to stay with a cheat and accept it so you gotta take all the paranoia etc that goes with it

SweetFemaleAttitude · 21/12/2023 10:10

You are being unreasonable, for staying with him.

CacenCaws · 21/12/2023 10:10

I voted YABU because you haven't dumped him yet. You know he's a liar and you can't trust him

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 21/12/2023 10:13

Can you continue to live like this? It won't change. If the answer is no, there is only one solution.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/12/2023 10:14

Don’t waste more time on this. And don’t be passive “we ended up getting back together”

no - you took him back. Take control of your own life and leave him. Enjoy your life again - you’re not going to ever trust him.

Dotcheck · 21/12/2023 10:16

Give yourself the best Christmas present ever, and just ditch this dishonest man. You deserve a partner who is honest and respectful ( because everyone does).
🎁

Denimdenimdenim · 21/12/2023 10:17

You need to leave him. He's absolutely not worth it, OP.

millymog11 · 21/12/2023 10:20

Not read the whole thread.

First of all Flowers for OP. Horrible to have someone betray you.

The only qualification I have to post is that I have "form" for getting into relationships where the man cheats on me (in my case both very long term one marriage).

This is where you went wrong:

"He cheated on me a couple of years ago with a girl who he'd sworn was "just a friend""

In my experience the vast majority of men "reveal their colours" when (and if) they cheat the first time. The details of when they did it, how they did it and importantly how the fall out was resolved (if it was) says everything about what they will take forward in any future the relationship holds (if there is one).

In your case your boyfriend thought (this is very cynical so take it that way but better to hear it in its worst form)

"I have got away with a 2 year relationship (i.e. this woman is seriously into me, is seriously committed and really doesnt want to end the relationship, then i cheated with a "friend" and the woman I am seeing took me back. This means that I can potentially have a serious long term relationship with this woman whilst cheating on her on and off with someone who is a "friend"".

Men will try to get away with what they can get away with. What they can get away with is benchmarked by what the history of the relationship has told them to date. Your boyfriend thinks he can railroad you now even tho he is extremely likely to be seeing this other girl (whoever she maybe but she will likely be a "friend") at the same time as seeing you because that is what your relationship history has taught him. Men are that straightforward. They really are.

If you want a long term monogamous faithful to you alone relationship (you deserve this BTW if you do) then you need to dump this guy and fast. 5 years is a long time to devote to someone so low.

FreezyFord · 21/12/2023 10:25

Don’t waste any more if your life. Get rid

millymog11 · 21/12/2023 10:27

" I suppose I feel like if I end it, it's such a waste of the last 5 years."

The Sunk Fallacy Cost theory absolutely applies to relationship. I know because I have been guilty of this more than once.

I don't know how old you are OP but if you are still of child bearing age (irrespective of whether you want children, although it is even more important if you do want children) start getting angry at your boyfriend for cheating on you and then dump him and never look back.
**
You are young, beautiful and, provided you don't waste another 5, 10, 15 years on this loser (or someone like him) the world is your oyster. He knows this, wants the best (you) but also his cake. He is a low life. Get angry at the time he has robbed from you and get out. Its better to be alone and pleasing yourself even if you are not dating than with someone like that (I assume you don't have kids with this guy?)